Today I went to the atty to get the papers in order for the child/spousal support hearing on the 6th. I thought I could handle this day. I couldn't.

First it started out the WH comming in the A.M. to get some clothes. He took enough for the next TWO days. This made me sad, as my addiction to him is great and knowing I won't see him left me feeling empty.
HOWEVER...Three days ago I took little slips of paper and wrote different words of endearments/sayings/hearts/kisses ect...on them and shoved them in the left pocket of ALL his jeans, that's where he keeps his money. Soooo, when he puts his hand in his pocket, he will pull out(hopefully)a small little note (reminder of) from ME!

I'm just so sad. I don't know how I ended up here. WH acts like he's a guest in his OWN HOME! For example: he's been doing his own laundry and he asked how much laundry soap and fabric softner cost. I asked him why he wanted to know and his reply was "I'm sorry I use so much of your laundry soap, I want to replace it." WHAT??? MY LAUNDRY SOAP? Well, came home from the attorneys and there was a bottle of laundry soap and fabric softner sitting on the counter. Made me cry.

I feel like we don't exist to him. And I KNOW we don't in his world, but it still hurts. He told me today he felt like he was just waiting out time until he died while he was with me and now he doesn't feel that way anymore.I really didn't know he was that distant from me emotionally, I thought we were just having a bump in the road of life, not a gigantic sink hole!

Sitting there in that office, discussing OUR children like they were things with price-tags on them(yes, I'll have one DS2 for X amount of dollars a month please)was heartwrenching for me.I know that once he moves on Saturday he probably won't come around to see the kids at all. Out of sight out of mind, that's his philosophy.

I think with him being an alcoholic I have been in a dysfunctional relationship for so long I don't know how to be functional. I hope Plan B helps me be functional again.

Just continuing ranting from my post above.

THis morning I awoke in such a panic.My first thoughts this morning were of WH and OW shopping together for stuff for his new apartment. Little things like laundry baskets and plates and glasses, sheets and towels. OW picking all this stuff out for him so he is constantly reminded of her presense in his new apartment. AAAARGGGG! My heart started racing, my head was spinning. They are making MEMORIES!!! Erasing the little bit of memories WH may have of US, HIS FAMILY, and replacing them with memories of HIM and the OW. Out of sight, out of mind, like I said, my WH philosophy of life.

Then I dragged myself out of bed and walking down the hall I passed DS2's room. He had gone to stay with my sis & family about 90 miles away for the holiday. His door was shut. Why was his door shut? Because I had shut it when he left. He had left it in such a dissary I couldn't stand to look at it, knowing I was going to have to at least venture in and straighten it up before he got back. OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND!
But then I realized...sooner or later that door is going to HAVE to be open, and I'm going to have to look at that mess and face it head on and get it cleaned up. So like that messy room, my WH has closed the door on his messy life. That made me feel better. I know, one day, on God's time (not mine) he will have to open that door and get in there and at least look at the mess he has made.

I have the PB letter ready to go. Should I leave it for him to pick up here when he gets his stuff, or should I mail it to his new address? Suggestions anyone.

Hmmmm. I don't know that leaving it with his stuff is the right answer, since you're iffy already about whether he will easily leave. I would say get him out first, and then either hand it to him as he leaves (after he has gotten all his stuff), or take it to him at work the next day.

I would not recommend mailing his copy, because she might intercept it and you couldn't be sure he had read it.

As far as getting her a copy, how much do you know about her? Can you send it someplace where he won't intercept her copy, either? Work would be very good if you know where that is, but I would NOT recommend taking it in person. Either mail it the day before you give the letter to WH, or have a friend deliver it right after WH gets his. Letter, that is.

Deliberately calm your thoughts. God is working in and through everything, and He is doing all He can without forcing WH to choose rightly. You're just about to turn over the whole thing to His care and keeping, which is scary and faith-building all at once. Focus on faith, and refuse to live in fear.

Yes it is very scary.

I know for sure he is moving. He has the apartment key. Gave me his new address. I don't know when I will see him again.

I was going to print the PB letter this morning, but my luck...no ink in the printer (darn kids print EVERYTHING they see on the comp!;)) SO I'll have to stop at Wallyworld and get some on my way to work.

I WILL hand it to him when I see him, maybe on Sunday I can get him over somehow and give it to him then.

