THANK YOU! THANK YOU one and all! Your advice is well taken, I assure you.

Today (12/27) is WH b'day. I always made a special day of it. Not this year.

I didn't call WH all day. Didn't see him at all. Only spoke to him this morn when he called said he sleeping at skanky-steal my boyfriend's wife's husban-ho's house. Said he didn't want to bother me. What bother?

As for the SF with WH. Yes it does sound kinda self skanking, but for me there was a method behind my skanking. 1. To SF to the max on his EN. 2. He was getting 'aroused'(hate that word, sorry)just by sitting by me on the couch. and 3. the most important part of all, I wanted to see if he respected her since in his alien brain he is sooo madly in love and soul-mates. Right now he doesn't respect either one of us. So we are on an even playing field. Guess who's gettin their OWN self respect back? That's right, That'd be MITZIE. Let them wollow in thier self destructive behavoir. People don't stay with people they don't respect.

Sometimes the best defence is no defence.

Can I go 'kinda' dark before i head into Plan B? Plan B is only 5 or 6 days away. By kinda dark I mean, not texting, not calling. I'v already stoped driving by the apt complex they BOTH will be living in, and little things like that.
Please let me know on that one.

I'm sooo tired, just want to crawl in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.(I can do that now, my MD gave me some antidepressents and help with the sleeping too).

Goodnight.

Don't go prematurely dark, just don't go out of your way to be light, either. Don't seek out opportunities to Plan A, but if he stops by or calls be at your best, without stressing being at your best, KWIM?

Go with the flow. If you can do something nice, go ahead. If you can't, no biggie. Write your letter, have some extra boxes on hand. Maybe the local supermarket has them certain days of the week.

I am at a loss on how to even START a Plan B letter. What I should say, how to say it. Even more so because of WH alcoholism and our seperation.

Plan B should be pretty easy. He avoids seeing me now as it is.

Help with the letter, PLEASE!

Thanks

Getting ready for Plan B
It's a read-only ... in archives

Thanks Pepperband.

That was just what I wanted.

I'm off to work. I will post a draft later tonight/early morn.

Could you pleas take a look at it. I love to write and tend to drone on and on and take the long way around my point. My WH has a short attention span(like remembering he's married? :D) so I need to make it sweet & to the point.

Thanks again.

Post it, and you'll get ruthless editing help.

Hello everyone.

I'm still working on my Plan B letter, so be patient. Half done. Hard to write what I want to say.

Last night WH and I texted back and forth about inconsequential things (kids, lunches, neighborhood things)and then the texting got a little racy(just a tiny little bit). His last text was: "I'm one **explitive** up individual". He says that a LOT. I was sleeping and texted him this morn about it. He was going to stop by on his way home from work.

He did stop. Thanked me for yesterdays lunch. He wanted SF. I gave in.(even giving in to a fantasy of his. Sorry if I shouldn't have, just felt right at the time). Afterward I asked him how he felt after we "did it" and he said weird. He said he felt like he was using me. What the heck? Is this normal? Does he relly feel this way or is this brain fog? Then he said he doesn't understand his feelings, like when he's away from me all he wants to do is be with me, and when he's here(home) with me all he wants to do is leave. Of course he left to meet OW at the bar b/c he didn't get to go have his birthday drinks from yesterday. All this went on in about a one hour and half span. He said definitly leaving on the 1st but he would still be around and see me. . Too bad about Plan B putting a spin on that for him.

I understand Neak's perspective on making him a very GREEDY cake-eater. That is what I am trying to do. I am making these few days count. Making them as pleasant and cake filled as I can.

Neak, everyone. . .Please tell me I'm doing the right thing! Please tell me what he's doing and saying is NORMAL for WS to do.

I keep saying to myself: I'm NOT being used, I'm being USEFUL. I'm NOT being use, I'm being USEFUL. . .

Feelings have no intelligence.
Feelings just are.
Feelings have no moral compass either.
Anytime someone asks something like:

"Are those his true feelings?"
The answer is always "Yes."

But, that's just part of the story.

Feelings are never fixed.
Feelings always change. Always.

The wayward fog we refer to is how their "thinker" is all screwed up.

Having said all that, if your WH is an alcoholic, his development of life skills has been delayed.
No one learns good/great life skills under the influence.

An alcoholic wayward has a double whammy screwed up stinkin'thinkin'.

The only thing that matters are his actions.
Listen to his actions. If you know what I mean.

You ARE being used.
That's what Plan A is.
But, it has a purpose.
You are being used to fill his most important ENs.

