Thanks for th feedback TheRoad,
Technically it is her car, we both had cars but they were both under my name. Mine was sold and I now have a company car and got the money for my other car. It is just currently still registered under my name.
Can you believe the OM actually doesn't have his own car and she is has to drop him and pick him up from places.

I still find it really hard knowing what is the correct course of action. She is very strong willed and stubborn. For her to come out of the fog I believe is going to be difficult.

We currently are talking openly and when swapping the children over she stays and talks for a while. I can still sense a real connection (crazy as that seems)

I just need some tips on how you show your partner love, compassion, kindness to bring them close again ect while at the same time not being a doormat. The last thing I want is to end up friends.

Is your wife living with the OM? Because I don't see plan A working when she is living and sleeping with him.

How long have you been doing plan A?

When is your deadline to end plan A and start plan B?

My wife went and got her own rental property, and he stays over but hard to tell how much. He works away and its seems his is only over a day or 2 every week. She is paying for the rental and all the bills associated with the property and it is all her own furniture/belongs in there, none of his. He has no financial involvement at all.

As far as starting plan A and B. I have acted in all the wrongs ways for going on 4 months now because of all the hurt emotions. This hasn't put me in a great light with WW. I now with help from this forum got myself in a far better place and want to put my best foot forward.

I have been with her for 15 years so I will be patient. What is a normal time frame for Part A? It is difficult because I would love to cause some troubles between as it always makes them lovebust for quite some time but it also backfires on me.

Wesh,

You�re in Plan Appeasement. You�re not going to get anywhere doing what you�re doing. If anything, she has zero respect for you and you�ve done nothing to get it back. If you want to shake a WW out of her craziness, then you need to do things that tick her off. File the legal papers you need to to establish 50/50.

Then get an attorney and find out what your options are. I�m sure that there is some term for abandonment you can use against your WW. There has to be something you can do other than smile nicely when she gives you the kids and be friends with someone who doesn�t deserve an ounce of your kindness right now.

You need to go to Plan B and cut off all contact. You�re scared to, but you really need to attack the affair by taking legal action to protect your rights as a father, cutting her off financially (which means not giving her the car), and going dark.

Giving her the cars because of the kids is a weak excuse. I had the same motivation when I gave my ex our brand new mini. It was �for the kids.�

The reality was that I simply made things easy for her. If she wishes to leave and no longer be married, then she can get her a$$ to work and buy herself a car. YOU need the family car for the kids.

Grow a set of balls.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Totally agree - this is hard! Sorry about that but you need to get moving! She is using you and you know it.

Being nice is not going to bring her back.

Man this is hard and I try and take advice and put it in perspective to where I am at the moment.
Some say Plan A, some say Plan B.
Am I afraid to lose my wife?? I am (and have), I made some errors in our marriage (not as big as this ripper)and would have loved the opportunity to have gone to councilling and spoken about it.

Plan B for me is complicated as we swap the kids over every 2nd day as we both adore them. It is very difficult to just not speak to her and go dark. On reflection we both had allowed the relationship to go stale.

Plan A on the other hand lets her see the me which I am becoming. I have began to find myself, enjoying my own company and who I am. She is watching I'm pretty sure. When the cool/calm me comes out she gets closer and we talk more (it is not uncommon to speak for 1/2hr on the phone), but I agree I am not ever a option until the OM is gone, but I don't think I will be a option for a few months without being able to meet those emotional needs he obviously has.

So confused.

You said D Day was :



When did you first become aware of Plan A and REALLY begin to WORK a Plan A?

I think you should stay longer in Plan A.
Are you doing both carrot and stick?
Heavy on the carrot?

All you're doing is feeding into her fantasy that she can leave you and you all can be splendid friends while she starts new life with OM.

In her mind you will all get along splendidly, hang out together, and the kids will run around you in green fields while rainbows, butterflies, and cut bunnies prance about.

The sad thing is, you're helping her feed this reality.

Get a daycare and drop the kids off there for her to pickup. You don't have to see her that way at all. It's really rather simple.

I have only become aware of plan A only a week ago. I have spent all night tonight reading the carrot and stick concepts.

Well, I spent much time reading a lot of threads of Plan A and Plan B and Carrot/Stick treads.
I have come to the conclusion that I will need to do a good Plan A for a number of months.
When I found out about the affair, I acted terribly. I became enraged and actually stuck out again the OM as he was inside my family home. My wife at this point was scared of me and I believe it did a lot of damage that has to be slowly repaired. Looking back I am disappointed in my actions but with the amount of rage and pure emotion I don't think I would have behaved any differently. I think this action concreted in my wifes mind the reason for leaving and pushed her into the arms of the other guy very easily. Up to this point they were right at the beginning stages of the Affair. He just had play up to her with the "I understand" "You deserve better" lines to draw her close and meet some of her emotional needs.
I really want ot give Plan A my all for 3-4 months. What do you think?

