Well, Christmas sucks this year. Took WS to the Nutcracker ballet Thursday night. (Something we had planned a couple of weeks ago.) That actually went reasonably well, we had a good time. WS came over last night for dinner, and spent the night (in DD11's bedroom), to help with Santa and so she could be there on Christmas morning with the kids. She was in rare form from the moment she walked in the door. Very good to the kids, very obviously cold and indifferent towards me. (Kids even noticed it.) Well, this ticked me off. I didn't really blast her, but when we left the house to pick up the gifts at my office, I said some things to her that I have needed to say, mostly about the damage she is doing to the kids. I think it is time for Plan B.

Oh, I forgot to mention- as expected, she didn't want me to accompany the family to MIL's house, so at noon today, I had the privilege of sending my kids off to their grandparents, while I stayed home alone. Kids are back now though, all is well. Merry Christmas to everyone on this board, especially to all of the BS who may be struggling today. It's a tough day, but survivable. Hang tough, my friends.

Go to plan b now, write your letter up and post it

We are all out here TD. You are so right. It is tough whether the WS is still living with us or not. All the best. Merry Christmas!

I am sorry I did not give you any new ideas TD. I just got here too, so I am no one to take advice from, but I was hoping to give you an idea.

Honestly Steve gave me some really good advice, and sent me in a direction I was not really looking to go. Its paid dividends in the last week - even if I was reluctant to not play hardball.

Can you find the $200 somewhere? I hate to even suggest but what if you told MIL you had a line on someone who might help?
I know, I know I wouldn't like that either..

Just trying to help man, Steves probably cracked tougher cases thats all.

Also, you CAN email the radio show and ask DrH HIMSELF. They will even give you a book. Think about it.

Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas TD. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I really hope the holidays will be better for you next year.

Thanks for all of the kind words. Things are okay. I have had almost zero contact with WS since Christmas. We have exchanged a couple of emails re: the kids, but that's about it. Older kids (DD18 & DD15) are now refusing to go over to her place to visit. I need to get a Plan B letter together. I am going to try to schedule a session with the Harley's after the first of the year.

Sorry you're still struggling with this. I think it's a good thing though that your older DD's are refusing to see their mother. This is only going to drive it home even more to her what she is doing to her family and what it is that she stands to lose if she continues her wayward behavior. Plan B, once you enter it, will do that even more. I strongly suspect that your WW is really going to realize what she's throwing away once the OM is faced with meeting all of her EN's. From the way you've described him here, I don't think it will take him long at all to fail miserably at that, and each failure on his part will just open your wife's eyes a little more as to what she's giving up for this loser.

It's difficult to see those that we love suffer, but sometimes, you just have to let someone hit rock bottom before they finally wake up and realize what they're doing.

Hang in there. You're doing good.

Thanks, writer1. I think you're right. WS has already reached out more to kids since DD's refused to go to her house. It has seemed like she was just getting the kids to "check the box", if you know what I mean. I think their refusal to go with her has been quite a shock to her system. MIL has used the exact words as you- says WS is going to have to hit "rock-bottom" before she wakes up. Problem is, none of us knows what "rock-bottom" is. Last night, as I looked around at my kids, I realized that this could be so much worse. How any mother could choose to be apart from her children is beyond my comprehension. It is definitely the fog of the affair. The one week that I spent living apart, when WS insisted that I move out, was a week of pure hell. To know that my children were less than a mile away, and I was missing out on their lives, was almost more than I could bear. I have to believe that this will sink in with WS eventually, if she ever gets tired of living her second adolescence.

I can't tell you what rock bottom will be for your wife. It's different for everyone I suspect.

My A lasted for 6 months after D-day. During much of that time, I was openly communicating with the OM while still living with my H. For most of it, I was dead-set on ending my M and being with the OM. I even flew across the country to be with the OM (twice). I lost a ton of weight (I think I got down to 114 and was starting to fit into my DD 17's clothes). I was stressed beyond belief. I was suicidal (I even bought a bottle of sleeping pills to take care of the job). Much of the time, I thought I was going absolutely crazy. I considered having myself committed to a mental institution. It wasn't pretty.

I think I finally just came to a realization of what I was doing to myself (and to everyone that loved me) and I knew I had to put an end to it. I knew I wasn't going to survive if I didn't. My kids (and yes, even my H) meant enough to me that I just couldn't do that to them anymore. So, I stopped. I stopped even though I thought I was still "in love" with the OM and I didn't feel much of anything for my H at all. I stopped because, even though I wasn't having those feelings for my H (because of the murk of the "fog" I know now), I also couldn't really fathom a future without him. I could imagine a life without the OM in it, but I just couldn't imagine one without my H and kids. I stopped on the blind faith that I could fall in love with my H again if the OM was out of the picture. It was unbelievably difficult at first, but I clung to the hope that it would get easier with time, and it did.

I can't tell you how your wife will respond to Plan B. My H never made it that far. He stuck it out in Plan A, and almost exactly 6 months after my A began, it ended, mostly because I saw how hard my H was fighting to keep his family intact and I just couldn't walk away from that.

Total, you need to be either in full Plan A or full Plan B. Right now, you seem to be in a sort of Plan B. One that isn't too dark and in the long run, won't be very effective either.

If you are going to go to Plan B soon, you should ramp up your Plan A efforts for a few days to a week before you enter it. Get all of your preparations done for Plan B. Get yourself ready.

Scotty, you're absolutely right. I am on the fence, not certain about Plan B yet, as I feel it is a point of no return. Also, I am not satisfied with my Plan A, especially over the holidays. Because of my internal struggle, I have just been taking a little break from WS. I know it is contrary to the plan, but it is about all I can manage right now. So vets, release the 2 x 4's.

TD,

Backing off a bit and avoiding love busters is part of plan A, you are doing nothing wrong. Plan A does not mean fully engaged 24x7. It means planting the seeds in the WS's brain that things can change, you could forgive, and that things will be better if...

Plan B is not the end either. It preserves your love for her. Once that is gone, no matter what she decides there is little chance for recovery. So plan B buys you time, let's the affair have more time to end, and preserves some love for her which you will need IF you decide to try and rebuild.

Plan B is NOT punishment, banishment, it is preservation.

Hope this helps.

JL

Thanks JustLearning- that is exactly where I'm at- backing off a bit. My love for WS is still intact, which is why I'm reluctant to go to Plan B right now.

Just got off the phone with MIL. She wants to come to our house once a week to help out with the housework & the kids. I said sure, I appreciate it. WS will not be happy about her mother coming over to handle her responsibilities. MIL also let me know that she has written her a letter that she plans to deliver to her this afternoon. This is in response to the exposure of her renewed contact with OM. WS will be furious about this. I'm certain I will get a call from her the instant she reads that. Oh well, let the consequences of their actions fall squarely upon their shoulders. Happy New Year.

Good Luck, stay on script. She did this, not you.

Good work!

ya good job!

I love your mil