Hi again Ms. Harmony,

I agree with the others - you ARE doing the right thing for you. Please don't let yourself be rocked and influenced by your H's short-term day-to-day reactions, and focus on the longer-term goal of protecting yourself and your love for him as well as to demonstrate what he will miss if he chooses not to reconcile with you. And, I mean sincere reconciliation, not just words.

Now, go and enjoy your Holiday as best you can.

Tom

Merry Xmas Harmony,
Hang in there girl, you are doing the right thing across the board for you and your H, things can't go like they have been, you can't be happy with the way he is, he can't have his cake and eat it too.......
Plan B forces him to re-evaluate his methods.......he must decide which life he wants and how he will approach the changes that he will have make, his decision alone, all you can do is take care of you right now........if he comes to his senses he will have to prove it to you, I think you have shown him, told him how sorry you have been for your part.........the only way it works for the two of you is an attitude change for him.........so far he hasn't shown it...........he knows what he has to do.......
Sit back, dark and see how he reacts.............
take care of yourself over the holidays........

Coming to the door is not a date right?

You don't date someone if they are not going act like an adult do you?

Don't worry, your just feeling a little desparate and dramatic. I am sure anyone who wanted to get to know someone on a date doesn't freak out and show up unannounced. He needs time to get ahold of himself too. Thats the wisdom of plan B. You are still committed to a marriage if it will be a real one, with proper respect to that. Not respect to emotions and fears that come from dramatic fantasys or desparate acts like banging down the door, hurting each other in affairs, and the like.

When he has agreed to act right and talk to SH about what he must do, he will be better suited as dating material.

You are following SH advice.

Take some time off the site if it will help you to gain clarity and stop triggers of impending doom, but use us if you need support, and definatly keep us posted.

Your gonna be alright, Have a merry Xmas

Take some time off, hang with some good friends

Advice from my therapist, he told me to be still for the holidays, 10 days, just don't think about my relationship or everything that has happened.......He said I only want you to concentrate on making the ones around you happy during the holidays...............let your mind be Still.............concentrate on your blessings ......
jessi

I think I will take that advice too Jessie, it ok to take time and live in the now huh?

Merry Xmas to you.

Going over to daughters house to spend Xmas eve. 3 yr old Grandaughter and I discussused that I didn't have a tree, so maybe I should stay over, so Santa would be able to leave me presents. Of course I think her Mommy had something to do with it also, because she asked me if I want to be thier when GD came out and saw all the princess toys Santa left.

Go spend time with your family Harmony, treasure those who love you and reciprocate, ignore those who don't, minute by minute, and know that you are loved and love allways wins. Its the only thing worth fighting for, and many here will stand by you, and are praying, for the peace that passes understanding for you.

Take this time to commune with God, and let him fill you, and bring you peace

All alone on Xmas morning, trying to straighten myself out to face the day. Trying to be strong, trying to be brave and trying not to crumble.

No phone call from my Dad, no phone call from my H, never want to be in this place again.

Aww Harm, I would have hoped you could have went to Moms at least, or your sis's.

Yeah, I can understand you feel bad, Try and be with a good friend OK?

Best wishes

I made it and never ever want to go through a Christmas like that again. I am so glad it is over.

Although no one would have knew, I put on a brave face, played with my nieces and nephews, helped in the kitchen and joined in.

I cried for about 2 hours yesterday morning, but I needed to do it. It was a good stress relief. Mostly tears for my Dad and that I wouldn't be speaking to him on Christmas Day, and a whole load of anger towards my H for not being there to support me and for rejecting me and the M.

I feel VERY rejected by my H, that is so painful, and even more painful knowing I caused it. I also have been feeling a lot of pain not only my A, but his A's aswell.

Really started to think that in the NY I may put our house on the market. We spent so much money and time on this house, but ever since we have been here it has all gone wrong, so whatever happens not sure I want to live here. Also he had 2 of the OW here in the house.

A lot of anger, I need to go for a long run to burn off some stress!

I also started to wander if I am depressed. I am going to start eating and excerising more, but might go and see the Docs in the NY.

It is so difficult to try and fight for a M after you have had an A, and you H is WH.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas.

