I am on this site today in hopes someone out there can provide a little inspiration and hope to me. Almost 10 years ago, I married a man (Feb 2001) who was my everything. He was my college sweetheart, my soulmate, my life. Well, I made the horrible mistake of cheating on him with a co-worker and it destroyed our marraige. To this day, I feel absolutely horrible about it because I miss my ex husband, not just as a husband, but as a person too. He re-married back in 2006 and wants NOTHING to do with me now. His present wife sent me a harsh email 4 years ago telling me not to contact them. I had tried emailing my ex just to say hi and to let him know his favorite kitty cat had passed away. Anyway, I have too remarried since because I was so depressed I contemplated suicide and I did not want to go that route because I thought life is precious and it is up to me to make the best out of it and start anew. The problem I have though, is that even though I have gotten remarried and even have a daughter with my new husband, I cannot forget my ex or the memories we had. I miss him!! I ju st want to say hello and give him my best wishes but he won't let me. Has anybody out there experience such a thing? I realize I made the mistake in my first marraige my cheating even though my husband was neglectful and not around much. But, I know cheating is cheating and never acceptable.

No- Cheating is never acceptable. There are other options.

What is wrong with working on your current marriage? You're in the right place here at MB.

Just ask and those here can help guide you through or at very least read the books by Dr Harley.

I stumbled upon this site and have found it to be invaluable!

Please leave your ex-husband alone - go get some counseling and help for yourself. You can enjoy that rich marriage you once had with your ex - in you new marriage.

Leave your xH alone. He has moved on and made a life for himself. His wife has every right to have a problem with you contacting her husband.

Why are you not spending this energy on YOUR husband and YOUR marriage?

I'll make it unanimous: Move on -- your ex has certainly done so. You can do nothing but bring pain and hurt to wounds that have mostly healed.

If and when you read the principles espoused by Dr. Harley (you can start by clicking the links to the right in the red box and by clicking the "articles" tab at the top of the page) you will learn that a policy of "no contact" is often advised following an affair, either by a recovering couple and the other person (OP), or between the Betrayed Spouse (BS) and the Wayward Spouse (WS). In this case, you are the WS and your BS has every right to want no further contact with you.

Do yourself and your ex a favor: Do NOT attempt any contact. I am not a betting man, but in this case I would bet my house that no good will come of it if you do.

I do not mean the following to be ironic. I mean it truly and honestly, and hope you take it as such: Have a Merry Christmas - with your husband, not your ex.

Sadbear,

As you think thru things I know you'll have to agree with the others that contacting your ex can only complicate both of your lives. That was a different part of your life and nothing you can do can change what has happened.

If you were satisfied in your current marriage I doubt your ex would be part of your thoughts, I think the fact that he is is an indication that you are less connected with your husband than you could be. I know you don't want another failure so before it gets damaged make it stronger. Great advice on how to do that is on this web site.

If another circumstance of importance comes up and you feel the need to pass information to your ex I would have your husband convey that information to your ex's current wife. That way both spouses can help protect everyone involved. By important I would mean something like the death of a parent or friend.

This is a loss in your life and it can't be fixed, like a death it's loss should be grieved put into prospective learn from it and move on.

I see. Well, I think it is just plain sad that my ex chooses to have nothing to do with me because I know many people are still in contact with their ex husbands and wives all the time in our society. Why does my ex get to go shooting pool with the ex husband of his new wife? Is it because she and her ex had kids together that makes some kind of difference in their viewpoints? A person can't just forget his or her past and move on just like that. After all, your past is part of who you are and to throw it under the rug is not being true to yourself. I have communicated all of this to my present husband. He feels sorry for me actually. He feels horrible that I even had to go through all this. He believes that I made a bad choice to cheat years ago which is so true, yet because of his religious beliefs, he believes exes should forgive each other and be able to be cordial in the future. That does not mean best friends or buddies. Yes, in a lot of ways, the loss of my ex is like a death but far worse than death because when I lost my other loved ones to death, they go away for good. Now, I see my ex all over the internet and there is no healing for me unless I just turn off the computer altogether. He was friends with many of my friends so it is hard to just avoid him completely.

So, based on the priciples of this site, I should never ever contact my ex again and die knowing I will never see him or his family ever? How horrible and sad. I guess cheaters should just be stoned to death then. Jeez, what if we had kids together?

I have received counseling by the way numerous times form professionals as well as clergy from my church. I even travelled and seeked advice from famous psychics. Nothing has made me forgot my ex completely. He was such a huge part of my life.

Also, why do some exes get back together in this world? I knew a divorced woman and her ex came back to her after 35 years? Why is that?

I think some exes get back together because they both mature and realize that they could have worked things out if they had tried. Or, a family situation that hur the relationship has dissappeared. There are a lot of reasons.

