So i guess I am in for a long hard road ahead.
It seems i'm not going to ever be able to speak at this moment about him or the affair and act like im moving on. In the mean time i guess i need to try to keep making more love deposits and making her see the absolute good in me. (not hard as i am a great father, friend ect) but have obviously shown my bad side because of all the pain and hurt.
If i bring her close eventually something will slip between them and he will find out sometime down the track and hell will break out between them but it won't be seen as my fault.
Then perhaps I might be in a position where once again she sees me for what I am - her husband and friend.

You have the right idea. But you don't want to be seen as her "friend," but as her LOVER. You want to romance her. The top 4 intimate emotional needs are conversation, affection, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. I would focus on all 4 and be as attractive as possible. Try to flirt with her and SUBTLY draw her into a conversation. Don't be pushy or needy, but be attractive.

What about your personal appearance? Do you dress nice, smell good? Have a fresh haircut? Approach any contact as you would a first date. Look for opportunities to ask her out without being pushy.

Do this for about 2 months and then go into Plan B.

Oh, WHATEVER. And I mean this comment toward your WW.
Wes, if they break up and you reconcile, she will not see it as being your fault.

Just a quick info flash for those advising on custody in Australia.... its very formalised and is only just starting to implement a starting point of 50/50.
50/50 or agreed joint custody does not mean residential custody orders....

Assessment rules are below..........

FAMILY LAW ACT 1975 - SECT 60CC


Determining child's best interests
(1) Subject to subsection (5), in determining what is in the child's best interests, the court must consider the matters set out in subsections (2) and (3).

Primary considerations

(2) The primary considerations are:

(a) the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both of the child's parents; and

(b) the need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence.

Note: Making these considerations the primary ones is consistent with the objects of this Part set out in paragraphs 60B(1)(a) and (b).

Additional considerations

(3) Additional considerations are:

(a) any views expressed by the child and any factors (such as the child's maturity or level of understanding) that the court thinks are relevant to the weight it should give to the child's views;

(b) the nature of the relationship of the child with:

(i) each of the child's parents; and

(ii) other persons (including any grandparent or other relative of the child);

(c) the willingness and ability of each of the child's parents to facilitate, and encourage, a close and continuing relationship between the child and the other parent;

(d) the likely effect of any changes in the child's circumstances, including the likely effect on the child of any separation from:

(i) either of his or her parents; or

(ii) any other child, or other person (including any grandparent or other relative of the child), with whom he or she has been living;

(e) the practical difficulty and expense of a child spending time with and communicating with a parent and whether that difficulty or expense will substantially affect the child's right to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis;

(f) the capacity of:

(i) each of the child's parents; and

(ii) any other person (including any grandparent or other relative of the child);
to provide for the needs of the child, including emotional and intellectual needs;

(g) the maturity, sex, lifestyle and background (including lifestyle, culture and traditions) of the child and of either of the child's parents, and any other characteristics of the child that the court thinks are relevant;

(h) if the child is an Aboriginal child or a Torres Strait Islander child:

(i) the child's right to enjoy his or her Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander culture (including the right to enjoy that culture with other people who share that culture); and

(ii) the likely impact any proposed parenting order under this Part will have on that right;

(i) the attitude to the child, and to the responsibilities of parenthood, demonstrated by each of the child's parents;

(j) any family violence involving the child or a member of the child's family;

(k) any family violence order that applies to the child or a member of the child's family, if:

(i) the order is a final order; or

(ii) the making of the order was contested by a person;

(l) whether it would be preferable to make the order that would be least likely to lead to the institution of further proceedings in relation to the child;

(m) any other fact or circumstance that the court thinks is relevant.

(4) Without limiting paragraphs (3)(c) and (i), the court must consider the extent to which each of the child's parents has fulfilled, or failed to fulfil, his or her responsibilities as a parent and, in particular, the extent to which each of the child's parents:

(a) has taken, or failed to take, the opportunity:

(i) to participate in making decisions about major long‑term issues in relation to the child; and

(ii) to spend time with the child; and

(iii) to communicate with the child; and

(b) has facilitated, or failed to facilitate, the other parent:

(i) participating in making decisions about major long‑term issues in relation to the child; and

(ii) spending time with the child; and

(iii) communicating with the child; and

(c) has fulfilled, or failed to fulfil, the parent's obligation to maintain the child.

(4A) If the child's parents have separated, the court must, in applying subsection (4), have regard, in particular, to events that have happened, and circumstances that have existed, since the separation occurred.

Thanks for the info.
She is actually a good mother, by this I mean she will always care for and look after the children well. Her focus is not on the kids so much these days, but rather him. I just wished she hadn't bought the kids into the affair and introduced him and played happy families.

As a update.. I spoke to her for 25 minutes today about all types of things, not all about the boys, it was friendly and light. She always keeps me well informed about what she is up too and where he is. Not sure why she brings him up (considering she knows it upsets me)but once again we have gone from enemy's to friends in 48 hours... got to love the rollercoaster.

She is doing this in order to normalize their relationship. Tell her that you do not wish to hear specifics about her adulterous relationship.

What does she say about him?

You would think she would be over the moon being with the "love of her life" but she has said he is not without his faults too.
So that's fair isn't it, I'm suppose to not have any faults after 15 years together and they have been together for 5 months and he is allowed too.
I'm pretty sure it will eventually blow up (fingers x), I mean to tell her not to have contact with me... I mean come on, what planet is this guy on. We have 2 beautiful boys together and 15 years of history.
Last night he was back from working away so she asked me to have the kids another night. She said she had hurt her back (which she had) and wanted rest but who knows?? I will always have my kids but should i have said no and sent them home.
I was trying to be a little friendly and accommodating.

