Please bear with me as I try to convey my story as coherently as possible. Just registering for this forum has gotten my heartbeat racing and that numb feeling going through my whole body that I experienced immediately on and right after D-day (Sept. 19, 2010). I am excited (and scared a little of 2x4's) what you all may help me unravel.

First, a little about me/us. I am a betrayed wife. 34 years old. Wayward husband is 38. Married 9.5 years. Two children, 8 and 4.

We have not started the MB program. Although, this is what I told WH I'd like for Christmas (the books) and to follow the program religiously with reading SAA, HNHN, LB, etc. Then do UA, avoid LBers, whatever else we have to do. I have read all the articles on the website. I wish I'd found out about this site sooner...if only I'd known. From reading these forums, I have realized that we do need to tell the kids what's going on. Things have been tense (to say the least) for the last few months.

Anyway, the meat of the matter:

My story:

D-day: The day life as I have always known it changed forever. I get a message from OW on Facebook. "Just thought you should know that WH has been cheating on you."

Me: Having not ever looked up any information re: what to do when spouse is in or has had an affair, did not keep it a secret and snoop to get all the info, I immediately and directly confronted WH with the allegation.

He, at first, claimed to not even know who OW is. Called his co-worker and played dumb "who is so and so, she is a friend of yours on Facebook, and she sent my wife a message saying I cheated with her."

Co-worker offered to, and did call her and told her to leave us alone. I had messaged her back for more info in the mean time. She did message back, saying they'd been talking for a couple weeks, that he told her we were getting a D, blah blah blah. Then she refused to answer any other questions as per co-workers telling her not to talk to me. For awhile anyway. I was persistently annoying enough to get more info out of her, though. For 8 days, WH continued to deny ever having had any contact with her. But, she had left enough nuggets of info for me to know that he was lying.

Finally, after 8 days of constant battle, I asked "Why can't you just admit that you f'd up?" He broke down and admitted to talking to her (broke down emotionally, as well - tears instead of all the anger at my questions was a nice break). We went to a MC twice, where he explained that he as so ashamed for talking to this OW, so he lied about it. We have gone over the story several times, me asking questions - sometimes the same ones, several times.

By admission of both parties, I know that it was only at about 2-3 weeks EA. However, SHE claims one time PA. He denies, claims she wanted to meet up, and he refused. She was the one who initiated contact, etc.

Here is where I get fuzzy. The night before D-day. I overheard his end of one of their phone conversations. I walked in to the room and he was saying "no, I am going to be there at SEVEN". (emphasis was his tone of voice) Repeatedly, and almost angrily trying to get his point across. He was going to be there at seven p.m. on D-day. The nature of his job is such that he needed to go pick a guy up a seven and drive him to another location. OW was trying to get him to go in to work early at 5 p.m. to meet up with her. He consistently refused. This ticked her off, I guess? The next morning I get the lovely FB message...

It happens that the day she claims that they met up for PA at her house (45 mins. away) and that he spent "over half the day at her house" would have been very difficult for him to accomplish due to time frames. I was in fairly regular contact with him on that day via email to text message (I email his phone, he texts back to my email) and by phone re: his whereabouts and activities of the day (his job is very sporadic in time, place, nature). At one point in time in the middle of that day he was AT our house with me, our son, and his co-worker. I still have all of the data communications between us that day in my email, so it is quite easy to reconstruct his day for THAT day.

So, her story has not changed. His has (from not knowing who she was at all, to okay, I talked to her). So is he now telling the whole truth, or does she just have the day of the week wrong? There are other days, that we were not in as much contact, so accounting for his whereabouts on those days would be more difficult.

Also, I was out of town the weekend before D-day. From Thursday to Sunday. He was home with the kids. They did not meet up that weekend (again, confirmed on both ends).

None of these confirmations and answers have been easy to acquire, but I am persistent!!

I just want to know if it is EA or did it go beyond to PA. Do I believe him or her? From reading these forums, I can identify with some of the BS's, but WH does not place any blame on me, in any way, ever. He accepts full responsibility for his actions - it just took him 8 days to get there. Not a whole lot of fog babble or justification. At first there was just a lot of "I don't know"s. I can very closely identify with the betrayal, though. The lies. That first couple weeks was AWFUL. I didn't eat, barely slept, etc.

Since then it's been a rollercoaster. I just want to know that I know the whole truth now. I don't want to get in to recovery, then be walloped again. Since then, he as been good about letting me ask whatever I need to ask and patiently answering, trying to be understanding about my triggers (at times he's unsure of what he should be doing to react, but he is trying).

Can you help me decipher EA or PA?

Also, I forgot to mention that there is no contact between them anymore. Of this, I have no doubt.

Welcome to MB.

Please get your H to take a polygraph.

Stop fretting and trying to piece this together. You have taken the onus on yourself to work out the truth, while the onus should be on your H to prove to you that he is telling the truth.

Schedule a polygraph test for him and make sure he goes through with it. Don't let any further details he gives you stop you from running the test.

Here is what I would do. Schedule a polygraph test without telling him FIRST. Three days before the test, tell him you question his story and that is it not fair for you to harbor such suspicions if he is innocent. Therefore, you have done BOTH of you a favor, him by giving an opportunity prove his truthfulness and you by easing your mind, and scheduled a polygraph for December XX, 2010.

Then hand him a list of questions that you intend on asking and tell him you will give him an opportunity BEFOREHAND to come clean on any of the questions but you will boot him out if he flunks the polygraph. [honestly, you have nothing to lose if he persists in lying] Tell him he gets a get out of jail FREE card before the polygraph though.

If he is lying you can expect him to sing like canary before the test. And do not give into the temptation to cancel the test if he does.

This will either get the truth out or he will pass it and you will then feel more at ease and able to move forward.

Thanks. How do I find where to get a polygraph test?

Ask around. Call your sheriff and ask him if he can recommend someone.

Thanks again. I just came back to say "stupid question". I googled. Looking at one now, specializing in cheating/infidelity, etc.

And if he gets angry and defensive and throws a tantrum at the idea of taking a polygraph and refuses to do it because you should "trust" him and he can't believe you would ask him to do such a thing and you're making him feel like a criminal - well, there's your answer right there.

I have heard that you should check his/her experience. I'm pretty sure I've seen recommendations to go to someone who has many years' experience working for the FBI.

But then, I'm British and I might be getting a bit muddled up! Someone here will know what I mean.

Yes, very true. I will be calling tomorrow to get some recommendations and get an appointment. I will update.

My problem is with radical honesty...in the other direction. I have trouble keeping anything from him! I hope I am able to not let him know until 3 days before.

Keep it to yourself!

Polygraph conclusion: Woman scorned. He was not ever at her house or physical with her. Best Christmas present ever, considering the alternative!

Thank you for the advice.

Okay, great! But...then what happened? Your H had an EA with this woman. How are you recovering from that? What are you doing to make sure your M is safe from this happening again?