Wes, this may go against other vets' thoughts, but I think you've made a good choice. I suspect your OM isn't too invested in your children and would prefer they not be underfoot. This will create conflict in more ways than one.

And you are NOT A BABYSITTER.

My advice to get the kids is based more on the lines of disarming any attempt she might have to say that you're not a good dad in court. She can't very well do that when she gives the kids to you on a regular basis. You can also establish a pattern where you're the one who appears responsible while she's out partying like a teen.

If the goal is to create conflict, then don't take the kids. But I say take them.

Trust me, my friend, it gets better as time goes on. You will hurt for a long time, but it slowly hurts less and less each day.

That's the good thing about Plan B. You get insulated from the torture you're going through right now. Right now it hurts. Later on it will simply enrage. The anger phase is a nasty one. Be careful.

I have from the day she left had 50/50 care of the children. I have and will continue to put a huge amount of time and love into my kids. I think for next year I will concentrate on getting some more structure in place for the children which is also easier as I have the family home.

I have spent 5 months wanting her back and it has drained me.. I am tired..but will continue to remain hopeful. I believe I need to find a place where I show her unconditional love, where the door is open and allow her affair to take its natural course while not being walked over. The hard thing I have found in this journey so far is that I can't change my personality and what I believe in and nor do I want to.

I will never approve of the affair and never accept him as a partner, but I need to stop doing love busters if ever there is a chance to one day reconnect. It is hard, it is painful but it is life.

WesH, I agree with lostdads. In my separation agreement I have right of first refusal when WW wants to leave the kids with sitter so she can go do her "thing". Yes, at times I feel like a babysitter and I really detest feeling that way, but the point is to spend as much time as I can with my kids. This can feel like you're condoning WW's behavior and she may take full advantage of that but in the long run it can only reflect positively on you if it should come to divorce. Your kids see what's going on. They are not oblivious as to why mom doesn't want to spend time with them. Take them at every opportunity. There's no reason npot to. You are not the one needing time to carry on an A.

IMHO, I think not taking the kids in order to put pressure on your WW is not best for the kids. What if she decides to find another sitter after you turned her down? That leaves kids with someone else and kids may know why mom has left them with a sitter but now their thought process may be...now where's dad? Id he leaving us too? Believe me I struggled tremendously with this and I finally decided that I couldn't leave my kids with the impression both mom and dad are out of the picture. Since we are the ones fighting for our marriages and families I feel we must take on this responsibility when WWs priorities are all f***ed up.

WesH, are you paying her to stay at her apartment? Is she having OM over when she has the kids? If so...STOP IT!!! Tell her "I won't pay for you to leave the marriage. I want to do all I can to stay together and work on roconciling and renewing our marriage and make it better than ever but I cannot and will not continue to fund your effort to destroy it.

Wesh, please answer this:

Do you have official legal documents giving you 50/50 custody?

That is critical. A promise from WW is worthless. She could start keeping the kids from you and using them as a weapon and you're up the creek without a paddle because you have nothing legal and in writing securing your rights as a father.

I have no idea how things are in Australia. I know that father's rights in England suck. I lived there 3 years and remember seeing men dressed as super heroes climbing the walls of parliament in protest because they never got to see their kids and were alienated from them.

It is absolutely critical that you don't become one of these men. Filing the papers for the custody of your kids, establishing and protecting the status quo, will protect you and them from having her use them as a weapon and bargaining chip.

Thanks guys for the feedback,

My wife is very financially independent and always has been. She pays for her apartment and all the associated bills. I also know she spends money on things for the kids (ie school fees, toys) and never asks me for any help as well. When we were together money was never a issue, it really never meant anything to her or me..

Last night for the first time she opened up a little and basically said she left this marriage because of me, not the OM. She believes over time my behavior had become unpredictable. She simply wasn't enjoying being married and our arguments and ups and downs had taken there toll. Unfortunately I never saw it this way and it wasn't communicated with me.

She said she believes we can be both very active parents and wants to do that, she wants to continue with our arrangement of seeing the children every 2nd day and both of us taking active roles in the children s upbringing. I think my children can be a strong draw card for me. She knows what a great father I am, and the OM doesn't like me seeing her at all, which is impossible in the case.

I suppose with this insight it gives me the opportunity to draw her close, meet emotional needs and subtly get a better standing with her. She is super independent and her personality is not one to apologize for her mistakes so a Plan B approach will always blow up and she closes the door. At the moment the OM seems like the better option, but it is early days.

It sounds like she is setting you up for the 'D' talk - as in, the two of you will divorce, but she will allow (!) you to continue seeing your children on this schedule that works for her and her OM. I would let her know that D is NOT in the picture, that you will NOT be her friend and will drag OM through the mud that he lives in in order to convince the court that you will have primary care of your children.

Do NOT make this easy for her!

HAVE YOU FILED PAPERS TO PROTECT YOUR RIGHTS AS A FATHER?

Well another update.

I decided to go with plan A, and just give myself some space to rebuild while still showing her the best of our marriage has to offer.

Today we spoke on the phone for 30 minutes and she had had a fight with the OM. A night had happened where her and the OM were together with our 2 sons. My son (3.5 yrs old) was behaving badly and the OM turned to my wife and basically said "just put him in a room and shut the door" My wife found this completely inappropriate and said it made her feel like he was having a shot at her parenting abilities.

