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Originally Posted by letgoletGod
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
I've read that before. H is not remorseful at all at this point, that's for sure!

It saddens me that he texted our kids and said, "It is not going to work out between your mom and I"
I have not gotten solid proof that my husband is having an affair but he already said something like this to our oldest son last weekend while I was away at a religious retreat with the other 2 older children. WH said "I need to talk to you about something and I feel you are old enough to understand it. As you may have noticed mom and dad are not getting along. I drive mom nuts and mom drives me nuts. I wanted you to know what is going on so you are prepared for what may happen in the future." I was PO'd at WH for talking to DS. WH is laying down the ground work (excuse trail) for him leaving. What WH doesn't know is what is coming his way. He really believes I won't tell anyone and he will just be able to leave after telling people we tried but it just didn't work.

I know exactly where you are at, LGLG! It is difficult to see your children being talked to and told these types of things. Just keep in mind that my H said those things and look where we are now...in recovery! Only because I was willing to take a hardline though, and not continue looking the other way while he continued on with OW! When you have the strength to feel the fear and face the issue head on, you have a real chance for change. It helped me so much to have the support of other people telling me I could do this! You're in a great place for that!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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Sidenote:

I have to go out of town Friday for a funeral. My step-grandfather died on Friday. (He was 99!) I really don't want to go and leave the family and be away right now, but I'm planning on coming back Sat. night. It isn't that I think H is going to be tempted because I'm gone...but I just don't want to be apart right now! Is that stupid? We can't afford for us all to go so he's going to stay home with the boys.
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"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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After a brief hiatus due to finals, Christmas activities, company in town, etc... I thought I would check back in.

The MB at home program is going very well for H and I. I see how much sense Harley's concepts make to rebuild a relationship. We are talking more openly and honestly than we ever have - throughout 20 years of marriage. I'm not going to say it is always easy, esp. when discussing feelings about the affair, but I am glad for the openness. Our relationship feels very genuine. It is very affectionate at the moment, which is good. I am looking for a little more passion from H - but I know I need to be a bit more patient in that regard. After seeing the efforts he made with OW, I want to see that for myself!

We've had some good conversations the last few days. We've been spending good, quality time together: meeting needs, avoiding LB's, etc...

One of our favorite activities has become driving around at night looking at Christmas lights in our town. I grab a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate, we turn on the Christmas radio station, and it's very nice. :-)

We've needed nudging here and there to continue the worksheets, but I am determined that we are not going to take any shortcuts!!!

I hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas season! I know I am - and I would not be here without the support of some very key people!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
One of our favorite activities has become driving around at night looking at Christmas lights in our town. I grab a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate, we turn on the Christmas radio station, and it's very nice. :-)

hurray Yippee!! Glad to hear it!! You are a real trooper, SunnyD, and I am so proud of your progress. smile

and ummmmmmmmmmm, did you have to turn the A/C on to compensate for the blanket and hot chocolate?? rotflmao

Mel<----who had to turn the A/C back on yesterday because it is so warm! cry


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
One of our favorite activities has become driving around at night looking at Christmas lights in our town. I grab a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate, we turn on the Christmas radio station, and it's very nice. :-)

hurray Yippee!! Glad to hear it!! You are a real trooper, SunnyD, and I am so proud of your progress. smile

and ummmmmmmmmmm, did you have to turn the A/C on to compensate for the blanket and hot chocolate?? rotflmao

Mel<----who had to turn the A/C back on yesterday because it is so warm! cry


LOL - I know!!!!! We didn't go last night but some of the nights we have gone have been cooler, so riding around with windows down, I needed a blankie! Plus, it's more cozy that way! smile

You're right though - I've got the A/C on today for sure! GEEZ!!!

Thanks for the encouragement. I really couldn't ask for it to go any better than it is at the moment in terms of progress. My birthday was last Friday and I was hoping for something a little more romantic and less family-oriented. That didn't go as I'd hoped but that has really been the only disappointment. (I had told him this pre-bday too.) However, instead of sulking like I would've done in the past, I expressed my feelings to H and we had a good discussion about it.

It made me smile when I saw him heading off to work this morning, workbook in hand!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
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OH - and by the way, Mel: in that discussion I mentioned that I wanted what I saw him give to OW in terms of romance/passion - through having read those emails between them. We then talked about how A's are more exciting because they're forbidden, etc... Then, I mentioned that's why I understand, even if I don't like, the fact that withdrawal does occur. H went on and on about wanting me to feel secure - and whatever I need to do to make sure there is NC. Well, in that discussion, he remarked that there is no possible way they would contact each other, even if it is natural to wonder how each other are doing. Why??? "Too much damage and harm to both families." HMMM.....Exposure brought all that to light! NO WAY that would be the case had I not exposed!

