lilly,

I have been a long-time lurker and knew when I read your story I had to finally come out and "speak". First, let me say that I am so very sorry you are here.

Second, you are in a good place to learn and eventually heal - listen to those who are here helping - their advice is invaluable.

The reason I wanted to speak is to encourage you to listen to those gut feelings you are having. My husband did and said exactly what yours is - had I chosen to ignore the gut feelings I had, I would have accepted a liar's explaination and would now be living a nightrmare. The lies that have come out over the past few years have overwhelmed me but would have been much worse if I had thought we were in recovery. I'm so glad I listened to those nagging feelings!

Also, it is up to you as to whether or not you should contact the OW. Because of the lies my husband told, he took away my right to choose to contact or not. I happen to be the type who would've contacted both OWs in my case - the affairs happened long enough ago that it would now be ineffective and would only serve to make me look like a fool. They have both moved on in their single lives.

You may feel you don't have anything to say to WHs OW, but her BS definitely needs to know.

I wish you all the best. I will tell you what I still wish someone would've told me - you will get through this, you will be alright. Take care of yourself and your precious little one.

I have googled around for polygraphs and they seem to be quite pricy... anyone have any info on them? The ones I am finding are $400 upwards... with baby #2 coming, we are on a budget and I don't think we could afford that.

As lily stated, it has already been exposed. The OWH will find out anyway, and will he be more or less angry if he finds out from someone other than the people directly involved?

If it's not a PA, then let the OWH judge for himself if it's important or not for his wife to engage in an emotional/sexting affair. For him to be the last one to know would likely make him feel the most foolish and angry.

If the OWH is going to be violent, from the information given, it is going to happen regardless.

In my situation, I spoke to the OMW for two hours. We compared notes and filled in each other's blanks. She got printouts of the OM's texts and told me things I never woud have heard from my WW at the time. It made all the difference in the world.

I wonder if the OW ever told the WH that "her" husband would break every bone in his body if they got caught?

He doesn't need to pay a wad of cash to a counselor to explain his actions. He had sloppy/nonexistent boundaries and felt entitled to a little something on the side because "WAAAAA!" He wasn't getting enough attention!!

Thank God you weren't the OWH in my situation.

What's to say the day won't come when Lily and her H have moved forward, put the A behind them and rebuilt their M, and suddenly a crazed OWH shows up at the door because he just found out? YEARS LATER. You think it's a good idea to let that hang over their heads? That deception of hiding this from his victim? The dishonesty of cowering in fear and refusing to acknowledge WH's responsiblity to make some sort of gesture to his victim???

That's a little thing WH should have thought about sooner...that the BH might have a little problem with him interfering in their M.

I would strongly suggest calling him tomorrow and telling him about the affair. Apparently he has good reason to be "jealous" and needs to know so he can protect himself from your H and his wife. Your H should be scared if he screwed with the wife of a "crazy" man. But that was his choice.

The part about a "violent husband" is a CLASSIC wayward wife LIE so don't let it bother you. She is not worried about it, so you should not worry either. I suspect this is a concocted story to keep you quiet.

The fact remains that this man has a right to know what your H and his sleazy wife did to him. Since you know, that job falls to you.

Additionally, I would expose the affair to his BOSS, ALL of your parents, close family and friends. Every one should know of the affair. Exposure is the BEST weapon you have against infidelity. It will wake up him up and make it harder to do it again.

And I would suggest you schedule a polygraph and tell him about the appointment 48 hours before hand. Hand him a list of questions and tell him he has until the polygraph to answer those questions truthfully but he flunks the PG, then you will know he still lying.

Right, and have these people seen said violent behavior themselves? Or is this just garbage that they were told by the OW?

My OW cried on my H's shoulder about how mean and abusive her fiance was and to their other coworkers. I actually felt a little sorry for her. Imagine my surprise when I came here to MB and I found out this is a VERY COMMON TACTIC used by the OW to garner sympathy. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this stated by the OW here in people's stories and it turns out to be untrue.

OWH has the right to know regardless and this is a safeguard you need to put into place to prevent the A from reigniting.

Do this before you do anything else ~ tell OWH ASAP.

Also I agree with the others ~ I would be real $$ this was a PA. Do what Mel said, tell him you are scheduling a poly. That's what my sister did when her H was completely denying the A. She printed out questions written by schoolbus (a vet here on MB) and put them on the kitchen table. He confessed to everything a short time later. I can post those questions for you if you'd like...

Susie,

Yes, can you post those questions? Thank you so much!

p.s. and if the OWH is "violent" then he is more likely to kick your H's [censored] if he finds out elsewhere. Maybe he won't beat him up if YOU are the one to call him and tell him.

However, I don't believe the "violent husband" story in the first place. It is a CLASSIC wayward wife lie. We have heard it a million times and exposure has never resulted in violence in these cases. [it is the ones with no history of violence who get violent in my history on this board] And the bottom line is this:

If she is not worried about it - and she knows him BEST - then why should you?

If it makes you feel any better, tell your husband AFTERWARDS that he should prepare for an [censored] whooping and watch his back. That is a job hazard of screwing around with some other man's wife, though. A RISK HE WILLINGLY TOOK.

