And doing nothing will get you a one way ticket to divorce is that what you want???

Ending the game now might upset her, but there are other options for her socialization needs... like your unit's family support network. The longer she continues with the independent behavior the harder it will be to stop it when you do return and address it.

If you do nothing else, you should at least use that CC to purchase His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and have them delivered to the house. Tell her that you would like to use this time apart in a positive way to improve your marriage.

For now.

Did you know I bought a plane ticket for my FWW's guildie?

Don't feel bad, I didn't know either. It was one of the last discoveries that came to light. I could never figure out why whenever I went to a travel site the browser would automatically fill in my home city and a date one week in the future.

It's not really the game's fault. Playing together can count as quality time, but playing separate can lead to disaster..

I've tried books before and counseling. She won't do it.

You guys are right, I should confront her as soon as possible, but please remember with me so far away she has direct control over whether I see my kids or not. If she punished me by taking away my ability to see them I would be devastated.

And I know she will. As soon as open my mouth the first thing out of hers will be, "YOU WERE KEYLOGGIN ME!?" and then I won't get another word in. It'll be pointless trying to talk to her after that. She'll know I was because she would never talk to people like this infront of me. She only does it when I'm not looking.

This was my initial thought on this situation too. Given that she is so resistant to giving it up and that she shouldn't have the time to play with three young children, my guess is that she is addicted to the game and that is a bigger problem at this point than any one of the OM.

Also I may be biased as I know a handful of people who are addicted to MMOs...my H was at one point too.

Chris, do you think she is addicted?

Hey, I just logged off!

Ok.

A lot of that banter is... bleh. Normal banter. Happens male-to-male as much as male-to-female and vice-versa.

Some of it DOES cross the line. I have played with quite a few females, and they hush the guys when they get too out of hand.

Keep an eye out for the out-of-game contacts, however; FB, email, text, phone - maybe even guild forums if you can.

The larger issue at hand is the IB/AH (independent behavior, annoying habit) involved with her play.

WoW replaced my wife because she pretty much refused to give me her time - it was a placebo that distracted me enough to stop fighting for my M. The end result, not so good.

The game will meet needs; recreational companionship, conversation, admiration. It did for me.

In your case, this is exceedingly dangerous, as you are deployed and unable to meet some of those needs.

Normal banter?

"Not like your penis"?

"Eat me"?

Surely neither "bleh" nor normal.

She talks to several of them through facebook. The same guys who she said she wanted to have sex with, used to tell our personal lives to, finances, sex life, etc. These are the same guys that continuously flirt with her, call her sexy every day, make sexual innuendos (like the one above where she said to "Eat me" and then "go slow" she was promoting the conversation).

I can go on forever on what she does that is inappropriate. These are just the beginning, she was leagues worse before but this is only 3-4 weeks in the running so far.

Just to clarify I'm not allowed to talk to anyone like this. Hell last time I had a female friend, I only talked to her rarely about motorcycles, my wife got SUPER JEALOUS. She jumped my [censored] once for telling this girl I had a meeting... Wife said that was too personal. Keep in mind while my wife is saying this to me she's having these conversations with these other guys.

So I avoid having female friends now because the headache isn't worth it.

At the least this is imho, a gateway to a full blown ema. Sounds like the game gives her the addiction payoff that an ema gives. She seems to be enjoying the attention from the male players.

And yes, it is stepping over a line. I do not believe what she is doing is fine.

How can you begin a good plan A and work on getting her to give up her game (which is like the affair partner)? That seems to be what needs to happen asap.

Wish you both well!

I don't agree that the problem is Independent behaviour - unless HHH means that all affairs involve independent behaviour. However, we don't normally diagnose affairs as "independent behaviour"; we call them "affairs"!

The problem is that your wife is trolling for sex, which is an astonishing thing for a married person to do. Your wife not only seems to have crossed over appropriate boundaries in marriage; she seems to have ripped up the concept of boundaries and thrown it on a bonfire.

Having her needs met for recreation and conversation by other men is indeed a serious problem. Talking to men on Facebook is a serious problem, as is not spending time with you. However, while all those activities can lead to affairs, in your wife's case she is actively having sex, if only at the moment via the internet.

Talking to men about their penises is not a problem because it takes time away from you or her kids; it is a problem because it is a remote form of sexual fulfilment. She is having online sex with other men. This is infidelity and it IS the problem.

I too am a recovered WOW addict.

The stuff is like crack and I spent close to 18 months of being sleep deprived at work, hallucinating while I was awake, thinking about killing stuff and when stressed at work all I could think about was whipping out 2 swords and attacking whatever it was. I realized I had a problem when I was answering a chat at work trying to plug in the game commands and my boss asking me what the heck I was typing!

My wife stopped responding to me verbally and physically during this time. I could not see it due to the addiction fog.

She started a job during this time, opened up a new bank account and told me as soon as the kids were out of school she was headed to her mothers - for good. It took me a good 3 more months of going cold turkey to shake it. I don't play anymore. I still feel the pull but won't let it take me again.

I'm still recovering from this crap. My relationship with my wife and children is still strained and I'm thankful for this site.

Get her off this game if you can. I realize it will be hard to do.

FTR, I agree 100% this IS infidelity and that it is a problem...but I am thinking along the lines of when Dr Harley says his plans don't work on addicts, alcoholics, etc. That's where I think Exodus was spot on in terms of questioning how much she plays, etc.

Like SusieQ, I agree with you about the seriousness of the problem, Sugarcane.

I also think SusieQ is correct in that an addiction to the game would add yet another consideration.

