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When I was young I had a chemistry set, not the wimpy ones they have today, but a really great one allowed us to do things like burn sulfur, mix chemicals to get bubbly, hot reactions, and others that dissolved things.

Now I am looking at the online dating sites and finding that chemistry seems to be the #1 of many women. There must be instant, burning, bubbling chemistry according to their profiles or else. One lady even stated that it only took 15 seconds for her to know if the chemistry was there. My gosh, the first meeting date could end before a man managed to order the coffee and utter two sentences!

So, if you have my old chemistry set, please return it. I need to understand this thing a lot more.

Last edited by Erwin_flagstone; 12/23/10 07:37 PM.
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Hehe, look at it this way Erwin. You can use these "instant chemistry" demands as a perfect filter. When you see a profile that expects such a thing, you can move on to the next one. They are doing you (and most other normal men) a favor, without even realizing it.

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Indeed. In fact, I looked into the online dating sites for a bit and soon discovered that most of what people write makes them candidates for "instant rejection" rather than a prospect for further exploration.

There are two women who have seemed to just "pop up" on my radar screen. Neither of them from online. I'm taking one of them out tomorrow. The other I haven't yet asked out.

Both of them are almost blank slates to me. There will be nearly endless possibilities to learn about them -- their likes, their dislikes, their idiosyncrasies, their histories, and more. It may be that no chemistry develops, but I've just about had it with "instant reaction." In my case, that ultimately wound up in "nuclear meltdown."

Last edited by Fred_in_VA; 12/23/10 09:32 PM. Reason: Added "not from online" just to clarify

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It is amazing how many people confuse 'chemistry' with physical attraction. Certainly physical attraction plays a part. But I think chemistry has more to do with shared values and preferences than with how 'hot' somebody looks.

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Originally Posted By: Erwin_flagstone

It is amazing how many people confuse 'chemistry' with physical attraction. Certainly physical attraction plays a part. But I think chemistry has more to do with shared values and preferences than with how 'hot' somebody looks.


Yes, agreed! But don't undervalue physical attraction either; it is important.


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Hehehe, this is a fun topic.

I was only on the online dating site for a couple of weeks, but definitely developed a "filter" for an instant "pass" on potential dates. The belief in instant "chemistry" was one. Some of the others:

- Ranting about what kind of man they don't want.
- Photos of themselves with a significant other.
- Photos of pets (I love animals as much as the next guy, but I don't want to date your dog).
- Photos of their tatoos (personal preference)
- Photos in lingere
- Every photo with a drink or cigarette in their hand (I like to party, but c'mon)
- Current status as "separated" (really, I mean really?)

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Erwin:

how many women have you asked out? expect the odds of a second date at 1 in 10. . . or worse. There are many good reasons why people don't reciprocate, and its all in the timing for both of you. I have been on e-h and match for almost 6 months, i am picky, but not impossible. i am in my 50s and what i run up against is people who have a set routine, and don't like change. partly the economy, partly the age. They don't want to travel, and are comfortable as they have coped with their life so far. SO all the requests are within 25 miles, so that they don't have to move. Very limited selection within your town, unless you live in a city.

I have gone out with about 6, only one has gotten past the first date, and i understand what chemistry is about, and yeah, i have had it before in my life, but i didn't realize what it was before. Took a certain date to get me to understand it. .. and she is the one which i had the second date with, and a third, and will most likely get a fourth, just had to make myself more attractive by NOT asking her for awhile. .

My views on match zoomed with the first weekend of cold weather, 200+, stopped during the holiday season. These issues aren't about you or them. just the timing. . . just because you are ready, doesn't make everyone else ready.

I know more than one person who has been married off match or e-h. its an easy couch potatoe way of finding a higher potential mate other than randomly asking a stranger, gawd, what did they do before the internet?

I know someone who is engaged after searching for a theatre date on Craig's list, and she said it was love at first sight, and then ran home, scared because she didn't believe in love at first sight, and made him chase her. . . and tested the crap out of him. . .

people have to make the effort to be open to MANY and RANDOM possiblities, if all you do is drive home after work, shop for food, and play sports with guys, you are never going be in the vicinity of potential dates. then you have to learn how to approach without scaring them or appear to be hitting on them. you have to appear to be fun and appear to them to NOT be interested in a date, if you ask a random stranger, or a live person the first time.

sign up at meetup.com, put in your favorite activities, and join in the groups. THEN you will have the opportunity to meet people with your interests and actually do the activity with them. can't think of a better way. .

read "The Game", it was written near AGG, and any book by the author Mystery. it will change your mind completely, and after reading those books myself, all of you other than AGG sound like whiners who don't know where to start either.

wiftty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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tc, you are right, the physical is important. I have a friend who really likes the big-hair, lots of makeup look. Personally, I find that look to be clown like.

