I miss my H too...I am also extremely loyal and I am the type that thinks that family should stick together through thick and thin....Maybe we ourselves put up with way too much of the thin and should have expected more for ourselves, IDK...I worshipped my H and I know that was a huge mistake....now I know better.

I may have helped turn him into the egotistical monster that he is now. I do think it eats them up though...they just are better at not showing it and shoving it down...you can only do that for so long...We are now better people for what we went through {even though we may not feel that way} They are worse...

Its a facade and I myself would not want to live that way...I would rather live in this pain than to shove down feelings that I have from destroying so many peoples (that I love) lives. At least I am living in truth and can only get better...They pretty much only have downhill to look forward to, ya know? Hang in there...We will both get through this...

Still, thank you for your words. It is true, I also worshiped my H and put him before anyone else. I think that made him fall out of love. There was no challenge, he was too sure about me.
Just look at all the BH and how much they want their WW back. When they describe their WW I can't help it but compare her behaviour to mine. I would have not acted that way with my H even if he did not me my needs for the longest time. These WW are just not M material and yet the BH would do anything to have them back.
That shows me that if you are too easy and too nice...you do not get men to want to be with you. It seems that men have to suffer a little (or a lot) to come to appreciate a woman. Maybe I am wrong.
I just think that they do not realize how much they hurt us, if they did they would be better people and act differently. The way my WH acts tells me he can care less about others. He only cares about himself.

For my WH the downhill will only start when he will no longer be able to have an erection. I think then he will really become very very sad and hit bottom. Till then, he will find plenty of OW who are willing to be with him. And he knows that. He is enjoying the ride (no matter how short or long it will be) till it lasts.
One of the last few words I remember him saying to me before we separated were: I just want to have fun, life is short and till I can I want to enjoy it.
So that's where he is at right now...
We will get thru this, but, for me, it might take a long long time.
blessing

aetna,
Sorry your down. Cheer up buttercup, happy days are ahead!! Now did that make you feel better? Good.

I'm having a bad day too. WH didn't come home & today is his day off - spending it with OW(skank!). Stinks to be me.

Lets be somebody else, okay? Today we will be highly intelligent, bright, beautiful, charming, UNATTACHED, sucessful, sexy women. The kind of woman all men want and other women HATE! We'll have it all goin' on. We'll be all that and a bag of chips too!!!

aetna, your WH never did try for a recovery, did he? and he's still with OW?

No, he left over a year ago and never attempted any type of recovery. He does not live with OW but sees her on a daily basis which is just his dream come true. He does what he wants and she delivers the goods at his doorstep...leaving her kids with her ex H.
I am attractive and could turn into that type of woman you describe....it would be fun for a while to see what happens..
blessing

Well girls, I am walking into this pity party late.

I know with the holidays it is a tough time...brutal actually.

This is the third Christmas without my XH and his first as a married man to PP.

Under those circumstances I think I would be really down, instead I am almost enjoying the holiday. Had a few moments first time at the mall playing Christmas songs but I recovered.

This year DD and me are throwing a holiday Christmas party. We will probably have 30 to 40 people. DD17 is making the menu and cooking. She is very excited. This is the first year she is in a good place since all of this started.

Do I still love XH...well the man he was but I do know as long as he is with PP that man will not surface.

I do feel detached and it is a blessing. I also made new friends and forcing myself to get out more. I do not date but I am comfortable not going out.

Make sure witht the holidays post often. Two years ago without MB I don't know what I would have done. It is a safe place here.

Hope, I think the holiday party is a wonderful idea...and I am so glad to hear your DD is doing much better with all crap our WH put us through...I am slowly but surely beginning to feel detatched...like the H I once knew is a fond memory and it is now finally sinking in that truly, he just doesnt exist anymore. WH is a stranger to me now...sad but true.

@stillhear

Are you still in PlanB? You have no contact with WH 3 years now?

Did you give yourself a timeline? I guess that was passed a lonnng time ago, huh?

You speak of your WH being just a memory now. Adultery is like a death. All that the living are left with in the end is just a pile of junk and memories.

Yeah, I am supposed to still be in Plan B....I was not doing a great one, then I did real good for a long time...but lately I have been talking to him about the things DS does....like funny cute things that WH doesnt even deserve to know about....Its just no one appreciates the stories like WH does...

I have given up on my M, so talking to him is not ruining any chance of R because there is no chance....but it doesnt help me emotionally at all, so I gotta go dark again....My timeline is passed but I figure when and if I feel I am ready to go through with D, I will initiate it.....I am kinda stuck emotionally, cuz of contact lately...similar to atena, emotionwise....Oh Well...

Atena, I hope you are doin okay also.....

So I guess your for a dark Plan B.

Helps heal a BS emotionally better?

My WH is an alcoholic involved w/alcoholic OW.

I'm just hoping that a PlanB (and prayer) will help him help stop the drinking. He needs to for his kids.

Thanks.

I would have saved myself boatloads of pain if I continued to stay completely dark.....I actually was doing so good being completely dark that I thought I could handle talking to him...Now I am feeling the emotional effects...I think it may be a lifelong Plan B thats best for me.

And cognitive behavioural therapy. Did you do any research on it?

Yes I did sugarcane...It looks good for me...I am gonna look into finding a therapist that specializes in it after the holidays....Thank you!!!

Thank you.....Im gonna take a look at that.

Happy new year to all!