OW does NOT WORK(hasn't work more than 15hrs a week in the past 8 years-lazy POSOW)and is TWO doors down from WH. How much do I know about her...uh, like EVERYTHING...she & SO were good friends of WH & I for years & years. I know she is a wackadoo on pills and an alchy with no morals and poor judgment.

She aint got nothing over me. I KNOW I am the better person.

I WON'T LIVE IN FEAR.

Thanks & Happy New Year to ALL!

Can you take it to him at work? Have a friend knock on her door or slip the letter underneath at the same time? Do you have her address to mail it? If you mail it the day before, she should get it the next day, just be sure to give WH his letter early.

Thinking of you today

Stay strong !

((((( hugs)))))

I DID IT!

I blocked WH phone number and txt from my phone. Now I won't/can't check to see if he called or txt me.

I have decided to give him the Plan B letter on the 6th when we go for CS hearing, that will probably be the only time I see him anyway.

I will send the OW a letter. I don't know her exact apt number but I know the name of the complex. Hopefully she will get it. I was going to put a note at the top: 'Since you and WH share everything and have no secrets, I thought you might like a copy of this letter for your records.' and at the bottom: 'I am willing to wait however long it takes for my husband WH'. Too much you think?

I am starting to feel anger toward WH. Is this normal? I think about all the LB he has caused me over the last few months and it builds up until I feel I almost hate him. Glad today I'm going dark.

Pray for me.

THank you.

Well done Mitzie! I know that is not easy, as you want to know that they are trying to contact you.



I think anger is totally normal, as part of Plan B you do go through a grieving process and anger will be part of it. Its good that you have some anger as it will keep you focused in Plan B right?

Just curious why are you blocking him today , but not giving him the plan b letter at the same time ?

I would think both would make more of a impact.

jmho

Funny didn't even cross my mind to block calls or texts from H. I just didn't answer the phone. Guess I still had that desire to know if he tried calling or not.

Me personally , I was waiting for it, my H was waiting for it & my IC was expecting it.
I went to plan b & for each day that passed the more I could disconnect the angrier I got. I still haven't flipped like anyone was expecting, still a little scared of that(shoe hasn't fully dropped yet syndrome). But that is part of the process I am told is anger. And you will go thru it , just not on your time line.

I would like to suggest that you hand write the plan B letter. In your best hand writing.
It took me about three tries to get a nice, handwritten letter (I was SO out of practise of actually using a pen for any lengthy writing in this new, computer oriented day).
I wrote my original, crafted letter on the computer. Once it was editted, wrote in pen on pretty stationary (bought for the occasion).

I also want to suggest you use the post script to the OW that is in the book
It is perfection.

Enjoy your last days in plan A. Plan A to the max before you pull up the drawbridge.

You need to get the letter to him right away, so he's not sitting around wondering what on earth you're doing. You don't want this to be a mystery.

Let him know today if you can, and drop OW's copy in the mail Monday. Definitely leave off the first part about no secrets - that sounds catty. You want to come across as classy.

Something simple like, "I love my husband and will be waiting for him" would be fine.

I agree about that first line. I wouldn't include it either. I didn't remember the one from SAA, so I wrote,
I LOVE Neak's suggestion.

This was a quote by ConstantProcess I found on Wolf_Not_Cougar's thread:


I had tried a couple times at Alanon about a year ago. I really, at the time 'didn't get it', I guess I just wasn't ready to admit I was a co-dependent and my H was indeed an alcoholic. Now,for myself and the sake of the kids, I will go back. Last night my DS2 came home from a week long visit with my sis & family. He had fun with his cousins & did a lot of 'family' things with them. Now he is home...and his dad is moved out. There isn't an Alateen where the Alanon is, plus at 15 it would be such a struggle to get him to go, but I will try to find one when I go back to Alanon this week.

Alcoholism really is a terrible disease, isn't it? It has trickled down in WH family for I don't know how many generations. In my WH immediate family the alocholism/violence/mental abuse was NOT discussed in their home, they had to live in denial and secrecy. Even to this day my FIL's drinking is very, very rarely ever mentioned. I have been very open with DS1 & DS2 since they were small about their dad's drinking. WH would chastise me and say it was 'disrespectful' of me to talk like that in front of the kids(about his constant drinking and drunken behavior), I would tell him "the truth is never disrespectul."

Last night, looking at the half empty closet (he took his clothes but left a bunch of 'crap' still in there)I realized that WH wasn't comming back, I don't think ever. I feel he got his own place to be with OW(have a place to screw around) but more so, I think he left so he could drink without having to account to anyone or be responsible for anything. WH is a functioning alcoholic, or should I say 'was a functioning alcoholic'. I don't know now given his present behavior of calling off work, so I don't know if he will ever hit his rock bottom.

