I can't do anything about the Maintanence i pay. In Australia, when you separate the wife simply fills out forms for Rent Assistance and Child Maintenance. This money is deducted from my pay even before I see it.
Pretty unfair to pay for your children when you never wanted to be separated from them ever.

WesH, the point is since it hasn't been court ordered you need to stop paying her. As ML said, you're only funding the affair. She needs a wake up call. If there is no ordered visitation schedule for the kids and no order for support...kids don't go to her when she is with OM and she gets no funding from you....period.

Wes, I would check him out. The man is a cad and a liar and I am sure he only told your wife what he wanted her to know. As far as she knows he is married and is leading a double life. There is no telling what this loser is hiding.

Well a arrangement has been made. In Australia it is known as the CSA (Child Support Agency)
http://www.csa.gov.au/ParentsAndCarers/yourChildSupportOptions.aspx

We currently have a formula assessment for how I pay. This will be in place and only changes if the become defacto.

Never thought of getting him checked out more thoroughly..

Banks don't work that way, Wes. The person has to meet certain conditions for the money, and they have to have the ability to repay the loan. It's doubtful that your WW makes enough money to repay a loan of that size.

It sounds like your hands are tied on the legal front in terms of the maintenance payments. However, you need to file the documents that cement 50/50 custody.

It sounds to me like you wish to be Mr. Nice Guy before going to Plan B. You won�t accomplish anything so long as you permit her to have her cake and eat it too.

Why wait to throw a wrench into it all? File the legal papers, get a lawyer, and start playing hardball. I�m sure there are consequences to adultery in Australia.

The most important thing, however, is that you file the 50/50 papers. That is more important than anything.

Wes, nice guys finish last. Please don't ever say anything like this to that POS again. This makes it sound like you are going to hand off your WW to him without a fight.

Come on, Wes! Let the POS know that he will never have a moment's peace as long as he is with your WW! Do you have his cell phone number? Email address? Can you get them?

As far as the house goes, i have seen my broker and can buy the house out from her (and pay her out) I have the income to support it. She currently doesn't earn enough to get a loan for a house and therefore would have to keep renting.
Obviously however my long term goal is to have her back and be in councilling.

You have to kill the affair to get her back. You have to do hard things to raise holy he77 on her side and between them. That means you�re not Mr. Nice Guy anymore.

Make it so that he has to decide if he truly loves her enough to deal with the drama. Lots of men aren�t willing to deal with the BH who fights. Many OM are cowards.

I have his mobile number with me in my phone. He uses it for work so wont change his number. When i call him or text he knows it is me and never answers then2 seconds later turns the phone off for a day.

Good. Call and text him regularly. It's even better that he can't change the number. If he's using it for work he won't be able to keep it turned off for long.

Can you get his email address?

It's clear that he is a coward. He backed off the one time you told him to stay away from your house. Use this to your advantage.

Also if i send texts or emails that can be seen as harassment, and it is very easy to file for a VRO (Violent Restraining Order) in Australia. This is then in place and you wont see your kids until you go to court. It's all BS

She can't very well file one against you if your texts and emails are to him, correct?

You seriously need to consult a laywer to find out what's what for Australia. We're speculating on our end based on US law, which varies state to state, but is fairly consistent when it comes to family law.

Even if you need to site an adultery statute written in 1850, use it if it's in the books.

Get a lawyer.

I might get the court documents done for 50/50 care and get them lodged so she can not take the kids from me and then raise some hell. Suggestions?

I always get caught at this place. This was my thought s as mentioned previously.
__________________________________________________________

Their affair is in a free fall.

Are you court ordered to pay her maintenance?

I would get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP and read it so you understand what is going on here. Her affair was based on a fantasy and is currently in state of fast erosion. All the things that made the affair possible, thoughtlessness, deceit, dishonesty, will kill it off fairly quickly. 95% of affairs never make it to marriage and fall apart in under 2 years.

My feeling about your situation is to focus on doing a FABULOUS Plan A for another couple of months, meeting her needs, attracting her back, making your home a wonderful inviting place. Look for any opportunity to make the OM jealous and cause fights between them. [innocently, of course grin] Focus on courting her and wooing her back.

HOWEVER, if you are paying her any money that is not court ordered, I would cut that off ASAP. Be sweet about it and just tell her you have been told by a lawyer not to pay that. It is a very bad idea to finance your wife's affair. It is enabling.

Then after a couple of months of wooing her back, go into a very dark Plan B and do not see or speak to her until she ends her affair and agrees to commit to the marriage. I believe by that time, you will have built up such good feelings [because you are going north] and the OM will have built up such black feelings [he is going south] that you will have the effect of yanking her off the fence.

The OM is probably barely meeting 1-2 top needs and you are meeting 3-4 minor needs. She also knows you are there for her on the sidelines. Staying there basically props her affair up. When you exit the picture in a dark Plan B, it will fall to the OM to meet those need and the expectations will raise on him. This will cause renewed conflict in the affair. They will start lovebusting since they don't have benefit of this program. i predict the affair will fall apart quickly if you go into Plan B

VS

A more aggressive style, pushing her away, shutting her down and creating hell between the 2 of them??

But he would have to tell you to stop contacting him before that could happen, right? So, do it until he tells you that.

No he wouldn't have to prove anything or tell me to get a Violent Restraining Order here in Australia. It is simply if he even feels threatened. The courts here are full of this rubbish where partners use a VRO to keep there partners away from themselves or the affair partner. It is a very easy process to do.

My wife often would think i was controlling (which was rubbish) so i have to be careful with a aggressive approach because even if they break up this way, she will see it as all my fault.

I think you can cause holy hell in the affair by being very strategic and pushing the OM out by attracting your wife back with the plan I outlined above. Since the OM is gone most of the time, you have ample opportunity to ease him out.

But I would IMPLORE you to do a background check on him and find out if he is married. I have a feeling this cat is living a secret second life. Since your W is out of the house, taking an aggressive approach is going to flop, IMO, because all she has to do is slam the door shut. And then the OM just looks like the hero. More effective to be MORE attractive than the OM and woo her back. Be shrewd and strategic..

Thanks MelodyLane

I agree with your thoughts I just have to get my head around it and remove all emotions for the time being. Yesterday she said to me that if we were to be friends then there was no future for them (affair partners rules) so he is obviously quite threatened by me and so he should be.

When my wife was around for the previous 2 weeks and we were very civil I'm sure he didn't know all the details.(you will laugh as i was sunburnt and she rubbed cream into my back) She has however mentioned as they all do that she is not going to give him up therefore the possibility of a friendship between us is low well at least for this week.
My major draw card is the kids and there happiness. She wants everything to be good between us so she will naturally want to be close to me in time, i'm just going to have to keep a cool head.

She has also justified her actions by saying to me "that i need to meet somebody to make me happy" or "we just aren't right for each other blah blah blah"

We she lived in the family home she pulled down all the family photos, now that i'm back in they are all back up.

Also for the 2 weeks when i didn't bring up the affair or him she said it was "good and easy"