I have been spending time with my son who is visiting from the states.
He has been here 10 days and his dad has not yet seen him. My son says he would like to see his dad but has not indicated any sort of frustration for the fact that they have not yet connected and made a date to see eachother.
Is it normal that a WS lose interest to this point? If it were me I would have tried to see my son as soon as he landed and several times after that....!
My WH's A is still going and I guess the fog is still very think. Is it possible to lose it all and only be able to think of the time he needs to spend with OW and that he does not want to waste by spending it with son?
I am very sad these days. I do not enjoy myself too much even with son whom I adore...he reminds me too much of WH and our times together as a family. Son is at a friend now and I finally have time to write
I am tired of being this way and of crying and missing WH...I would love to find a logic to his behaviour and to understand why he so easily abandoned me without any regret. How can a woman explain such a behaviour without feeling it must be her fault to be so repulsive...?
Blessing

It's not you, atena. He's a wayward. Nothing he does makes any sense.

I'm so sorry you're unhappy. I hope that things improve rapidly in 2011.

Atena,
HAPPY 2011 to YOU!



You sound so down...

This will pass. I think we all have times like that. May I ask you if you are on any antidepressants? I was reluctant to go on any, but my doctor suggested, as did MB, that will help. Guess what? They do! I do feel a lot less "weepy", it's only been about a month, but I can feel myself getting back to some type of 'normalcy' in my moods. Please, if you are not taking any see your doctor about trying some. They are by no means a cure all end all for problems but they help.

Don't be so down on yourself. What do the vets on here always say: The A is about the WS NOT you! That's hard, I know, but you are giving it all you've got, don't give up.

There really is no explenation for WS behavior. I wish I had one, I'd be sittin' in a beach chair, on an tropical island, drinking a margarita and countin' all my money ! It is sad that sooo many WS abandon their kids and families(including,sometimes their own parents & siblings) all for the sake of "true love", which we know is "true lust".

2011 will be better. It has to be...

Enjoy your son's visit and send him off with lots of love in his heart from you.
mitzie

thank you Mitzie and Sugar, it helps to hear it is all about him and not me. But this true love business must be more than just lust...it is lasting too long to just be lust....
My mom (who is italian) does not understand the wayward mind and keeps telling me that since my WH is american he is colder towards his kid because...don't americans send their kids off to college alone when they are 18? So what do I expect!
I wish she could read this forum and find out that being american has nothing to do with acting like a wayward...and his nationality does not matter.
When I tell my mom this she says she knows many italian man who D their wife but that fight for the right to see their kids, she says they want to see their kids even if they have OW...she thinks this estrangement is also a cultural thing...I totally disagree and I am sure nationality or culture hardly matters when a person goes wayward....
thank you and blessing

Atena, Happy new year even though it is not the way we imagine.

My XH has not seen DD17 for 1.5 years. Yes it is her choice but guess what he is doing nothing to change it. He transferred $150 each to both DD and texted them Christmas morning, probably enough to allievate his own guilt.

I know we are logical and want a logical explanation to their behavior. I had a difficult time about the fog, waywardness and addiction but see how common it is.

You mention true love business -- it is but in THEIR minds. It is not real.

Blessings.

hi all,
my WH finally saw my son yesterday for lunch and shopping.
My son and i at dinner talked about our separation and son told me that his dad told him he is happy now that he can manage his own time and do the things he likes.
WH said the only problem he has is with OW exH who is creating useless problems..(wow, what a subject of conversation to bring up with our son after not seeing him for so long....)
Furthermore WH told son that I still do not speak to him. He added that the reason of our separation was due to the fact that I was unhappy wherever we went and that he got tired to keep moving. He finally is where he wants to be: at the lake, doing hikes and enjoying simple things.
I told my son that that is not true and that the reason why his dad separated is becouse of his tendency to fall for OWs when problems arise in the M.
Son said that he does not believe his dad had a tendency to go with other women. He believes his dad did something awful to me and he condemns him for it, but he also believes that maybe his dad had no choice but have his two affairs when we moved to Italy and WH finally realized that even moving here, which was my ultimate goal, was not going to make me happy. He finally realized nothing would make me happy and started looking for hapiness in OWs. SOn said sometimes people make bad choices if they are in bad situations.
At that point I looked at my son in the eyes and told him how much pain his dad had caused me by his two affairs, pain that son cannot even imagine and how hard it has been in this past year and half to live like a homeless person going from one place to the other and trying to finish a graduate degree, holding a full time job and working in the summers.
I started crying and son told me: mom, i know this is very hard on you, all i am saying is that you and dad have 2 totally different set of values and that a man like him could but do what he did...cheat. He could have not chosen anything else because he was not willing to work on the M and he felt you scared him if he opened up to you. I am just telling you his side of the story, but I am on your side and totally disapprove of his choice.
I was devastated last night. Son spent all day with me today, he was very affectionate and hugged me a lot.
Son added today that it would be good if i would talk to his dad and figure out why he did what he did, but i told son that i have no interest in knowing that while he stills sees OW and that is up to his dad to look for me. Son said that if i do not talk to his dad then there are very little chances the 2 of us can get back together.
I told him that till he sees OW there are no chances i will attempt to speak to him and even if he leaves her it is up to WH to seek me.
Folks, my WH is obviously happy with his new lifestyle. He only saw my son yesterday and did not attempt to see him at all during the holidays not in the next few days before my son leaves to go back to the states.
It is very possible that WH has finally unburdened himself of family commitments and is truly happy without us.....
Is he a peculiar kind of wayward or is he just trying to put the blame on me and look good with our son?
blessing