I am sad, angry, hurt, glad to be free of the elephant in the room and the constant worry, heartbroken, and releived all at the same time.

Having WH phone number blocked on my cell was kinda freeing for me, no calls no texts...I didn't have to keep checking and reminding myself that WH just doesn't care about me or his family.

Friends that have seen WH & OW have told me how WH acts with OW at the bar they go to (EVERY NIGHT) and it amazes me that he acts with her the way I act with him! He hugs her and puts his arm around her, rubs her back, calls her sweetie and babe, holds her hand...all gestures I do with him. What the heck? Is this some type of mirroring WS do with the OP? Like, he knew he was loved, he doesn't really know how to show love, so he acts like the person that loved him to the OP whom he 'thinks/feels' he loves? Crazy...

Sorry to be so long and borrrrring, but I just had to vent this morning. Venting and three cups of Costa Rican Dark Roast keeps the fingers flyin' in the morning

Mitzie,
I'm glad you are aware enough to write:
Many people affected by chemical dependency issues never "get" the sad role that inherited inclinations paly in this blight.
This is all the more reason for you to make whatever arrangements you must (AlaTeeen, or alternative) to ensure that the tragedy-line ends with your WH, and DOES NOT continue through to your DS15.

Just sending a quick hug, since I will be gone most of the day. Find a way to get that letter to WH asap, k?

My WH, who is an active alcoholic, has not seen nor spoken to either of this DS's since Christmas. No phone calls, no texts, no 'popping in to say hi', nothing.

Is this fog or alcohol? Both? How to distinquish between the two, or are they both one now?

What has to happen before the 'fog' lifts? Hitting rock bottom and stop drinking? How does that happen when WH is screwing/prartying/'in love with' an active alocholic/dope-smoking/pill popin'/drug user POSOW?

I have not seen nor heard from WH since Dec 28. Dec 30 thru Jan 3rd(today) is his 5 day long week end off from work. He moved into his apartment(same complex and close to POSOW)on the 1st. I probably will not see him until the 6th at the CS hearing. I have gone dark in Plan B for 3 days now. I find it's not that hard for me (yet) I am angry at WH now so that probably helps me stay focused.

Once I give him the PlanB letter & send OW her's what to expect next? I am sure he will contact me somehow and be angry at me for sending to her, how do I handle this confrontation, should he show up at our home in a rage?

I hope some people who have FWS that have had alcohol problems can help me!

Thanks
Mitzie

#2459315 - Today at 09:21 AM Questions about WS & Alcoholism [Re: Neak]

mitzie
Member

Registered: 11/04/07
Posts: 148
Loc: western PA My WH, who is an active alcoholic, has not seen nor spoken to either of this DS's since Christmas. No phone calls, no texts, no 'popping in to say hi', nothing.

Is this fog or alcohol? Both? How to distinquish between the two, or are they both one now?

I am going to speak only for myself as an alcoholic.

When I was a practicing alcoholic I hurt the people I loved the most although I would tell you I did not mean to.

I was confused, twisted, messed up, and warped with my thinking and emotions.

When I would look in the mirror I would see a person I hated. I hated the person I became. I had no clue how to get out of it. No clue what the solution was. No direction period.

I �MADE� problem after problem for myself and then blamed the people around me. I took my problems I created and used them to keep a crazy environment so I wouldn�t have to look at the man in the mirror. At one point in my life I would have shot him. ( EX of MADE problems-DWI/A�s/driving with DS in car while intoxicated)

There is a true fog that surrounds the real alcoholic. You will never really know them since they hate the way they are in their real life. They will hide it from you and make you feel like the crazy one. There is a hole in our soul that no person, place or thing on earth can fill. It a loneliness only a real alcoholic can feel.
What has to happen before the 'fog' lifts? Hitting rock bottom and stop drinking?

AIRTIGHT PLAN B. Spell it out as a condition.
How does that happen when WH is screwing/prartying/'in love with' an active alocholic/dope-smoking/pill popin'/drug user POSOW?

