Backstory:

"Met" a girl from my old hometown on FB in Jan '09.
We really hit it off she was very funny and she quickly became very important to me. I had/have virtually no one I would call my friend (another story)for about 15+ years.. But this girl was it...I had no attraction physically to her as she wasn't attractive and my wife is beautiful. But the OW could cheer me up/make me laugh like no one ever could. I really felt happy again. My wife became aware of my excessive contact with OW in March '09 and asked me to dial it WAAAAY back. I didn't and it began to cause problems.

She tried to become friends with this girl as well to ease her mind, we even went to stay with OW & her husband for a week July '09 Up to this point we had only talked like a M/M or F/F friendship nothing innapropriate (besides hours at a time on the phone with another woman)
During the visit things changed, never kissed her or anything, but started to really want to. Obviously it all went downhill from there. My wife decided she couldn't handle the relationship between me & OW, and said if I didn't stop she would leave me. OMG now what do I do? I can't lose my wife, but I can't lose my only friend...the one who really understands me after feeling so lonely for so long. So I did nothing, I just hoped it would all work itself out somehow but knew I was probably going to lose both of them in the end but I couldn't act. The relationship became sexual in Oct. '09 as I was trying to figure out if I could be everything with this girl if My wife does leave. (yes, I'm a moron) Well it didn't feel right...it felt like sleeping with your sister or something, but I still couldn't stop talking to her. I loved her in a completely different way than my wife. Still, after repeated threats my wife moved out the end of Nov. '09 after I confessed everything.

I was back and forth the month of December on what to do and who I wanted to be with. Jan 6th '10 I was having a very difficult day with missing my wife. I took a break from work and stopped by her apt to surprise her...she was just out of bed no shower, no makeup but took 1 look at her and knew I couldn't be without her. I stopped all contact with OW the very next day and told my wife so, and that I didn't want to lose her. We went out that night to a comedy club and she was gleaming. She looked at me so lovingly all night, but then surprised me by telling me just to drop her off at her apt. (we had remained sexually active the entire seperation) Then came the struggle over the next month on whether or not she wanted ME back. Then it got worse and then the 1st of march she said she was pretty sure she wanted a divorce. Told her parents what I had done and everything. I was crushed. A month goes by in which I'm literally begging her to give me another chance but she barely will talk to me. Then March 30th she called me 6 times at work, came by to see me and said she wanted to go to the beach and see if we could re-connect. I was ecstatic and booked us a condo and we left the next morning. That began the struggling with her good/bad days/hours in which she'd be okay/happy or mad at me. Her apt lease was to be up in June and she still wasn't convinced on moving back in. After much begging on my part and putting off turning in her notice on her part she turned it in a month late and moved back into our house mid May 2010. It has been a constant struggle with her moods and emotions towards me ever since. If she happens to have a few good days in a row where she treats me good watch out because the sh*tstorm is coming. I think her feelings for me start to come back and then so does her fear. Now 8 months later and she still doesn't know if she wants to move back out or be married to me. Before she moved back in we did the list of emotional NEEDS excercise and sexual fullfillment was #3 on her list and could've been either 1 or 2 on mine. Well since moving back in we've only had sex about once a week and any more that that is mostly out of the question, whereas before all this she would have never told me no. And would have perfectly happy with doing it almost daily. Also I'm wanting it way more now because I'm so clingy and wanting that connection with her. Obviously thats been a big problem. I've been REALLY trying to not approach her for it which is almost impossible, but even when she approaches me it's an obvious struggle for her throughout most of it. Fast forward to Christmas day last week. (We hadn't had sex since the 1st week of December) She's being very sweet to me and seems very happy over the next 3 days when finally like december 28th I approach her for sex before she had to go to work. She said NO and she has no desire to be sexual with me anymore at all. (this is after 3 days of being loving)
I'm obviously crushed by this...she leaves for work and calls 10 minutes later to apologize and says she's just a crazy b*tch. We have sex after work that night she starts crying in the middle of it and says it would just be better if she moved back out. I went to sleep in the other room she comes in an hour later and begs me to come back to bed where she rubs my back and snuggles me 1/2 the night. Then is distant and grouchy again the next morning. This is our life now and neither of us know what to do. I've read this site for awhile now and know it could take 2-5 years to get over this, but it doesn't seem any better than it did in May and our sex life is worse.

I still don't want to lose her but am at a loss on how to proceed.
We started with SAA but she refused to finish it.
We went to marriage counseling from April to the end of October. Where the counselor had us working on Torn Asunder, well she stopped that halfway through as well insisting that both books/workbooks just made everything worse and she'd rather just try to not think about it. She won't do either book, won't go to counseling anymore, refuses to get on any medication or anything.

I'm a much better husband than I've ever been to her and she constantly says she wishes I would have always been this way. She wants to be in love with me again, and wants to be normal, but it seems impossible right now.

I have no idea how to proceed...

