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Originally Posted By: sadbear1
Yes, kilted thrower, I agree. Affairs are absolutely devastating and WRONG WRONG WRONG, but divorce is just so so terrible, especially the aftermath.


Again, adultery is much more devastating and sometimes divorce is the best choice.

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I know all about the pain. Thank goodness, I did not have kids with my ex husband. I think divorce destroys children too.


Adultery destroys children. When a marriage breaks up over adultery it is because of the adultery, not because of the betrayed spouse.

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Most people I know who have divorced parents have a lot of resentment and anger towards both parents for making the decision to divorce.


Not if the kids KNOW the divorce resulted from one parent's adultery. This is why children should ALWAYS be told the truth about adultery. They should be told the full truth. The crimes of the adulterer should never be whitewashed. The kids should know everything, including the name of the adultery partner. Everyone should know about the affair.

If a woman divorces her husband because he beats and rapes her, the kids don't "blame" the victim. Kids are not stupid and know where the blame lies: on the abusive parent. And adultery is about as abusive as it gets. Kids understand that very well.

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I would just keep trying to satisfy your spouse. Do what it takes. Change your look, lose weight, take on an interest they have, go on vacation. Keep trying and they just may fall in love with you again. Don't let the other person take what is yours!


You have to understand, sadbear, that a cheater is damaged goods that many BS' do not want. However, in many marriages here, we give the cheater an opportunity to earn our forgiveness and take steps to earn our love back. Cheating is a huge lovebuster that can cause a spouse to fall out of love. Cheaters are disgusting, but they can change their ways with some hard work. Just as in your case, your H fell out of love and did not want damaged goods. That is often the case.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
[What others do is up to them if infidelity happens but to me, this is the one unforgivable action in a marriage.


And that is 100% your right and your prerogative. NO ONE else, especially the cheater has the right to determine what spells success for the victim. NO ONE.


I totally agree. Oh! We're moving to Texas in 5 years. I absolutely cannot wait. I'm the last in the family left in Oklahoma. Everyone else has moved to Arizona or Texas.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
[What others do is up to them if infidelity happens but to me, this is the one unforgivable action in a marriage.


And that is 100% your right and your prerogative. NO ONE else, especially the cheater has the right to determine what spells success for the victim. NO ONE.


I totally agree. Oh! We're moving to Texas in 5 years. I absolutely cannot wait. I'm the last in the family left in Oklahoma. Everyone else has moved to Arizona or Texas.


Sweet! I still have lots of folks up in Oklahoma. I may head up for a visit this Easter.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sadbear,

You are missing something completely. His W has left him and even now on a 6 day vacation with OM, while Wes takes care of the kids.

The issue isn't whether he wants or files for divorce, she can do that and if Oz is anything like the States he has no say in the matter.

People are recommending plan B which would keep her from destroying any more of the love he may have left for her with her behavior and that of the OM. She is the one that must end the affair, and while he can be civil and has been, the big issue is whether Wes runs out of love for his W before her affair ends. If he does, there is no rebuilding the marriage, because the BS does not have enough emotional strength left to endure the rebuilding. Your exH was such a man.

Wes MUST go to plan B soon because the OM is actively harassing him and his W is actively harassing him. If this keeps up, he won't have anything left to rebuild IF the affair ends in time.

As for divorce being a success, I agree with Mel on this, but I would state it a different way. Wes may lead a successful life IF he is rid of a woman that shows no remorse for what she has done to him and her family and has actively disrespected him and allowed her OM to do so as well. The goal here is not to save every marriage, although more can be saved than people often think. The goal really is to get people to have successful relationships and that often means ending the current one with as little baggage as possible. What that means is helping Wes give his marriage every chance he can and then being able to decide if he wishes to end it knowing he did all he could do and still be able to look himself in the mirror.

Everyone has a different breaking point, or the point when the love bank is empty. You cannot blame the bank for the robber (the WS) robbing it.

