OR....he may be playing them both. I suspect this is it because they are very worried about you getting through to the GF.


Won't they be in for a surprise!!???

I guess they will at some point.

Just wish it was sooner rather than later so we can try and repair our marriage if it is possible. I do, i am just not sure about my wife with how she is thinking at the moment (obviously with her being in the deep fog).

I have this morning sent two of the om's girlfriends contacts a message through friends reunited to ask her to get in touch with me either by email, text, or mobile phone.

I hope one of them gets the message through and she is actually able to follow through and speak to me. Otherwise i think i'll have to risk a personal visit to the om flat and see if shes there. I'll just have to be careful to avoid a confrontation with him. I don't know what i'll do if she has gone and moved on as i am being led to believe. My gut feeling tells me though this is not the case and she doesn't know about my wife and the affair, possibly just that her boyfriend has told her he doesn't love her anymore - just like my wife told me.

The words of "i love you but i am not in love with you" and "i want us to remain friends" haunt me every day, as well as "i am leaving you and not coming back ever" inever knew anyone could be so cold hearted in the marriage we had, there was no violence, no drinking, no cheating on my side, no money issues etc.

May i ask everyone please, does everyone who is having an affair eventually come out of the fog and realise what they have done, what are the events and scenarios that happen please?

I'd just like to be prepared for what may lay ahead for me.

Thanks again.

I am sorry you're here, neilc, but you have gotten some extraordinary advice from the correspondents here, and I can see that you are moving on the right fronts to attack your situation.

Of course, continue to seek OM's (former?) partner to expose on his end. But I did not see (or missed?) your saying that you have also exposed to WW's family - parents (if living), siblings, cousins, etc. Even if she did so, in blameshifting terms to present her affair in the best light, you should make efforts to get the TRUTH out there. TRUTH is your strongest ally right now.

Also, protect yourself from false accusations of abuse/violence. Get a VAR and make sure it's "on" whenever you talk to, or meet with, WW. Having it thus will do two things - it will record any outbursts from HER, and remind you, since you might want to use the recordings in any legal action, that your tone MUST be calm and reasonable.

The ones that usually come out of it are the ones where the affair has been exposed. In the cases where the affair is swept under the rug and there is no recovery, the fog stays around and often leads to repeat affairs.

NeverGuessed,

"But I did not see (or missed?) your saying that you have also exposed to WW's family - parents (if living), siblings, cousins, etc."

Unfortunately her parents are no longer here, her sister is being loyal to my ww although she has said my ww is doing the wrong thing and is making a huge mistake. My ww of course is listening to no one at present she is besotted with the om.

As far as cousins i have no contact details for them. My ww made all the contact we have ever had with them.


I'll get a voice recorder though this week and do as you recommend.

Thankyou for helping in this difficult time.

Thanks for the reply.

I am praying she will come out of this and then see sense with what we are both missing out on with this seperation and affair going on.

I take it i should be prepared for a long drawn out haul possibly months if she should ever come out of it at all.

Its now beginning to make sense to me as well, this could be a long war to try and win her back, not just a single battle.

The love letter is being posted to her soon anyway, should i also send a copy to the om or her sister?

Are there any statistical rates for success in what i am trying to do here or should i view it as just doing our best and getting on with it?

I feel desperate to try and get back on a level ground with her and try to rebuild things, but its so hard when she is "drunk" about the om. Its as if nothing else or no one else matters in her current life, just the om and her are all that she sees!

She must be in a zombie like state with how she is acting. In the 26 years i've known her i've never seen or known her actions to be anything like this.

This is very good news. Contnue to advise her of your calm. careful, efforts to get through to WW. As WW starts to have the almost-inevitable second thoughts, the person she may very well turn to would be this sister. Having her in your corner would be HUGE!

Send a copy to loser boy with a note that goes like this:

"I love WW with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."

This tells him you are not going anywhere.


I don't know of any statistics, but I do know the things we are telling you to do are the most likely to result in a reconciliation. No guarantees, but doing your best to leave a good taste in her mouth is much more likely to bring her back than the memory of your angry outbursts. See what I mean? When you blew up at her [which was understandable!!] it literally threw her into the arms of the OM and slammed the door shut.

By reaching out to her, you will not only remove her ability to demonize you but will become more attractive to her.

I would also try and enlist the support of her whole family. Tell them you love her and want to save your marriage. Be sure and tell them this guy is a player. I sooo hope the OM's GF calls you and gives some dirt you can spread around to her family so they will start a whisper campaign against him.


Mark my word, that affair is doomed and will start crumbling soon enough. You just have to position yourself to be there for a soft landing when it begins.

Let's say you get some good dirt from the OM's GF. Maybe she will tell you that he has had affairs with married women and took their money and dumped them. You can get that news back to your W by telling her female relatives that "I am so worried about WW!! The OM's GF has told me that OM has a long history of pursuing married women and stealing their money!!"

And you can also express your "concern" to your WW with such news if she starts speaking to you.

MelodyLane

You're an angel!

Letter is going to the om as well as you've suggested.

It looks like its battle on to get my wife back (but carefully and tactfully with everyones help here, esp you)

Thankyou so much todate.

Neil, she's given you amazing suggestions. There are a myriad of ways you can bust up the ema.