P.S.
I know I should just let her come to me for sex but it is an everyday struggle for me as this whole thing seems to have kicked my hormones into overdrive. Plus the fact that I constantly desire that reassurance that we are ok.

P.S.S
She seems to love/miss me when we are apart but very rarely when we are together. It's a very normal occurence for her to be distant or grouchy all morning, but then 10 minutes after leaving calling me and sounding happy.

Help..

Questions, please, DJB:
How did you end the A with OW? Has there been NC? What have you and your BW done differently since you began recovery? Has she been told the specifics of the A?

OW knew I had been struggling with what to do the entire relationship. I emailed her Jan 7th 2010 to explain everything. She left me a voice mail saying I wasn't ending everything in an email to call her the next night. I called and talked to her about 15 minutes, she was obviously upset as was I but very understanding. We had an impossible relationship anyway (both married and lived in different states)

No contact since

Wife knows everything about the affair

I'm not sure what you mean about doing things differently. I love and appreciate her much more than I did before I put her first in EVERYTHING whereas I tried to make myself happy 1st previously. I do more outgoing things with her than I used to (never did much at all with her before just stayed home in front of the computer) Other than that not much else as far as hobbies or anything different.

Have you read the Most Important Emotional Needs article on this site?

Yes. I started reading EVERYTHING I could on this site in April of last year. i stated in the original post that we filled out our emotional needs list in May before she moved back in. I forgot to mention Conversation was toward the top of her list and I have been talking to her on the phone a lot more than before as well.

Keep in mind you can read and do your part to meet her needs without expecting anything in return for the time being.
You can even do some marriage building counseling sessions on your own.

There are specific steps to restoring love. Read up on them.
How much time are you spending together giving her undivided attention?

I have read..
His needs, Her needs
Surviving an Affair
Torn asunder
Every Man's Battle
The Five love languages
Five steps to Romantic love
and every article on this website


Actually up until 2 weeks ago she was pretty much out of work the entire time since before we separated. So she's had my undivided attention this entire time. Like I said I don't really have any friends I like to spend time with. I deactivated FB and have focused ENTIRELY on her since January of last year.

I've tried to meet her needs like gangbusters. Her top 4 were Affection, Conversation, SF & Recreational companionship. Problem is once she moved back in in May most of the time all she wants is Conversation and recreational companionship. So I've been talking to her on the phone A LOT more than before and we went on 3 vacations last year as well as doing more day to day things I would not have done before.

My top needs are severely suffering and I feed off her moods terribly so I end up depressed every day. Like just now I left her work where she invited me for lunch, but when I got there I could tell she wasn't very happy to see me...so again I left depressed with thoughts of giving up in my head, but I do not want to give up. Wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel...

Thank you MB Seasons

Topic has been moved to Surviving an Affair.

Have you (quietly!) ruled out that your BW hasn't started her own A?

Yes 99% sure that is not the case. She is turned off of pretty much all men now it seems.

I would recommend that you read up on Plan A, meeting your W's needs, avoiding lovebusters. Putting your Taker away (that's the one who was in charge during your A) and being a giver with no expectations.

Further read up on just compensation and complete those items, EPs, transparency, etc.

Would your W be willing to post here?

I don't think so...I showed her this site long ago and told her to try it out to no avail. I am completely transparent and practically beg her to check up on me. She has all my passwords, can look at my phone any time she wants, drop by work unexpected whatever. She won't do any of it. I have read plan A, she is in the drivers seat now. I cater to whatever she wants basically.

Not plan doormat, Plan A.

Stating that your needs are not getting met and that you are feeding off her moods and getting depressed is a very good indication to me that you are not in Plan A...

Stating that you have read up on it and she is in the driver's seat without any further elaboration is another indication that perhaps you aren't taking Plan A seriously.

just sayin'...

What needs are you meeting and how? What lovebusters do your recognize you were engaged in prior to MB? What other changes have you made?

What Extraordinary Precautions did you take? Be specific. And are they written?

How did you confirm this? or is it based on a gut feeling?

Ok it's been awhile...I did almost all of the reading last spring/summer. Can someone point me in the direction of Plan A? Is it in SAA book or an article here?

DJB, it sounds like your wife has fallen out of love with you. How much time are you spending together each week? I don't mean just being in the same room doing different things. How much UA time?

I hope your last sentence isn't too literal. You should not be a servant or caterer to your wife. Most wives don't respect that and quickly develop an entitlement mentality.

I don't know to what extent that is true. Yes you are correct, but I think it's more that she is scared to death of getting re-attached to me and then it happening again. I can see it develop. If she starts being loving and or gets that spark back in her eye for a couple days or sometimes even hours she gets mad for no apparent reason and backs WAY off.

As far as my last sentence it was probably 75-25 before with me getting to make most of the choices, what we watched, where we ate, etc now it's reversed. I'll go out of my way to get breakfast for her sometimes on my way home. Whereas if it wasn't on the way before I wouldn't do it, etc. Little things. But yes I tend to wait on her hand and foot at the house now.