Exercize is agreat way to reduce stress, focus, and naturally boost the feel good chemicals in ourselves. Allways a good first step in taking care of ourselves, and ussually pays off is a lot of areas.

Ill be glad to see the season over too. It has been better this year though, not so dramatic. Even more peaceful.

Remember Harm, all those things you are angry for and at, don't give in to the temptation of reacting OK? Its the natural thing to do. Breathe deep, let it go.

Thanks Constant

Its not that I am going to contact H, but it is more the PAIN. I feel like he has made his plans and is getting on and has USED me. He wantedus not to be together at Chritsmas and wanted to go away NY withouth me. Its just such a slap in the face. Its like when were were together I wanted to go snowboarding, running, scuba diving together and he was never that interested, all of a sudden he has a real passion for all these things. I guess a lot of what I am feeling right now is anger for him going away NY snowboarding when he knows I would love to do this with him and not wanting to be with me at Christmas.

I just want to LIVE and be happy, without him. Its just not happening.

I just don't get him, maybe he is right, he said to me that he things we need a few months appart on our own, maybe he is right. Then at the same time he doens't want me to move on.

Rant over, I am trying I really am.

Mum came over and spent the afternoon with me, she is the greatest!! I have always been very close to my mother.

My mother thinks my H is an abuser and all he wants is to control me and that I am strong and clear in Plan B, then I break it and I am a wreck. My mother really wants me to move on altogether.

Anyway we had a good discussion about how I move forward in the Plan B. Mum thinks I am doing really well and that I am being too hard on myself, that I broke no contact at a very vulnerable point, and that in a few days I will be on top of it again.

That it takes a little time to build a life on my own.

I said how I felt that H was doing really well and that made me feel a failure, and mum made a good point that you only know what he tells you.

Anyway, I am still very dark - a week now.

Thanks again for being here.

Harmony

(((( Harmony's Mom ))))

(((( Harmony ))))
Mom comes first

I understand, but unless he is seeing other women and treating them better than he ever treated you, made a commitment to them, and filed for divorce, he is just really living his own plan B part, and you do not know what he will in the future do for you if he gets his issues straightened out.. Time will tell, no crystal balls. It is a normal reaction to anybody who is plan B, or shall we call it,"Temporarily seperated with a plan on reconciliation"
Did he have plans to hook up with someone again? Why would he not want to be with you? Maybe he is confused also, but it didn't mean he would slide down into a pit, you just don't know where his head is at completly, and he hasn't had time alone to realize what it would be like without you. Its only been a short while.

You are supposed to let him be by himself, and not know anything about what he is doing, so you can process the past, and think about building a future, based on now.

Again its normal Harmony to want to do something, but your still too raw, as is He.
That sounds more like a control issue Harmony, and something he didn't realize was blocking him from having a great time with you. Many people do this in a state of confusion.

I wonder why also, but that is really a question he must answer, and it definatly seems to me that his IB was part of his insecurity. He still is trying to improve himself. Was golf, now added to that all the other things, well, that he probably liked, but his wife did also, so it seems even more important that he does. He might even be connecting in a roundabout way to a life he wishes he had with you.

Why he didn't spend time with you in those things we don't yet know, and he has not examined that either. I doubt it was to hurt you, but more to protect himself. We have allready determined this is something that has to do with his own insecurities that he must deal with.

I believe he is still afraid, and doesn't even know why. He is afraid to be with you now also and wishes he could make it all go away, but doesn't trust anything now, just as he doesn't trust himself.

That is why he is left with the choice, trust someone else besides who he feels he can control, or be alone, untill he gets a healthier perspective. He has MB, and couselling to lean on when he comes back to earth. You are waiting untill he does that, and its hard we know.

Can you forgive him for being so weak? I wonder if he believes that yet? Give it time.
MB is for living and being happy WITH him, and if your honest thats what you really want.

Yes your angry and hurt, and want the pain to be over, we all have to go thru that. Take it from me as not someone who thinks he has all the answers for anybody. You will have to process this emotion whether you are with him or not, and put it all in the past, reguardless if you recover or not.

