Okay - lots has transpired in the last 24 hours. WH flew home and the kids were of course surprised to see him. We had app't with MC and Child psychologist. He told both he was on the path to separation/divorce. He also contacted a couple potential lawyers. He broke down crying at least twice - reality is really setting in. I had him sleep in the basement and that really got to him (I know people had advised Plan A but I couldn't stomach it last night). DS woke up this morning and came to our room and was confused when WH wasn't there. It really crushed WH - he's in so much fear of making our kids sad - which he should be! The good thing about the child psychologist was that she made it clear that our kids would be crushed. She knows DD very well as DD has been in therapy for about a year. I've also made it clear that if we go the divorce route I won't be in contact. That's crushing him as well - he wants me as his "friend" and has this fantasy that my family will continue to include him. But - starting to realize that his plan is not going to happen. He was so distraught that he didn't go to work today, cancelled app'ts with potential attorneys and made an app't to see our MC by himself.
I am hoping that MC talks some sense into him (which by the way I think he will!) All hope is not lost.
I also may not have mentioned that I emailed OW and copied WH - made it very clear that WH had been making love to me inbetween his overseas romps with her. I think that may have helped make her think twice. I agree that I need to play detective and find out who her family is - I do know her first name, employer, and personal email address. I don't think she's on Facebook even though it's popular in that country.

Did you read our posts?

I have lost all hope if this your only plan. So the plan is to LIE to your daughter? How will your H's absence be explained? More lies?

All hope is not lost, but you are doomed to disappointment if you pin your hopes on a counselor reasoning with your mind-scrambled WH. Ain't gonna happen, as those Texans say.

There is hope if YOU pull yourself together and follow a plan that involves Plan A, followed by Plan B.

You may have done many elements of Plan A up to now, but not with the targeted support of this board. You should not go to Plan B yet, without completing the process.

A combination of widespread exposure, plus meeting your WH's top EN's is where your focus needs to be right now. What you need to be thinking on, preparatory to taking action, is:

1. Who are my exposure targets, for both WH and OW?

2. What are WH's top EN's? Which 2-3 can I meet today?

3. Are there any lovebusters I need to avoid?

Blowing raspberries at OW about your sexual acts with her boyfriend may also cause her to double her efforts to win him away from you. Don't assume you know what the OW is thinking!

So. Your H is living in the basement, seeing some MC and weeping while he figures out how to lie to his children and keep you as a buddy. This does not sound encouraging to me.

I know everyone is giving me a hard time, but we went from almost divorcing yesterday to some positive. I did not love bust at all today and in fact think I added to the love bank. My exposure with his family is working. WH told me that his mother loves me more than him, as does one of his sisters. I think the second betrayal really got to them - finally they see the light! I emailed them right after he admitted being in hotel room with OW. I do think email to OW helped. It's hard to believe that a single woman would want to get wrapped up in so much messiness.

His family has thrown their support your way - fantastic! Now, are you ready to use MB principles to save your M? Is your WH willing?

Everyone is giving you a "hard time" because we want to see you succeed. We want to see you avoid mistakes that will make the job of saving your M much harder, and perhaps even impossible.

GREAT that your IL's support you - that's a fantastic step in the right direction.

Now that s has hit the fan and reality is setting in - talking about custody issues, lawyers, etc WH is thinking of trying again. He again says that he is going to tell OW that they should not contact each other, but he won't put it in writing as I asked. How can I verify/trust without it in writing? How can I get him to understand that?

Have been working hard on his ENs. I still have him sleeping in basement - which I think is working. He's realizing he's the one that is going to be on the outside if we head towards divorce.

Whenever I expose him, he threatens to expose me as a bad wife and make this into a war. How should I respond? For example, I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight and he is in complete panic about what I'm going to say to them (they and their spouses are all in our circle of friends). I told him I need emotional support from people right now.

Great news!


Tell him you'll consider that he's still in the affair until NC letter is sent; you'll accept nothing less. (He's still wayward until he's prepared to meet all your reasonable conditions.)


I'm not sure if MB advises this, but to me it sounds like a perfect solution. Still under the same roof but he's having to experience some negative consequences. Plus, until you get checked for STDs, you shouldn't be meeting his need for SF anyway. You can be affectionate throughout the day.


That's why exposure should be done to a thoughtfully prepared list of people all at once, not in waves.

Tell him to sing out your failings LOUD AND PROUD. He's threatening you to make you shut up. Tell him to go ahead and do it. Knowing you 'don't care' will take the wind out of his sails on this emotional threat.

fa,

You don't seem to respond to our posts. You come back and update, but you do not answer some of our questions.

It will be no use your H writing a NC letter if he continues travelling to her country.

I asked you what you can do about his travel. I don't think you answered me.

What can you do in the immediate and longer term to make sure that he never travel without you again, or gives up travelling altogether?

He is just scared enough into keeping you BOTH. Since there is no plan to recover the marriage, he now has a plan to keep you BOTH on line so he can avoid the pain of divorce. Is he going to stop traveling?


This is so bad I don't even know where to start. First off, he should never know about exposure. And secondly, your family is falling apart and you are going out?

I don't know what to say to that. It sounds like you have you have you own plan so I don't know what we can do to help you.

I am making it clear to WH that he needs a NC letter.

I don't think I can get WH to stop traveling, but I've also made it clear that I will have to go with him.

I've found ways to check not only his regular cell phone account, but found a calling card he uses and his travel cell phone account.

FA, have you read the thread begun by a new poster savemymarr? Go read his thread to see what happens when there is no plan to recover the marriage.

Threatening to ruin your reputation and make horrible claims about you is probably a common response to exposure.
You stay calm and don't let that keep you from doing it.
A fell swoop needs to be done though.
All exposure possible in a swift tsunami of truth.

He will be scary in response. Prepare to remain calm in your exterier and not wince. Breathe.

If he threatens to lie about you when its done......calmly say "If you lie about me, I will request we both take lie detectors to show the truth of the situation." and smile a sweet, not wicked smile.

The reluctance of a spouse to write a no contact letter is very telling. At this point, your H does not intend to end contact with OW or recover the marriage with you. If you are interested in several examples of false recoveries, take a look at the false recovery thread and the hard lessons learned by the people who have posted on that thread.

AM

BINGO! Please listen to Armymama, she knows what she is talking about. You are headed for a false recovery which is much worse than the initial affair. He intends on keeping you BOTH.

okay - so if it's a false recovery what do I do? Am meeting WH for lunch today. We're supposed to go to FL as a family leaving on Friday to see his MIL. I don't know what to do. I want to spend the week with my kids. Do I stay at a hotel? Do I stay with MIL? Do I stay home? I need help here.

Of course you go. You go and have a good time being the woman he fell in love with. You enjoy family time. Even if it were a false recovery (and I totally am in the group who thinks it is and don't let that bug you too much cause it is basically to be expected from your H at this juncture).

Have no expectations that he is truthful here. Figure he probably IS in contact with OW at this point. Just don't let that affect your actions to lure him into love with you. Heck. Do your best to be the best wife he could have right now. Work on yourself (this will come in handy for you no matter what happens in the future).

Stay wherever your H is staying. MIL house if he is going to stay there.

No what is called lovebusting on the trip. Lovebusters are
angry outbursts
disrespectful judgements
selfish demands (asking the wayward to stop all contact with another person is not a selfish demand if you say that you need this to happen for the marriage to survive and thrive)