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Joined: Dec 2010
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I do have a problem with needing approval from others. It's how I've been all my life. The outgoing, class clown type, voted most talkative in highschool out of a class of 800. I see the struggle now because I'm looking for that approval from the person I'm not going to get it from. I've got to learn to try and meet needs she allows without expecting anything in return. I'm at a lose on what I can do to meet that need at this point. I do go to the gym, but I always felt it was to stay attractive for her. This and the weak boundaries with the opposite sex is what I just discussed with couseler the last hour. Changing this behavior that I've had for so long is not an easy task, hint why everyone has suggested the 2 to 3 year stamina. I see that, but as I learn how I can love myself and meet those needs constructively then hopefully I'll be able to translate the good to unconditional acts toward my wife. I'm willing to go beyond what's expected for this family.

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Bob,

I relate to your need for admiration. We talked about this in a Bible study regarding why people go to church or profess their faith loudly. Is to to share the good news or to look good?

I question my motives all the time now. Am I doing this because it is the right thing or because I will get kudos? I almost didn't get up to pray this Sunday because I knew I looked good (had on a new very flattering dress) and I wasn't sure if I was going up to truly pray or because I knew I looked good. I reminded myself that last week I was unable to go up because I had been stuck in the middle of a large group of people so I did but only after a lot of thought.

Do the right thing because it is the right thing. Examine your motives. You'll figure it out and be better for it whatever the outcome with your marriage. It is very freeing. My BH's response still matters of course but it doesn't sway my course. I don't have to spin anything anymore...just be the best me I can be.

When you need help interpreting your motives...come here. As you can see, you'll get plenty of "interpretations" :-)

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Mulan: I see your point. You know I went out to get her and the kids when she called because I would drop everything for their safety and because they were in a frightening predicament. I only offered to get the tow and pay for it cause I thought it would help. Never did I think about how it would look to her or anyone else going into it. It seems those feelings came later. And everyone's right, it's stupid FB!

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Also - be the absolute best escpecially around the kids. They are great sources to convey information about you to your wife. Set the example for them now of the man you want to be. The kids will pick up on that.

You can do this. If even only for yourself and your children. It's early on in the fight so let it go and work on yourself. Stay busy wherever and whenever. Do charity work. Do not tell your wife any of this. If you do enough work your good deeds will get back to your wife.

Do it for no other reason than pleasing yourself. Don't look for praise.

Good Luck and keep listening to the vets here.


Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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I do go to the gym, but I always felt it was to stay attractive for her.
Have you considered that working out is to directly benefit you? Working out should be something good that you do for YOU. The side benefit is that your wife appreciates your desire to stay fit.

This post is in the same vein as the others regarding you doing something good for what's in it for you. "I'm working out - notice me!" KWIM?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/14/10 01:42 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I'm not familiar with KWIM.

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Originally Posted by TexasBob
I'm not familiar with KWIM.


KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Originally Posted by TexasBob
I flirted with the younglady who rode in my squad car and eventually had the affair with.

I then had sex with this younglady.
Texas Bob, this is another example of WS thinking. Young lady? Really?


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Originally Posted by TexasBob
I flirted with the younglady who rode in my squad car and eventually had the affair with.

I then had sex with this younglady.
Texas Bob, this is another example of WS thinking. Young lady? Really?

Just being factual.

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Received "Surving An Affair" today. I'll get started tonight on it.

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So I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair". I've determined that my 5 most important emotional needs are:
-sexual fulfillment
-admiration
-affection
-domestic support
-physical attractiveness

I understand I failed at meeting her ENs and unless I can find ways to meet mine, I'm doomed to repeat my mistakes.

Question: is this book something I should hand off to my wife at this point? I think dropping in the mail box would be futile once she reads about NC letters. At that point she'll know it's from me, having received mine a couple days ago.