Wes can be a success if he divorces her and he can be a success if the marriage is rebuilt. He cannot be a success by just taking her back. That means she and he have to have enough love left to rebuild the marriage and right now that doesn't seem to be likely, but then again that is what plan b is for. To give the unlikely a chance to happen while the BS heals, protects and learns.

Does this make sense to you?

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 12/27/10 05:10 PM.
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Well, not exactly.... He did not divorce me just like that. We really did try to make it work for almost a year after I had the stupid affair. I ended up moving out because of financial reasons and other issues (his continued alcohisim) etc. Maybe he did want to get rid of me though because he never changed those behaviors. I take full responsibility for what happened.

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T/J Sadbear I would say that your ex did want out but wasn't ready for that move for some time. That the divorce was hard for you I don't doubt.... especially if you wished to make amends and were unable to do so. However that too is a risk we take when we cheat ... that no real chance will be provided us post affair to save our marriage. I was VERY lucky. Two things among many I have learned here.. firstly ...reluctantly I admit ... is that not all marriages can be or should be saved..... and that there is NO excuse for affairs .... if things are so bad divorce.
Read lots here SB read lots... some of it is very confronting for a FWS... but you know if you can help but ONE person survive adultery .... then it is worth the time and effort you put into learning about MB.
Wesh needs some help so lets give it too him ... just remember to read the whole thread ... yes I used to post without doing that too and the less said the better (however Mel probably thinks the longer Aussie is away the stranger I get in any event). end T/J

WesH how are you doing today? I pray your kids will give you some comfort just being with you.


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Sweet! I still have lots of folks up in Oklahoma. I may head up for a visit this Easter.


Lemme know! The Beautiful One is always looking for an excuse to get out and have coffee. Maybe we could all have coffee together if ya' come up here.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Thats awesome, I will give you a shout!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Guys,

It is always great to have the kids, they can always make you smile.

The one thing that hurts the most out of this is the constant lack of "respect" for me. Even if she believes our marriage can't be saved (an it can be) what about "Respect" for me being the father, a provider, a teacher, a home dad, not to mention the new stresses place from dropping to one income - they just don't care - and they just don't see how this effects the children.

I get very resentful, she moves out, gets rent assistance, get child maintenance, get family assistance Part A&B, gets low income health care card (so basically discounted most things)
and I the BS (and I've had a kidney transplant) have to pay full price for medication, mortgage (but at least I'm at home), all bills for home and have had to take on 2nd night job to keep the house for boys when i don't have them. It is not like I'm having a holiday. I know its ranting and raving but it is very unfair.

On the last 3 occasions she has also been late with the children. On Xmas day she dropped them to me, 2 hours later than she said. No apology nothing. They talk about dealing with a alien, well this is definitely not the person I had dealt with for 15 years.


H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

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Hi Wes,

well, I hope you had a good Christmas with your boys. You haven't posted in awhile, and your last post indicated your anger and frustration over your situation. I understand, and that is okay.

A peaceful Christmas here. Very nice Christmas Eve with Char and my son and the shrimp scampi. Then our son went to his gf's and then a movie with Char and some serious cuddling and then to bed....what can I say! We even had snow overnight.

I have the feeling you are shying away from here. I know, quite a few people chiming in and you probably feel uncertain about this site. Look Wes, you need to get advice, but more importantly you need to do what is right for you and your kids at this point. I could post a lot of things about standing up for your M and how your WW is treatign you, but in the end it is up to you. You period. Maybe she is lost to you. You don't know that right now. All I know is that I would kill to protect Char. Fortunately I have not had to as yet. I did have to fight a little yesterday. She was sick on Christmas night and yesterday with stomach upset and diarreha, and so I cleaned up, bought an over-the-counter medication and brought it back to the nursing home for her when we took her back. The nurse there tried to refuse to accept it and administer it until my son and I made sure she was looking at a complaint. Talked to Char this evening and she is feeling better and the medication was administered. Well Wes, this probably means nothing to you. It is not technical or expert, but it comes from my concern for you. I am in a situation now that I can look back on my life and feel comforted that my wife is still with me with all my faults.

