I have never played a game online. I wasn't dismissing the entire statement, but I was questioning it.

Thank you for translating, HHH. I had no idea that these phrases were used in a gaming context. I see now what you mean about "normal" and "bleh" and I withdraw my comment.

I would reserve withdrawing you opinion until you compare those comments with the context in which my wife is using them, how close she is to this guy, and the offers they have between each other.

She assures me she would never cheat (physically) with any of those "losers" but she still continues to have these conversations with them.

Chris, I don't think that Dr Harley's vision is that one spouse should control the other in a marriage as if she were a child. The links and recommendations that I gave you in my first post on this thread are intended, I believe, for a couple to follow TOGETHER. POJA, meeting ENs and eliminating IB (independent behaviour) are things that both spouses must use to make the marriage flourish.

The objective is to get your wife to AGREE to build your marriage into a happy and romantic one. If she will not, and if she stands her ground on playing games, asking to meet men for sex and taking minimal care of the children, then you will need to Call it Quits. I know you don't want it to come to that, and that separating will be difficult while you are deployed. You need to turn the marriage around before it gets to "calling it quits", but I can see that this will be hard with your wife's independent spirit.

Somehow you are going to have to tell her that you know what she is doing and that it is unacceptable. There is no point in your gathering this data if you are not going to use it to protect your marriage and your children.

Could you try getting her agreement to being monitored? I wouldn't reveal the keylogger, but I found out only yesterday when researching parental controls for my own computer that you can impost these via the computer's own programme. With an admin account, you can ban access on another account to various applications like multi-player games, and you can limit the amount of time that an account can be accessed (e.g. 2 hours per day). You can also check the sites that the user has accessed.

If you can get your wife to agree that games can be addictive and that she might be spending many hours playing, and that this is harmful to the children, you might be able to get her agreement to restricted access. Obviously, if she has an admin account she can undo the restrictions, but if you agree that you will also check her usage when you come home (via the PC, not via the keylogger; that is secret, remember) she will see that it would be futile to lie about usage.

This will only work if she agrees that her gaming is excessive and that she is addicted. The idea is to get her to agree to your helping her break the addiction.

If you cannot get her agreement that her usage is wrong and harmful, then I don't see any hope for the longer term. You cannot run your marriage by cutting off access to games (or the internet as a whole), as if your wife were your child. If your wife will not see that she is neglecting her children, then you will eventually have to take legal action to make sure they are cared for - which means a separation and residential custody with you.

Since the language of online gaming seems to include terms that sound sexual, but that are not intended as such, then I agree with HHH that the language is not in itself the issue. Contact outside the game is the greater issue. I worry, though, about her saying that she would like to meet men for sex. Is that normal gaming language?

I'm going to stay off the language issue, because I shouldn't talk about something about which I know nothing. I do understand the general issue of context, and I'll leave others to discuss the gaming world.

ITA. Chris, I wouldn't even bother trying to approach her re the inappropriate conversations/bad boundaries with men until you can figure out a way to get the gaming to stop while you are overseas.

6-10hrs a day w/three children 5 and under is alarming. Very alarming.

Do you have any friends or neutral family members that you can quietly ask to unexpectedly drop by during the day and evening to see how the kids are being cared for?

The parents-in-law stop by fairly frequently. My wife continues to play even while they are there but she typically gets away with it because she cooks dinner and because the in-laws are so accustomed to seeing her playing games, even when they are around, that they don't even give it a second thought (going on 5-6 years, just on WoW). They aren't my idea of a perfect marriage either because their views on many things are flawed also.

I agree with the previous poster that restricting her access to things "forcefully" like a child will get me no where. She will get defensive, shut down, and nothing will be accomplished until I turn it back on and wait the required "cool-down" period. Getting her to admit to having an addiction, neglecting the kids, etc is a fight I've tried before (when I had 100% proof she was) and lost. I don't expect the outcome to be any different this time around.

I am not convinced the game is her issue this time around. In my opinion all it is doing is giving her easier access to these so called "friends." It's her actions with these guys that is driving me nuts. No matter what I do, I cannot get the physically proof I would need to prove she is neglecting the kids or playing too much. I just don't have this capability 8000 miles away. What I can get 100% proof on is what she is saying. Everything else is approximations.