On the other hand one of my very favorite women is a bit plump, short and has funny teeth. But, she is a barrel of fun to be with, very smart, and loves people. Alas, she is in a LTR and plansto stay there.

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Originally Posted By: WhenIfindthetime
Erwin:

read "The Game", it was written near AGG, and any book by the author Mystery. it will change your mind completely, and after reading those books myself, all of you other than AGG sound like whiners who don't know where to start either.

wiftty


Gosh, thanks wiftty. I always take advice from somebody who call me a whiner.

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The pet photos are also the ones that get me. I don't mind one pet photo, but sometimes there are more pet photos than there are of the person. What does that tell me? I would never post one blurry photo of myself and ten great photos of my hot sports car.

I have to admit it is fun to poke fun at the silly things people do on the online sites. I am sure people can poke lots of fun at me. Let's just ejoy it.

The main thing is the online sources let us meet people we would never meet in the normal course of our lives. Even going out a lot is limited. How many times have you gone out alone and felt like you were the only single person in the place?

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I was thinking if there can be negative chemistry. But, no. Chemistry is a positive term so we should keep it that way. No Chemistry implies that two people just don't have what it takes to be a couple. Negative chemistry implies that something is wrong with one of them, or maybe both. That, I think, is a dangerous attitude.

Let's keep chemistry positive.

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Originally Posted By: WhenIfindthetime
Erwin:

people have to make the effort to be open to MANY and RANDOM possiblities, if all you do is drive home after work, shop for food, and play sports with guys, you are never going be in the vicinity of potential dates. then you have to learn how to approach without scaring them or appear to be hitting on them. you have to appear to be fun and appear to them to NOT be interested in a date, if you ask a random stranger, or a live person the first time.

sign up at meetup.com, put in your favorite activities, and join in the groups. THEN you will have the opportunity to meet people with your interests and actually do the activity with them. can't think of a better way. .

read "The Game", it was written near AGG, and any book by the author Mystery. it will change your mind completely, and after reading those books myself, all of you other than AGG sound like whiners who don't know where to start either.

wiftty



Great post. Especially the part about timing. My new dh and I marvel at how we met at what was probably the perfect time in our post divorce lives. We were both ready and both knew what we wanted. We were introduced by mutual friends whom I had known for 25 years and he had known for 10. And even though I had met dh's brother many times and we only lived 2 hours apart and traveled in the same circles---dh and I had never met. We discovered we were at the same religous convention 2 years ago...but at that time I was not divorced and the ink was barely dry on his.

So when things line up in a logical fashion, you need to be prepared to go for it. In turn that means you should be ready to be serious before you even start casually dating. I know many do not agree with that....but think how the person might feel who IS ready only to find out her date is just 'practicing' dating.

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Quote:
The pet photos are also the ones that get me. I don't mind one pet photo, but sometimes there are more pet photos than there are of the person. What does that tell me?


It tells you that the person is a homebody, that the person loves unconditional love, and that the person loves animals. Also could be that the person does not like to be alone, and needs some kind of companionship. Also, mothers feel needed with children, and animals can replace that need to feel needed, as well. She wants to feel needed.

The correct question to answer is "What does the animal represent to the woman?" If the animal replaces male companionship, then the person is not likely to be a good partner, like my XW. She has the dogs to do something with, as she can't find a male to do something with her.

For some people, it removes the perception of loneliness when they come home to an empty house, in which case, they are insecure about their situation.

Erin, ever go to a nice restaurant, and occasionally wonder what is taking so long to get the meal? The meals come out relatively the same time, BUT in reference to fast food joints, nice restaurants seem slow. . . its a matter of perspective, and instead of asking how I relate to X, ask yourself, how does she relate to X, and then you will begin to have your answers.

Chemistry is about the subtlies of physical attraction and interaction, which are hard wired into your being through millions of years of evolution. There are attraction switches which females have which need to be activated in order to get her attention by you, same for the females as the males, just at a different level than males.

