I've been married 16 years. About 4 years ago an incident occurred at a party where I was very drunk and ended up in a compromising position with another partygoer who was trying to take advantage of me. My husband walked into this scenario and was (rightly) livid. We talked about it and after much time and counseling for me we were able to move on. Now, about 16 months ago I entered into an Affair (mainly an EA with 3 physical encounters). My husband had suspected there was something going on but I denied it. I tried to disengage myself from texting the OM, but I always went back to texting after a period of time. After seeing text messages from the OM, he confronted me about the affair, which after much pulling and prying, I finally fessed up. I have felt terrible about the affair from the beginning, yet was unable to break it off. After he confronted me I definitely have ended the A. My husband is devastated, and after my history of betrayal, he is thinking of leaving our marriage. I still love my husband very much and we have 3 DS ages 13,11,& 8. He says he can never trust me and even if he stays in our marriage we will never get back what we had. I told him I am determined to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage, but he mainly says its up to him to see if he wants to stay married to me or not. I have not helped the situation by answering all his questions honestly when he asks, then he finds out I lied and is even more upset. I cannot understand why I still lie about the A when the A has been exposed!?!?!
I've read a lot of the MB articles, but my husband doesn't want to try any marriage counseling, and I don't think he'll read any of the MB articles.Do I have any chance in reconciling my marriage?

The number one thing you need to do is ANSWER ALL OF HIS questions honestly giving him as much information is your best bet.

The second thing is...he has every right to leave you, you can not change that, you were the one that was in the wrong and you can not simple change his mind. Infidelity is probably the worst abuse anyone can endure why do you think it takes years and years to recover a marriage after infidelity?

Also another thing you can do is to give up all the passwords to everything email, FB, phone, etc

No more drinking if I was him that would be my number one requirement if I was going to stay in the marriage

No more going out you are old enough to realize that you have other priorities in life other then drinking and partying, cut that out and start acting like an adult.

There you have it, if you can't do any of those things then he has every right to leave.

I'm so sorry for your husband, maybe you should bring him here so we can help him.

941,

I was very drunk and ended up in a compromising position with another partygoer who was trying to take advantage of me.

Whatever you do DO NOT BLAME it on being drunk, not here not to anyone, do not minimize. Trickle truth is murder on the betrayed spouse. No doubt your H now believes there was more to the previous encounter than he ever learned about.

Please read up on RADICAL HONESTY, it hurts but is the only way out.

God Bless
Gamma

I have given up all passwords to email, FB, cell phone etc., I have stopped drinking, and I will read up on Radical Honesty. ty

I know I cannot change his mind, and I know only time will tell if he can forgive me.

941,

mainly an EA with 3 physical encounters)

No matter how trivial the "encounters" you need to get tested for STDs, possibly your husband as well.

A polygraph might help as well as DNA tests for the children.

Does the OMW, other mans wife, know what happened?

And again try to scrub your language of minimization calling sex "encounters" makes it sound like your are talking about a yoga class or something.

Read some of the BH threads here to get an idea what is going on inside of your H head.

God Bless
Gamma

WE have a couple of marriages on this board where the wife played head games with her H so long that he is actually in withdrawal and the marriage may never come back. It is the lies after the affair that cause the most damage and I know some marriages that are permanently damaged because of that.

And what do you mean you "answered his questions honestly and then he finds out you lied?" That doesn't make sense. If you answered them honestly then how could find out it was a lie?

When you say the affair has been "exposed," to WHOM has the affair been exposed? Do your children and all your parents, family and friends know? Have you told them?

Is the OM married and if so, does his wife know?

Have you ended all contact with the OM and taken steps so this never happens again? [such as ending all opposite sex friends and opening your life to your H, by giving him passwords, etc]

That is a PHYSICAL AFFAIR not an emotional affair.


Have these kids been told the truth about your affairs?

jmh, I might very well be the FWW in the case Melody is referring to. I trickle-truthed my BH for 4 months after the A came out. I ended the A when he discovered it, but I lied to him - continually - about the extent of it and tried to get him to believe it was an EA and had not gone physical.

He found out the truth last January, but no longer believes anything I say. I looked him in the eyes and lied to him for months. I *thought* I was saving him more pain by withholding the truth, when in the end the withholding of truth caused greater pain - get it?? By the time I found MB, it may very well have been too late for us. My BH is in withdrawal and has asked for a separation.

Trust me, your words have no currency. Gamma's suggestion of a polygraph is not a far-out one. I did it. I would do it again, and again, and again if it would bring my H back to me. Give him - freely - all account passwords, do everything you can to show you are being transparent in your behavior. Look for threads about EPs and Opposite Sex Protection Plans. Read everything on this site. Get "Surviving an Affair" (SAA). In other words, if you are serious about wanting to save your M, get to work.