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MelodyLane certainly doesn't need me to speak up for her. However, you should know that she is probably the number one proponent of marriage and marriage building on this site. She has helped me and countless others recover from infidelity. She is well-versed in Dr. Harley's concepts and principles, as you should become. Especially if you want to stay on this site and regain your own health and strengthen your marriage.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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No, I was just making a point.

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Yes, I certainly do want to stregthen my present marraige and I intend to continue working on it.

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Originally Posted by sadbear1
Yes, I certainly do want to stregthen my present marraige and I intend to continue working on it.
Then focus on the future and leave the past in the past.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Sadbear
You sound like a whiny little kid who can't be happy with anything. The problem is, no one can make you happy, only you can.

I feel very sorry for your current H, cause if he saw what you posted I am sure he would be hurt

For the record, I want nothing to do with cheaters (and this includes my ex wife). I am not sure they should be stoned, but I am sure they should be held more accountable for their selfish actions when dissolving the marriage because of it. There is no excuse for cheating. I mean, how hard is it to keep your pants on and your hands to yourself. It sickens me


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Originally Posted by sadbear1
So, based on the priciples of this site, I should never ever contact my ex again and die knowing I will never see him or his family ever? How horrible and sad. I guess cheaters should just be stoned to death then. Jeez, what if we had kids together?
My response to you about not contacting him again is based on this:
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He re-married back in 2006 and wants NOTHING to do with me now.

And this:
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His present wife sent me a harsh email 4 years ago telling me not to contact them.

They have made it clear to you that they want no contact with you. The fact that you have no children together is a good thing and is one less reason to have any need to be in contact with them.

Respect their desire to have no contact with you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by sadbear1
Oh, and to add one more thing. After he divorced me, he was my friend for two years. We talked often on the phone and he would come see me at work occasionally. So, it is the new marraige that changed his attitude. I think one has to prepare him or herself for this change. They may be friendly to you after a divorce, but a new marraige does change everything.
Yes, a new marriage does change things. Your ex and his W have clearly demonstrated firm boundaries in their marriage. Respect that.


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Originally Posted by sadbear1
No, I was just making a point.
But you're just muddying the waters by presenting a scenario that is not your reality. Children bring a different dynamic into the situation. You do not have children with this man, so that is a non-issue for you.


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Originally Posted by sadbear1
No, I was just making a point.

Unless you are a kid, you have no point.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Grindfool,

Yes, I agree that cheating is NEVER acceptable. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot now. While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it. In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later. I am not justifying what I did either. There were other options. I am sorry your wife cheated on you.

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Originally Posted by sadbear1
Grindfool,

Yes, I agree that cheating is NEVER acceptable. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would in a heartbeat, but I cannot now. While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it. In my case, my husband was going out drinking nightly and living like a bachelor while we were married. He also racked up all my credit cards and refused to work after he lost his job. So, many other factors contributed to the divorce, the cheating happened much later. I am not justifying what I did either. There were other options. I am sorry your wife cheated on you.
You need to take this knowledge into your current marriage. You know that cheating is wrong and solves nothing. That's a good thing to remember while you're making your marriage the best it can be.

Take that knowledge and leave your ex and his wife alone.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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bear - You are living a total fantasy about what Divorce is really about. You cheated on your ex-husband and put him through hell, and I suspect you want to be "friends" with him so you don't have to feel so bad about destroying his life.

(If he'll be your "friend", then you must not have hurt him too much and it wasn't really so bad, right?)

This isn't about wanting your ex back. This is about you somehow easing your conscience and convincing yourself that what you did wasn't so bad and LOTS of people cheat and get divorced and are still able to be "friends" with their exes because cheating and divorce aren't really such a big deal and what is everybody's problem?

Stop making this about you. It's not. You made the choice to betray your ex and now you are getting the consequences full force. This is why cheating is considered "bad" and "wrong" - because it destroys marriages and destroys relationships.

Permanently.

