I'd encourage you to listen to what's underneath your son's message to you. Not the direct "dad left because you were never happy anyway" message but the message that you aren't happy with yourself, EVER.

I say this "gently" because it is a hard thing to hear.

You need a life. Not one that waits for your husband, but one where you don't need to know that your WH has or has not sought out contact with your son. Go out with your son and see the sights. Be a breath of fresh air for the rescuing he seems to be doing with you right now.

Your son is demonstrating that he feels responsible for your happiness especially because his father is such a failure and the cause of your pain. At some point, he's going to see that you are also making choices to be teary, weepy and generally unhappy.

I would vow to never have a conversation about WH with son again. Change the subject - WH is no longer a relevant force in your life.

Make sense?

Kayl, You totally hit the nail in the head. I am unhappy and my son knows i am waiting for WH to dump OW and see if he gets back to me. It is quite sad for my son to see his mother act like a poor little things who was kicked to the side of the curb and cannot get over a despicable husband....in a way it makes his dad look a lot better because at least he created a new life for himself, a life he seems to enjoy and a life he has chosen because he knows what makes him happy.
On the other hand, here I am, a pathetic thing who still lives in the past and in regret full of ifs, buts and whys....
I think my new year resolution is to never speak about WH again to anyone and to realize that I was really never truly happy with our without WH.
That is something I really need to focus on and it is something I cannot blame on anybody even if people choose terrible ways to hurt me I cannot use that to chose not to have a life....
blessing

Has your son gone back yet? There's still time to make a great impression on him. Don't tell him; just show him there's more to life and that you are interested in him and his interests today - now!

Atena, please stop talking to your son about his father. He is a kid who does not understand. All it does is tear you up. I agree with Kayla that you should focus on creating a great life for yourself.

The truth is that your H has made you unhappy with his independent lifestyle for most of your marriage. He is gone now and you have a chance to learn to be happy.

Hi Atena,

My concern for your son is that we do not want his views to become a legacy for his future relationships.

Even though your son is on your side and condemns his father, he mentions that it was your attitude that justified your WH behavior driving him to other women. That is a dangerous statement. No matter what the BS have or have not done -- there is no excuse for adultery...NONE. You do not want him to think this is acceptable. He needs to understand you work on the M and that married people do not date.

You do not need an explanation from a wayward of why he did this to your M. It is lies that only they believe.

Their is an old saying that says a "watched pot never boils" or something to that effect. As long as you are watching nothing will happen except to mess your own mind up. He put himself in the pot walk away and eventually it will boil over without your help.

blessings.

Hope, there is nothing i can do to change my son's mind about his dad, I cannot make him do anything.
My WH is a very smooth talker, incredibly smart and manipulative, it only took him a couple of hours with our soon to hypnotize him and make him believe all the bull sh@t he wanted to...and my son is not stupid. In a way he can see thru my WH, in another he is a kid who was used to a father who adored him and that now is faced with a harsh reality.

I agree with what Melody says, my son is not the type of kid who will understand. He did not take the stance he should have taken which would have been to tell his dad: look, what you did is revolting and I will not speak to you nor see you till you get to your senses again. But he will never do that. He knows he can easily lose his dad forever if he confronts him....
I will not speak about my WH to my son or anyone else for that matter. This is my new year resolution.
The forum really helps me as it puts me into perspective and gives me the fuel to make the changes i need.

I really need to create myself a life devoid of my WH and his life...which, by the way, I disapprove of and do not envy at all. That to me, it is not happiness, not for the set of values I go by...I could not live with myself if I did half of what my WH did to me. I could not do that to another human being no matter how unhappy he made me.
Truly, thank you all for your precious words and for keeping me focused on what really matters...to get my own life!!!!
blessing

hope, Atena and I both have great kids, but they are also the product of 1 corrupt parent. They have been put in a terrible position and desperately want to believe both parents and maintain the love of both parents.

I don't bring this up to my son anymore because it is too upsetting to me.

yes, I know what you mean Melody. They are great kids but there is corruption on one side. My son also sees my in-laws condoning adulterous behaviour from both their son and their daughter. Their daughter broke up a marriage: she is now with a man 15 years older than she is and he left his wife and child for her. My MIL and FIL say that their daughter is not responsible for the demise of a M which was already on the brink of ending...so I suspect that is what they tell my son about my M....
blessing

My MIL believes that affairs are nothing, that they simply mean the marriage was not happy. She puts no weigh on the OW or OM, she just thinks that when you cheat is because your marriage was unhappy....and you could not help it but look around...nice way to think...really! My mom never taught me that.She always told me that cheating was wrong and brought pain into people's lives.
blessing

Atena, my son has actually said to me "Mom, but look how much better off you are without him!!" This is what people say. And I try to explain to him that I am better off in spite of, not because of.

And I am sure he heard this from my own family. They don't say that TO ME, but I know they all think my current H is a great improvement and that somehow justifies my XH's adultery.

Oh well... I just can't drive myself crazy trying to make everyone agree with me, so I rarely bring it up.

Our pastor at our church gave a great sermon last month about children of divorce. He said that when a parent remarries that parent wants the child to be excited and really it is probably the most upsetttig day of their lives. Because a child or an adult child in their heart want their parents to get back together. It is death of a dream.

They love both of us and want that circle of love back.

And I think the proof that your DS wants the circle of love back is when he said that you and WH will never reconcile if you dont talk to him...that stood out to me...it sounds to me as if he was trying to get you to talk to WH so there would be that chance...it sounds like he is trying to be a mediator between you to so theres a chance youll get back together...such a hard position for him to be in...I agree with not talking about WH with DS...I think he is trying to fix something he has no idea how to fix.