Well need some help guys.
WW has now decided I need to do my tax for the year so she can getrent assistance and it is based on my income. I have held of doing it and it is annoying her a little. She then mentions to me that she wants to get away with the OM between Christmas and New Years and for me to have my boys. I haven't started a arguement but need to come up with some excuses to not allow them to have romantic time alone. (I am not working during this time frame).

I also mentioned today as part of Plan A that I was taking the dog to the park and whether she and the boys would like to join me, she was working at home but has said for me to come to the house to pick the boys up and take them. (remembering that the OM didn't want me to know where they were living) So he wouldn't like that.

Also for New Years I had mentioned to her that I wanted to not have the boys so I could celebrate with friends, she mentioned to me that she was celebrating with OM family (they are spanish) then at 12am were going out together to celebrate leaving my kids with the OM parents. This just doesn't sit well with me and I feel like I am on a back foot.

Need some help here guys
Much Appreciated..

WesH,

All I can say is that your fear of losing your W has actually cost you your W. Your marriage is toast and you need to face this.

The only question remaining is do you want to rebuild a marriage with her and if you do, do you have the GUTS to do it right, rather than just muddle along making a mess of it.

Son, rebuilding a marriage is not for wimps and so far you have acted like a wimp from your tantrums to your acquiescing to her every demand.

Let us know when you realize what you really want to do and are willing to do.

God Bless,
JL

Hey Justlearning,


Your comments have put me off guard a little and I will for definately not tell you i am scared about my future with my wife.This has been and still is the hardest thing I have ever done. We were together for 15 wonderful years up until a few months ago.
I am here at these forums because I need guidance now more than ever. I am not scared to fight or upset my wife and OM, but am afraid about her holding the kids against me and damaging chances of any reconcilation.
I want my wife back (full stop) and I will fight for it, let me know what to do.

Brother, we're all trying to help you and almost all of us know exactly how you feel. We're telling you what works. You have to implement the advice. You're appeasing. The objective is not to do as she wishes and appease the affair.

Have you filed the papers you need to secure 50/50 custody?

You need to consult a lawyer. She shouldn't be doing your taxes and she shouldn't keep that money either.

GET A LAWYER!

I appreciate all the help I can get, I really do.

I want to stick with Plan A for a good set amount of time, I think however you are very correct with me appeasing her. Surely I need to get to a place where I meet her emotional needs without becoming a doormat.

I will need to take a firm stand whilst being calm and cool, it just at times is very difficult.
She isn't actually doing my taxes. She needs me to do them, as from these the government can determine how much rent assistance she gets. As far as the children she has never stopped me seeing them but understand how quick things can change in these volatile situations, I will look into it as a priority.

Any other advice?

Yes. Quit letting your WW boss you around.

Get a lawyer to protect yourself. Today.

WesH

From what I'm able to gather you are living in the marital home and your WW has rented an apartment. If there are no documents drawn up for child visitation do not let her take them when she is with OM. She is the one who left right? and got her own place right? She needs to deal with the consequences of that decision. This goes for the tax filing also. She asking you to do all the leg work to make her life easier all the while she's boinkin OM. Do not finance her affair. Do you see this is what you are doing? YOU ARE BEING A DOORMAT. You need a bigger stick portion of Plan A.

BTW, have you exposed this to everyone who can influence your WW?

The problem with men and custody is that they so often surrender to the woman. Look at your own words. �She lets me see them.�

This is where you need to take ownership of your marriage. She should fear you, not the other way around.

Take your time on doing your taxes. She wants more money from you. You�ll get to it when you�re dam*n good and ready to.

She needs to be the one to say, �He lets me see the kids.�

Don�t assume, even in Australia, that women get the kids. This is why it is critical that you get a lawyer, like yesterday.

Affairs have consequences. Abandoning a marriage has consequences.

Also, to he11 with your New Year plans. You�re now in a custody battle. Take your kids every time she offers them. Show how she defaults to you with the kids.

You disarm any possible attempt on her part later on to say you�re an unfit parent when you have documentation showing every single instance when she�s given you the kids.

Look, the stick of Plan A is to make divorced life as unappealing an option as possible for the WW while making staying married to you look like the much better option.

You do these things while taking active steps to kill the affair.

Well, I have created another fight. I said I was not going to just mind the kids over the New Years break for 5 days whilst she went on break with OM. I love my kids but i'm not a babysitter while they continue living there life.

I feel absolutely terrible now, she once again wont speak to me, it is very painful and I the OM another text to say I wont back down from my wife, this will cause huge conflict between them.

I hate the pain she puts me through and her lack of any sight or desire to even fix the marriage. At times it would be easier to let go.. It is just a hard day but I know I am worth more than this and my children deserve so much more.