You should not protect your husband and this skank from the consequences of their behavior.

This whole thread was lost in the MB crash last year but I had emailed the post to my sister and myself, that's why it looks weird. Here you go!

(t/j)
Rush, this is the MarriageBuilders forum. MarriageBuilders is a proven marriage-saving approach. It is distinguished from your opinion (or mine, for that matter). The difference is, some of us are here espousing MarriageBuilders-consistent opionions, and others are exhibiting the same disregard for truthfulness and decency that caused you to cover up your own affair for months, until less than 3 weeks ago.

Now you are advising poor Lilly to help maintain the coverup of her husband's OW's affair. This is directly contrary to MB principles. If you have questions about this, I suggest you broach them with Dr. Harley.

There is a very GOOD & sound reason for her to expose: The other spouse's knowledge adds daylight & scrutiny upon the affair. Affairs thrive in darkness & secrecy. The way you kill them is, you kill the secrecy. When one spouse knows, the affair becomes mighty awkward. When both affairees' spouses know, then it becomes even more awkward. Awkward is good! Exposure makes an affair awkward to continue and awkward to resume, more often than not. Exposure is a fundamental MarriageBuilders principle regarding ending affairs properly. That's the purpose it serves.

Rush, my affair ended when my OW was found out by her husband. That was exposure for me. I had to tell my wife at that point, because if I had not done so, then he surely would've. This saved my marriage, my family & perhaps my very life. It was the kick in the butt that I needed. It made it too awkward for me to continue behaving like a lying heel. It made it easier for me to put an end to the lies, the deception and the coverup that I'd been living.

A good segue back to decency: The other woman's husband is a human being whose wife has been subjecting him to a lie, not to mention risks to his very health. Following your advice, we would have Lilly treat that man as of no more consequence than the old gum on the bottom of your shoe. Rush, why does that man have no right to know? (Don't bother writing a dictionary's worth trying to come up with an answer. There ain't a single one that's right.) How about you just read up on every thread you find on these boards regarding "exposure" (you can use the "search" feature), until you understand what it's about & why it's so crucial, and save your advice for until after you understand how crucial it is?(End t/j.)

Lilly, I'll address your situation later. Hang in there.

Sorry I got here late.

Rush, you made the following points a while back:


I think the majority of the colleagues here have answered this, but I'd like to look at the two clauses together.

Let's leave aside the "duty" or "job" issues. Let's look at the ability of BOTH BS's with their combined knowledge, to answer the second question, EA vs EA/PA.

The prototypical good cop / bad cop routine is effective because to the one caught in the middle, it's not obvious what information the two poles are sharing. Lily will be drilling WH, while OWH is drilling OW. Unless those two AP's are more organized than the Dewey Decimal System, there will be discrepancies that Lily and OWH can consult on, compare, and act on.

What starts out as "Yeah, but......" will soon degenerate into, "Yes, and......"

ARe you kidding? So if your neighbor's bookkeeper was stealing money from him you wouldn't tell him because that would be "sharing some grief?" Why would you apply that loony logic to a much more dangerous crime of adultery?

Adultery is even worse than embezzlement because now this OWH might have an STD. His family and marriage are being threatened. It would be callous and cruel to not warn this man that he has been harmed behind his back. He can't very well protect himself from his wife and the OM if he doesn't know.

It is lies and adultery that harm people, not the truth.

Lily, I don't know what the cancellation policy is on these thing,s but I'm guessing if you do it as MelodyLane suggests and give him the questions 48 hours in advance, you'll have your answers without actually have to take (and pay for) the actual test.

Possum, he will still have to take the test. She needs to go through with it. Many WS's use the doc dump in an attempt to avoid the test in the hopes the BS will cancel it. So they hold out key parts. But she won't know that until he goes to the polygraph. What happens is that alot of new stuff comes out on the WAY to the appt.

Lily, would your parents or his parents pay for the polygraph? I know I would be willing to do so if it were my son in order to give my DIL some peace of mind.

That is exactly what my husband says...it was headed in that direction. I asked him, if I hadn't of caught him, would he have slept with her. And he couldn't tell me no. He just looked at me and said "I don't know. I would hope not, but we were headed that way."

My gut feeling is that I caught it in the knick of time...although I could also be being a complete idiot, too. I just don't know.

He said he surely thought about it and was curious about it, but he said he was never ready to act on it yet. He said he felt like he wasn't doing something "as bad" if it wasn't physical.

He said me catching him was the wake up call he needed and he is grateful I caught it when I did. He said he was in such a "fantasy world" and he now sees the light. He said he is willing to do anything and everything to recover from this.

Obviously, it's not that easy for me.

I am obsessively reviewing phone bills, bank statements, emails, etc. My mind wanders all the time. It's just a terrible, terrible thing to go through. I am so heart broken and at such a loss. It happened a month ago and I am still crying and having breakdowns daily. I just hope we truly can get past this. I just don't know how long it is going to take.

I assure you the story would change if you made an appointment for a polygraph.

Did you see our posts about informing the OWH? As long as he is ignorant of what your H has done, your H is free to pursue the OW. But if the OWH does not know, he would never think to check up on her. He has to know what has done to him so he can protect himself and his children from your husband.

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