You need to be discriminating in who you listen to. If you are still interested and signed on here you need to listen to three people - Melody, Marital, and JustLerning. Someone like sadbear is an unfortunate distraction to you at this time. Melody will hit you over your head in terms of the expertise of MB and exposure as well. Marital is pure, and will kick you in your teeth, but then pick you up and hug you, and am not sure what Learning will do, but he seems wise.

Just good wishes,

Tom

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Well, now been 4 days and wife hasn't called about the kids, just to enquirer how they are getting on. Maybe not a biggy for many, but i hate not being in my kids life everyday and she use to hate it as well.


H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

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When they become wayward, they don't care about the kids as much as they used to. This is really pretty typical. Hang in there.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted By: WesH
Well, now been 4 days and wife hasn't called about the kids, just to enquirer how they are getting on. Maybe not a biggy for many, but i hate not being in my kids life everyday and she use to hate it as well.
She's in the thick of the fog, Wes. I'm sorry. That's where she is right now. And - here's a good thing - she's hating that. She's hating not having her kids.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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sadbear,

Forgiving infidelity after it happens over and over again shows a complete lack of self respect by the betrayed.

Divorce is not easy and it sucks, but the best thing my ex wife ever did for me was leave. It hurt like he11 at the time, but she actually did me a favor and liberated me from taking care of an overgrown child with no morals.

Considering where I was 5 years ago to where I am today, divorce was a success for me.

Wesh, go to Plan B. I'm convinced now more than ever that Plan B will protect your emotions and let you think clearly while you plan your next move.

Divorce is inevitable if the spouse refuses to stop cheating. Anything else is simply self inflicted abuse.

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Hi Wes,

Just chiming in to wish you a Happy New Year!

Just stay as true to your course as you can, and don't let her 'fog' or misplaced feelings get to you at this time.

Tom

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Well to all my friends here at MB, a big "Happy New Year!!!" only 3 hours to go here in Perth, Australia

But... unfortunately not to much celebrating tonight.

I have taken my 2 boys down to the beach, had a picnic and we watched the sunset on the last day of the year. It was beautiful, remember it is summer over here at the moment so shorts, thongs and singlets weather.

The hard thing for me tonight however is WW has made no contact at all since Christmas, the boys have asked after her tonight. I was so tempted to send her a text but what after she did on Christmas it meant Plan B was the only option. It is horrible, but she would be expecting me to text first. AHhhhhhhh!!!

Last edited by WesH; 12/31/10 07:32 AM.

H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

D Day 2nd August 2010
Plan B 25th December 2010
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singlets?

Is that some kind of metrosexual crap? MrRollieEyes

grin




Why can't these foreigner's speak English? rant2

Last edited by TheRoad; 12/31/10 07:39 AM.
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Just making sure my texts are ok with the concepts of Plan B

Well as expected the text comes this morning.

"Hey Wes, hanging out to C boys, will b there in half hr thanks"

Haven't seen or heard from her since Christmas.
I replied.

"Then back to normal schedule, I will have them 5pm Monday"

She came to the house a bit early (10 minutes later) and I was still trying to get boys things together. She came in the house (Noooo) but I didn't see her do it as i running around getting their gear together. She patted her dog for a minute just inside the house.

We didn't talk, I couldn't actually look her in the eye and she was gone. It was extremely hard for me not to talk to her after 15 years together. Did I do this right?

Last edited by WesH; 12/31/10 08:19 PM. Reason: spelling

H : 36
WW : 35
Kids 3.5 / 6.5
Together 16 years
Married 6 years

D Day 2nd August 2010
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Does not sound like you are in plan B sorry

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Plan B is...

No seeing eachother
No texts
No emails
No FB
NOTHING!

If you can't find a way to do that then you are not in plan B

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