It may not result in a rollercoaster of good and bad emotional highs or lows, but it will give you peace and stabilize your life. The relationship dos and don'ts along with joint honesty and forgiveness can repair your marriage, holding onto the past will just bring regret and more fear for the future.

This is the wisdom of trusting what is true and good, and to many, God and the covering of His individual love for all of us. I assure you this will pass also, and that you will find peace in doing what is right for you and WH. I believe MB has the tools, and God has a plan for you too.

Wait and see what is revealed in time, thats what we all must do as we heal.
What does it mean "he doens't want me to move on."?

Do you mean he doesn't want to Divorce so you can move onto someone else?

You know that would not be a good idea right? I mean IMO you would be setting yourself up for more drama. You don't need that or have anything to prove Harm. Another man deserves more than a rebound relationship, and you would have too much baggage I believe you would be asking him to heal.

So if WH doesn't wnat you to D, does that mean he still loves you? Even if he is a mess, at least give the plan B some time for him to realize his part in this mess, so he can get some help too.

I think you know that would be the right decision, along with for you what Plan B was designed for. To get yourself individually healthy without the "need" of anyone else in your life.

Again, time Harm, and yes, you are really trying, just hang in there.

Take a breath

Ditto

Thanks for your reply Constant.



Its just strange, because in our time appart all H seems to be doing (from what he tells me) is that he is doing activities / going places that I always asked him to do but never showed much interest. For example, I always wanted him to go running with me along the beach, he bought the trainers, then they sat in the cupboard for years and we always use to joke about the fact he never used them, this went on for about 3 years. NOW he is going out running all the time! Same for snowboarding, travelling, spending time with his family ect...All things I encouraged him to do. It seems like he is trying to send me some kind of message - look at what I'm missing!

I still believe in him, even though everyone round me are telling me he has no plans to sort things out. Sometimes I just worry that he may be a truly broken person and really does not care or love me, just 'gaslights' me so I do not move on.

I guess I just really need to know, is he just not that into me? I am losing hope here.



Ofcourse, thats all I really want, that is why I am here, that is my goal. I just worry that the whole Plan B thing, gives me false hope. I know it is for me to move on, and in Jan that is what I intend to do. I am going to get the house on the market, and get everything lined up.

Thanks for the hugs guys, your right my Mum comes first honestly, she is AMAZING, I am so very lucky to have her.

I believe that he has some problems that he cannot identify internally and won't admit he needs help on. Plan B may be the way for him to procrastiate for a while, but these relationship issues, will haunt him untill he gets help, and sorts out what kind of life he really wants.

I don't believe he wants to be with skanks or be seperate from you, but because he was stagnated, and you complained about it, he thought his head in the sand was the only place safe, so he stubbornly hung onto it. The rest is history now.

I want to challange you with something Harm. Do you think you can really love this man, and respect him, even though he has issues? Many people at times in ther lives have some major problems, and they eventually overcome them, and deserve respect for that. Its part of being human that none of us are proud of, that we make terrible judgements out of fear and poor support from others that are also very screwwed up. Granted the most simple approach is to separate from them till they get it together, and some never will or try, but those who do need support in the truth, and not complete and ultimate rejection.

I think your WH falls into this catagory and doesn't trust anyone, and has suffered a lot of rejection from his family. He used to trust you but he still had issues that he would not address, and now all his worse fears have come upon him, and he is the author of his own demise.

Much of the counselling industry has been labeled with the task of "re-parenting" people. Its a noble task and hopefully teaches patients the real life skills to live well, reguardless of how much they screwed up in the past, based on thier ability to understand they must change, or re-suffer the same consequences.

It only is effective if the patient has the revelation that they need help, accepts it, and does the work. If your WH does the work, and is willing to face that he is like anyone else, no better or worse as relates to his capacity to submit and learn, he just might end up being someone you can respect when his fog clears.

I know that is what your praying for, and with all the possibilitys in your life you wonder if it is the best choice to wait any longer, and that is your choice of course. You wont like it if you don't give him time alone to figure this out, and yourself time too.

So here is the challange Harm. Wait for some time more, with clear-cuts avenues of choices for WH to make, not just to restore the marriage, but to help him anyway. Because you care enough for him and are strong enough in yourself to love even those who act unlovely.

