I've been thinking this for awhile.

And she's definitely feeling the pain of everything she's missing out on right now. I've been a mom long enough to assure you of that.

Keep up the good work and enjoy the Christmas party!

How perfect is that? Good job!

@TD -

You are the bomb!

Doing my best, but it's not easy. I have to keep telling myself: "No expectations, no expectations." Sometimes I catch myself wondering if it is worth it, but one look at any of my children tells me that it is. Also, as amazing as it is, I am still deeply in love with my wife. I was talking to one of our mutual friends who has moved to another town. She said, "You are a much better person than I am. I have always said that if my H ever did something like this, he would be out on his butt." I said, "Friend, I used to think that too. You just don't know until it happens to you."

Total, ain't that the truth. It helped me at the beginning to have some people saying those same things to me.

You are doing SUPER GREAT. Keep it up.

Thanks, Scotty. We have the Christmas party tonight with the kids, then we are going to do the Santa Claus shopping tomorrow. Lots of opportunities for LB$ deposits, but also plenty of opportunities for LB's. That's why I come here to get a little pep talk. Must avoid LB's at all costs. No expectations- work the plan, regardless of response, or lack thereof. Wish me luck.

Sometimes we forget that this life is difficult by design. We do all we can do to make it easier, less stressful, but it doesn't always work.

We often say (as Christians) that Jesus is our example, and we try to be like him.

Remember what he said..........
John 5:30
I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.

Matthew 26:39
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.


Our Job is to follow his example. He gives us further advice on it.

Matthew 7:21
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.


You have your work cut out for you. You get to do the right thing, no matter what she does. You get to find out what you are made of. It will be (and probably already has been) revealing TO YOU. Remember that for you, this whole experience is about how you react, and what you do. For you, it's not about her, or what she does at all.

Sometimes our greatest trials are our greatest opportunities. Some of the best teaching moments of your life (as far as your children are concerned) may come out of this. If we teach best by example, it will probably be true.

There have been a number of posts on MB about being a light house. It is a good analogy. The light house is often battered by the storm in the worst way, but still does it's job, and does it well. What a service it provides.

You have that same opportunity for your family. God won't let you fail if you keep your heart centered in him, and if you do the best you can do. You will get help. I am sure you know that by now, however, it helps to have a review from time to time.

I think you are on the right track. When you pray, you should FEEL the help. You know what those positive feelings mean. God doesn't make mistakes. If you need more than that, he will provide it. Count on help when you need it. It doesn't always come in the way WE expect, or on our time line, but it will come. Do your best, and then confide in him, and trust him.

That doesn't mean you will quit worrying, or that you will relax, and every thing will feel wonderful. It means in your private moments, you will know he is happy with you, and that you and the kids will be fine no matter what.

Merry Christmas M, with all that that statement means.

SS

Well, the weekend went reasonably well. I took a little roller coaster ride Saturday night, but other than that, I was very pleased.

Went to the Christmas party Friday night together as a family. WS was acting very much like her old self. Several of her friends mentioned to me in private- "Wow, she's acting normal." WS wanted to let the kids spend the night with her, so we ended up back at the house for a visit while kids got their things together.

Saturday, WS, DD15 and myself headed out to do some Christmas shopping. We had a great day together, other than WS was having some stomach issues. I seized the opportunity to take care of her, by suggesting that I run out and get her some meds while she and DD15 continue shopping. She had told me previously that she was going out to dinner with her friend. After an afternoon of stomach problems, she said she didn't know if she was going or not. I told her that the kids and I were going to make homemade pizza and watch a movie, so if she decided not to go out, she was welcome to come over and hang out with us. She says, "Maybe, I'll let you know."

Now for the roller coaster: The friend that she was going to dinner with was her divorced friend who has been an enabler to the A. She has had very little contact with her of late, so I was a little disappointed at this development. Also, she has used her as a cover for meeting with OM in the past, so naturally this triggered all sorts of thoughts and emotions. So, maybe she was going out with her friend, or maybe she was meeting OM.

