If you want to know for sure, hire a PI. Get proof. If you are unsure. It is worth it. That way you will know if you should or should not open up your heart to him again right now.

I can't be bothered to spend any more money on the guy. I have spent about 600 pound on him already and put all my efforts into him. As far as I am concerned he is seeing other women, unless he is able to prove to me otherwise.

He can get on with it and I can get the divorce filed.

I have given him the benefit of the doubt enough.

Dont beat yourself up for falling back in with him either. I dated a guy for over 10 years who I kept going back to again and again. I finally broke up with him when I decided I deserved better and wanted a true love in my life not the dependent cheating boyfriend he was.

I had the ability to break up and get back together again and again. ONLY because I did not want children and I was not married to him.

YOU are in a different situation.

1. You want a family someday.
2. You are married and cannot allow cheating at all.

So, therefore YOU have to take strong action here sooner rather than later. So you can protect your childbearing years and still have TIME to pick a good father for the kids you might have.

600 LBS is that about 900 american dollars?

When did you spend this money on him? Recently?

Yes Bubbles, I spent about that much on counselling sessions with Steve Harley.

I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I thought clean slate put the past behind me. ALLOW him to be there during the death of my father as he was so insistent. I told him at the time, I only want you to be there if there is no other woman, as I can't handle that. He insisted there was no one else. THEN I have a huge dose of reality. What reason do I have to believe him? He has shown no remorse.

Hi Harmony. I don't think I've written on your thread before aside from saying that I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm sure it's been quite a roller coaster of emotions for you lately.

I noticed something CP said to you recently:


This is probably a perfect time to answer that and write down what it takes for him to "lure" you in. Putting it in writing - your own handwriting - would be a smart exercise for you to identify your vulnerabilities.

I understand, you spent the money for the betterment of the marriage. Yet you still do not have remorse from him or know that he is not still dating other women. That would piss me off.

I do not know which I would spend more money on:

1. A private investigator
2. A polygraph for him
3. A divorce attorney

Possibly you could have a friend follow him and report back to you, it would be a "cheap and dirty" PI if you did not want to spend any money. Once my husband helped his friend like that, we knew his friend's wife was e-mailing her OM and they were going to meet at a certain parking lot one morning. We were there and took pictures. It was quite exciting. Then we gave those to her husband. After about 3 more affairs, one across the country affair where she drove to be with the OM, she has finally quit having affairs...for the moment.

My view is that I don't want to know what he is upto, as far as I am concerned it is upto HIM to prove to me that he is not seeing anyone and show me all the right moves, before I let him back in the house.

Then he will need to put EP's in place, with me doing the occasional snooping.

I am not going to chase around after him, whilst we are separated, let him get on with it, whilst I stay in Dark Plan B.

Rant over. Thing is Bubbles I got riled when you said about OW, and it hit a nerve and got me all flustered and thats my instincts kicking in.

I know I always rile people up, it is my nature.

You said: "My view is that I don't want to know what he is upto, as far as I am concerned it is upto HIM to prove to me that he is not seeing anyone and show me all the right moves, before I let him back in the house. "

I ask you these questions:

1. What are the right moves?
2. What if he makes the right moves but is still cheating?
3. Have you told him what you want him to do?
4. Does he want to be with you/live with you again?
5. How long will you wait for him to come up with the right moves?

Maybe this is what a Dark Plan B is all about, not chasing them etc. As long as he knows this. What if he does not want to move back in with you and instead chooses to be free? Will you wait for 6 months or so or what time period?

Are you going to have a REAL DARK Plan B this time? Make sure or he will never think you are serious.

I am not going to wait for 6 months. I think he has had enough of my time. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can picture a plan B so deep and dark.... like a dark black night....that the silence is deafening to him. The e-mail silence, the doorbell silence, the letter silence and the phonecall silence and texting silence. Change the locks again (you can learn to do this yourself) and determine the length of time you will be in Plan B.

And really, with the way you described your passionate night earlier this week, what a great way to way to end Plan A and go into Plan B.

This is where I get confused, would she send H another Plan B letter?

(you've sent one before, right Harmony?)

Yes I can do this I did it for 6 weeks before. Oh by the way, I managed to get the back door key from him so he doesn't have this anymore

I am annoyed as this must be confusing for him, all of a sudden I have gone to bed with him, then I have sent him a nice text today, then I go Dark on him.

Questions

Do I need to send him a no contact letter/text?

How long should I do Plan B at a mimimum to have the desired effect? He seemed to crack a little last time after 4 weeks and in particular went crazy when I ignored his birthday.

Thanks guys, I have been operating out of fear, fear that I could lose him and wanting to believe what he tells me.

The guy will think I am loopy, because I threw him out went Dark Plan B, then let him back in again, and now going Dark Plan B again!

Good point Delta. The last Plan B letter, he left here at the house, so not sure how I get one to him this time.

Which is why there shouldn't be any "slips" in plan B. But, you can't turn back time. All you CAN do is show him that you mean it, THIS TIME.

I would re-send the Plan B letter. I may even preface it with a "thanx for being there for me for my dad's funeral" and then the rest of your letter.

Get real dark and not just where he doesn't see you, but one where you aren't looking for him either. YOU CAN DO THIS.

You could ask him to meet you somewhere and give it to him. Or you could go to his parent's house and knock on the door. You could even stick it under his wiper blade of his car. There ARE ways.

Yes those are some good suggestions, thanks Scotland. Ofcourse there are ways, I will put something together and post. I have no proof he is seeing anyone, but he has made no real attempt at reconciliation.

I really like Plan B as it gives me back the power, I only broke it under extreme circumstances (my dear dad).

Its understandable in your grief that emotions would run high and certain boundaries would come down with your H.

I wonder if you realize every time you sleep with him you re-enforce that he is alright and does not need to seek help? In his life, and certainly where his realationship with you is concerned. He doesn't respect you if he will sleep with you and not be commited to the marriage and work on it somehow.

Maybe you are both convinced MB is not for you, and that there is another way, I don't know, but you are talking about plan B again, so maybe another stab at it is in order.

Lets see if this time it is more than a way to control him while YOU fence sit, instead of fully commiting to the wisdom of the plan, or if you will trust what so many people here are telling you about the back and forth you are doing.

Ive seen it before, and others too, and it is likely you will blame the MB program, without really doing it first. You can't use bits and pieces that fit in your plan, you must commit to it fully.

I say this with the utmost respect for you and the time you are going thru, and the belief you can understand a half-azzed marrige is what you ran away from, and a half-azzed MB will not work either.

Time to commit to something, your best thinking got you here, time to accept help from grown up s that have lived it and have recovered.

God Bless Harmony