Now as to having him move out, I would say maybe give him a couple of days and tell him, I expect you to be out on this date. The words "I expect" are very powerful. You should use them any time you need to talk about him moving out.

Then, while he's at work that day, pack all his stuff and set it out on the porch.

He might refuse to leave even then, and if so we'll help you cross that bridge when you come to it. Most likely, by you being strong and powerful, he will go ahead and leave.

That's what I'd try first.

Also, good on ya for not hunting him down. I would recommend that to someone who was still looking for proof, but you know he's cheating. You know he's drinking. Proving it twice (or more) is usually a waste of time.

Have a great weekend, Mitzie, and take the time to care for yourself. I think I see a bubble bath in your future.

Thanks Neak.

I think he has bought her jewelery for Christmas. I think this because I got a very odd phone call, I swear the woman said she was calling from some jewelers. i didn't get the name, only catch the word "jewelers". When I kept pressing for answers, she kind of back tracked and something about engraving and this was the number given and I kept the convo going because I was trying to get info out of her.

What I think happend was my (dumb) WH went to the jewelery store and purchased a gift for OW. Could not give cell phone because she checks his phone (btw, she has told him NOT to call or contact me because she'll find out!)Anyway the woman probably thought the gift was for ME(his WIFE!) and was trying to cover.

When I dialed the number back, it rang about 100 times no answer, did reverse search, couldn't find anything.

What's up with that!?

OW kids are gone all week-end. I won't see him. She's packing them up on the 24th and they won't be back until Jan 2. Perfect time for him to stay over there until his place is ready on the 2nd!

I'm just sick of rehashing this over and over in my head. I'm off to bed.

Today I'm feelin' really well.

I think the meds must be taking some effect. Still get sad and have crying fits but not as often and not as intense(as in, "boo hoo why is this happening to me" and "boo hoo I CAN'T do this on my own" and "boo hoo everything is RUINED I HATE that B!&CH and MFer for doing this to our family")

No body likes a cry-baby who wallows in their owns self pity.

Called WH this morning before he started work. Convo was short and to point: "Are you stopping by house today?"
"Yes"
"Can you please put some one's in DS2's lunch money cup so he has lunch money for this week?"
"OK, I will"
"Thank you, bye bye" CLICK. End of convo.

One hour later the home phone rings. It is WH. He NEVER calls home.
"Hello?"
"Hey, did DS1 ever change that tire on his car?"
"No, he put air in it."
"Air in it? Why would he do that?"
"I don't know, wanna talk to him?"
"Uh, okay, is he up?"
"Don't think so, I'll get him". End of convo.

DS1 has his own phone. Why is WH still using me as an intermediary to talk to DS1? He's the one that said he hopes a divorce will make his relationship with his kids better. IDIOT!

OW's SO called me and said OW called him Btchn and Moaning about HIM telling ME stuff and that he better NOT be talking to me and telling me 'private information about her'. She called him TWO days AFTER I had mentioned the 'private' information to WH.

Yesterday when I talked to him I told him I did not want him repeating what was said between he and I to OW as WE are still H & W and what is said between a H & W is private and should be kept so. That I did not need nor ask for a third party to be involved in this relationship. And if he couldn't keep our conversations private I would have no choice but to stop talking to him all together. Also told him he belongs home with his family somewhere in that conversation.

What's going on here?

Someone, HELP, please! Any vets insight highly welcome.

Please read above.

Don't want to get lost in the posts.

THanks all.

Sorry Mitzie, I went to Bismarck yesterday, then we had a blizzard today. Excuses, excuses.

WH senses you withdrawing from him, and is making a few tentative steps in your direction to see if you will still respond.

Although I wouldn't recommend pouring your energies into a wasted Plan A, if you have further conversations like the ones above during the SHORT TIME before going to Plan B, you can be a little bubblier and chattier.

For example, when asking him to put the ones in the lunch fund and he said yes, you could have said something like, "I really appreciate when you help us out with stuff like that."

Without draining your energy banks, if an opportunity knocks on your door to painlessly meet an Admiration EN, go for it. Just hurry up and get thee to Plan B.

Thanks Neak.

Yeah, I am TRYING to be a bit nicer.

I came home from work late tonight(early morning now actually), saw WH had done his laundry. Wondered where the clothes where that I left in the dryer. WH had folded them! I didn't even know he KNEW how to fold clothes. Good Lord Almighty!!!

SO, I sent a quick text:

Thanks 4 foldn my clothes. Awfuly sweet of u! BTW, I hav a pair of undyz missin. teehee

I could always make the WH laugh.

WH at OW house. I'm sure they are both drunk and sleeping by now. Of course he will get message in morn. I hope she reads it, she'll have a fit!