@WesH -

If there is one thing that you must always do is enjoy your children for as much time as you can get. Don't ever think that you are punishing her by making her keep the kids. Look at is is she is missing out on seeing the kids. Always keep the kids! It can only benefit you and the kids.

IMHO, you have powerful friends giving you great advice.

I assume that you wish to save your marriage. So it might be time for you to start reading up on Plan A. I will bump a thread for you.

Well just had the contact with her for kids to go home. Time to begin Plan A
She was quite touch feely, which was nice and I kept my cool.
I was dressed nice as I have taken on a second job to pay for the expense this stupid affair created. She touch my arm and was worried I was working to hard. Nice to here her concerned.
She also has huge amount of work to do with Christmas coming (she is a mobile hairdresser) so I simply said I appreciated how hard this time of year was for her and if i could help out in any way let me know. It was a good contact so its a start.

Well, I would not accommodate her when it comes to enabling her affair. That does not help your marriage at all. Instead tell her politely that you already have plans.

Thanks Melody, I will remember that next time.. You have been such wonderful support.

What about the danger if he refuses to take the kids and the WW has the OM over anyway. Kids in one room, WW and OM in another room doing a little SF. Not to mention having exposing the kids to accept this will make them confused about what a POS the OM is, and how bad their mom is acting.

I would tell her you are unable to take them right then. I'm all for having the kids as much as you can, but you don't want to help her conduct her A. She wants them out of the picture for the moment so she can reconnect with OM on a romantic level. I would thwart her plans for that.

Another thing you want to remember: kids do not typically help to create a romantic, fantasy-filled setting for lovers. Especially when the kids don't belong to OM. He has no emotional investment in your children and will see them as interfering with his warm, fuzzy, romantic homecoming. This is a good tool to utilize.

It was very upsetting for me to see her put the children in front of him so very fast. It was very hard to see them play happy family. He is at a stage where he is just buying the children lots of presents.
I on the other hand am trying to keep my boys in line. (they are 4 and 7). The 4 year old is ok but the 7 year old has just started to develop a real attitude, which I try to kurb really quickly.
My wife and I both love the kids (even though her actions affect them) and we still try to parent them well,but it is hard when the parents are apart.
I always make sure I tell them to listen to there mum and to behave well in front of her and she appreciates the support.
I guess we are on the same page there.

My x's ow/w in the affairage tried to do that too, and would always try to tell me how she loved my son so much. But, when the rubber hit the road, and she decided earlier this year to divorce my xh and her wh (as he cheated on her again) she suddenly didn't call to see my son anymore.

He has last seen her about 3 months ago.

WesH, the om is like that. He will do what he can IN FRONT of your ww, to make her think he loves the kids like they're his. But time will show.

Meanwhile, YOU become her confidant, woo her, do all the great plan A stuff you can when the posom is out of town. Do little acts to help her, but let posom have the chaos and don't give them opps to have romantic nights alone. Let him have the chaos that comes with kids! In fact, when they have a cold and are really sick, let him deal with them.

It is funny, but when my son (has asthma) would get really sick in cold and flu season, somehow he was always coming back to my house...and not with my xh and ow/wifey.

They don't like reality. Waywards and the pos om and ow out there thrive on fantasy. Burst that bubble and woo your wifey back, but make it safe first.

Make it safe first for her to confide in her, decide which en's she values most and play that up. Play it up and woo her. Make her "cheat" on the posom.

You can do that! Out wayward the posom! Give it the most hellacious plan A you can.

Well, another update.

My wife has hurt her back quite bad and is quite a lot pain which is terrible to see.
She had been running behind schedule today with mobile hairdressing and had taken the kids to her clients. We currently have a arrangement where I have the kids every 2nd day so it was my night with them. She was approx 1hr away from me so instead I offered to meet her half way. We actually then spoke for the 25 minutes as we drove towards each other. I grabbed my children and she said how much she appreciated meeting her half way. Then as I was leaving she actually gave me a hug. It was quite unexpected as we hadn't touched in 4 months.

The other thing today that I found out is she is having Xmas Eve and Xmas morning with the boys. She is spending Christmas Eve with the OM and his family. It is interesting as my wife has lost both her mother and father and I don't have a close family.
I think she never really dealt with the death of her parents (she's tells me she has)and I can see the appeal of the affair partners family (they are Spanish and are large and close)

I am going to take a little power back this week by requesting that I have New Years off from the boys. That may make seeing the New Year in for the OM not so fun.

Another hard morning after seeing my WS this morning. she was wearing all new Jewellery from the OM, and that was hard to see but to be expected. We spoke nice, all was good as we exchanged the children. she always watches the way the children hug me goodbye. They hold on.. and it is a love only their parents can give them.
She also mentioned that she had filled out some paperwork to get a car transferred over to her name, but said there was no rush on it. The OM was quite persistant that she the car transfer done quickly as he thinks I would sell it on her. (Far from it, it is just a car and she needs it for my kids) She couldn't drive the other day because of the small problem in her back and he wouldn't drive it because it was under my name and my boys might have told me.
It is just so hard sometimes to keep so positive but that is what plan A is. I will slowly bring her back close to me.

What we have here is a 5 star barf arama!


Why are you financing your WW affair?

WW needs a car?

Too bad for her.

Let me see WW sleeping with the OM.

WW not sleeping with her BH.

Tell WW that no husband provides a car for his wife when that wife is banging another man while married to you.

Then further tell ww that if the OM is getting the goodies then the OM should show his appreciation and move mountains to get his "woman" a car.

Let the OM fail at providing financially for your WW. This would help the light penetrate WW fog.

You are letting fear control you.

You are trying to placate WW so she doesn't divorce you, doesn't work. Women don't respect doormats. You are being a door mat.

Neville Chamberlain

Do you know who he is?

Do you what his policy of appeasement ccomplished?