But the main one is through the exposure and also through schedules "interference" like Mel suggested (such as telling ww's friends and ww that om may have done this before, took money, etc).

There are a million ways to skin a cat as well as come inbetween an ema.

As far as the length of time in an ema? Well fwiw, I ended up going to plan B and plan D almost simulatenously long ago (7 yrs) b/c of extreme gaslighting and an incident of abuse w/xwh. My x actually remarried day after our D was final and the court house open (right after new years)and by year 2 barely (like 1 year 10 mos) he had actually asked me out again, but you see I don't date married guys (and that would include my xh) so he was totally off limits.

What you are doing for your ww IS A SERVICE and prob the kindest thing you can do b/c if she doesn't wake up, like Mel said, she will be resigning herself to a life of deceit and repeated affairs, failed relationships, and will make a whole mess of her life. My x is now in the middle of ANOTHER divorce, has spent time in jail for problems due to cheating combined with bad business practice (his co partner, the CFO fired him) and he has lost all of his precious $$ he used and lured in ow with.

He lost everything.

I'm just here to help my son thru another divorce due to his repeated adultery and the like...but you can change course and help her regain her life, honor, and dignity again. You can keep her from going down that road. But do be smart. Keep the var (voice act. recorder) hidden and on your person at all times b/c of the issues with some people and abuse (sure wish I'd had one on me back then, but the police did document my injury from being pushed).

Just do what you can and make a plan and work it! I have a good friend (and his w too and kids!) who used the MB plan to a perfect 100 percent T, even had to go to plan B and then sadly, plan D, but one year after he was divorced, his ww came to her senses. They have been as of this month, happily REMARRIED two years! These lovely people were even at my wedding reception and I count them as lifelong friends! See? It works!

Turn the tides Neil!

Thanks for your kind help.

Its so nice to have such great people around me in this time of my most urgent needs.

I am actioning everything Mel has suggested as well as you and all the other kind people who have contributed here.

I have decided to push on and try to get back my wife as best as i can. I know it may not be easy and i may fail, but not through lack of trying.

I like your viewpoint on what i am doing is the best present i can give to her. I feel you are spot on and although deep down she is going through some sort of crisis (as well as me) if i can help her come out of this without me i will be proud anyway.

I sense from the past few weeks she is fearful of making a commitment to herself of even considering getting close to me again, i can't really explain what i feel other than by saying my gut instinct is she is either scared of trying again (cutting her nose off to spite her face), or is full of guilt, or to be blunt she really just doesn't love me anymore.

I am going to play the "sister pressure" card that has been suggested, and see where that goes in conjunction with the love letter.

In addition i hope the om's girlfriend makes contact at some point so i can apply more exposure and pressure that way.

If my ww does make contact with me should i play it really carefully so not to spook her?

I think at this time i should avoid talking about the om and the affair unless she brings it up?

If she does should i just skirt around it and talk about other things?

Just be as pleasant as possible but let her know how hurt you are by her affair. If you don't tell her this occasionally she will conclude you don't care very much.

I am hoping your letter will have a positive impact!

It is a war and not a battle. Work on killing the affair through exposure. I don't know about statistics, but I pulled my wife from the fog through exposure, and being the man I needed to be for her emotional well-being.

She will continue to be a zombie until the "fairy tale" is subjected to reality. In your case, it could be a while if they are already together.

I didn't stop fighting, and I regained my wife of 20 years. If I would have thrown in the towel, I would be a divorced father of two kids right now, and she would have moved in with the OM.

FIght for what you believe in, even if the results aren't what you would hope for. You only lose when you fail to fight.

The om's girlfriend has replied to my message!

Seems she's burying her head in the sand.

Copy below:

XXXX.

Iam the XXXXX you seem to be so desperately looking for.

I dont really use my Friends United page, so the information is out of date, however Iam still in a relationship with xxxx, as of 8 years.

I didnt appreciate the message you sent me and the amount of personal information you have received about xxxx and myself. If I was in your situation I would have dealt with things alot differently. Your message has not come as a shock to me, I have had my suspicions over the past 6 months. However Iam putting this behind me and want to repair my relationship with xxxx and move forward.

However, I think it is a bad idea trying to contact any of xxxxx family, this will not make things any better. xxxxx father is in ill health at the moment and would put more strain on a stressful time. I also urge you not to go to (his work) or my home again. I understand you are angry and frustrated but this will not encourage your wife to return to your marital home.

I have spoken to xxxx in great detail about your message, and he assures me xxxx has not left you because of him, and their affair was not sexual.

Please respect my privacy in these trying times.

Kind Regards
xxxxxx

Help please...

Classic!
But:
HE wouln't lie, would he?

And poor "Daddy" is feeling poorly?

Perfect. Tell him, quickly, before he inconsiderately dies off, that his son is a slimeball seducer of married women.

THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY THE OM'S GF. That was written by either the OM or your wife. He gave you a GREAT CLUE here by telling you not to contact his family. HE IS SCARED YOU WILL CONTACT HIS FAMILY. The solution is to contact his family and expose the affair!

3 words; family hardship discharge.

Look into it, Chris.

Melody I thought the exact same thing when I read that letter that is not the om g/f it is the OM!!! So do it now expose to his family/friends/work etc..