He called last night to thank me for the lunch. I guess I'm the only one who cares if he's eating and feeling(physically)alright. It's weird that he calls from his cell, but he always calls the house phone. Making sure I'm there?

My kids are pretty smart. They both told me, "you know dad want to come back."

I think they would like him to.

I don't.

Not now. Not the way he is. I want my old H back. I know to even start he's gotta give up the sauce.

I HOPE I'm getting there.

I just read your story. WOW. You give me hope. Some of the things you said inspired me. How funny is it that I told MY WH: I wont be OW's boyfriends' wife. Pretty close to your: "I won't be the wife of someone elses boyfriend". I am going to use that when and if the timing is right.

Here is a quote from you (circa Dec 4, 2005)"Another interesting thing was how fearful I was when I began to see that AJ was a classic cake-eater. OH NO! NOT A CAKE-EATER! But what I didn't see until later was that it was a good thing he was eating cake. The problem lies not with being a cake-eater, but in being allowed to stay a cake-eater. A greedy cake-eater is much more easily influenced by Plan B, IMO."

Was wondering if you still feel that same way, now, five years later. Greedy cake-eaters are easily influenced by Plan B?

Mitzie,
I made the mistake in an earlier post of intimating a bit of concern that you weren't fully prepared for what lay before you. I'll not commit that misjudgment again.

With that in mind, could I propose a little exercise?

Take your opening post, and read it as if I wrote it. (Okay, change the genders as needed.) Now you answer it, giving me your feedback on "my" actions, two weeks prior to "my" scheduled hearing on finances, which apparently kicks off marital dissolution processes in your state. Be brutal, but fair, applying thoughtful concern where appropriate, and 2x4's if indicated.

Hi mitzie,

You can click notify and ask the mods to connect this to your other thread.

NG,

I don't understand what you want me to do exactly.

I understand the part about reading it as though you posted it(I'm guessing your a male). But after that I don't understand.

Our court date is for Child Support/Spousal support only, nothing to do with the marriage itself. You want me answer each thing said back as though I was giving advice to YOU?

I think he's trying to snowball me into giving in and NOT taking him to court! He's money hungry, his OW is money hungry, and about 1/2 his paycheck a month will be going to me.

Let me know what excercize you want me to do?

Sorry, Mitzie, I was not trying to be mysterious, I just did not want to let my impressions of your story bleed into the fresh look I suggested you take at your own writing.

Someone (Neak, maybe?) kinda gave you the gist of what I wanted to say, which was:

YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROTOTYPICAL CAKE-EATER, AND YOUR RESPONSE IS TO OPEN UP A 24-HOUR, DROP-IN BAKERY?

WH drags himself out of skank's bed, stops by your house, tries to get a little something going with you in the manner of cheating on her, while he's busy cheating with her on you, and you, like the dutiful little wife, (among other things) make him a nutritious little lunch to send him on his way?

Excuse me, I'm confused. Is that Plan A, Plan B, or Plan WTF? The old joke about every man looking for a mate who is a slut in the bedroom, a lady in the parlor, and a chef in the kitchen is 2/3 fulfilled by your WH in the life he is leading. Of course, he's got to get two different women to achieve what he's got so far, but they seem to be okay with it.

First: let me say. . .I survived Christmas 2010! WHEW! Had to work, so that took some off my mind.