Figure out those attraction switches for females, adjust your behavior to flip them, and you have a much better chance at success if you are open and in the vicinity of possible females.

good luck,

wiftty


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Smiling, you are so right about timing. I have a good friend who was married for 30 years. His wife decided she did not want him around during retirement so got a divorce and ran off somewhere. About 2 months after the divorce, he met a friend of a friend at a dinner party. The rest, as they say, is history. Six months later they were married and so far they are living happily ever after.

The chemistry was right. But so were their attitudes, mental and emotional health, etc. These are the catalysts that made the chemical reaction so strong.

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When it comes to online stuff, I try and remember that alot of people are trying to sell themselves, so to speak. just because they have a picture or two of thier dog doesn't really say anything for certain about them. It could mean they they guys like dogs and thus a picture of thier dog will make them more attractive. A fishing pic may mean the same, but it also makes me think they want an outdoorsy guy. Pictures of them out with friends says "I'm not boring"....which could very well mean they are boring and trying to hide it.

The only thing that I really pay attention to are hard facts...like how they look, height, #of kids, age, career, smoking habits, etc. Even how they look can be rather deciving though...if it's nothing but head shots, or even worse, cleavage shots and all sorts of angles to disguise what they don't want you to see. Eh, you just really never know...if you think there's a remote chance, you have to give it a go, but keep a thick skin.


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Quote:
So when things line up in a logical fashion, you need to be prepared to go for it. In turn that means you should be ready to be serious before you even start casually dating. I know many do not agree with that....but think how the person might feel who IS ready only to find out her date is just 'practicing' dating.


very true, that is how i screwed up. . . I wasn't 100 % ready for hitting the jackpot after meeting the third person on e-h . . . been putting in alot of work on myself, but its slow, as its dependent upon other decisions beyond my control. . .

wiftty


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I discovered a long time ago, that I am good enough for me and I don't need to try and impress any chix as they expect who you are trying to be and not who you are. I just be myself and just not care what anyone else thinks.

I have a great job, some chix at work are attracted to that, I have my birds, there's one there that thinks that is cool, one even thinks I'm dangerous and mysterious because of the gunshot wound. Heck there's two twenty somethings that keep hounding me to take either one flying and shooting. There is the most dangerous one that is on the prowl.

I just don't care, they all WANT something and I figure it's leverage amongst the other chix.


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Wow, such analyzing! Can't a person just love dogs without being determined to not be a good companion? Dogs seem to have added to the mix in my previous relationships rather than the contrary...but then I tend to go for other animal lovers. But then, that's what most people do, they hone in on someone with like interests as that's who they best relate to.

More pictures of the dog than them? Maybe they just don't have anyone around taking pictures of them! And yes it shows they love their dog. Maybe that means they aren't right for you, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.

Maybe I'm just in the minority, but instant attraction is not a good indicator of anything...it just means you have the pheromones. Attraction that comes from getting to know and love the person seems to be more lasting and deeper...keep in mind that our physical bodies do not remain the same over the years, nor do we look our best all of the time. There's times we are sick, or we get older...but that need not do away with attraction. I don't think there's a thing in the world my late husband could have done to have ruined our attraction to each other because it was built on a solid close relationship not some fade away body building thing. And yes each person is "attracted" to a different type...some prefer women made up and heels...other prefer a natural look and jeans. Isn't it cool that we're all different and there's someone for everyone!


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I do think a lot of profiles can be read as warning labels, but so much is dependent on the person viewing them.

I personally stay away from anyone who plays too many sports, stresses spontaneity and adventure, even mentions physical passion, or who can't spell or use punctuation.

At 43 years of age, I know I like predictability and routine. I plan my adventures and taking off for a weekend away on short notice stresses me out.

At the same time, when I've had a profile up, I've tried to be very clear who I am. I changed my profile a lot because I'm a marketer. I was interested in how different profiles brought in different responses.

In the fall, I actually did meet a man I liked a lot. Still seeing him but there are yellow flags on the field, and I have a feeling he may fall into the category of "It was just the time was wrong."


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GG!! Nice to see you back! We haven't heard from you since November, right?
Glad to hear you have a romantic interest, some lucky fellow for sure. Yellow flags: are we talking Illegal Procedure-type or Personal Foul-type, Off Sides, or Chop-block?
Happy New Year, Gg.
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