Grow up, take responsibility for YOUR choices and for god's sake leave your ex and his family alone. This popular idea of being "friends" with someone who destroyed your marriage and family is a very misguided and destructive one. It is massively confusing for the kids involved, especially, and gives them a very warped impression of what a family really is and makes it look like a part-time commitment should be enough.

It's not.

Leave them alone, learn from what you have done and take your consequences like an adult. Stop hoping that somehow your ex and his new wife will ease your conscience and make you feel less guilty. They can't and they won't. Only you can do that, and you can only do that by doing the responsible thing - which is to Leave Them Alone.

Here is an MB thread for you that might explain it a little further:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1


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Quote
While cheating is never the right thing to do, I do believe that certain factors cause people to do it.

There is only one factor that "causes" people to cheat: A very selfish decision on their part.

If someone is not happy in their marriage, they have three options:

1)Live with it.
2)Fix it.
3)Divorce it.

Option 4, "Keep it for what it's worth but have something on the side to make up the difference and sit on the fence and be both married and single," is not a valid option and never was. It will, however, lead directly to situations like the one you are in now. That's why we discourage it.


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Yes, deciding to cheat or have someone on the side is very selfish like a lot of selfish and ungodly things we do in our society. The truth is I did try to fix it several times. What I should have done is just seperate from my husband at the time and not see anyone else until we made a decision on what to do.

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Originally Posted by sadbear1
Yes, deciding to cheat or have someone on the side is very selfish like a lot of selfish and ungodly things we do in our society. The truth is I did try to fix it several times.

You didn't try too hard if you cheated. That is like saying you tried to fix the car by pouring gasoline on it and lighting a match. You cheated because of your own poor boundaries and for no other reason. I am sure you weren't the wife of the year either and he didn't cheat, did he? You were BOTH responsible for the poor state of the marriage, but you ALONE are responsible for your cheating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by sadbear1
Yes, deciding to cheat or have someone on the side is very selfish like a lot of selfish and ungodly things we do in our society. The truth is I did try to fix it several times. What I should have done is just seperate from my husband at the time and not see anyone else until we made a decision on what to do.
Of course. You know that now. Sadly, that will not erase time and the poor decisions you made in the past. You need to go forward with that knowledge and make your marriage a great one. And leave your ex and his wife alone.

Oh, yeah. I said that already. wink


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I would add that your current H is not safe either since you didn't learn from your past mistakes. You are a walking affair waiting to happen and he should know that.

That is evidenced by your lack of accountability for your affair and utter lack of BOUNDARIES with your XH. Here you are trying to resume contact with an x-lover. THAT IS HOW AFFAIRS START. Your H should be on alert and understand that you are very dangerous.

Your boundaries are very shaky.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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That is not true. I learned from my past and I would never ever have an affair again, even if my husband beat me. I very much understand boundaries now. I am not going to contact my ex because I now realize no good will come of it and it is against the wishes of my ex and his new wife so I will respect that. My current husband and I will be just fine. He values me very much and I also value him. We are secure with each other and that is what counts.

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Originally Posted by sadbear1
That is not true. I learned from my past and I would never ever have an affair again, even if my husband beat me. I very much understand boundaries now.

Apparently you do not. Here is what you wrote just 2 days ago:

Originally Posted by sadbear
. The problem I have though, is that even though I have gotten remarried and even have a daughter with my new husband, I cannot forget my ex or the memories we had. I miss him!! I ju st want to say hello and give him my best wishes but he won't let me.

You are still engaging in risky, marriage wrecking behavior by chasing after your EX.

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We are secure with each other and that is what counts.

Your feelings of "security" are an illusion if they are not based on sane boundaries. And on 12-25-10 you had very poor boundaries. Have you changed your ways in 2 days?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I suspect you have NO boundaries regarding your current M. Have you told your DH about your obsession with your ex? I would suspect that he would not feel too secure about his M if he knew his wife was pining for her ex and continued to do so for years after being run off by the man and his wife.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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