Normally, this would result in an interrogation from me: where are you going, who are you going with, what will you be doing, etc. I got the feeling that she laid this out there for me as sort of a test. She is living on her own now, so I have no way of knowing what she is doing, and I would have never known what she was up to. I decided to just leave it completely alone. She says, I'm going to dinner with "friend" tonight, is that okay? I say, sure. It was all I could do to prevent myself from (a) asking lots of questions, or (b) making snide comments. (Definite LB's).

Well, I was able to resist, and we had a wonderful afternoon. DD11, DS10 and I made the pizza as planned. We sent some pictures of the process to WS. We watched our movie and had a nice evening together. I, however, was really down, wondering where she was, what she was doing, and who she was with. Rough night. I did send her my usual goodnight text, but not until fairly late. Normally, if she is out with friends, she will ignore me. To my great surprise, she answered almost immediately.

Sunday am, she showed up at church, and she looked great. This was encouraging, because I thought she may not show up, or she may be showing signs of wear if she had a big night out. We sat together at church, and she was visibly moved to tears during parts of the service. One of the hymns was about forgiveness. It includes a line, "I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine, to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine." She was very emotional during that song. I put my arm around her and gave her a hug, and we held hands off and on throughout the rest of the service.

Last night, she asked if she could come over for a visit. (This was new- normally I invite, and she says "We'll see".) I said sure. She came over and we made hot chocolate and watched Shrek with the kids. She and I sat on the couch together, and for 2-3 hours, all was right in my world. Sitting with my wife beside me, surrounded by my children, house decorated for Christmas........it was all I could do to contain my tears.

What was she doing Saturday night? I don't know. I do know that her internal conflict is raging. The younger kids are becoming more clingy with her when she visits, and are becoming more vocal in their desire for her to return home. Meanwhile, I am trying to show her what our life can be like, if she will only give it a chance.

WOW!

That is all I can say. You are doing tremendously good things.

The roller coaster is to be expected. Hopefully when you get to recovery all the truth will come out. I too have the same thoughts. What are they doing?

As you've already surmised, she is still in limbo. Your ACTIONS do appear to be breaking through the fog. It probably doesn't matter what they are doing. What matters is what you're doing. And what you are doing is fantastic!

I'm in your corner rooting for your personal recovery totaldisbelief.

I tihnk you could have been a bit more honest about how you were feeling. For example, you could have answered "not really", then move on to another subject.

Thanks, CK. Limbo is an apt description of where I think she is right now. I have to keep telling myself exactly what you said- it doesn't matter what she is doing. I can only control what I am doing.

MIM, you are probably right, but it was all I could do to prevent myself from launching into my usual interrogation/lecture. This has been a major LB in the past, so I just decided to leave it alone. Maybe in time I will be able to be more honest without LB's. Thanks for your input.

Total, you are doing GREAT. I also want to echo what MIM said as well. You need to stay honest. Saying, "Not really, want a cookie?" Wouldn't have been an LB but Lying IS. Remember, Plan A with No Expectations and NO LBs.

Thanks, Scotty. Keep me honest and on the path.

Not much interaction with WS today, which is probably good, since I am having sort of an angry day. No real reason either, just every once in awhile I have a day where I am thinking, "Why am I the one doing all of this giving, with nothing in return, when she's the one who cheated?" My Taker is in control today, so I'm laying low. Tomorrow is another day, right?

ABSOLUTELY. This is completely normal too. Glad you can recognize it. Could you do something that would not involve direct communication with WW? Maybe a remember when email? Do something fun with the kids. Take care of yourself.

Good advice, Scotty.

Went Christmas caroling to a nursing home with DD11 and DS10 with the church youth group. Feeling much better about my situation now. Funny how focusing on others, rather than yourself, does that, isn't it? If every WS could learn that one lesson: STOP THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF- I don't think they would be wayward for very long.

Very wise words.

Some of us do eventually come around and figure that out, thankfully. I hope your wife will be one of those someday.

I have stayed completely dark today- no contact with WS whatsoever. We'll see what the evening brings.

I think this is a good idea. I also think you need to trim back sending her pics of the home stuff you and the kids are doing.