Also, WH is trying to NOT pay some bills due for this month. I think OW is telling him not too.

You can very nicely expect him to pay. You might even proactively say, "Thank you so much for deciding to help out your family. We appreciate how you take care of those things."

Let him contradict you then.

Refresh my memory, did you have a new Plan B date picked out? Still Jan 2? I'm not nagging, really, and won't start nagging unless you don't have one planned, lol. I have a hard time keeping track of the details, so you'll have to help me out every now and again.

I am panning Jan2 Plan B.

I just hope "Mr. I'll drag my feet" doesn't decide not too.

In any case the hearing is Jan 6. They will set a date for him to move out and me take possession of the home until...who knows, at leat 24 months at this point. He'll have to go. At that point, I can change the locks and he can't "stop by" unannounced. Of course I am responsible for all upkeep/maintenece/mortgage/bills!

That SUCKS! But it's a GOOD kin of suck.

I think Jan 2nd really can't come fast enough. I don't know if a Plan B will save our marriage, but I really, really hopes it saves his life.

Night.

Not trying to supplement or supplant your legal counsel, but do what you can between now and then to nail down the proof of his abandonment of responsibilities to you and his children - nights away from home, bills not paid, etc, etc. As a matter of fact, if you can swing it financially, try to avoid reminding him to pay that bill you mentioned. "Buying his son a car" right now would work in his favor as regards family responsibilities.

Remember, you don't want him slowly strangled on 06 January - you want his head (you pick which one) cut off entirely by the court. Judges are by nature risk-averse - if they can find a way NOT to make a decision, you can bet OW's scrawny [censored] they'll take that way out.

Thanks NG.

Unfortunatly Jan 6 is just CS/Spousal hearing. In the state I live in, all CS/Spousal cases are handled through the Domestic Relations of the county you live in.

You are NOT seen by a judge unless there are mitigating circumstances(disabled children/spouse, eldercare,stuff like that) that cannot be handled by mediator.

That stinks, I know.

The state I live in is one of a handleful of states that uses a specific formula to calculate CS/SpousalSup based on both incomes, and INCOME ONLY.

Adaultery does not play any part in this formula.

Abandonment does not play any part in this formula.

He will be ordered to pay bills until I get the CS/Spousal.

THAT stinks,I know.

Also, in my state it is to the BW credit NOT to file for D. The benefits(financially) truly outweigh the post D if children(under 18 or still in HS)are involved.

Beleive me when I say: I am a BETRAYED spouse NOT a STUPID spouse! I've got my duckies lined up, don't you worry bout me.

I'm trusting you know that I harbored no such thoughts.

Good luck with your hearing. We'll be here if you need us.

Wow, I didn't realize your hearing was coming up so fast, too - excellent!

Piece of cake to either pack up his stuff by the appointed date, or have a trusted and powerful IM there when he comes by to get his things.

If doing this saves his life, wonderful, if it happens to save your M too, so much the better. Even in a worst case scenario where he refuses to change anything, you have stopped assisting him along his path to damnation.

Even if that's all you do, it is enough.

Don't stress it, Mitz. It was fine. If you were in a full Plan A, I would say the same thing. Even though you're not going out of your way to create Plan A moments (not that I would ever advocate someone locking their keys in the car on purpose, lol), it is fine to take advantage of the ones that come your way.

You gave him an opportunity to meet your EN for keys , and that gave you the opportunity to meet his EN for Admiration. Win/win, and him leaving an angry, whiny OW to rescue his sweet, beautiful, GRATEFUL wife was just a bonus.

WhooHoo!

Any advice on what NOT to bring up at tomorrows dinner.

I'm sure he won't stay long.

He'll have to go to skankho-bar-rats before he leaves for work.

WH told me when I asked him to come eat that he had to leave for work by 9? He doesn't start til 11 and clocks in @10:30. Sounds like he wants some CAKE(eating) for Christmas. Sad I don't beleive ANYTHING out of this aliens mouth. He used to be the one person I could count on to always tell the truth.

So, advice?

No R talk, no A talk. Light, fluffy, and chatty. As little stress as possible for you.

No need to worry about what to talk about. WH ISN'T comming to dinner.Going to a Christmas party, then off to work. WH said he
'might' drop by on his way to work.

The friend who is having the Christmas party owns a repair shop and this is his annual christmas party for vendors and friends.
Its usually all guys, so I've never gone. On the way to the grocery store this afternoon I just "happened" to decide to stop in and wish party guy 'Merry Christmas'.

Since I have lost 40lbs since last year(20 of them on the "hey, my husband ran off with the bar skank!" diet)I am looking better than I did 20 years ago. So, I walked in, high-heel boots and all,had a nice chat (only 1 mechanic was there), had a Christmas drink, and left.