I still communicate with my ex because we had children together. I would prefer not to see here since she lied and cheated on me for years while telling me that she loved me. But, for the good of my children, I see, I am civil to her, and I have tried to bury the past. At times I still get angry at her, such as on Christmas when my child gets teary eyed because the family can't be together.

I even tolerate the OM whom she married. Though not very well. I am very stiff and formal with him, civil, but in an icy sort of way. Sorry, but I share no children with him, and he lied to me on several times then had the gall to tell me that god wanted them together so breaking his marriage vows, breaking the commandments was OK.

My point is that we ALL suffer and go through this. And we ALL have to move on. While it may sound a bit trite LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE. And the best cure for a broken heart.

Erwin, that is actually pretty sound advice. Living well is the best revenge. I can't say I am not living well. My new husband is an excellent provider, father, etc. I should be blessed and not long for the past so much.

Oh, just to add. I did NOT marry the OM that was in my life when I cheated. There is no way I could do that.

Good grief, can't you take a hint? Leave the man and his wife alone! You put the man through hell and abused him in the worst possible way and now you want to interfere with his marriage? Haven't you caused enough grief in this man's life? You need to accept that when you lie to and cheat on someone they don't want to be your "friend," anymore. You proved to him that you are not a "friend" and you are proving it again today by stalking him and his wife when they have asked you to BUZZ OFF! Why won't you take a hint and buzz off?

Quit stalking another woman's husband! You sound like a kooky bunny boiler.

You are a threat to your XH and his wife. This attitude demonstrates that you are poison to their marriage and should be kept away. You should change your name to badnewsbear....

The only way that could happen for you is if your ex's new marriage breaks up. If you are wanting him to get back with you, you are hoping for his marriage to end, and for his wife and kids to be heartbroken. You are wishing the same heartbreak on your husband.

Shame on you.

Excuse me! I have not contacted him since 2007 and that was due to a credit card issue. I said I wish I could contact him to make peace only, not to interfere with his marraige. Of course, I realize I lost him. I am not going to interfere with his new wife. Oh, and no, they do not have kids together. I am not wishing that the marraige breaks up either. Of course, I want him to be happy. My present husband was also previously married. And yes, he does from time to time contact his ex wife just to say hello because he was very close to her friends and family. I am secure about it though. It is all about knowing your boundaries. I am glad I received the comments from everyone though. Now I understand that most people just cannot contact their ex because of the old scars etc. I will just let it go and continue to work on my marraige.

Oh, and to add one more thing. After he divorced me, he was my friend for two years. We talked often on the phone and he would come see me at work occasionally. So, it is the new marraige that changed his attitude. I think one has to prepare him or herself for this change. They may be friendly to you after a divorce, but a new marraige does change everything.

As it should. Exes should be persona non grata! They are poison to marriages. Apparently, your XH realizes this.

Harsh words Melody Lane. Are kids from exes considered poison too in your book? Hardly so!

Are you a kid?

MelodyLane certainly doesn't need me to speak up for her. However, you should know that she is probably the number one proponent of marriage and marriage building on this site. She has helped me and countless others recover from infidelity. She is well-versed in Dr. Harley's concepts and principles, as you should become. Especially if you want to stay on this site and regain your own health and strengthen your marriage.

No, I was just making a point.

Yes, I certainly do want to stregthen my present marraige and I intend to continue working on it.

Then focus on the future and leave the past in the past.

Sadbear
You sound like a whiny little kid who can't be happy with anything. The problem is, no one can make you happy, only you can.

I feel very sorry for your current H, cause if he saw what you posted I am sure he would be hurt

For the record, I want nothing to do with cheaters (and this includes my ex wife). I am not sure they should be stoned, but I am sure they should be held more accountable for their selfish actions when dissolving the marriage because of it. There is no excuse for cheating. I mean, how hard is it to keep your pants on and your hands to yourself. It sickens me

My response to you about not contacting him again is based on this:

And this:

They have made it clear to you that they want no contact with you. The fact that you have no children together is a good thing and is one less reason to have any need to be in contact with them.

Respect their desire to have no contact with you.

Yes, a new marriage does change things. Your ex and his W have clearly demonstrated firm boundaries in their marriage. Respect that.

But you're just muddying the waters by presenting a scenario that is not your reality. Children bring a different dynamic into the situation. You do not have children with this man, so that is a non-issue for you.

Unless you are a kid, you have no point.

Grindfool,

Yes, I agree that cheating is NEVER acceptable. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot now. While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it. In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later. I am not justifying what I did either. There were other options. I am sorry your wife cheated on you.

You need to take this knowledge into your current marriage. You know that cheating is wrong and solves nothing. That's a good thing to remember while you're making your marriage the best it can be.

