You and your wife have been together since you were both 14 years old?

ETA- I agree with Sapphire. Finding agreement that your wife is crossing a line isn't going to change anything. You need to DO something to bring about change.

Sorry, you're right. I need to man up and take control. If she's blatantly damaging our marriage and I'm not doing anything to try and make it better then I'm no better than she is. If it blows up and she leaves then at least I can say I tried.

I'm going to get an appointment with a chaplain and go from there. Thanks for all the advice MB'ers!


Correct.

Chris, if you continue to operate from a position of fear you will not end this addiction.

Of course your wife will be angry! Take an addict's crack away and they howl like a banshee! As a matter of fact, how much she howls may be a good confirmation for you and your ILs over just how addicted she is.

You're right. See above post.

Exacly atleast you can you tried

Chris, you are in a combat zone setting your own life aside in defense of others. It's almost ironic that you are afraid of tackling this situation. You're going to have to stand up for your marriage or it's going to get worse. As boundaries are crossed, that line gets blurred more and more. Teh hardest part is starting this. You know what will happen if you do nothing. Listen to the ones giving you advice, these are the ones that have been through this and are giving you what works.

You need to call her parents and tell them how you feel. Give them direct quotes from her playing log. Tell them whether it's game talk or not, the same talking is happening through off-game conversations. You also need to tell her that the way she is speaking to other men is innapropriate.

Exactly. And your children will know this, too. Right now they are helpless in the face of an addict's neglect.


Good, good, good - believe me, they see this stuff all the time (I know we sure see it all the time here) and they will certainly give you some concrete help and support. Let us know what happens.

If she is friending them on FB, it HAS. If she is calling and texting them, it HAS. That IS a problem - and later on you NAIL the actual problem.

As far as "language that filthy" , and sub-cultures really don't care about the judgment of outsiders.


Oh yeah? Enough to engage in angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments against your spouse? Because THAT'S where this line of thinking goes, dear. Using your "superior" position to educate your spouse.


BINGO!.. Kind of. If it isn't textbook definition of addiction, it is, at a minimum, the textbook definition of abuse! The OP is a further symptom of the problem, in ADDITION to being a problem on it's own.

In fact, Chris - if you were to snoop and find NOTHING giving solid evidence of anything other than gamer's banter - I would STILL say you have a situation that is EXACTLY as dangerous as an affair, and that in and of itself, exacerbated by YOUR behavior towards her, could easily lead to an affair.

You stated YOURSELF you have had several "arguments" about the game. Even were you to change the operative term here to "discuss" I know the deal; you engaged in Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, and Selfish Demands.

It didn't have the desired effect, now, did it? I'm willing to bet the more you AO/DJ/SD about the game, the further she dug in.




Neglect, in operation, IS abuse - it is just a TYPE of abuse.


Moreso considering this possible attachment to an OM - HOWEVER, that must be CONFIRMED. If there is heavy evidence, then the game has to be left behind as a part of NC - just due to recent advancements in the game where players can track each other through any of the companies games at any time while they are logged on.

If she has taken this interaction too far, all Blizzard games HAVE TO GO.


This where things are going to come down to a harder line.

Is this actually addiction, or is it abuse? There are behavioral and physiological differences between the two.

Unfortunately, with Chris on deployment, he isn't going to be able to integrate behaviors of his own to fight the addiction and make more of a determination.


Due to your situation, Chris - I would absolutely recommend the eyes and ears of family members - no need to be pinpoint specific - just state there are some behaviors she is exhibiting which are causing you concern, and ask them to keep a close eye.

In the meantime, I suggest you do the absolute best Plan A that you can from where you are - phone calls, letters, pictures... whatever you can. You could really be a weirdo, and get yourself a copy of the game! You could hate it, you could like it - it would present an opportunity to interact with her, it would be you showing interest in HER favorite activity - and it would give you the ammunition you are going to need to draw her away from her drug of choice.

When YOU are more interesting than the game, when YOU are more fun to be with than being online - I predict she will come out. I predict that what is ACTUALLY going on is abusive play of this game, due to an empty love bank.

Of course, I'm making this prediction based on exactly how my last year has gone.

I quit playing for 9 months. Picked it back up in November - Not even sure I play in a week what I played in a day while FWW was ignoring me.

In all honesty, whatever the language, the fact that there is ANY CONTACT OUTSIDE OF THE GAME is a huge red flag, and a huge issue. The fact that it's gotten to phone calls and text is disturbing.

Those game logs are great for shock value, but absolutely devoid of any contextual value, or any sort of target.

In fact, reading through them and thinking about them today, they are all guild, party, or raid chat. Private messages would likely be preceded by an "r" keystroke. There is no way to tell who the actual conversation partner(s) are. Dropping game chat logs and going "SHE'S HAVING AND AFFAIR, SHE'S BEHAVING INAPPROPRIATELY!!!!! ZOMG I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGERZZZZ!!!!!!!" Is going to be nothing more than a gigantic disrespectful judgment.


So, yeah. Let's do some thought rearrangement here - this woman's gaming is a hobby, no different than; golf, sewing, horse riding, weight lifting, card collecting, reading that horrible author Stephanie Meyer, or anything else other people do to entertain themselves. All of those things have their own languages and expressions.

Oh yeah? Yeah!

If you are a Twi-Hard, I think you are retarded. Sparkly vampires, Volteary blah blah blah Edward and Jason... WHATEVER.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't be supporting your spouse in making further disrespectful judgements against you, rather I would be supporting them in ways to be more attractive than a book, and a more pleasant companion to your spouse.

Alright? Can we resolve this?