Yes, I know he was very angry at first with me, but the proof was in that statement: because of Exposure, the light was shone to kill the fantasy that their relationship was so great. They had to face what they had done to those around them and the hurt caused.

If anyone reads this and you are wondering about - or possibly regretting - exposure. I'm a testament: my H's affair ended 2 days after I exposed. Nothing else had ended it previously.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
OH - and by the way, Mel: in that discussion I mentioned that I wanted what I saw him give to OW in terms of romance/passion - through having read those emails between them. We then talked about how A's are more exciting because they're forbidden, etc... Then, I mentioned that's why I understand, even if I don't like, the fact that withdrawal does occur

SD, you are a shining example of why and how exposure works. To your credit, you pushed through the FEAR and did it anyway. And today you reap the results.

As far as the love in your marriage, I want to tell you that if you stay on track, your H will feel the same romantic, passionate feelings for you. It wasn't the thrill of secrecy as much as it was her ability to meet certain needs and make him happy. You are in a UNIQUE position to do a much better job than she ever did. The feelings he had in his affair will some day SOON *PALE* in comparison. This is the truth and any WS in a recovered marriage here will attest to this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
OH - and by the way, Mel: in that discussion I mentioned that I wanted what I saw him give to OW in terms of romance/passion - through having read those emails between them. We then talked about how A's are more exciting because they're forbidden, etc... Then, I mentioned that's why I understand, even if I don't like, the fact that withdrawal does occur

SD, you are a shining example of why and how exposure works. To your credit, you pushed through the FEAR and did it anyway. And today you reap the results.

As far as the love in your marriage, I want to tell you that if you stay on track, your H will feel the same romantic, passionate feelings for you. It wasn't the thrill of secrecy as much as it was her ability to meet certain needs and make him happy. You are in a UNIQUE position to do a much better job than she ever did. The feelings he had in his affair will some day SOON *PALE* in comparison. This is the truth and any WS in a recovered marriage here will attest to this.

Yep: I needed some hand-holding, but thankfully I had some help there!!!! grin

Your last statement gives me a lot of hope! No one wants to feel that they are a consolation prize and I certainly don't expect to be one or to have less than an exceptional marriage, complete with passion and romance!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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Had a GREAT Christmas!!! It truly was a nice, affection-filled, happy home for H and I and our 3 incredible kids. H showed in many ways how genuinely thankful he is for our marriage and our family. We ended up getting not one, but TWO puppies for Christmas! lol SO cute and so sweet....white german shepherds. We had one years ago and I have been dying for another one. At first I wasn't sure about two! H and I discussed until we came to enthusiastic joint agreement, however. It will be good for us: we can take them to puppy training class together and they are even going to be part of our fitness routine: walking/running with them together.

The other upside to this is, I think the pups have helped H through his last bits of withdrawal perhaps. He has been much more affectionate towards me and happier in general since we got them. I know they cannot be a replacement for me meeting his needs or work on our relationship, but they do seem to have a positive effect.

I do have a question: I am still not sure what needs were being met by OW so that I can make sure to meet them. I honestly don't think H really knows either to put a finger on that. THe only thing I can come up with is that she probably made him feel younger and freer: she represented his youth and lack of responsibilities. I am unclear how to give him those feelings because I can't help that we have a household full of responsibilities! lol I do know I can do my best to share my burden so they aren't all on his shoulders alone, but I just can't say for sure what needs she met. That bothers me.

On the other hand, we are still working out the questionnaires. We've been doing them all along (at somewhat a slow pace with holidays and such) but I find we have to go back to them. In the beginning, it was too easy to not be able to find lovebusters, for instance, because we're both on our best behavior trying to make the other person feel good. Same thing on the needs side: we're both putting our best feet forward to ensure things go well. I know that's a good thing, but then - we're not identifying those unmet needs....

Well, I figure - work the program because the program works! As long as we keep on keeping on, we'll be fine.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
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Maintaining a marrige is puttting your best feet forward all the time. If your husband and your needs are being met, lb are not committed and the program is being worked then you are doing well. No need to focus on what en's the ow was meeting.

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
I do have a question: I am still not sure what needs were being met by OW so that I can make sure to meet them. I honestly don't think H really knows either to put a finger on that. THe only thing I can come up with is that she probably made him feel younger and freer: she represented his youth and lack of responsibilities. I am unclear how to give him those feelings because I can't help that we have a household full of responsibilities! lol I do know I can do my best to share my burden so they aren't all on his shoulders alone, but I just can't say for sure what needs she met. That bothers me.

SD, so glad to hear you had a nice Christmas! I would leave skanyhola out of any discussions and focus on meeting the top 4 intimate needs. Being good at meeting those needs will do more to restore the passion than anything else. Focus on: conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment and BE SURE to get in 20+ hours of UA attention. You have a huge advantage over the STD ho in that you are together in person. She did not have that advantage. But the fact that he was addicted to her with only phone and email contact tells me the hook was conversation and maybe even admiration.