WH stopped by this morn. Looked haggard. he drank & did who knows what all night long. Came in bathroom while I was showering. Opened shower door...moving on...we had a nice morning. Talked about past christmases and light stuff. I was meeting some EN's telling him ILY and hugging him and stuff. I did end up meeting his biggest EN. After which he questioned if I had an ulterior motive, like to call the OW and tell her what we did.He said again "what goes on between us, stays just between us." Is this a trust issue with him, or what?
Second:
I'll make it short and sweet.OW is pressuring WH to get a divorce. OW said friend of hers(another skanky)told her that if WH hasn't filed by beginning of year that OW should dump WH because he'll never file.(meanwhile they have only been in their relationship 2 months) This caused a HUGE argument between the two(followed by WH punching his truck and putting a dent in it and hurting his hand, that info from DS1. He then came home called his friend and complained about it to him. DS1 heard parts of conversation, "everything was going fine and then all of a sudden" "I'm so drugged up(DS1's word, I think he may have said effed up) right now and I have to go to work" "I'm so effin mad I could rip someones head right off!". Later that night I get a txt from WH asking if he can sleep here tomorrow morning after work. I tell him fine.

I got a weird txt from WH around 2am. I txted back. He texted back. Finally I just called him(I really detest texting) and asked him what's going on. After some prodding he told me about her pressuring him. Then he said and I quote "she's upset she's dating a married man and looking like the town ho." OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! She IS the town HO! And he's the town adulterer.

This is so high school I can't stand it.

He's still moving accross from her on January 2nd.

I wonder if he'll cave into her and file, or if he's beginning to have some thoughts about her being so needy and insecure(maybe planted by me, teehee).The brain fog is still there because he said everything is fine between them. Translation: they made up on the phone while he's at work. Betcha he goes over OW in the morning and not here.

I was kinda glad I was able to meet his SF,(his BIGGEST EN). I thought to myself he doesn't really love this skank. He doesn't respect her, sleeping with someone else(that'd be ME!) while professing his love to her. Then I thought, oh goodness, what if that was just a booty call for him and he used me. Guys WILL do that.

Plan B can't come soon enough

Too bad the Skank is going to mess up his cake eating poor baby. lol

If you still want him & I'm saying a pretty big if. Kind of wondering why you would at this point. This is his 2nd right ?????

Your so much better than this.....

My suggestions is Plan A the Hell out of him for another 6 weeks & then go dark as in he doesn't exist dark.

This unintentionally worked for me. I planned A'd H for on & off for 5 months.
( my taker would rear it's ugly little head occasionally or I would wreck any progress by love busting ) Also didn't realise till after it all , I had to bust through a 12 inch thick concrete wall = to a 4yr affair & skankerella moved in with my H me being totally unaware for 3 out 5 months. ( see messing up his cake eating )

Then I had to plan B & go dark because I had to stop the wounds from bleeding & try to heal myself I was hemmoraging at that point. The only way I could do that is act as if he was dead. No texting , no talking on the phone, noSF, no little wifey duties like making his lunch, absolutley nothing I started creating a life for myself where he didn't exist. If something I did reminded me of him I changed it or removed it from my life. This sounds like eternity typing this but it was actually only 10 days for plan B. But I guess it was enough cuz ........

It also brought my H around realising what he really wanted. We have been back together for 3 1/2 months now. I will also tell you , raise the bar high, do not settle for promises & no follow thru. Be prepared to have a lists of requirements & do not bend on any of those. If he does then he is not worth it.

I'm not telling you this for nah nah this how you manipulate ! Dr H is a very smart man he is very correct in saying, you will be stronger the more time you plan b. You will get stronger everyday & be able to disconnect yourself from the stitch. You will be able too see you are worth so much more than what your H is willing to give.It will give you back the power over yourself & your life & what is really best for you.

If you cannot go another 6wks on Plan A then go dark Jan 2nd as planned.Do not let him have any speck of you for any reason.

Skank will dig her own grave , just bide your time. She's pushing for him to give up his cake eating & I promise you he will not like that at all.

Sorry I'm not a vet but I got my battle scars & ripped t-shirt as proof of this.

Best of luck .... I hope he shows he's worth all of this to you ((((( hugs)))))

Thanks 8.

Yeah, he went to skank-ho's to sleep. He's not answering his phone. What an idiot.