Yes, I can technically remote into her pc and set up certain things, check logs, etc but there is a VERY limited window (20 minutes or so) of my day where I can freely access her PC and her not be on it (during my lunch break, and the internet here is super slow). So no I can't really setup anything extravagant.

I appreciate everyone's advice, keep it coming.

*EDIT: I realize my "not convinced the game is her issue" paragraph may be taken the wrong way so I'm going to clarify a little. I cannot prove it is the problem so I cannot persue it . It's highly unlikely that I can get her to admit to playing too much. There's a million arguments we've already had over this game and she will never admit to playing too much. I KNOW she is neglecting the kids--I know this because I know my kids. She is denying them quality mom time by playing so much. This mom time is very instrumental to their development as children. They are so used to being ignored throughout the day though that they destroy stuff, make huge messes, etc because that's what they know will get them attention. Anyways, back on topic, I don't feel I can honestly persue something I can't prove, and if she won't admit to it, then I'm right back at square one. If I straight out accuse her and say I know she is doing it, then she'll ask how, and immediately know I'm monitoring her.

No, it won't be. Because you're not going to tell her how you know, just that you DO.

Never reveal your snooping sources.

Trust me, I don't have to admit to it. She will know. She'll run every spyware, anti-virus, malware, etc known to man and she will find it.

She's not computer illiterate...

No, she won't. Because you're going to direct her spyware/virus programs to ignore the application.

But - can you physically get to her computer? Did I miss that you are physically away from her right now?

Yeah, I'm in Afghanistan

Sorry, Chris, I re-read your thread but couldn't find it - I read too fast, maybe, but when will you be home?

10 months

Darn. Okay, here's my take on this whole thing:

Your wife is engaging in inappropriate behavior with other men. I don't care if it's the parlance of the game. Language that filthy, while acceptable during gameplay, can find its way into the 'real' world of the player.

Personally, I would have a real problem with my H being online in an environment like that.

Your wife is engaging in addictive behavior. Any addictive behavior is bad for a marriage.

Your children are being neglected. I am not saying they are being harmed, necessarily, or that their basic needs aren't being met. It is just simple math. There aren't enough hours in a day to be the healthy parent they need if she's spending that much time online. The fact that you are deployed makes it that much more imperative that she be available to your kids, and not sitting online, using inappropriate language with strangers.

You are in a bad spot because you're not on hand to physically address this. But I would suggest that you find some way to curtail her online gaming. I'd like to see you cut her off entirely, but I think you'll have trouble with that.

Chris, I would suggest you lock up your finances and put her on a short leash with this game. Talk to her parents as well. Let them know what you're doing and why. Let them know that the amount of time she is spending on her gaming is interfering with her care of their grandchildren. Ask them to help you with this and support your desire to end, or at least significantly curtail, the online gaming.

I know you're running up against the possibility that she'll be furious at being curtailed on the game, but I think you'll need to do so anyway. I wouldn't allow the threat of not being able to talk to your kids to prevent your action on this.

Chris, isn't there someone on the base you can talk to about this? You are deployed in a very dangerous job, but your wife is cheating and your kids are being neglected. This is going to eat you alive and no one can function properly in their job with that kind of stress - and you've already got far more "job stress" than almost anyone.

Can you talk to a chaplin, CO, somebody there? Unfortunately, this kind of crap happens all the time and it won't be the first time they've had to deal with it. They may have more resources and help for you and the kids stateside. I hope you will look into this.

Ok because I have been in this situation and I had an addiction of wow and it caused the result of my infefeility what you need to do is this....

Limit her spending money each month meaning only provide things you know your children will need
Cut off your internet if she needs to email then she can go to the library.
If you are afriad to do that then limit the time on wow get the parental password you need to do....

Get ur wifes account information username/password
Go to this site Https://us.battle.net/account/parental-controls/index.html do what it says to make parental controls on her account u do not need her computer to do this. My husband did this when I refused to quit and he would only let me play from 9:00-11:00 when the kids where in bed.

After you do this re-expose to everyone I mean everyone facebook it if you have to but family, friends, neighbors, children needs to know

When your wife screams and yells just say you are doing this to save your marriage.

