OM doesn't see this little guy as more than a distraction to his time with WW. Sad, but true.

I like to think WW is going to see a little of this disinterest trickle through her fog. This is just a taste of what OM's relationship with the kids would be.

Thanks for the feedback guys, these forums are definitely a big help.

My WW came over last night at 10pm as she had promised to cut my hair (she is a mobile hairdresser) and we talk for a while, nothing to specific and I am certainly not pushing her. The OM seems to be doing a ok job of his own in messing things up for himself.

It will be interesting to see what the next week brings over Xmas and New Years. She is suppose to be spending Christmas Eve with him and his parents, then going on a small trip on the 26,27,28,29 and 30th but this event has put a sour taste in her mouth.

We spoke briefly about Christmas and it came up that I had bought her a gift. (now i believe in giving without the expectation to receive, i mean i still love my wife) She said that it would cause conflict between the OM and her however she was going to tell him and not lie any more. So it will be very interesting to see what happens here.

She also committed to spending a bit of time opening presents with the kids at our family home which she wasn't going to do before.

From my feelings I don't think she will recommit to the marriage straight away but if he is ever out of the picture, it will allow me to reconnect over the coming months.

So, are you waiting for him to die, or get bored and leave, or something? I get the impression that you are aren't planning to fight for your M.

I am unsure as to how to fight in this situation. She has already moved out and is more than capable of being on her own. Whenever I push her or cause chaos over the OM, she simply gets closer to him, it always backfires.

She knows how deeply i love her, how much I disapprove of her behaviour and how much my family means to me, but if I push all communication shuts down between us.

I will always fight for my wife, just need a few suggestions on how to proceeed.

I haven't read through all the thread but have you exposed the affair to the OMs family and on facebook? Also, are the kids sleeping over nights at the OMs place?

Affair has been exposed as much as possible. The OM does not have his own house and lives with parents (he is 35) The children have slept over at the parents house and I have had words to them but they don't care. Morals don't run high in the family at all.

I have decided to keep my kids as much as possible because I also don't want the OM parents to create some type of bond with my kids. They aren't just instant grand-children. The parents knowing that she is married should disapprove but don't and they know the whole story... sad but true.

Contact an attorney to see if she's allowed to take them to his house and stay the night. I know that when I was divorcing my first wife (I know you're not at divorce) but we weren't allowed for opposite sex visitors over night or stay the night at opposite sex place until everything was finalized.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just venting but as time goes on your partners affair is not something you can ring your friends about everyday but is something that stays with me everyday.

Tonight my WW came and dropped our children off to me, she stay a while and we chatted a little again. Nothing specific about us but everything from weather, movies, work, children ect. As time has gone on all the negative emotions I have, have been put to the back of my head.

I am doing plan A to the best I can, I show her support, caring ways, show my independence, always looking and acting positive ect. Plan A has given me back some self worth and is making me stronger day by day. I am her husband and a damn good one at that... and it has bought her closer to me, she is starting to confide in me, and she knows im there but disapprove of all this mess.

I am still blown away at times by WW blindness.
Tonight she was tired from working, told me all the negative things about the OM, she called him "boofhead" Then she proceeds to drive to get him. He doesn't have a car and she drives 45 minutes to pick him up. Talk about the fog.

I don't react.. just play it cool. He is starting to go South and I'm heading North. I'm going to give plan A everything I have.

WesH,

You are doing everything right at this point, just let it all play out, she must learn for herself what a loser he really is.........It won't take long........in the meantime work on yourself and enjoy your children when you have them.......
It takes a while for reality to hit, so just enjoy the Xmas season and your family and try to think of great things for the New Year approaching..............
jessi

WesH, you must be sure to yourself that you have NO EXPECTATIONS. My WW behaved much the way yours did in regards to starting to see and expressing to me the faults of OM. This was a year ago and guess what, she's still with him. I believe she's just blowing off steam because she's got no one else to do so with. You're there for her too much in regards to OM. I understand that you've told her that you are not in no way accepting the situation of her A. However, you need more than words. Any discussion about the OM, whether she's bashing him or not, should be met with "I will discuss our marriage and our family, but I will have absolutey no discussion about OM, positive or negative period. Believe me when I say this. Allowing her to discuss OM with you is pretty much condoning the situation in her wayward mind.

ITA. Don't allow her to place OM anywhere on your landscape. She is normalizing her A by making him a topic of conversation with you. It is not an LB to tell her that you do not wish to hear anything about her AP.

Thanks Guys, all points taken and will be put into place asap.

Wow, never thought it would be this hard tonight. My WW came to pick the boys up, she looked incredible and she left with the boys to spend Christmas Eve with OM and his family. 5 months into this, I just realized how hard you can fall again when she left. Christmas Eve without my family is heartbreaking.