Airtight PLAN B. Go on living your life making it better any way you can. You can not cure his alchoholism.
I have not seen nor heard from WH since Dec 28. Dec 30 thru Jan 3rd(today) is his 5 day long week end off from work. He moved into his apartment(same complex and close to POSOW)on the 1st. I probably will not see him until the 6th at the CS hearing. I have gone dark in Plan B for 3 days now. I find it's not that hard for me (yet) I am angry at WH now so that probably helps me stay focused.

Once I give him the PlanB letter & send OW her's what to expect next?

EXPECT NOTHING. As long as he continues using he is sick.
I am sure he will contact me somehow and be angry at me for sending to her, how do I handle this confrontation, should he show up at our home in a rage?

Protect yourself and your children by any means possible. Call the police before it gets out of hand.
I hope some people who have FWS that have had alcohol problems can help me!

I am in the middle of the D process at this time. Currently a BS. There is no rhyme or reason to the addict/alcoholic. Add in A�s you just get downright crazymaking.

Insist He quit drinking and work a continuing program of recovery as one of your conditions. Let him get some recovery time behind him before you let your guard down

Go to Al-Anon. Dr H refers us there when dealing with an addict.
.

Nesre

Time to start preparing mentally for the hearing.

If there is no way to avoid seeing him or doing this separately, there is one very important thing to remember:

PLAN B DOES NOT MEAN PLAN RUDE!!!

By all means avoid every possible C or sighting that is within your power to do so, but when for any reason you bump into him or have to see him in court, be polite. Acknowledge him and say hello if he's nearby, or at least smile if he's across the room. Look and smell your best.

Don't be all chatty and flirty and meet EN's or anything like that. Dignified and classy sums it up best. There is a distance, but not a cold one.

Then, VERY IMPORTANT, go completely dark again afterwards so they don't take these little glimpses as an invitation to resume C.

Most of these can be avoided, but certain things like court dates, very important meetings with the principal for the poor kid that is having trouble in school following a separation, a kid in the ER, all those sorts of things do happen on occasion, and that's what you do.

Don't stress too much what he will do after he gets the letter. If he doesn't make C, then fine, you have succeeded in blocking him. If he does, then each time he gets through he is just letting you know an area you need to fix in order to keep him out. Not a big deal either way.

Very good post about alcoholism from Nesre - learn it by heart.

I'm getting ready for work and the home phone rings. I see it is my WH on the caller ID. I just let it ring. I figured he must have tried my cell and then home.

Not more than TEN minutes later his truck pulls into the driveway! I was shakin' on the inside, but thanks to all of YOU, I KNEW to remain calm on the outside.

He is rather furious/upset, hard to tell the difference from his lying face, about having restricted his number on my cell. Of course he pulled the old: what if I have to get a hold of you blah,blah,blah. I told him he could contact someone else if it's really important, or you could call one of your kids if it isn't. Then this conversation:

WH: I just don't get it(dramatic pause)you're texting me and calling me one day and then (ANOTHER dramatic pause)now you don't, I don't get it.

ME: Well WH, I just don't get it either (my dramatic pause moment)oneday your living here with your family...(pause)...and now your not. I just don't get it.

He looked dumbstruck. No, I mean he looked like he was dumb, like he couldn't comprehend what I was saying or meaning. It was quite comical now that I think about it.

He went out and into the kitchen where I found him. I asked him how his week-end went(just bein' friendly-askin a question) he made a not-good face and I asked why? You were out drinking and partying with your friends having a good time, werent you? He said a sad a little 'yeah'. I asked him how he liked sleeping on our air mattress over there and he said he never put it up. He said he was sleeping on the floor! Come on WH cut me a freakin' break! Your sleeping on the floor with no covers and no pillow, just on a carpeted floor? Yeah, I'm really going to buy that horse crap!

As I'm getting ready to leave, he asked again,this time in an alomost stern way, he couldn't undstrand why HIS phone was blocked from my phone. I told him: WH, I love you and it's too painful wondering if your calling, why your not calling, it's too much knowing you don't care about your family. His reply:
(real quiet with his head down) I do care. I almost couldn't hear him so I said 'what' and he said a little louder,but not much,: I do care, told him I had to leave, and as I was opening the door he said: Can I text you at least? I shook my head, looked right into his eyes (looked bloodshot)whispered 'no' and left.

there is more, but..........

I am sooo tired, long day at work (I work in a casino and boy could I tell you stooories) and just want to crawl into my coffy bed...alone...not realy, the doggie sleeps beside me now (he wasn't allowed before WH left. Hey, I love my dog, what can I say?) ARF!ARF! (dogspeak for "goodnight and sleep tight"