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Joined: Dec 2010
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I am on this site today in hopes someone out there can provide a little inspiration and hope to me. Almost 10 years ago, I married a man (Feb 2001) who was my everything. He was my college sweetheart, my soulmate, my life. Well, I made the horrible mistake of cheating on him with a co-worker and it destroyed our marraige. To this day, I feel absolutely horrible about it because I miss my ex husband, not just as a husband, but as a person too. He re-married back in 2006 and wants NOTHING to do with me now. His present wife sent me a harsh email 4 years ago telling me not to contact them. I had tried emailing my ex just to say hi and to let him know his favorite kitty cat had passed away. Anyway, I have too remarried since because I was so depressed I contemplated suicide and I did not want to go that route because I thought life is precious and it is up to me to make the best out of it and start anew. The problem I have though, is that even though I have gotten remarried and even have a daughter with my new husband, I cannot forget my ex or the memories we had. I miss him!! I ju st want to say hello and give him my best wishes but he won't let me. Has anybody out there experience such a thing? I realize I made the mistake in my first marraige my cheating even though my husband was neglectful and not around much. But, I know cheating is cheating and never acceptable.

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No- Cheating is never acceptable. There are other options.

What is wrong with working on your current marriage? You're in the right place here at MB.

Just ask and those here can help guide you through or at very least read the books by Dr Harley.

I stumbled upon this site and have found it to be invaluable!

Please leave your ex-husband alone - go get some counseling and help for yourself. You can enjoy that rich marriage you once had with your ex - in you new marriage.


Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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Leave your xH alone. He has moved on and made a life for himself. His wife has every right to have a problem with you contacting her husband.

Why are you not spending this energy on YOUR husband and YOUR marriage?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 12/25/10 11:15 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I'll make it unanimous: Move on -- your ex has certainly done so. You can do nothing but bring pain and hurt to wounds that have mostly healed.

If and when you read the principles espoused by Dr. Harley (you can start by clicking the links to the right in the red box and by clicking the "articles" tab at the top of the page) you will learn that a policy of "no contact" is often advised following an affair, either by a recovering couple and the other person (OP), or between the Betrayed Spouse (BS) and the Wayward Spouse (WS). In this case, you are the WS and your BS has every right to want no further contact with you.

Do yourself and your ex a favor: Do NOT attempt any contact. I am not a betting man, but in this case I would bet my house that no good will come of it if you do.

I do not mean the following to be ironic. I mean it truly and honestly, and hope you take it as such: Have a Merry Christmas - with your husband, not your ex.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Sadbear,

As you think thru things I know you'll have to agree with the others that contacting your ex can only complicate both of your lives. That was a different part of your life and nothing you can do can change what has happened.

If you were satisfied in your current marriage I doubt your ex would be part of your thoughts, I think the fact that he is is an indication that you are less connected with your husband than you could be. I know you don't want another failure so before it gets damaged make it stronger. Great advice on how to do that is on this web site.

If another circumstance of importance comes up and you feel the need to pass information to your ex I would have your husband convey that information to your ex's current wife. That way both spouses can help protect everyone involved. By important I would mean something like the death of a parent or friend.

This is a loss in your life and it can't be fixed, like a death it's loss should be grieved put into prospective learn from it and move on.


Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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I see. Well, I think it is just plain sad that my ex chooses to have nothing to do with me because I know many people are still in contact with their ex husbands and wives all the time in our society. Why does my ex get to go shooting pool with the ex husband of his new wife? Is it because she and her ex had kids together that makes some kind of difference in their viewpoints? A person can't just forget his or her past and move on just like that. After all, your past is part of who you are and to throw it under the rug is not being true to yourself. I have communicated all of this to my present husband. He feels sorry for me actually. He feels horrible that I even had to go through all this. He believes that I made a bad choice to cheat years ago which is so true, yet because of his religious beliefs, he believes exes should forgive each other and be able to be cordial in the future. That does not mean best friends or buddies. Yes, in a lot of ways, the loss of my ex is like a death but far worse than death because when I lost my other loved ones to death, they go away for good. Now, I see my ex all over the internet and there is no healing for me unless I just turn off the computer altogether. He was friends with many of my friends so it is hard to just avoid him completely.