I would take the time for BOTH of you to read through the emotional needs so you understand them and then take the EN questionaires. But focus most of your attention on the 4 intimate EN's and getting 20+ hours of UA. <----that will do more to restore the passion than anything...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Maintaining a marrige is puttting your best feet forward all the time. If your husband and your needs are being met, lb are not committed and the program is being worked then you are doing well. No need to focus on what en's the ow was meeting.

You're right, Sapphire. I guess I'm just still a bit insecure about H's need to go to OW in the first place. If I had a surefire list of what it was she fulfilled, then I could "make sure" those things are being covered. I suppose we all want a magic recipe but life doesn't tend to happen that way, does it?!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
THe only thing I can come up with is that she probably made him feel younger and freer: she represented his youth and lack of responsibilities. I am unclear how to give him those feelings because I can't help that we have a household full of responsibilities!

That "freedom" and "youth" is part of the fog. It's part of the descending lack of reality needed to create the environment and attraction for the A to happen.

I heard that line "I didn't have any obligation/responsibility with him" but it's utter bovine excrement. Obviously, there was enough obligation and responsibility to have sex and disrespect your marriage. There was enough obligation/responsibility to lie, and sneak, and steal.

It was, however, youthful. It was useful like drug use, or any other destructive behavior children take part in which only takes the "thrill" into consideration, and not the possible damage and injury it will cause to self or anyone close to them.

So, if feeling "young" is walking around with your head firmly lodged in your anal sphincter is a good feeling, I'd rather feel old.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
I do have a question: I am still not sure what needs were being met by OW so that I can make sure to meet them. I honestly don't think H really knows either to put a finger on that. THe only thing I can come up with is that she probably made him feel younger and freer: she represented his youth and lack of responsibilities. I am unclear how to give him those feelings because I can't help that we have a household full of responsibilities! lol I do know I can do my best to share my burden so they aren't all on his shoulders alone, but I just can't say for sure what needs she met. That bothers me.

SD, so glad to hear you had a nice Christmas! I would leave skanyhola out of any discussions and focus on meeting the top 4 intimate needs. Being good at meeting those needs will do more to restore the passion than anything else. Focus on: conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment and BE SURE to get in 20+ hours of UA attention. You have a huge advantage over the STD ho in that you are together in person. She did not have that advantage. But the fact that he was addicted to her with only phone and email contact tells me the hook was conversation and maybe even admiration.

I would take the time for BOTH of you to read through the emotional needs so you understand them and then take the EN questionaires. But focus most of your attention on the 4 intimate EN's and getting 20+ hours of UA. <----that will do more to restore the passion than anything...

Thanks, Mel!

I haven't brought up IdaHO (as I like to call her in my mind, hee hee) at all. We haven't even discussed many details of the A at all. I do have questions that pop up but quite frankly, I haven't wanted to discuss it much. H and I did talk about that. He is not unwilling to discuss the A, but he thinks it talking about it would do nothing but bring up hurt. I would press the issue more, but I don't really feel like discussing it either at this point. Having said that, I do know there is a good post I was directed to here on MB (by Jeff, I think...) about the reason it needs to be hashed out at some point, at least to some degree. I think it is mostly in "de-romanticizing" the whole affair.

Anyway, we have both been reading about the EN's and doing the workbook. We're both doing a good job at meeting those currently. Now, you did hit a good point: the 20 hours weren't there this past week - at least not just the two of us. We've had plenty of family hours in there but not 15-20 hours just us. Maybe that's part of my feeling a bit insecure at the moment! With Christmas, the focus has been on the family as a unit. We've had some alone time, of course, but part of that was even focused on the kids in the sense that we were Christmas shopping.

Thanks for the help! You always give great advice and both you and Sapphire hit it straight on!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

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D (20)
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Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
THe only thing I can come up with is that she probably made him feel younger and freer: she represented his youth and lack of responsibilities. I am unclear how to give him those feelings because I can't help that we have a household full of responsibilities!

That "freedom" and "youth" is part of the fog. It's part of the descending lack of reality needed to create the environment and attraction for the A to happen.

I heard that line "I didn't have any obligation/responsibility with him" but it's utter bovine excrement. Obviously, there was enough obligation and responsibility to have sex and disrespect your marriage. There was enough obligation/responsibility to lie, and sneak, and steal.

It was, however, youthful. It was useful like drug use, or any other destructive behavior children take part in which only takes the "thrill" into consideration, and not the possible damage and injury it will cause to self or anyone close to them.

So, if feeling "young" is walking around with your head firmly lodged in your anal sphincter is a good feeling, I'd rather feel old.

HA HA! Well put, Triple H! rotflmao Great points all around!