I don't know if i posted this, but Christmas Eve, he took her to OUR neighborhood party! He claimed he didn't want to go but she kept insisting(he can't say no?).I'm tellin' you-that woman WANTS MY LIFE! I guess she felt kinda 'awkward', and I think that's what pre-empted this whole, divorce thing.

I keep telling him I don't want a divorce. I beleive in this marriage.

Just sad that he didn't show. Sad he'd dumb and doesn't know what she's doing(she wants a ring on her finger).Sad he chose her couch over our big comfy warm bed. Sad he's rather be there than here.

I would suggest, in accordance with DrH and MB, that you Plan B ASAP. That means NOW. As soon as you can get it prepared, pull the trigger. You have been here for more than a month so get that Plan B moving.

Of course your WH is using YOU TOO. He is using BOTH OW and YOU. He is going to be telling her that you are pressuring him into staying married but that he WILL file. He is trying to keep BOTH of you on a hook.

And as far as meeting his SF need, doesn't OW meet that need too? What ENs do YOU meet that OW wasn't? Ramp it up for the last few days. PA, DS, RC(even if he doesn't go along) and admiration. These are some HIGH ENs for MOST men.

Do you want to save your marriage? Following MB to the T is your BEST chance. I know it is scary at first. I used to say(and sometimes still do) that if I only KNEW that in 4 years, my WH would come home, I could make it. There is NO guarantees. Believe me on this though, you WILL feel better after some time in plan B. You will be AMAZED at the progress you make.

Scotland, thanks. I know you know what you're talking about. I have some questions though: What is DA and RC? Is you H still living with OW? How long did your PlanB take? I'm prepared to go 6 months. That'll take me up to day after my bday.

OW and I are both meeting his SF EN, yes. That is probably his number 1 EN. I meet the ENs of friendship, security, loyalty, finance, stability, UNCONDITIONAL love and a couple more I'm sure I can't think of off the top of my head.

8thgraders pretended her WH was dead. I thought that to myself yesterday. I just have to think of him as dead. My H is dead and I don't know who WH is.

Yes, I want to save this marriage. I beleive in marriage. I beleive in THIS marriage. I have seen many success stories on this board. All were sucesses because they followed Dr. H's & MB plan to do so. If this marriage can't be saved(WH is practicing alcoholic,so...)at least I will end up with my sanity, and hopefully adjusted children.

Can you direct me where I can find a start for a PlanB letter, and how it is given?

Thanks Scotland

Mitzie, I am sorry, this is going to be somewhat short. I need to jet off to work. It is Boxing day here(equivalent to Black Friday in the US) and I work at a MAJOR retailer.

Have you read all of this site? Here is the newbie thread in case you haven't read it yet. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

There is stuff about Plan A and B and about ENs.

There is so much wrong with what you wrote in your post to me.

DS=Domestic Support
PA=(in ENs) Physical Attactiveness
RC=Recreational Companionship

Are you saying that you are entering plan B and that it will end in 6 months? or are you saying that you will enter Plan B in 6 months?

If your WH is also an alcoholic, MB won't work for him until he has received help for that addiction. In that case, I would suggest Plan B NOW with conditions in the letter about him receiving help with his alcohol addiction FIRST.

Hope this helps

No not waiting 6 months. Planning going to Plan B on Jan 1 or 2nd. WH said moving either one(prob depending on his hangover).

Plan B will be much welcome. I've had enough of the drama.

MelodyLane gave me some hope in an earlier post that WH will probably go crazy when I go to Plan B because I'm his security/stability(she's a mess, none of either). I hope that'll be enough to have him hit bottom. I don't wish that on anyone, but I've read enough and been to enough Al-Anon meetings to know that's where he has to go before he'll get well-if ever.

6 months in Plan B. I can do that I hope.

I will re-read mentioned info tonight after work.

Plan B is the way to go, Mitzi. This guy is pretty happy the way things are.

