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#245129 02/04/04 12:52 PM
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Just curious. About people who have been members here for over two years. Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?

Anyone who is still married to the same person NOT seen any improvement? If so, is that because of addiction / abuse / mental illness (conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved)? Or because your spouse is too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change? Or because YOU are too stubborn and/or selfish and/or terrified to change?

[ February 04, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: holdingontoit ]

#245130 02/04/04 12:58 PM
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HOLD, You know my story and the progress.

You know the part about me wanting to "insult his old girlfriend and mother of his child"?, well, for some strange reason, all my hatred of her has finally after 4 years, dissapated.

I am still learning things.

#245131 02/05/04 01:01 AM
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Been here 4 years.

Yes, still married to the same person, but a whole different marriage [Wink] .

When I started posting, I had not been "in-love" with my DH for quite some time, which lead to my withdrawing emotionally. Which lead to him withdrawing emotionally, and us functioning as co-parents, but not much else. What brought it to a head was his depression and subsequent one-sided EA. At that point, he wanted out and I was very inclined to show him the door. But instead, I started reading here and implementing concepts. After several months, he finally agreed to counseling.

So, we ended up very much in-love with each other, and very happy we stayed together.

These days I do not post for help, but rather because I believe these concepts work (barring addiction and mental illness) and I like to see if I can help someone else get started on using them. Oh, and some days my job is just toooooo quiet [Wink] .

Kathi

#245132 02/05/04 01:02 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by holdingontoit:
Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?

Yep.
Yep.
Not only are we still married, but we now work together from a home office. We've managed to not strangle each other in the past 10 months of working together. It's crossed our minds, of course. But we exercised self-restraint.

#245133 02/05/04 01:06 AM
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Great Question!

Still married! Overall, we have our good days and bad days but now recognize that it goes with the territory. What I've learned here helps me appreciate the good days and get throught the bad ones.

Greatest lessons learned:

You cannot control the outcome of any situation.

MB is a great form for sharing, You will not however, find answers here. You will however learn to ask yourself questions to make your own choices in order to answer your own questions.

Embrace your fears and move on. You can't control the outcome. Everything will be ok.

POJA is not an absolute. Accept and respect differences. Agee to Disagree, which in itself is a form of POJA!

Don't dwell on the past. Take each day at a time and practice MB concepts of LB, EN, Attention, POJA.

Pray.

#245134 02/05/04 01:10 AM
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Great question Hold! I have been here nearly a year, and me and mine have come full circle. In fact, through all of the ups and downs, we are doing a better and more realistic type of marriage.

It did involve giving up some bad habits! Why are those so hard to give up? They caused so much disparity between us.

But, we share more quality time with each other, the children and the dogs too. And there is rarely a terse feeling between us. And when there is a problem, they are getting resolved within a shorter and less stressful amount of time.

How do I feel? Thankful! It is like a new life, and I feel like I am alive again.

#245135 02/04/04 02:35 PM
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Well...I've been amember over TWO years!

Aaaaand I AM still married...legally, anyway...

But I don't think I count!!

I plead the 5th!!

[Razz]

#245136 02/04/04 03:25 PM
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Hi Deborah..... and you will probably still be married next year when Holdin takes a poll... [Big Grin] [Razz] [Roll Eyes]

#245137 02/04/04 03:43 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by debdesign:
But I don't think I count!!

Yes you do. You count to many of us here. We just wish you counted as much to yourself as you do to us. [Razz]

But don't feel so bad. I do the same thing myself. As Starfish reprimanded me recently "remember Hold, no one gets to say negative things about you - not even you!" [Wink] [Big Grin]

I plead the 5th!!

Well of course you do. Otherwise you would have to keep answering annoying pesky questions from irritating forum members such as "WHY are you still married to butt-Ed?" [Eek!] [Big Grin]

#245138 02/04/04 04:06 PM
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quote:
and you will probably still be married next year when Holdin takes a poll.
Hey George!!! Glad to see you still have your sense of humor!!!

[Razz]

quote:
Otherwise you would have to keep answering annoying pesky questions from irritating forum members such as "WHY are you still married to butt-Ed?"
Ummm, wellll, I started looking up lawyers and I just couldn't afford any of them. Yeah, that's it...

OK, getting my income tax back soon, maybe THEN I can afford it?


quote:
We just wish you counted as much to yourself as you do to us
Aww, sniff, sniff, where's the blushing icon? [Embarrassed] (or is that the bj icon?)