Take that knowledge and leave your ex and his wife alone.

bear - You are living a total fantasy about what Divorce is really about. You cheated on your ex-husband and put him through hell, and I suspect you want to be "friends" with him so you don't have to feel so bad about destroying his life.

(If he'll be your "friend", then you must not have hurt him too much and it wasn't really so bad, right?)

This isn't about wanting your ex back. This is about you somehow easing your conscience and convincing yourself that what you did wasn't so bad and LOTS of people cheat and get divorced and are still able to be "friends" with their exes because cheating and divorce aren't really such a big deal and what is everybody's problem?

Stop making this about you. It's not. You made the choice to betray your ex and now you are getting the consequences full force. This is why cheating is considered "bad" and "wrong" - because it destroys marriages and destroys relationships.

Permanently.

Grow up, take responsibility for YOUR choices and for god's sake leave your ex and his family alone. This popular idea of being "friends" with someone who destroyed your marriage and family is a very misguided and destructive one. It is massively confusing for the kids involved, especially, and gives them a very warped impression of what a family really is and makes it look like a part-time commitment should be enough.

It's not.

Leave them alone, learn from what you have done and take your consequences like an adult. Stop hoping that somehow your ex and his new wife will ease your conscience and make you feel less guilty. They can't and they won't. Only you can do that, and you can only do that by doing the responsible thing - which is to Leave Them Alone.

Here is an MB thread for you that might explain it a little further:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

There is only one factor that "causes" people to cheat: A very selfish decision on their part.

If someone is not happy in their marriage, they have three options:

1)Live with it.
2)Fix it.
3)Divorce it.

Option 4, "Keep it for what it's worth but have something on the side to make up the difference and sit on the fence and be both married and single," is not a valid option and never was. It will, however, lead directly to situations like the one you are in now. That's why we discourage it.

Yes, deciding to cheat or have someone on the side is very selfish like a lot of selfish and ungodly things we do in our society. The truth is I did try to fix it several times. What I should have done is just seperate from my husband at the time and not see anyone else until we made a decision on what to do.

You didn't try too hard if you cheated. That is like saying you tried to fix the car by pouring gasoline on it and lighting a match. You cheated because of your own poor boundaries and for no other reason. I am sure you weren't the wife of the year either and he didn't cheat, did he? You were BOTH responsible for the poor state of the marriage, but you ALONE are responsible for your cheating.

Of course. You know that now. Sadly, that will not erase time and the poor decisions you made in the past. You need to go forward with that knowledge and make your marriage a great one. And leave your ex and his wife alone.

Oh, yeah. I said that already.

I would add that your current H is not safe either since you didn't learn from your past mistakes. You are a walking affair waiting to happen and he should know that.

That is evidenced by your lack of accountability for your affair and utter lack of BOUNDARIES with your XH. Here you are trying to resume contact with an x-lover. THAT IS HOW AFFAIRS START. Your H should be on alert and understand that you are very dangerous.

Your boundaries are very shaky.

That is not true. I learned from my past and I would never ever have an affair again, even if my husband beat me. I very much understand boundaries now. I am not going to contact my ex because I now realize no good will come of it and it is against the wishes of my ex and his new wife so I will respect that. My current husband and I will be just fine. He values me very much and I also value him. We are secure with each other and that is what counts.

Apparently you do not. Here is what you wrote just 2 days ago:


You are still engaging in risky, marriage wrecking behavior by chasing after your EX.


Your feelings of "security" are an illusion if they are not based on sane boundaries. And on 12-25-10 you had very poor boundaries. Have you changed your ways in 2 days?

I suspect you have NO boundaries regarding your current M. Have you told your DH about your obsession with your ex? I would suspect that he would not feel too secure about his M if he knew his wife was pining for her ex and continued to do so for years after being run off by the man and his wife.

Maybe I have changed in the past two days. This site has given me a new perspective. I will not even consider contacting my ex. Yes, I have discussed this with my husband. He knows I am on here too. I am glad I can talk to him about it.

Put yourself in your husbands shoes - how do you think you're making him feel?

I know if it were me - I would be feeling like oh gee - I'm second best - I'm second in your mind. What - you don't want me anymore???

It's ok to have thoughts like this - to wonder what if, what might have been, but it's damaging to those that we love and love us to verbalize them.

I wish you well sadbear1 - I hope you and your husband have a happy 2011!

good deal!!

You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?

No, no, listen TheRoad, my ex was not bad. Yes, he did some bad things, but he himself was not bad. I was not bad either, but I did a bad thing. I don't want him back because he is re-married and so am I. We are both re-married and have moved on. I just think about him from time to time is all.

I want to thank everyone for their support. I hope to be of help to anyone else suffering from divorce or anyone thinking of having an affair.

You want to quote that post, Road? Because I didn't see it. Maybe my eyes are failing me...where did she say he was such a bad husband? Quote, please.