I'm sure as soon as I left, party guy was on the phone with WH. I'm sure WH won't care since he's living in a fog.

I know, it's sooooo transparent what I was doing, but, hey. . .

I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to "SNAP OUTTA IT"(from Moonstruck-I love that movie).

I will give him leftovers for his lunch tonight. That'll deposit some tokes in the lovebank.I made his lunch almost everyday since beforewe were married. Memories, memories...

WH just left.

Thank goodness for MB. I knew what to expect.He called me in the bedroom and started His fog babble:

"I just couldn't see us living the way we were living 20 years from now"

"I just want you to know, it's not you. I have issues."

"Regardless of OW, in all honesty and don't take this wrong way, I was just waiting for you to go to work full time."

Regardless of fog babble or not, that last one hurt. He said he was just waiting but I was dragging it on and on. Funny thing is, when he first ILYBINILWY, I asked him if he was just waiting for me to start full time.

WH also said when he had to 'rescue'(his word)me yesterday, it was the first time he wasn't mad or upset to do it. He didn't know why, he just wasn't upset or angry.

He kept brining up the fact that I look good, and am buying new clothes(nothing fits thanks to 'infidelity diet') and doing my hair different(needed a cut and got a new style) and why didn't I do this earlier, that all he ever saw me in was sweats and a tee shirt. And that I seemed 'different somehow'.

OW must have texted him 5 or 6 times(he did respond). I said to WH in a very nice tone:"I don't text or call you when you're over there, could you please convey to her to not text while you are with your family(made sure to emphise family). She isn't your family WH, DS1 & DS2 and I are your family." He still answered her texts though.

WH did tell me it was weird staying there with OW cause of her kids. He said he didn't have a choice because I told him he had to go and he didn't have anywhere else to go.

I did try to meet WH EN for affection. He did respond back, and then some

WH kept saying, "what I say to you stays between us, right?" I told him the same exact thing not more than 10 days ago when I told him I didn't want a third party in OUR relationship.

One of my WH BIG EN's has always been sex. Had I been a willing party, he would have had that EN fulfilled(sorry dear, don't know where or who skanko-ho has been or with). Without going into detail(too racy for MB)he still gets that 'urge' with me although he kept saying he doesn't know why.

WH told me the 1st affair was an ego boost. Asked him what is this one then? He said it's different.

Thanks to MB I know he is playing with me, testing me I guess. Wants to see if things don't work out with skank-ho can he come back?

Says he signed a 9 month lease on apt and has to pay before the 2nd.

Says he's sleeping on the floor.

Says she doesn't cook him dinner(of course not, skank-ho's don't cook) and he eats whatever he can find. I come from a "foodie" family and this is apaulling to me.

I made a joke about him having more kids and he said "you don't have to worry, that ain't gonna happen." When I pressed he wouldn't give me an answer why. THAT was odd. He says no, he didn't have a vasectomy.

I packed him a nice lunch for work, thanked him for stopping by, hugged him goodbye, and off he went.

I was cool, calm and collect. Just let him talk. I didn't press(except about her getting pregnant)for answers.

Sorry this post is so long, but I really want to know what's going on. This wasn't like the 1st A. In the 1st A he wasn't planning on moving out so I could at least implement PlanA. This time around, I don't have a clue.

Any Vets out there, please, please tell me what to make of this. I know it's fog babble and shouldn't beleive anything he says, and I don't. Plus, child support hearing on the 6th. Maybe trying to get me to drop it?

My main goal is to get him to stop drinking. If he doesn't come back, then I will deal with that. I want my kids to have a sober dad, they deserve it.

Will I have a good jumping off point for PlanB? Planning on going black on the 2nd.

Thanks.

Dear Mitzie,


Starting a new thread for each and every question simply to address your need for instant gratification does not coincide with your goal of not being needy.

It is very needy.

No need for a new thread for every thought and sentence...

Point taken. Can I move this post to my thread? how? sorry...
I do like to write, it helps sort my thoughts out. I didn't used to be so needy...
I'll keep 'em on my thread from now on.

It's not easy doing translations on a WH who is also an addict. There are too many additional variables.

Basically, he is wallowing in cake. Clearly he is enjoying you meeting his EN's, while still unwilling to cut off OW even for the brief periods he is with you. (She probably knows or suspects he is with you and is going berserk trying to make sure he's behaving himself.)

My advice is not to get so wound up in what he's thinking and doing. You'll go crazy if you try to stay on the coaster with him, even for such a short time before Plan B. Just glide far above the drama.

BTW, that was very good about the texting. Absolutely you were right to request him not to text her in your presence. It's pretty standard that he went ahead and did it. Since you're going to be in Plan B right away, I wouldn't do more than walk away from him any times he texts her near you.

You're getting there.