Also, I believe my wife knows I was the secret Santa who left the gift on her door step last week. She came over last night to pick up the children wearing the gift. This to me was a good sign as I figured the gift would have been discarded had her feelings of resentment been so that gifts from me were repulsive or unwanted.

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Originally Posted by TexasBob
Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Originally Posted by TexasBob
I flirted with the younglady who rode in my squad car and eventually had the affair with.

I then had sex with this younglady.
Texas Bob, this is another example of WS thinking. Young lady? Really?

Just being factual.

"Young desperate female co-adulteror" is more accurately factual.
Also, less flattering toward both of the adulterers.

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is this book something I should hand off to my wife at this point?

I would say no, not at this point. She is not interested right now in working on a relationship with you and she may interpret this as an effort on your part to get her to change.
Of course both partners need to work on a marriage to make it a good one but your focus right now is a step or two before that - it's to convince her that you are a man worth spending that effort on.


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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@TexasBob -

Do you understand why these 2x4s are coming your way?

Two reasons. One because you and your APs were disgusting. You were supposed to protect your marriage. You did not. You allowed another person to HARM your wife.

Second reason is by using a language to describe these people (yourself included) in any positive light shows us that there is very little remorse for what you did to your marriage. By you using words like "young lady" instead of 'destroyer of marriages" just really shows your wayward thinking.

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Point taken Pepperband.

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Originally Posted by clark_kent
@TexasBob -

Do you understand why these 2x4s are coming your way?

Two reasons. One because you and your APs were disgusting. You were supposed to protect your marriage. You did not. You allowed another person to HARM your wife.

Second reason is by using a language to describe these people (yourself included) in any positive light shows us that there is very little remorse for what you did to your marriage. By you using words like "young lady" instead of 'destroyer of marriages" just really shows your wayward thinking.


In several manners.

Bob, you say college students on ride-alongs? Are you a police officer? So in a position of authority, you took advantage of a young student?

Even if you were a single man, that behavior is completely unethical.

I hope part of your plan is no more ride-alongs, EVER.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by tully
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is this book something I should hand off to my wife at this point?

I would say no, not at this point. She is not interested right now in working on a relationship with you and she may interpret this as an effort on your part to get her to change.
Of course both partners need to work on a marriage to make it a good one but your focus right now is a step or two before that - it's to convince her that you are a man worth spending that effort on.

I would leave it sitting out in a place where your BW can see it the next time she comes over. Or, maybe leave it sitting in the car when you make an exchange next time. That way she knows you are reading it and can ask to look at it if she is interested.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by TexasBob
Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Originally Posted by TexasBob
I flirted with the younglady who rode in my squad car and eventually had the affair with.

I then had sex with this younglady.
Texas Bob, this is another example of WS thinking. Young lady? Really?

Just being factual.

Sorry - we're being factual, too. If this woman was banging a married police office, she might be a female but she is no lady. The correct term is "badge bunny", isn't it?


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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@TexasBob -

What are your BWs 5 most important needs?

Have you read up on the 4 Intimate Needs?

Quote
Also, I believe my wife knows I was the secret Santa who left the gift on her door step last week. She came over last night to pick up the children wearing the gift. This to me was a good sign as I figured the gift would have been discarded had her feelings of resentment been so that gifts from me were repulsive or unwanted.

You missed a wonderful opportunity to meet one of the intimate needs, Conversation. I forget who it was (MelodyLane/Pepperband), said the first step to getting to Open/Honest is inquiry. Instead of conjecturing about her feelings, why didn't you ask her?

"You look really good in that [gift] {affection}! Do you like it?"

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I would leave it sitting out in a place where your BW can see it the next time she comes over. Or, maybe leave it sitting in the car when you make an exchange next time. That way she knows you are reading it and can ask to look at it if she is interested.
This is disingenuous and I think her bs detector would consider it a prop immediately.

Read it yourself, Bob. Then hang on to it. The day may come when she'll ask you where all of your new-found confidence and self-commitment have come from. Then you can show her the book.

Remember, right now you're doing this work to help YOU.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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