Sad, I've read the whole thread and you just gotta let this guy go. You have made a family with your husband now and something might be up with your current marriage or you, but you need to fix your IN YOUR FACE life NOW and not be thinking of an X. Why would you think of him, anyway? Why does he matter? You shouldn't be considering who he was or is now. You should be looking at your husband, who you say is understanding and kind enough to you to listen to you talk about wanting to talk to your X (I would be having an absolute $___fit if my spouse ever told me they wanted to "be friends" with their X). Don't neglect the gift horse that you have, quit looking back. It's never going to happen again and who gives a $___ about what he's doing now? He is not your spouse! Your husband is, the father of your child. You're lucky! Quit picking at the scab of a very very old wound! It's a scar now, just let it heal and move on!

Originally Posted by maritalbliss

Originally Posted by TheRoad

You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?

You want to quote that post, Road? Because I didn't see it. Maybe my eyes are failing me...where did she say he was such a bad husband? Quote, please.

Sadbear1 Posted 12/27/10 @ 10:17 AM ~

"Grindfool,

Yes, I agree that cheating is NEVER acceptable. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot now. While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it. In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later. I am not justifying what I did either. There were other options. I am sorry your wife cheated on you."

SB,

Even if your ex and his wife drop the wall and allow contact, I hope you realize that it's not in your best interest to pursue that contact. I understand the desire to think about what might have been, to get a chance to correct your mistakes, but it doesn't work that way. It's done...and the only forgiveness you are really missing at this point is forgiving yourself.

My situation is slightly different as there was no infidelity and I have to have contact with my ex because of our children, but I still maintain a very strong wall between us. We are not friends, and I don't look for her for emotional support in any way. I watch myself to make sure I provide as little support to her as little. It has nothing to do with what kinda person I think she is or anything, but because if care for her now, if I care for my own future, this is what I must do. Perhaps some day in the future that may change, but that future doesn't look anything like today, and any fantasy I may let myself indulge in will only hurt myself, her, and those we are about today. It's just a stupid illusion, a shortcut to no where.

And those that do manage to be friends with thier ex...I think they tend to view thier marriage more as being anulled then getting a divorce.

"What about future relationships? How can you ever trust anyone again? Before you marry anyone else, try to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), meet each other's most important emotional needs, and follow my Policy of Radical Honesty. If you and your future spouse are comfortable living together under those conditions, you have nothing to fear in marriage. You will also be convinced that your first marriage would have been affair-free if you had done the same in that marriage.

No one will marry you unless you meet at least some of her emotional needs. But after you marry, if you don't meet her needs, she or anyone else you would marry, will be vulnerable to an affair.

I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love." Dr. Harley

ragamuffin, thanks for posting that!! Do you have the link? I looked and looked and could not find it.

Found it! here

I really wish people would get over adding to this thread. This will absolutely be the last time I post here, but I'm going to put this post nonetheless.

We posters here on MB tend to be a group of overanalyzers. We hash, rehash, re-rehash, and then give it a look up and down and then back again. It's what most of us are here doing. We're trying to look at our lives, see where we went wrong, and then improve on them. What sadbear is doing is, 1) giving herself a name which says she has a reason to be sad about a marriage long over, which she doesn't. 2) she's trying to justify a reason to contact this guy.

Color me nutty, but you have a kid and a husband NOW. You are stepping back into an unreality that you have clearly been told you are not in any way, shape, or form invited into. You have been told you need to go away. You are focusing attention on this LONG PAST and VERY SHORT relationship with someone who wants nothing to do with you, but you have someone in your life and someone who is putting up with your antics and you talking about it! You've established a life with this person, but you're still looking back and romanticizing a relationship that failed and looking up a marriage/divorce counciling type website to talk about an XH that you're hurt wants to no longer have contact with you?

Sorry, but this has BS flags all over it. You have a marriage to someone decent, get WAY over what is long gone and take ANY energy you have and put it into THE FATHER OF YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER who seems to give a rat's [censored] about you. If you don't want to be hitting the courthouse again soon for a divorce, put your efforts into a husband who is there listening to your irrational antics about some XH who has already given you the boot. Unless you realllllly like rejection, you might want to look at what sounds like a very very compassionate man and give him a big resounding kiss of thanks for allowing you this insensitive and extremely indulgent thought you've had. It's bothering you so much you're on a website for it. Knock it off. You said vows to and made a family with another man. Appreciate what you have and cultivate it and make it grow. If you neglect what you have, it will become infested with weeds, trust me. My garden was choked and all I have is what I can try to beg from my STBX. Thank goodness he's compassionate enough to be kind to me.

So now you got your quote.

So what?

Bump for maritalbliss

Oh, I neglected to thank you (and the poster before you) for bringing that quote up for me - I did miss it. Thanks, Road!