****EDIT******

I figured I'd be hearing from you on this, HHH. Allow me to address your rebuttal to my post.

"Filthy" is subjective. But it stands alone when it comes to two people who are married. If it's 'filthy' to a spouse, the gaming spouse needs to address that. I don't want my H to talk sex trash with strangers on the internet. I don't know any wife who does. Do YOU?
(And by the way, I will never back down on my opinion that referencing sucking a guy's d^ick during online gaming is just harmless gameplay.)

Nope. It's POJA all the way at our house. No AO's. No DJ's. We agree that we will not engage in any behavior that involves another person. That includes disgusting sex talk online. There is nothing good that will come from that. Pretty simple.

I'm going to disagree. Most of those comments are tells, and I know who to. I just took out the r's to not confuse those who don't know WoW. And yes she regularly chats via MSN/facebook to these guys outside of WoW, as well as phonecalls (obviously not with me around).

...

So I talked to her for a minute this morning. I was sitting online waiting for her to say something to me for 3 1/2 hours. She did not, yet she was playing the game.

So I confronted her about staying up so late (part of the addiction and one of the promises she broke).

Me: Why you keep staying up so late? It's not good for you or the kids. =/
Her: ummm, I'm pretty sure I'm a grown [censored] woman
Me: You know you promised me you wouldn't get out of hand with wow. I'm pretty sure staying up till 2am when you have to get up with kids is out of hand.
Her: You told me you're not going to be a nosy little [censored] anymore too
Her: I still get up with the kids
Her: And yesterday I stayed up late so I could get up ontime today (**she didn't get up til 1130 am**)
Me: Nosey? "Wife last logged on 12 minutes ago" when I log on at lunch kind of gives it away (**I got to lunch at 12, she is 9 1/2 hours behind me**)
Her: Don't [censored] worry about me
Me: Why call me a [censored] that's not very constructive or nice
Her: I'm fine.
Her: Why try to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing?
Me: It's my job to worry about you, you're my wife
Her: No it's your job to love me
Her: Not worrying about me staying up late
Me: It's hard to love you when you've broken every promise you've made me lately
Her: ...
Her: what the [censored] ever
Me: I have a right to express my feelings
Me: You think I'm lying about the promise? Name one promise you haven't broken since 2 weeks before I left (when I re-iterated our no WoW agreement, and she promised).
Her: I don't have time for this garbage
**Wife has gone offline**


I'm going to disable her access to the game. It's going to stir up a [censored] storm but whatever. Tired of her actions.

HHH, here's what you need to read.

Talking to her like one of your children who has misbehaved will get you... well, pretty much right where you are.

I called how she would act not matter what I said. I cannot talk to her about anything, no matter how I say it, without her walling up and shutting me out. I called it.

What are the <--- DJ things about?

Actually, thanks for that.


Chris... YOU PLAY?

So you posted all of this, half-conversation, out-of-context - AS SOMEONE WHO PLAYS THE GAME, AND KNOWS HOW THE PLAYERS BEHAVE?

SERIOUSLY?

Chris, are you here to try to save your marriage, or to gather amnmo and learn to control your wife?

Dude, I don't think that will happen. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER.

You CAN control YOU - you need to work on being more appealing than the game, bud.

Who was playing first? Did you play together?

My FWW could have EASILY been following the same script YOU just posted.

All you are doing is telling her how wrong she is, and why she is so wrong. You are driving her further into the game.

Have you ever had success with getting her attention with this strategy?

I venture to guess NO.

She is your wife, not your child. You are her husband, NOT HER SUPERIOR OFFICER.

If you want to beat this thing, LEARN TO MAKE CONVERSATION PLEASANT.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html

Chris, if you want your marriage to recover, YOU are here, YOU need to be the light. To do that, YOU HAVE TO BE THE SOURCE OF YOUR SPOUSE'S HAPPINESS!

Disrespectful judgments. I linked them in my last post.

The harsh reality about DJ's is that we often make them without the intention of pushing our spouse away, BUT THEY STILL DO.

Simply stated "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Now, posters in this thread can make all the DJ's about your wife and her behavior that they want. Why? Because THEY AREN'T TRYING TO DEPOSIT IN HER LOVE BANK, BUT YOU ARE.

In fact, if you take those posts and decide "hey, I agree with that!" and try to turn it on your wife, all it is going to do is blow up right in your face.

That was the FIRST thing I had to learn about posting here - the opinions of other posters, if used, must be used in ACTION, and/or using EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. They are not ammunition for your love-buster cannon, bud.

Well apparently I'm really confused on how to handle this. Communication may not be my strong suit.

Even if I do communicate effectively she still won't admit to having a problem so what's the point?

Chris, HHH is correct. I suggested that you send His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters to the house and tell your wife you want to use this time apart to make your marriage better. I assumed that you had read the information here. If you are not familiar with the love bank principles concerning deposits (meeting emotional needs) and withdrawals (love busters) then you should familiarize yourself with that information.

You say that she won't read the books, but you don't know that until you ask her to respectfully. Something along the lines of... honey, I love you and our children. I don't like the way we have been treating one another and think there is something that could help us. Would you be willing to try something new to develop a marriage in which we could both be happy and in love?

I read the articles on this site. But putting those words into actions isn't easy. To me it's all things I've always been doing. I've always done things, said things, etc to build up my love points with her but the actual value in her bank is still zero.

I know because I have tried. She's intimidated and defensive about anyone else, including doctors and authors, giving her relationship advice. I've had several good books recommended to us and she has read none of them.

Then maybe you should read them and begin applying the principles. When she sees the change in you, maybe she will be more willing to join you in the effort.