I don't know how bad the fight was but when we spoke about Christmas, she basically said she was unsure of some of her plans now (they had all been planned around him)

She has also done something unexpected. Originally the OM had told her to not let me know where the kids and my wife were living, so she had been picking them up and dropping them off to me. I have my boys tonight and for the first time she told me just to drop them to her in the morning. I said to her, so your coming to pick them up from me.... and she said no you just drop them off.

Don't know if i read to much into this but it seems some of the honeymoon period might be wearing off.

HAVE YOU FILED PAPERS TO SECURE YOUR RIGHTS AS A FATHER?

Good Lord, man!

Answer the question!

I can tell you that if it was my son I would go over there, get in the other man�s face, and warn him that if he ever threatened or suggested that your son be locked up again that you will gut him with a spoon.

Is there a social services you can report him to?

The paperwork for the children has been filed with the courts. It is a agreement on 50/50 care. At anytime if she holds them from me, the police can simply go and get them with me. She was shocked by it all. Definitely woke her up a little. She is seeing a different side to him now but these things are always unpredictable.

I'm positive Australia has some sort of child protection services. Report what your WW told you to them. Let them take it from there.

It would also never hurt to remind her that no man will love your kids like you do. None.

It's an opportunity to present SH's scenario to her. The scenario is, "Wouldn't you rather be deeply in love with the father of your children?"

Those aren't the exact words, but you get the picture.

Wes, I posted this to you on the 15th:
OM wasn't taking a shot at her parenting abilities. He doesn't care enough about the kids to debate her parenting abilities. He has NO investment in the kids, and doesn't want to invest. He's just interested in investing with your WW.

This is what I meant when I said that having the kids at WW's will cause conflict in their A.

I would suggest you tell WW: "I'm sure he wasn't saying anything negative about your parenting abilities because it's obvious you're a good mother. Maybe he thought they were in the way?" Give her a little nudge so that it will occur to her that OM doesn't appear to be interested in taking your place as New Dad. Your WW probably has this fuzzy little fantasy going, that they'll form this happy little unit where OM takes your place. She needs to see that that won't be the reality.

Do not threaten anyone with a physical attack. Such threats are illegal.

As for OM's suggestion to lock the boy in a room and whether social services should be told, just remember that "time outs" and "naughty steps" are becoming routine recommendations for dealing with tantrums these days. TV programmes like Supernanny show parents how to isolate children until they decide to calm down, and social services here in Britain recommended this to me for my own 9 year-old son, who had behavioural problems.

I'm not defending scumbag OM, and I agree that it would be a good thing for conflict over the children to cause conflict between him and WW. I'm just warning you not to break the law yourself, or to appear to the authorities as vindictive or extreme.

The law can go to he11 when it comes to the safety of my kids and to someone locking them in a room somewhere. But that�s me.

Look, unless something is in written, then they have no proof you ever said it. I�d make sure I was alone with him and I�d let him know.

Any claims can be denied if you�re ever confronted about them.

But my kids are something I would never sit aside peacefully on. I�d put him on notice.

Who are they more likely to believe, a man who is screwing a married woman and has the incentive to alienate the father or the father of the children?

Do as you wish. I�m just telling you what I would do. Get him alone. Warn him. Put the fear of God into him and do it when no one is around.

If OM threatened your child,,,, I don't mean like behave or you'll have to go into your room sort of thing .... then you would have very clear grounds to seek a VRO and custody of your child. Government Child protection services exist in all states and territories as well ... if you think the threat was real they will be obliged to investigate.

wesh the OM's lifestyle would tend to give indications that he is one of the fly in fly out crowd. the lifestyle is notorious for hard drinking and drugs while away from the job and full out 12 plus hour shifts while working. obviously not all workers are like that. but single and failed relationships ...well I'd put money on it there's history.
it may be worth while getting some info on this bloke via a PI... you may be able to get a protection order for your child if he has a history. that would disrupt fantasy world alright.

I would also not warn your ws you are doing this should you choose to do any background research ....

threats to a child is one of the few areas in Australian custody laws that can work well ...just make sure the allegations are as correct as you can ascertain. Sugarcane is right... you don't want them to backfire on you. But if your child is showing signs of fear and distress around the OM ... go see child protection. better to be a caring parent who was wrong than not.

The words quoted here were "just put him in a room and shut the door". I don't hear threatening words or behaviour in that, or see any degree of child abuse. They were not even said to the child, it seems.

As to your threatening OM: you are trying to win custody of your children through the legal process. Please do not go outside of the law and jeopardise your chances.

Yep. I'm not hearing a threat. I'm hearing "Get this kid outta my space."

The kid is three! Throw him in a room and close it?! Come on!

Sorry. My fuse is short on these issues. I�d at least give him a call and tell him to watch himself and what he says because I will be watching him and will not hesitate to throw child protective services on him if he ever threatens to lock my kid up again.

Remember, part of dealing with OM is the friction a BS can create. Putting him on notice certainly creates friction. Letting him know you�re watching what he does with your kids creates friction. Fine, don�t go to the extreme of telling him you�ll gut him with a spoon. I don�t even think that�s possible.

But you can certainly let him know you�re watching.