He is the pastor and yes the one wife concept is believed. What I want most of all is just the acknowledgement from him that there is/was an emotional affair. I believe that we can"t really rebuild without addressing this. He believes that because we had issues before this all erupted the "friendship" is not relevant. So I guess I'm just stuck right now. I need to be able to feel like we're on the same page. They give me the impression that they're both in denial about their "friendship". By the way my supscipions about her intentions have been confirmed. I'm trying to keep the faith but sometimes feel as if a seperation may be best. Tuesday will really let me know how to further proceed. This should be an interesting therapy/counselling session.

c411, if you continue with 'exposure-lite' this affair will continue, and they'll figure out crafty ways to go so far underground with it that you'll simply look foolish.

This guy is a PASTOR???? Does your church have a Church Board, and Oversight Board, anything like that? You've got to get this info to them. Do you realize that your H has placed them in a position of HUGE liability? As well as himself??

In addition, this exposure to the church is easily the best weapon you'll get to end this A. I would not delay. But remember: when you expose to your local-level Board, you need to go to your 'main church office/mother church" and expose there as well. I'm sorry, I don't know your faith so I can't tell you a specific office. The main office. Synod, someone help me with this one, please.

c411, since this is a pastor, you have a higher obligation to go to his head pastor or to the board. A pastor who has affairs with his flock is unfit to be a pastor. He is a fox in the henhouse. He is abusing his position of authority to exploit female parisioners and will not stop unless you help him.

Secondly, either the OW or him has to leave that church or the affair will continue.

You have a short window of opportunity here to kill this affair and I hope you take it. To do nothing ensures the affair will become more and more entrenched. Sitting in a counseling office is waste of time.

We are baptist and there's really not any type of accountability when it comes to this stuff. She is not a member of the church so he's not the fox in the henhouse. These 2 work for the same employer. I am spent with this whole drama and have decided that seperation at this point will be best. You can't make an adult do the right thing so I must do what's best for my mental and physical health. There are so many layers to all of this and I'm exhausted trying to do this on my own. Thanks for all the tips and advice I now must take the time to heal and restore my dignity.

How do I survive during the holiday season? I really want to just be alone but we're both off from work until Jan. 4th. I have so many mixed or just emotions in general going on. I did buy gifts to give but feel like I'm the only one making an effort. The therapist did say that I have to at least acknowledge his efforts. What if I don't feel like there are any? I guess I want some sort of sign besides mere words that he wants to be here. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Merry Christmas to everyone!

So are you still living together in the same house? No separation?

And she is not a member of the church but works there? What is her job?

Does he say he wants to be there with you & the kids? He thinks he's trying and you can't see it? Ask him in ways does he feel he's trying, showing you he cares? Have you let him know what YOU need?

c411, in most Baptist churches there is a church board that can hold him accountable. Since he is a pastor, the board needs to know he is unfit for leadership. Can you speak to the church deacons? A pastor who is fallen IS a fox in the henhouse and other church members need to know it too.

Another thing you can do is expose to the affair to his employer, his family, her family and your close friends. There is much you can do to kill this affair. That is the best thing you can do for your healing: kill the affair by exposing it wide and far!

What efforts? That might be good if you see some efforts, but more importantly you should be exposing this affair wide and far. Everyone should know. Your children, everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting it out there will ruin the fantasy.

The Baptist churches that I am familiar with would run him out of the pulpit. However, I also know that there can be a good ol' boy hierarchy, so you'll want to tell as many people in authority as you can, not just the head pastor.

@nerlycrzy- They both work at the same place of employment. She has shown up at a couple church functions. Yes we still live in the same house.
As far as exposing I have done damage and can't afford to stay in that frame of mind. It's not worth putting my physical health in jeopardy. What I did lesrn from the therapy session is that he has many issues going on. Per the therapist before even trying to address our marriage she has to desl with him first. I still speak my mind about how I'm feeling and how he's made me feel. I sm cordial which for me is quite the feat. I have to go away to see about our oldest child and totally looking forward to this.

c411, what does this mean exactly? Unless the issue is alcoholism or addiction or insanity, there is nothing to deal with and this is just a distraction. Most therapists don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage, much less understand the dynamics of adultery.

Exposure is the most effective tool in breaking up an affair, c411. Many of us here have saved our marriages doing this. It is only damaging to the affair, not to you or your marriage.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here.


I want to share a few things about myself that I hope may help you in your battle.

First, I'm a Born Again Christian. When this occured in my life I willingly agreed to wear a brightly lit target on my entire body that the enemy would easily see.

Second, I'm a former cheating spouse.

My adultery was a choice I made. Though tempted, I willingly chose the path that led to my own destruction. My wife didn't get to vote! She became the victim of my adultery.

When my affair was discovered by my wife, she hesitated exposing the affair, knowing how nasty I might be as a result. She was allowing her fear to rule.

When she finally did expose, I was furious! I lashed out in any way I could to make her look bad..... BUT...

MY sin was no longer in the dark....
MY sin was no longer being hidden from those that could minister to her and our children....
MY sin was no longer a dirty little secret....
MY sin no longer available for satan to freely run with....

The Lords people could now openly & specifically pray for me....

Exposure will make a wayward angry, but without exposure a wayward remains in the free reigning grasp of darkness.

Shed a bit of light on sin and it runs for a place to hide.


Now for the most important point I'd like to share about myself...

I've been to many counselors through the years.... They were great in allowing me to remain self centered, selfish, and a poor victim of all my past.... Just the excuses I needed to remain a wayward. I was encouraged to be a prodigal son by all these therapists and counselors...

The only hope I had was the prayers of God's people!

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy... He thrives on darkness and retreats from the light.

I will pray for you and yours. I will pray that a little light exposes it's way into your world.

It took months before the scales fell from mine own eyes...
It's been over three years now and we are recovering our marriage one day at a time...

God Bless

Whhoo, boy. They work together? And you're leaving him here alone with her to go see your oldest child??

c411, I'm convinced that most therapists are in that job because they flunked out of whatever they really wanted to do. You are obviously not working with a pro-MB therapist. Can you call Dr. Harley? Therapists who encourage their clients to gaze into the fuzzy past and work on childhood issues are wasting time when the real problem is the affair.

Actually the therapist's approach is that he will stop blaming others for choices he's made and take responsibility for them. What I've learned is that I can't live wondering if they are talking. I went to see about our first grandchild who was born with congenital heart disease. My physical health is a priority- I have lupus and had brain surgery 2 years ago. Thankfully the lupus has been dormant since diagnosis. I wish this hadn't happen but it did so I deal with it. All I can do is take one day at a time.