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Quote
Having said that, I do know there is a good post I was directed to here on MB (by Jeff, I think...) about the reason it needs to be hashed out at some point, at least to some degree.

Sunny,

That would be "Joseph's Letter"...Not Jeff.... grin

Here it is....


Quote
"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

When I saw "Jeff", I figured you might need a bit of help.... wink

Not

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
[
I haven't brought up IdaHO (as I like to call her in my mind, hee hee) at all. We haven't even discussed many details of the A at all. I do have questions that pop up but quite frankly, I haven't wanted to discuss it much. H and I did talk about that. He is not unwilling to discuss the A, but he thinks it talking about it would do nothing but bring up hurt. I would press the issue more, but I don't really feel like discussing it either at this point. Having said that, I do know there is a good post I was directed to here on MB (by Jeff, I think...) about the reason it needs to be hashed out at some point, at least to some degree. I think it is mostly in "de-romanticizing" the whole affair.
.

LOL @ IdaHO!! rotflmao

Sunny, please get this part done ASAP. The faster you get your questions answered, the sooner you can move on. You simply need your questions answered to your satisfaction, no more, no less. He should not have any secrets with ho to which you are no privy. Don't wait on this part, because this can put you back to day 1 of recovery. He has to answer all of your questions to your satisfaction. It is not negotiable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks, Not! I was going to ask you when I wasn't able to find it under "Jeff" or look back to the suggested reference! lol. I can always count on you! :-)

Mel...you're right...asap. I promise! It hasn't been a big deal to me to this point because I don't have this pressing need to know things, but I feel it is good advice to get it done. SO... just another thing I need to push myself to take care of. You know I'm a good student so I will trust my mentors and make this a priority even if it doesn't feel like it needs to be at the moment. I guess it's hard to make yourself go back to that place of pain when you're feeling good about things. However, better now than later. I know for a fact it is not good to let things go unresolved.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Update: I reworked Joseph's letter to my situation and emailed H last week about discussing the A. He still was reluctant because of it bringing up hurt and pain, but we did discuss some thing willingly. (Just to note: he has been willing to do every single thing I have asked of him through recovery, like it or not.)

SO: I got some questions answered. Others have popped up since then. I do feel I have the right to discuss whatever I need to discuss. BUT...I also read that talking about the A is actually a lovebuster, withdrawing from BOTH spouses love banks. I wonder if at some point you just have to accept that you are always going to wonder more about the A. I truly do feel I can move on from it now. Yet, I don't want to feel like I have unanswered questions. Maybe I will always have some sort of unanswered questions.

THe one thing H and I discussed is that this may be one area where it would be good to go back and talk this over with the counselor we have seen. We haven't been going to counseling every week. We've been doing the MB at home program with great success. Our MC is very supportive of this and is enthusiastic about us completing this together. Maybe in this instant she could help us unearth whatever needs unearthing and say, "That's enough now leave it alone!" LOL

Other than that, things are still going well! I am sad the holidays are over: I will miss our special nights driving around looking at Christmas lights. We are honing our 15-20 hours a week to be more appropriate to use - meeting needs - rather than just because the program says we should spend that time together. H is very happy. I am very happy. Triggers are still an issue for me but I suspect they will be for quite some time.

I was told to watch for a surge of anger to come in the coming months. I can see that as a possibility. RIght now I have moments of anger - but they don't last long.

That I can say I was overjoyed to be ringing in the new year with H and H with me is nothing short of a miracle compared to the hell that was 2010!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
Update: I reworked Joseph's letter to my situation and emailed H last week about discussing the A. He still was reluctant because of it bringing up hurt and pain, but we did discuss some thing willingly. (Just to note: he has been willing to do every single thing I have asked of him through recovery, like it or not.)

SO: I got some questions answered. Others have popped up since then. I do feel I have the right to discuss whatever I need to discuss. BUT...I also read that talking about the A is actually a lovebuster, withdrawing from BOTH spouses love banks. I wonder if at some point you just have to accept that you are always going to wonder more about the A. I truly do feel I can move on from it now. Yet, I don't want to feel like I have unanswered questions. Maybe I will always have some sort of unanswered questions.

Sunny, if you don't have all your questions answered to your satisfaction, you will stay stuck. That is why it is soooooooo sooooo important to get this done NOW so you can move on. If you don't know, you will continue to wonder. And you cannot build trust if he still has secrets with the skank to which you are not privy. It is best to get this done in one fell swoop if you can and then have a couple of follow up sessions. Get this done and then agree to not bring it up again.

But, this cannot be swept under the rug and it needs to be done NOW so you can move forward. His giving you the full truth is not negotiable. Nor is he in any position to tell you how much information you need or don't need. His discomfort is irrelevant. Only your comfort is relevant when it comes to getting the truth!

Call me if you need to discuss, friend! Happy New Year!! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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