Hello WesH,

I have to say that when I happend on your story and most recent post I just cringed. I am not a veteran here at all, nor have I gone thru nearly what you are. However, based on my gut feeling and my own long=term M just prompts me to ask why you are in Plan A? It is difficult enough to do this when the marital partners are living under the same roof and the BH is able to at least exert some degree of effort to make life hell for the AP and to kill the affair. It seems you are dealing with a very unprincipled and aggressive AP, who among other things advises your WW to conceal her and your kids' whereabouts to you! Sheesh! You certainly have the desire for a PLan a, but I don't think you have much of any opportunity because she has checked out of your maital home, and because she has the audacity to flaunt her affair to you and your kids irregardless of your feelings. Does that indicate to you that she has one whit of caring for you at this time, and that she is going to be receptive to your efforts?

You have stated that you have gone thru this for five months now. I feel that by planning on 'romancing and winning her back' over more months thru a PLan is going to risk depleting much of the remaining love and respect you have still hold for her. I don't see much of anything in your story where you have stipulated to her the conditions for you to be willing to recincile your M - i.e, ending the affair, no contact, establishing firm boundaries, and NOT exposing your kids, who are certainly old enough to realize what is going on, to her A. A good M is partly built on pleasant memories, and there are a few ocasions during the course of a year that contribute - birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays - especially Christmas. I feel you are resigned to allowing your WW to create a void in your history by allowing her and your kids to spend this Christmas with another family, not yours w/o a fight. I don't mean a kicking screaming fight, I mean in no uncertain terms impressing on her that this violates your conditions for continuing in this M - her continuing in and flaunting the A, and not protecting your kids from the emotional distress they must be feeling. And, then you get to 'babysit' your own kids a week later when she is celebrating the new year with him. Sheesh again! So, 20 years from now when your boys are reflecting on past Christmases they will fondly recall that Christmas of 2010 was spent with mom's boyfiend and his family while dad sat home alone.

I am not trying to be harsh Wes, just that your situation does make me cringe. I don't think that you are making enough use of tools available to you: 1) consulting an attorney for frim legal advice, 2) explicitly informing your WW of conditions for her to re-enter your M (because right now she is not in it), and 3) refusing to in any way finance the A unless court-ordered. In addition, since you seem to have the funding I would urge you to contact the Harley's for advice, especially regarding swithcing to Plan B at this time.

Best wishes to you Wes....

Tom

Hello again Wes,

"She said that it would cause conflict between the OM and her however she was going to tell him and not lie any more"

I am just getting ready to prepare breakfast for the family, but I have to say I am still astounded by your wife's treatment of you. Your statement above unfortunately just signals me that she is under the impression that there are no consequeces to her. Most affair partners go thru hoops to conceal an A for obvious reasons, and most with kids DO NOT wish to expose the children to the A.

I wanted to ask if you have read others' stories here - the ones who have been successful in dealing with an affair and recovering their M? There are several, but one that comes to mind is "BTintrouble" I don't think he has posted in awhile, so you would have to look back in November or October. These people found it difficult as well to become proactive, but they did it. In addition to contacting the Harleys I would strongly urge you to review others' stories to see what they did to fight an A and to protect themselves and their families.

The best...

Tom

I will read those other story's, thanks for the links.
It is extremely hard for me, I am scared for sure and never know if I'm doing the right or wrong things. I am trying my hardest to follow the section on emotional needs and avoiding love busters. She sees this not as a affair but as a new relationship and the end of a marriage. There is no commitment on her part, none whatsoever, he came into our life's and she was gone. The reason she left was she believed I was controlling (far from the truth)so for me to stipulate conditions to return to the marriage simply reinforce this to her and pushes her further away.

I don't finance her affair in any way whatsoever. She makes very good money and is completely self sufficient. She is more than happy to spend time playing happy family with our boys the OM and his family. It is devastating.

Merry Xmas to all.

Wes, there is one part of this that I am hanging on to: I don't believe OM is interested in a ready-made family. Yes, they may all be at his family's house right now, and the kids may be on good behavior. But I think OM's patience for having instant kids is going to wear thin fairly quickly. I know it's hard for you to not have them right now, and I am so sorry for that! But I want to hope that their presence around OM will help the destruction of this A.

So its just gone midnight and its Christmas here in OZ.

She is dropping the boys to me at 11am tomorrow. Whats everybody's opinion on whether to get her to come in for a while to open the presents I have bought my boys or just greet her at the door, say thanks for the boys and not let her participate.

Generally I would always do it for the boys but its not like I got to be there when she gives them their presents.

You're in Plan A, right? Invite her in. Help her with her coat. Offer her some coffee, tea, whatever. Got any cookies handy? Offer those, as well. Show her how warm and comforting her 'real' home is.

You're ahead of the rest of the world!

Merry Christmas, Wes, to you and your boys.