I brought up IB because 2 years ago they agreed for her to stop. She stopped, then waited until he was deployed and told him she was going to play whether or not he liked it. IB is always a factor in affairs and a major love buster even if there is no affair.

Chris is half a world away from three young children that need a lot of care. If she is spending so much time with the game that her responsibilities as a parent are being neglected, then I think that is the most pressing issue. At least it would be for me. It is also an issue that would need immediate intervention, even if he doesn't want to confront his wife about her inappropriate behavior with other men at this time.

I hate to do this again but what is IB? Is there list of acronyms somewhere?


To everyone talking about how much she plays, if I had to guess it would be 6-10 hours a day. She frequently plays in the morning between breakfast and lunch, doesn't log off for lunch (just goes afk to do lunch for the kids) then plays till around dinner. She usually logs off around dinner then logs back on afterwards and plays till around 12am-2am.

How she can spend that much time a day on the game and not be neglecting the kids or the house is beyond me. My daughter wakes up around 6-6:30am for school so I don't know how she deals with the kids with only 3-4 hours of sleep.

Well, it sure looks weird when we get one half of the conversation, don't it?

So, why do I say something about the banter being bleh?

Um, because blessing of protection is a paladin spell. I'm familiar with the game lingo.

So, I'm assuming that since you are dismissing the entire statement here, you've done a lot of online gaming? Yes? No?

I've actually played with ENTIRE FAMILIES on this game; Husband, wife, and kids, all playing the game together. I play with my nephew and my cousin at times.

Granted, it can lead to addictive behavior, or abusive behavior. And there is a difference. Neither behavior is excusable. I fell into the trap myself, and allowed it to eat most of my time and attention.

Like punk rock, and piercings, and "those dang kids" it's rather difficult to understand the language and behavior of a culture you don't belong to or partake in, especially if that culture doesn't care about your perceptions.

So, yes. A lot of what he posted is typical banter in the gaming world.

Yes, "Like your penis" is a phrase that's uttered when you are interacting with a demographic predominately dominated by young males.

So, before we start stating what's "normal" and getting all bunched up, let's remember that "normal" is a subjective term.

So, what was the REST of my post? To further gather intelligence; email, phone records, and if possible guild forums, if she participates, which will have a private message system. Also check IM/FB etc.

So, let's review the banter here;


A heart, a thanks, and an emote. Someone enchanted her gear.


Someone saved her from dying in the game with the paladin spell blessing of protection. Someone compared it to a condom.


Banter - she's behaving/speaking like those she interacts with. Someone likely made a statement about something working/being big/being hard.


Translation: FU, second part - adding insult to injury, after, the ^ means someone posted something funny or that she agreed with.


um, was looking forward to playing with somebody - likely a good ally in dungeons or raids, mocking them about being off owrk or something - likely talking about in-game items or items in the guild bank or something.


Emote and trash talk.


Somebody stood in the fire (the were playing badly)


emote, dirty connotation added to be "funny," and a response most likely to being deflated.


All emotes in game.


Trash talk.


got hit with a spell or attack - turned to dirty trash talk.


A joke at the expense of her H's last name. Nothing banter or cool about it.


Worth wondering about.


Trash talk. Could have been actual sex talk... hard to tell without the other half of the conversation...


Not really talking about what kind of stimulation, or what's being stimulated. Could have been acting word, and been called overstimulated.


Internet meme. Often attached to images of animals pouncing, people approaching from behind, or people with wide-eyed expressions.


Is it appropriate? No. But it's common banter in the game. Having spent 4 years and extensive hours playing it, I know it is. However, I also know that you can play the game WITHOUT partaking in those conversations, just like you can go to work and NOT flirt with coworkers.

IB= Independent Behavior.

Normally I'd agree with you that it is normal banter. However this person she is talking to just so happens to be someone she talks to outside the game frequently, calls, texts, and was the guy she said she wanted to have sex with and offered to meet up with him in Minnesota or Vegas.

Also I disagree with it being normal because I am not allowed to do it. Their is no mutual agreement between us that conversations like this are harmless. I can't even talk to other females, let alone talk to them sexually. I'm not saying I WANT to, I think it's wrong regardless. She wouldn't do it to my face or infront of me then she is obviously hiding it.

Not to mention she is giving these men attention that I have been begging for, for years. I wish she would have sexually charged conversations with me, but it doesn't happen. She is anti-sexual with me. But when it comes to other men... yeah it's no holds barred.

Can you not change how much of the finances she has access to? Do you not have any family near her? I know you've said that you've told her parents before. But speak to her parents again. They can be really good allys to you. And be honest and let them know that she will prob manipulate teh situation through punishment to you by you not speaking to the kids.

You have got to do something before this gets more out of hand than it already is

You need to address teh situation as far as how much time she is spending absorbed into the computer screen. I have a 2, 4, and 8 year old at home...there is no way I could find that kind of time to sit in from of the computer without some form of neglect happenign to the kiddos.

And at some point you're going to have to stand your ground in that she cannot speak ot other men that way. It is innapropriate and she shoudl know that you will not tolerate that.

I can limit her access to finances but as soon as I do she's going to know something is up. She moved back to our home town to be near family while I'm gone so yeah she is near the parents and everyone else. The problem with persuading her parents, which is what happened last time, is she'll just blow enough smoke up their butts until they back off. She'll lie and deceive them the same way she does me. However, if I'm going to approach my wife to solve this issue I'm going to have to rely on them to keep her in line and make sure she doesn't punish me.