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So, based on the priciples of this site, I should never ever contact my ex again and die knowing I will never see him or his family ever? How horrible and sad. I guess cheaters should just be stoned to death then. Jeez, what if we had kids together?

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I have received counseling by the way numerous times form professionals as well as clergy from my church. I even travelled and seeked advice from famous psychics. Nothing has made me forgot my ex completely. He was such a huge part of my life.

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Also, why do some exes get back together in this world? I knew a divorced woman and her ex came back to her after 35 years? Why is that?

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I think some exes get back together because they both mature and realize that they could have worked things out if they had tried. Or, a family situation that hur the relationship has dissappeared. There are a lot of reasons.

I still communicate with my ex because we had children together. I would prefer not to see here since she lied and cheated on me for years while telling me that she loved me. But, for the good of my children, I see, I am civil to her, and I have tried to bury the past. At times I still get angry at her, such as on Christmas when my child gets teary eyed because the family can't be together.

I even tolerate the OM whom she married. Though not very well. I am very stiff and formal with him, civil, but in an icy sort of way. Sorry, but I share no children with him, and he lied to me on several times then had the gall to tell me that god wanted them together so breaking his marriage vows, breaking the commandments was OK.

My point is that we ALL suffer and go through this. And we ALL have to move on. While it may sound a bit trite LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE. And the best cure for a broken heart.

Last edited by Erwin_flagstone; 12/26/10 12:46 PM.
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Erwin, that is actually pretty sound advice. Living well is the best revenge. I can't say I am not living well. My new husband is an excellent provider, father, etc. I should be blessed and not long for the past so much.

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Oh, just to add. I did NOT marry the OM that was in my life when I cheated. There is no way I could do that.

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
. He re-married back in 2006 and wants NOTHING to do with me now. His present wife sent me a harsh email 4 years ago telling me not to contact them. I had tried emailing my ex just to say hi and to let him know his favorite kitty cat had passed away.


Good grief, can't you take a hint? Leave the man and his wife alone! crazy You put the man through hell and abused him in the worst possible way and now you want to interfere with his marriage? Haven't you caused enough grief in this man's life? You need to accept that when you lie to and cheat on someone they don't want to be your "friend," anymore. You proved to him that you are not a "friend" and you are proving it again today by stalking him and his wife when they have asked you to BUZZ OFF! Why won't you take a hint and buzz off?

Quit stalking another woman's husband! You sound like a kooky bunny boiler.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Also, why do some exes get back together in this world? I knew a divorced woman and her ex came back to her after 35 years? Why is that?


You are a threat to your XH and his wife. This attitude demonstrates that you are poison to their marriage and should be kept away. You should change your name to badnewsbear....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Also, why do some exes get back together in this world? I knew a divorced woman and her ex came back to her after 35 years? Why is that?

The only way that could happen for you is if your ex's new marriage breaks up. If you are wanting him to get back with you, you are hoping for his marriage to end, and for his wife and kids to be heartbroken. You are wishing the same heartbreak on your husband.

Shame on you.


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Excuse me! I have not contacted him since 2007 and that was due to a credit card issue. I said I wish I could contact him to make peace only, not to interfere with his marraige. Of course, I realize I lost him. I am not going to interfere with his new wife. Oh, and no, they do not have kids together. I am not wishing that the marraige breaks up either. Of course, I want him to be happy. My present husband was also previously married. And yes, he does from time to time contact his ex wife just to say hello because he was very close to her friends and family. I am secure about it though. It is all about knowing your boundaries. I am glad I received the comments from everyone though. Now I understand that most people just cannot contact their ex because of the old scars etc. I will just let it go and continue to work on my marraige.

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Oh, and to add one more thing. After he divorced me, he was my friend for two years. We talked often on the phone and he would come see me at work occasionally. So, it is the new marraige that changed his attitude. I think one has to prepare him or herself for this change. They may be friendly to you after a divorce, but a new marraige does change everything.

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
So, it is the new marraige that changed his attitude. I think one has to prepare him or herself for this change. They may be friendly to you after a divorce, but a new marraige does change everything.


As it should. Exes should be persona non grata! They are poison to marriages. Apparently, your XH realizes this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Harsh words Melody Lane. Are kids from exes considered poison too in your book? Hardly so!

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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Harsh words Melody Lane. Are kids from exes considered poison too in your book? Hardly so!


Are you a kid?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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