Plan A like a maniac right before Plan B.
That is your best opportunity to leave him wanting more of you and what you have to offer.

I would also say that you shouldn't ask him about his feelings right now. You probably DON'T want to know. Remember, he wants what HE wants and right now BOTH you AND OW are giving that to him. He cares the same about you and OW because he is using BOTH of you. That is the WH. That is what he is all about. That is why it is important not to carry on plan A for too long. You will get LB'd by him and you will start to lose all of the love that you have left for him. That is one of the reasons you are going to go to Plan B. You won't realize that your LB has taken major damage until it is too late.

Being an addict, he is already a greedy cake-eater. Clearly he appreciates your bakery.

Don't stress what is in his mind right now. (Hint: not a whole lot.) The main thing is that you have a plan, and you are executing it regardless of what he thinks or does.

The EN's you meet now will come back to haunt him in Plan B. Every time he has no lunch, every time he doesn't call OW and she shrieks at him because she thinks he was with you, every time he gets a call from a blocked number and gets interrogated...again and again he will see how good he had it.

Dealing with that plus alcohol, well that boy has his work cut out for him. Your hardest job by far is going to be not letting him back before he's ready.

bump

My Dearest Husband <****>,

I am so sad having to write this letter. Today is your moving day and even as I put words to paper, I cannot beleive I must write them to you. I truly do not know how we ended up this way and what has happened to our marriage. Please beleive me when I say that the decision I must make now is out of necessity to spare what I can of the love I have for you.

I have made many, too many, mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. I have made exceptionally poor judgement calls on my part when it comes to money and my total disrespect of it. I have also made mistakes in understanding how important your need of sexual intamacy is, I completely shut you out some of the time, and for this I will be forever sorry. Also, I have not been a very fun recreational partner, I could have tried harder on my part to participate more often in the outdoor activities and the sports you enjoy.

Only now have I been able to recognize those errors in judgments, actions and inactions. I have learned from them so very much. My understanding of those failings has honestly taken me with great effort to take steps that they will not happen agian.

What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and action or inaction; and I have learned from them so much. The depth of my understanding, of those failings, has taken me to honestly and with great effort to take steps that will ensure that they will not happen again. I can with a clear conscious say to you that I have a renewed understanding of the worth of money and I have come to realize that saving for what you want instead of buying needlessly cannot and will not happen today, tomorrow or anytime in the future. You know you and I have such a strong sexual chemestry and everytime I see you I want you, I ensure you those days of turning a cold shoulder to you are over. I want to fulfill every fantasy and desire that you have. You have taught me the love and how to enjoy the outdoor more than I ever imagined possible, Riding your Harley is one of the greatest enjoyments I think I have ever had. Riding with you once or twice or more a week would be a priority for us.

I am more than truly sorry for help create and feed this enviorment that made your affair possible. I am the one person who was responsible for meeting your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgement I did little to help in growing and sustaining our love for each other. I lost track of how important sex, financial security and fun leisurly activites are to you. I lost sight of these over the years. I now know I am more than able to meet those needs and lovingly enthusiactly do so.

These past two months I have had a most difficult time. There is pain and deep sadness as I've learned to fix my failings. This sadness and pain has, dispite the heartache, has made me realize what strenghs I really possess. This hurt and strengnths have caused a conflict that has lead me to this inexcapable conclusion. My strength is my only resolve and that I will old firm to.

<****>, my love, the conclusion I have come to is this, until you end your relationship with <***>, I can no longer see you or talk to you. The continued pain that befalls me everytime I see or talk to you has become unhealthy for me to be the best wife for the one that I love.

Greg, this decision is not meant to hurt you. It is the only way that I can hold onto the love that I have for you. The kind of love I have for you inspite of your affair.I don't want to lose that love.

As soon as you are willing to permanently and unconditionally seperate from <***>, I will be willing to discuss our future.

I want us to rebuild our marriage and our family. We need to build a new lifestyle that both enjoy. We can do everything we can to make us both happy and our marriage blossom. We used to have such fun together when we would go out together or with friends. I want us to get those good times back. I want to be your best friend and lover and wife that man would be proud to have as a spouse.You know I can and would be all of those to you. You know I have loved you more than anything in life and would die for you should it come to that. My love is deep and my love is strong. My love is commited and loyal and trustworthy.

Forever, your loving wife

Quick, you left some names in there- get them out. And, please, before you send this, use spellcheck.

My Dearest Husband Mr. Mitzie,

Today is your moving day and even as I put words to paper, I cannot believe I must write them to you.