The thing I really do not get is why DS, when his dad said: your mom still does not talk to me...did not tell his dad: well why don't you try to talk to her, after all you cheated on her not the other way around...
Also, why would he expect me to initiate talking to his dad? I guess it is because he knows his dad has no interest in talking to me and R and he sees me as the only hope to save the M.
Son believes that proximity with OW and distance from me drives WH closer and closer to OW. DS said that now his dad is alone and it is obvious he will cling and get more and more attached to OW who is the only person close to him right now.
Since I am out of sight and do not even talk to him it is only natural that his love for OW will grow.
I explained plan B to him and he understood the idea behind it...that actually letting the 2 cheaters deal with the mess they created without interfering might help the A to die...however, me talking to his dad will only make the A stronger...
blessing

Hi all,
I just got back from the big city after taking my son to the airport to fly back to the states.
I have finally figured out why WH saw my son for only 3 hours during my son 2-week holiday here in Italy.
Yesterday, as I got home I saw WH biking and parking in front of our apartment building to have lunch with OW and her kids.
This morning, as I was going to work I witnessed my WH driving OW's car with her daughter in front and OW in the back seat. I saw them stopping at a cafe to have breakfast. Then I saw them again in front of school, WH getting off the driver's seat and OW getting out and kissing him goodbye. This in a spot where any colleague or student could have easily seen them.
It is therefore official that WH is trying create a new family with OW and coax her daughter, who is very reluctant about the relationship, to accept WH in her life and eventually in her mom's apartment. I am sure he is planning to move in with OW soon and needs daughter to accept this. I am also sure OW is using all her weapons to pressure him into this.
All and all I do not see a foggy WH. He is the man I married, only ....with OW, not me.
He is kind, loving and spends lots of time with her and her kids. In the 3 hours he saw my son he spoke about OW and the problems she has with her ex. SO he cares about her and her kids just as much as he use to care about me and son.
This does not look like a typical path for an affair. This looks different.
The A is getting stronger, WH is his old self with her.
I am having a hard time understanding all this....it seems to me that the cookie cutter "Affair will die and WH acts like a jerk" is not part of what I am experiencing.
He basically wrote us out of his life and substituted her and her family instead of us..
He has not contacted me nor is he nasty with me.
Please help, I am planning to schedule an appointment with Dr. Willard Harley because I am desperate to understand....
blessing

What do you need help with, atena?

You know we are all sorry this is happening.

I know I can say anything on this forum even at the risk of making myself sound like a fool, a thick headed idiot and a fogged up BS....
but I guess what I really would like to hear someone say is that:
the A will not last, that he made a horrible choice and that, for now, he is just getting deeper and depper into the A with OW because he is "in love-lust" with her. Not living with her has helped him maintain the excitement and kept him away from the day to day ugliness of her family life.
But that with time, and if he actually spends more time with her and her kids, he will come to realize what a piece of trash she is....

or maybe what I want to hear is that:
He is happy with OW, she knows how to rub him in the right direction, she makes him feel important and values his support with her problematic kids and is grateful to him by making him her first priority and meeting all his needs.
She is not that bright and not that great looking, but she is there for him and keeps his mind off his problems at work and is able to relax with him and enjoy simple things...

I just need something to ease the pain while I look for another place to stay.
On Monday I am contacting the real estate agent to see if I can speed up the sale process and eventually rent in the meantime.

blessing

Be assured that no-one here will tell you that OW is good for him and that she is better for him than you are. No-one will support their affair against your marriage.

No-one can tell you that their affair will definitely burn out quickly, either, but we do know that theirs cannot be an experience of pure happiness. I heard Dr Harley say on one of the radio shows that people who leave their families and go with their affair partners feel great unhappiness about the hurt they cause. Obviously, this is not more than the satisfaction that they get in the affair, but they know that they are doing wrong and they are not happy about that.

They do know that both they and their affair partners are trash for doing what they have done to their families.

Moving will bring you much relief. I believe you still work with him, though?

Solve that problem as well, and stop witnessing this atrocity.

Sugarcane, thank you for your post.
It is an atrocity I can no longer witness. Everybody would go insane if they were in my place. I am planning to quickly move out of there.
Jobwise I am applying elsewhere and I have to see what comes out of it.


I think my WH believes OW is the right fit for him. He told son she is a great person, very caring and patient and that her kids and husband are the bad apples.
I suspect he believes he is there to protect her from her ex and to teach her children the proper way to behave....he has a mission and feels important. I do not think it crosses his mind to think of her as trash....
He hooked up with her when, according to him, he no longer loved me and felt therefore entitled to seek love elsewhere.
He feels no guilt nor remorse for his actions.
If he ever falls he will fall hard...but given his entitlement he has to get deeper and deeper into whatever he is doing with his life now because he just does not see it....
blessing

He is NOT the man/husband you married. The man you married was not a liar and cheater who abused those who would trust him most.

He RUBBED his filty A in your face and flaunted it around town and your work.

He has ignored his own son, for a relationship.

Is this the type of man you married? From your posts, I don't think so. She has a totally different man than you had. She has a man without a soul, or the dignity to keep his promises.

Listening to one of MB radio shows a while ago, Dr. H said that a WS who had multiple A's might not have had the feeling of love for his BS for a long while.
In my WH case this is his 2nd A and he might not have loved me for a while.
The difference between me and the OW is this: WH is in love with OW, he has not been in love with me for a long long while.

This is where her superiority resides, she can be as trashy as she wants, but he loves her and sees no fault in her.
I guess this is a hard concept for many of us BS to understand, but Dr. H has pointed out many times the powerful nature of romantic love. And how can one compete with the OW when WH loves her and love us not???
blessing