But even two hours a day will not fix the situation it will only limit her to her gaming hours, she will still flirt, complain, and talk trash and dirty when she is on. It might even go to the extent where she will give them her number so they can text during the day while she's not on....hence why I said cut off the net first

You also need to remind your wife that she is on a dangerouse road and if she still wants this marriage she needs to change.

Sorry for the mispelled words on my phone

Good luck

Can you cancel her subscription?

If you can I highly suggest you do it but make sure your money is safe so she doesn't pay for it. Get another account and put it all in there.

Who pays for bills?

Fyi when you have the parental controls on her comp if ur too afraid to cut the net it will only let her log in on the tmes you want her in as soon as it hits the end time it will automatically log her off.

Good post and I agree. I'm just having a hard time thinking she's actually going to take any of this in a positive way. If I mention anything about her playing too much, neglecting the kids, inappropriate language/conversations, etc she is going to wall herself up and shut me out. She isn't going to hear what I have to say because if I disagree with something she does I'm being controlling and/or untrustworthy.

I think being there physically is going to be my only way of fighting this issue. Plus I don't exactly have the capability to just shut her out of the finances. If I somehow found a way to, and I did it first, she would know something is up. And if I didn't do it first it's likely she'll shut me out before I get a chance to.

She has a way with words and can easily make me out to be the bad guy no matter what I say to her parents. I am not confident that they will side with me no matter what I say--especially after the lackluster help I got from them last time.

I think my parents are a better route but they never come visit and I don't think he'll be reliable enough to actually work in my favor. My step-mom kind of knows what's going on, more than my dad and my wife's parents, but her being disabled she can't do anything without my dad anyways.

If I try to curtail her gaming forcefully she is going to wall up and close me out, call me controlling, etc. If I try to bargain with her she'll just tell me she doesn't know what I'm talking about and deny everything.

And it's not so much that I'm worried she will be mad at me for stopping her, it's that I'm pretty sure as soon as I put my foot down she will leave me. And that's going to give her 10 months to build up her defense, prepare herself, etc for the divorce/custody battle. I can't prepare while I'm here. And I'm not really in a good place to be controlling the finances since she needs ready access for the kids, bills, etc.

Trust me, I know what I want to do, which is basically what you guys are saying, but I just don't feel my current situation is conducive with doing it appropriately, timely, or accurately.

Sorry guys, I know it sounds like I don't want to do anything. But that's not the case. I've been with this woman 12 years, I know her inside and out, and this isn't the first time this battle has been fought. If I'm going to confront her the same way I did last time (ultimatum) I feel I'm going to need a stronger prosecution than a few one sided chat messages.

I can't cancel her account, I can't even log into it. She has an authenticator and I can't do [censored] about it.

I can't limit her financially because I don't have the capability to provide her with resources in a timely manner if things come up. She isn't blowing money, that's not my concern. WoW is cheap...



I've thought about this since I can do it through my router. But once again if she doesn't agree to it, it's going to end badly for me. It will be no different than me shutting her off completely. She'll still do what she wants, talk to them how she wants, etc except only now I'm the one who is suffering the most due to her punishing me. Cutting the net isn't wise since I need to have contact with them and she needs net for bills. I don't have the time to go through the parental controls and get that detailed with it.

Your either going to find a way...or your going to find the excuses.

And all I hear are excuses you think not doing anything for 10 months is going to help you? Then sir you are mistakingly WRONG!!

If you sit and do nothing then you will come home to a wife that is pregant with STDs.

So my friend I have know idea why you even came if all your going to do is give excuses and if you think because you are deployed you can't do anything then go read sickoflimbos thread.

We are here trying to help you giving you things you can do to help your marriage are we saying ''oh poor guy he's gone for ten months and can't do anything to save his marriage boo hoo'' NO!

We are saying YOU CAN SAVE THIS MARRIAGE but if your not willing to do the work to save it then you will lose.

Sorry to be harsh but I'm tired of hearing people wanting to save their marriage but won't do nothing about it its an oximoron because when that divorce day comes you will be one of the reasons why u didn't save ur marriage. You just sat there.