#245139 02/04/04 04:13 PM
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I’ve been a member for about 2 years. I am still in the same relationship. The relationship was good to begin with, but I think it’s even stronger because I try to stay conscious of ENs and LBs. And that has given me the confidence to do what some of my friends thought I’d never do: get married!

#245140 02/04/04 04:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by holdingontoit:
Just curious. About people who have been members here for over two years. Are you still married to the person you were married to when you first got here? Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?

It's been around two years for me now.

I'm still married to the same person, and the relationship has improved over the last two years.

Reasons (non-exhaustive list):
* W rewards Openness & Honesty
* We have both adjusted our expectations of each other (on the non-essentials)
* Fewer LBs by both of us
* Less selfish behavior by both of us

#245141 02/04/04 05:17 PM
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Nope not still married--

because of addiction / abuse /conditions where Harley admits MC won't work until the other problem is solved---

But, remarried---and I still read and post--because I know the priniciples can work---in a healthy relationship--which this one is--

#245142 02/04/04 07:04 PM
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I've been posting here a little over 17 months, so I'm not exactly a long time member. (Should that be long-time? I never remember the rules for hyphens.) I'm still married to H. I haven't seen any improvement in my marriage, but then, I was satisified with my marriage just as it was up until my H decided he wanted me to get pregnant or adopt a child. Since he seems to have dropped that idea, I don't have a lot to complain about, other than that I still don't know why he dropped the idea. All I heard while he was struggling with the decision to stay with me or leave was how the house was almost paid for and there were so many reminders of the things we had done together (most of them over his screaming protests, IIRC), and that he didn't have any complaints other than not having a child of his own, but nothing that sounded like "I love you and can't live without you."

OTOH, he treats me well. He does more than his share of the housework, and as I mentioned in another thread, he washed my car for me without being asked after it got road gunk splashed all over it. He's fun to be around. He's a good cook. We don't have big, screaming fights. I don't really have any reason to dump the guy. So together we are.

#245143 02/04/04 07:15 PM
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double post, and I have no idea how that happened.

[ February 04, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: elspeth ]

#245144 02/04/04 07:44 PM
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not quite 2 years, but, getting close.

Married to the same person.....Things are BETTER.. absolutely. Not great perhaps, but things have definitively improved.

Feel I have, and also am told by wife that I have changed for the better in the LB and DJ department. Believe I am more in tune with doing things that speaks to her needs, than speaking to the needs I THOUGHT she has, based upon my own.

We have definitively moved in the right direction in the SF area as well.. Still guarded, but our marriage has not been a celibate one the last quarter or two. Wife has done work wiht her own views about motherhood and that such does not exclude being a wife with a sexual dimension.

We share more of our concerns, even thouhg I am threading lightly in terms of being completely honest; A journey of a 1000 miles starts with a small step.

MB has definitively been a great help......

#245145 02/04/04 09:52 PM
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Thanks to all for the replies.

This very unscientific sampling confirmed what I suspected. Most people who are still here and still married to the same person years later have seen improvement. If they hadn't, they either wouldn't still be here or wouldn't still be married to the same person.

I do have to give baba credit for hanging in there through such a long period when she did NOT see improvement. If I did not have kids to consider, I doubt I would have her patience.

#245146 02/04/04 10:04 PM
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hold,

Yes...I'd say this site, and living the concepts I learned, saved my marriage (as well as made me a better individual). My marriage will always be a "work in progress" but it has evolved into a relationship I am proud to call "ours". I sleep at night....that's a far cry from all those nights I used to cry myself to sleep when I first came here. What is also amazing....is that these things have improved ALL of my relationships.

#245147 02/04/04 11:03 PM
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Well,

Yes, I'm still married to the same person and yes things are better. My W had moved out when I first posted here, and, after 18 months in her appt., we've been in the new house together for about 15 months. That's better. However, yesterday was OM's birthday and she sent him an e-card, so it's not like we're actually recovered - just mostly better. There are lots of ups and downs and divorce is mentioned (by me) almost every week.

For now, I'm hanging in here.

-AD

[ February 04, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]

#245148 02/05/04 09:34 AM
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I've been registered since September 2000 but I lurked for a long while before that.

To answer the questions, Yes & Yes.

I read many books, most were good, but none had the effect of His Needs, Her Needs. Combined with the MB'ers website & forum, we now have a wonderful marriage.

And to answer the un-asked question - why are you still here? - it is to help, in some small way, others in the same boat we were in a few years ago. When I get a reply like this one
quote:
So, your story gives me hope, and I'm sure others who see it now, that in fact, love can be restored with work.
I am encouraged to stick around.

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