His behavior is not getting by unpunished, and he is not getting away with anything, he still is lost.

You just have to point the path back, and stand for what you really want, and the stability you need, without letting him back in half-way. That has been what the temptation has been for you, in your sitch also.


Have you posted the next Plan B letter? The new one? Tell me and I will go back and look at it. Just wondering if him getting therapy for his issues is part of it.


January is upon us. You have had a tough time doing a solid plan B right? Understood why too BTW, but think about what it could mean to you both if and when you have seen the ugly truth about each other, and choose to love and forgive each other anyway, sometime in the future.

Be the stable one Harm, just for awhile if not for your whole life together, and yes, you can do this.

Can you stop looking at him like he is getting everything without consequence, and see that he is really messed up and scared too, even though it seems to be only hurting you? He surely is losing not working on loving you Harm. Concentrate on that truth, instead of the lie that is telling you that you don't matter. Thats a lot of what plan B is for, for you.

ConstantProcess,
I just read your post and I have chills. You could be talking about my WH.

Harmony, if this sounds like your husband the best thing you can do is let him hit his bottom. I know it hurts BAD and you want to see him suffer the consequences. I bet he already is suffering from his actions but is lying to you and himself about it. You said you were angry because he is doing all the things you have been asking him to do with you. IMO I think he is doing them as a distraction. He has to keep moving and distract himself from... HIMSELF. The best thing you can do for yourself and him is a dark plan B. It sounds like you have a great support in your mum. If you feel like you are loosing it call her.

Take care Harmony.

Hey Harm, have you ever prayed for patience like this?

" God give me patience, and I want it right now!"

Slow down, smell the roses, and give Plan B a chance for you OK?

Its worth the wait, and why be in a hurry anyway? You have nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and nothing to fear in doing what is right reguarding this marriage.


I can't believe its all about your bio clock and children, appearances or status with you. I just don't believe it about you. There is more to you than that. I think you want more than that anyway, and are in such a hurry to have it, also.

So whats the hurry?

Just to clarify this statement in case you misunderstood. The lie is something that bred in the relationship, or was present within one of you, beforehand. The truth is that you are both preciuos and worthy of being loved. The pain you caused with the affair, and the pain he has inflicted to you was both of you trying to control the other and your takers running loose. The reactions are understood, just not healthy for anyone.

Human condition Harm, we all have to deal with it, and its a tough road. Own it, or it owns you.

Thats what all the talk about protecting the Marriage is about, it a covenant with a higher calling than just rosy relationships and 2 1/2 kids and perfection in human beings. Its learning to love from a place of imperfection also, as we are loved that way too, by God.

I mean, if it were not for God, we would still be throwing the imperfect off the cliff when they were born, and having witch hunts. Trying to be God.

Its not over till you quit, then you lose, not till then.

Don't let those negative lies about how preciuos your marraige is scare you away from what its deeper purpose.

To love somebody in sickness and in health, because you are strong enough to. God gives those priveledges to us because he knows we all need it, and the vows are for us as much as for the ones we give love, so we can grow in love also.

To forsake all others...Parents, friends, jobs and even spiritual leaders, because nobody is as important as you, and your mate belongs to you along with thier care, as they are part of you. Tell me you don't feel that to be true, and I'll ignore it.

To cherish, that is as much as you cherish life itself, and the gift of it, and whom you have embraced to share it with, not because they are perfect in your eyes only, because we don't have the capacity to see the whole picture with total objectivity. Because as God cherishs them, they are worth it. Whether we like it or not, that is the real truth.

What I am pointing to is that we all have faults, made bad choices, and suffer the consequences of them. We need to look outside ourselves for guidance when we really screw up, and hopefully up.

Dr H didn't make this site for perfect people. If he did there would be nobody here, because there would never be any problems would there? Everybody is so vastly different than another but have gone through thier own trials also. But what still stands true through all of it, is the need to be loved, and our need to understand what it is, and if I may be so Bold, where it comes from, God.

Look up Harm, and listen to the many angels here in making a plan, and stick with it in faith. In the end its all we have.

Yeah I agree completly