I have made many mistakes in the past, and cannot change or take them back. I wish I could. I have made poor judgement calls when it comes to money,failed to understand how important sexual intimacy is for both of us, and I completely shut you out some of the time. Also, I have not been as much of a fun recreational partner as I could have, and to participate more often in the outdoor activities and sports you enjoy. I'm sorry for each of the mistakes I have made. Recently I have learned to recognize my mistakes, and correct them. I have enjoyed the chance to show you what I've learned about being a great wife, a careful shopper, and how to meet your needs in all kinds of creative ways. The changes I have made will carry with me the rest of my life, as I continue to grow and improve.

You have brought so much to my life. You and I have such a strong sexual chemistry, and every time I see you I want you. You have taught me to love and enjoy the outdoor more than I ever imagined possible. One of my greatest enjoyments is riding your Harley, all snuggled up with my arms around you.

Because I love you so much, these past two months have been terribly difficult for me. There is pain and deep sadness as I've seen you go to another woman's arms again and again. Mr. Mitzie, my love, because of the raw pain I feel every day, the conclusion I have come to is this - in order to protect what love I have left for you, I choose to no longer see you or talk to you until you end your adultery with OW.

Mr. Mitzie, this decision is not meant to hurt you. It is the only way that I can hold on to the love that I have for you. I don't want to lose that love. As soon as you are willing to permanently and unconditionally seperate from OW, and enter treatment for your alcoholism, I will be willing to discuss our future. It's not too late for us.

I want us to rebuild our marriage and our family. We need to make a new lifestyle that we both enjoy, where we are both happy, and our marriage blossoms. I want to be your best friend and lover, and a wife that any man would be proud to have. You know I have always loved you more than anything in life, and would die for you if need be. My love is deep, and my love is strong. I look forward to a wonderful future by your side.

Forever, your loving wife

Neak,
I did say I tend to drone on and on....

Thanks for cutting it down to bare necessitities for me. That is much more specific and to the point.

Thanks again.

A question: Why would WH call me this morning to tell me he called off work last night because he got so drunk(celebrating his bday)that he couldn't make it in? He knew I would have a fit because I had one the last time he called off three weeks ago. This from a man who NEVER called off but once in 15 YEARS! A man who proud of the fact he never clocked in late in 18 YEARS! Why didn't he just not tell me, I would have never found out about it. I don't get it.

Stuff like that, just say blandly, "Well, that was your choice. Some weather we're having, isn't it?"

Is it common for WS to show the Plan B letter to their OP? I mean, since they are soulmates and share EVERYTHING, I almost expect WS to.

Will the OP try to use it against the marriage? Saying that's just my way of copping out, and that he SHOULD go file for divorce because obviously I don't want to be with him?

Do they GET it, the letter I mean, since they are under "infidelity FOG?" Do most WS just throw it away? I understand the need to send a PLan B letter. That it's more for me then him, but I just don't understand how it could possibly work to help rebuild our relationship when there is a third party involved minipulating THEIR relationship.

Marriage Builders suggest SENDING a copy to the OP.

That way, they know you are NOT giving up and YOU sent the Wayward away from the marriage until conditions of no contact are met once and for all.

You send a copy to the OP (if you have an address or email of theirs) and put a note on the copy that says:


I love WH with all of my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Agree. Sending to the OP is a good idea, because it destroys the happy little comfort they feel about the BS giving up. They know that no matter where they go or what they do, you're still there, waiting for them to blow it. The pressure wears on them, they lovebust, and things go even more terribly in A-land.

Besides, the soul-meats shouldn't have any secrets, right? Lol!

Generally, the WS does not voluntarily show the OP a PBL any day of the week, and most especially if it contains (tasteful of course!) references to a recent sexual encounter. Generally, they keep it, re-read it many times, and eventually some of it may begin to sink in.

That's the main reason it's in letter form, as they would remember NOTHING of it if you simply told them. Very short attention span, as you said.

I sent OW a copy of the Plan B letter. I put an extra line on the end of it as well. BUUUUUUTTTTTT being in Plan B, I have NO CLUE it's affect on OW or the A. I CAN attest to the fact that the WS doesn't throw it away. My IM told WH that the details about when he was supposed to visit the children and finances, etc were in the letter, he told IMs it was in the car(This SHOULDN'T have slipped through but it DID). How many times he has read it since? Who knows? It doesn't matter to me.

Sending the Plan B letter to OP also shows OP that your WS didn't leave YOU and pick THEM. The choice was NOT theirs. This does plant some seeds of doubt in the mind of the OP. For that reason ALONE, I was HAPPY to email OW the letter as well.