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Maybe I have changed in the past two days. This site has given me a new perspective. I will not even consider contacting my ex. Yes, I have discussed this with my husband. He knows I am on here too. I am glad I can talk to him about it.

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Put yourself in your husbands shoes - how do you think you're making him feel?

I know if it were me - I would be feeling like oh gee - I'm second best - I'm second in your mind. What - you don't want me anymore???

It's ok to have thoughts like this - to wonder what if, what might have been, but it's damaging to those that we love and love us to verbalize them.

I wish you well sadbear1 - I hope you and your husband have a happy 2011!


Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Maybe I have changed in the past two days.


good deal!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?

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No, no, listen TheRoad, my ex was not bad. Yes, he did some bad things, but he himself was not bad. I was not bad either, but I did a bad thing. I don't want him back because he is re-married and so am I. We are both re-married and have moved on. I just think about him from time to time is all.

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I want to thank everyone for their support. I hope to be of help to anyone else suffering from divorce or anyone thinking of having an affair.

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Originally Posted By: TheRoad
You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?
You want to quote that post, Road? Because I didn't see it. Maybe my eyes are failing me...where did she say he was such a bad husband? Quote, please.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Sad, I've read the whole thread and you just gotta let this guy go. You have made a family with your husband now and something might be up with your current marriage or you, but you need to fix your IN YOUR FACE life NOW and not be thinking of an X. Why would you think of him, anyway? Why does he matter? You shouldn't be considering who he was or is now. You should be looking at your husband, who you say is understanding and kind enough to you to listen to you talk about wanting to talk to your X (I would be having an absolute $___fit if my spouse ever told me they wanted to "be friends" with their X). Don't neglect the gift horse that you have, quit looking back. It's never going to happen again and who gives a $___ about what he's doing now? He is not your spouse! Your husband is, the father of your child. You're lucky! Quit picking at the scab of a very very old wound! It's a scar now, just let it heal and move on!


ME: 36
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A: 5/04
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: TheRoad
You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?
You want to quote that post, Road? Because I didn't see it. Maybe my eyes are failing me...where did she say he was such a bad husband? Quote, please.


Sadbear1 Posted 12/27/10 @ 10:17 AM ~

"Grindfool,

Yes, I agree that cheating is NEVER acceptable. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot now. While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it. In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later. I am not justifying what I did either. There were other options. I am sorry your wife cheated on you.
"


"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Originally Posted By: sadbear1


In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later.

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SB,

Even if your ex and his wife drop the wall and allow contact, I hope you realize that it's not in your best interest to pursue that contact. I understand the desire to think about what might have been, to get a chance to correct your mistakes, but it doesn't work that way. It's done...and the only forgiveness you are really missing at this point is forgiving yourself.

My situation is slightly different as there was no infidelity and I have to have contact with my ex because of our children, but I still maintain a very strong wall between us. We are not friends, and I don't look for her for emotional support in any way. I watch myself to make sure I provide as little support to her as little. It has nothing to do with what kinda person I think she is or anything, but because if care for her now, if I care for my own future, this is what I must do. Perhaps some day in the future that may change, but that future doesn't look anything like today, and any fantasy I may let myself indulge in will only hurt myself, her, and those we are about today. It's just a stupid illusion, a shortcut to no where.

And those that do manage to be friends with thier ex...I think they tend to view thier marriage more as being anulled then getting a divorce.


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"What about future relationships? How can you ever trust anyone again? Before you marry anyone else, try to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), meet each other's most important emotional needs, and follow my Policy of Radical Honesty. If you and your future spouse are comfortable living together under those conditions, you have nothing to fear in marriage. You will also be convinced that your first marriage would have been affair-free if you had done the same in that marriage.

No one will marry you unless you meet at least some of her emotional needs. But after you marry, if you don't meet her needs, she or anyone else you would marry, will be vulnerable to an affair.

I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love." Dr. Harley


I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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ragamuffin, thanks for posting that!! Do you have the link? I looked and looked and could not find it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Found it! here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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hurray


I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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I really wish people would get over adding to this thread. This will absolutely be the last time I post here, but I'm going to put this post nonetheless.

We posters here on MB tend to be a group of overanalyzers. We hash, rehash, re-rehash, and then give it a look up and down and then back again. It's what most of us are here doing. We're trying to look at our lives, see where we went wrong, and then improve on them. What sadbear is doing is, 1) giving herself a name which says she has a reason to be sad about a marriage long over, which she doesn't. 2) she's trying to justify a reason to contact this guy.

Color me nutty, but you have a kid and a husband NOW. You are stepping back into an unreality that you have clearly been told you are not in any way, shape, or form invited into. You have been told you need to go away. You are focusing attention on this LONG PAST and VERY SHORT relationship with someone who wants nothing to do with you, but you have someone in your life and someone who is putting up with your antics and you talking about it! You've established a life with this person, but you're still looking back and romanticizing a relationship that failed and looking up a marriage/divorce counciling type website to talk about an XH that you're hurt wants to no longer have contact with you?

Sorry, but this has BS flags all over it. You have a marriage to someone decent, get WAY over what is long gone and take ANY energy you have and put it into THE FATHER OF YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER who seems to give a rat's ass about you. If you don't want to be hitting the courthouse again soon for a divorce, put your efforts into a husband who is there listening to your irrational antics about some XH who has already given you the boot. Unless you realllllly like rejection, you might want to look at what sounds like a very very compassionate man and give him a big resounding kiss of thanks for allowing you this insensitive and extremely indulgent thought you've had. It's bothering you so much you're on a website for it. Knock it off. You said vows to and made a family with another man. Appreciate what you have and cultivate it and make it grow. If you neglect what you have, it will become infested with weeds, trust me. My garden was choked and all I have is what I can try to beg from my STBX. Thank goodness he's compassionate enough to be kind to me.

Last edited by Thistooshallpass; 12/28/10 11:44 PM.

ME: 36
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: TheRoad
You say what a bad husband your ex was so be happy you got rid of him.

How could you want him back?
You want to quote that post, Road? Because I didn't see it. Maybe my eyes are failing me...where did she say he was such a bad husband? Quote, please.


So now you got your quote.

So what?

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Bump for maritalbliss

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Quote:
So now you got your quote.

So what?
Oh, I neglected to thank you (and the poster before you) for bringing that quote up for me - I did miss it. Thanks, Road! wink


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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