I caution you: do not hope that OW dumps him at the beginning of the year and you no longer need to go dark. Get your Plan B together and get ready to go dark

Yes, yes, yes. Whether she dumps him or not makes no difference at all. Stick with the plan. Jan 2 if he does not move out on his own, have his stuff packed and outside by nightfall.

Also, I would be the last person to slam you for the SF, but please, please if/when you do, remember that you're having sex with the whole neighborhood and use appropriate protection. (Hazmat suit!)

This little reminder is for any lurkers or newbies who may be reading, since I already told Mitzie:

The reason she is being encouraged to limit her Plan A activities and make a rapid exit to Plan B is because of her WH's alcoholism. MB plans are not effective when an adultery addiction is combined with a substance addiction. Mitzie's WH is an alcoholic, thus Plan A is basically useless.

The only language an addict understands is personal loss.

Didn't realise your H was also a alkie ..... Should of read closer.

Rip every little EN away from him he got from you. As I posted earlier MY H WAS DEAD HE DIDN'T EXIST ATLEAST IN MY MIND. That was the only way I could let him go.

There was no playing nice, he didn't exist so there was no playing goin on. Any wifey duties you played stop ! Any family duties that included him being praised stop !
Do not do anything if his name , or him getting partial credit is attached.

He does not exist ! So stop it.

If music reminds you of him change the channel ! I learned to really like Dave Ramsey you can play hours & hours of his segments on the net.

TV or Movies remind you , read a book empowering you !

Sports remind you , Turn the channel & watch an evangelist ,Fox news, anything but always make sure it is the total opposite of him & what he liked.

I had to do this to save myself. To show myself I could go on without him. I could rebuild my life on my own.I wanted him for the right reasons.Not because I was afraid of being alone, financial security or any other f up'ed reason he could come up with.

As for your reasons for going thru this a 2nd time. They are yours & only you can decide if it is worth it or not. I have friends & family that think I'm totally nuts right now , a weak ,taken advantaged of, fooled little wife that can be controlled.

The difference is the weak ones kick them to curb, the strong ones fight until there is nothing left to fight for. I see us & the ones fighting on this board the strong ones. The weak wouldn't even be trying & would of just gave up.

When R has never occurred from the first A, a second A doesn't automatically mean the WS is a serial adulterer. Time will tell if they are salvageable or not.

Even serial cheaters can be converted, but the numbers are very few.

Am I the only one completely freaked out that she is having sex with this man probably within hours of him having sex with the OW?

Ugh. After I installed a keylogger I discovered that WH (now X) had been with his OW and me in the same 24 hour period. It grosses me out now to think about it...and it was certainly the last time I ever let him have sex with me.

Does it not bother any of you?

No, SW, you are not alone.

My last post, after WH tried to get Mr Happy attended to, attempted to express my misgivings about the self-delusional path Mitzie was on, to wit:
And that was BEFORE she gave in to his advances. Sometimes there is just nothing to be said to those who will not listen; the best that can be done is to withdraw. I'm done with this poster, except to say that in my next life, if I'm a WH, I hope to have a BW who will take care of my SF EN's while I'm still smelling like the OW skank.

I am not freaked out. I did the same thing many times myself. What I want is for her to insist on full protection for herself if she chooses this route.


You say this like it's a bad thing.

In Plan A, you WANT the WS to become a cake-eater. The more cake they eat, the more they will miss it when they get plunked right in the middle of Plan B.

A good Plan A involves letting the WS even wallow in the cake, right in the midst of their A. That is the point.

Where this differs a bit for Mitzie is with her WH's addiction. Because of that, she has been advised to put very little effort toward a Plan A, since it won't be effective anyway. I have no objection to her doing little things as the opportunity arises, such as the lunch, as long as they don't require much planning, effort, or energy.

Any Plan A'ing she does must be with the full knowledge that it's not effective, and as long as she takes that into account AND goes promptly to Plan B on Jan 2, it's all good.

If we see her pouring too much energy in, or starting to waffle on her PB date, that's when we need to break out the 2x4's.