There is a great quote that applies here:

"What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot here what you say." His actions are where the truth was: He stayed married and stayed in an affair with you.
Everything else is a lie.

Waywards lie. It is the only way to keep more than one relationship going. You lied; he lied.

Ok. I'll stop.

POSOM was lying and cheating on his BS. So of course he couldn't lie and cheat with you? Impossible! You were more special to him than any women in the world. That is why he divorced his wife and married you.

@athena99 -

So last night your BS deposited into your $LB. What did you do to deposit into his $LB?

IOW, what ENs did you meet of his?

I crossed the line in the middle of the bed and put my arm around him because I knew it would mean a lot to him.

Ok so they weren't having SF.


Wait, WAIT! You just said they weren't having SF...but

But they WERE having SF.

However you two constructed a nice little lie to make his 'cheating' on you ok...

The lie:

but the kernal of truth is there:


Why would he bother trying to make things livable at home. If you were so wonderful, and things were truly so terrible at home, why did he stay? Why did he not ride off into the sunset with some he 'cared so much about'?

Because he cared about his wife too. SF with her was an intimate connection with her.

I promise you there was an emotional component as well. She was his WIFE, they share a history and a life together.

He 'cheated' on you.

He kept you around because he had the best thing possible: two women FALLING over themselves to meet ALL of his needs. He just made sure to throw them each a bone every so often to keep them around.

Why WOULDN'T he maintain this system? It's great for HIM.

You keep finding excuse after excuse for him - to prove that he really cares about you, that there was something special here.

He didn't.

And that brings me to your next lie - you keep repeating to yourself so you can not feel the pain of how TRULY you were USED.


Doesn't matter WHY he did it. Human beings don't do something they don't want to do. He WANTED to have SF with her. Regardless of his reasons it was a choice he made. He 'cared' about you, but not enough to actually be FAITHFUL. All he cared about was himself - and so why would he reject sex with his WIFE?

He made the choice. He unzipped his pants, got into bed with her. Touched her, caressed her, made love to her, reached fulfillment with her. With his WIFE, the person he vowed to share his life with.

He cheated on you.

Think about that.

Let it sit.

This amazing man who was so wonderful, used and manipulated TWO women, emotionally toyed with them, so he could get his needs met and all the sex he wanted.

There was nothing in his acts that spoke of love for EITHER of you. In those moments, it was about HIM and what HE needs.

I was living with someone a while back - it was a rocky relationship. I went to study abroad for a summer and a male friend also was part of our group. Partying in a club one night I made a pass at him. He turned me down. We were friends and liked each other's company - but rather than get an easy lay, he cared enough about me and my relationship to say no - he got some from an unattached girl he was kinda into.

Your OM didn't care about you, or your relationship.

He said the right words to get what he wanted: his needs met.




You missed this the first time.

Read it.
Read it again.

What you are doing here is blaming the 'situation'. OM and you were truly 'intimate' it isn't his FAULT the R didn't work - it was the 'situation'. Bull -

Think about why it is you chose to have your most intimate relationship in this kind of situation - with an unavailable man....

This way, if it doesn't work out - it was circumstances beyond your control. It's not because you have a lousy picker, or because you have poor, weak boundaries... The affair is an easy out - keeps you from looking at what is broken inside of you, so that you can FIX it.

Affairs are fantasies built on lies... Ask yourself why it is that THAT is the place where you sought intimacy.

Every time you defend OM, you only make it clearer that you fear TRUE intimacy. Thats why you refuse to connect with your husband - thats why you wont give him the tools that will give him a chance.

Didn't you actually say the spoonong felt good to you too?

Baby steps. You'll wobble abit but take that next one. Chances are, just like any toddler when they first learn to walk, your foot will go foward or sideways but rarely backwards. And you rarely fall on your face. If you do fall it'll be on your butt, where you're in a position to get back up.

Athena, I think you are still in contact with the OM. While I could be wrong about that, you need to understand that I am not wrong about my next statement.

End ALL contact with the OM for the REST of your life. Without doing that, any attempt at finding happiness within your marriage is wasted time.

It did feel nice. I know talking to him makes me feel good, but we have both been avoiding it.

I can see how you would think that, but I want to be clear to everyone here that I am NOT in contact with him anymore - we don't talk or see each other. I think about him a lot and do still have a lot of triggers that remind me of him, but I have no idea what has been going on in his life for the last 6 weeks (aside from the change in his work). I don't even know if he and OMW are still together or not.

I also told BH that when he contacts OMW to return some of their things that he cannot tell me any details about their situation. No good can come from me knowing. I am curious, but I know I should not be given any information.

NC for life - whew - it is overwhelming to consider. But I do know it is the only way. And we may end up having to move and/or quit our jobs to accomplish it.

Athena:

My wife believed the exact same things during her A with the OM, as he told her many lies:


* It all came so naturally...
* He has a heart of gold....
* He loves me...
* He said he will protect me...
* He said his wife is a b*tch and they stopped having sex...
* Sex is so magical...
* We talked about a new life together...
* He would take care of me...
* He promised that they would leave the drama behind...
* His wife would understand...
* He is so successful...
* His wife planned on leaving him...
* He was planning on filing for divorce anyway...
* He would raise our children as his own...
* He would never hurt my wife...
* She is the woman he always dreamed of...
* Her husband (ME) doesn't deserve her...
* She deserves to be with him...
* Her husband has failed her...
* He can't tell his wife because of finances...
* The A can't be found out because it would ruin his reputation..

* If his wife finds out, she will crucify him and take the kids...

* His kids can never find out he was an adulterer...

* His wife gave up on the marriage years ago...


I hear your story and see the parallels in mine. In the end, the OMW found out and the OM had to make a choice between my wife and his. Do you know what choice he made? He told his wife that my wife initiated the A, was a psycho, and that he never loved my wife, was trying to stop her from contacting him, etc.

Finally my wife could see what happens when an A is brought to light. She came to her senses, and he attempted to lie to his wife about the A. But after she talked with myself and my wife and found out the truth, he is having his a** divorced!

Now back to your story: you will have many emotional breakdowns over the OM. But it is natural to go through this stage. My wife thought of him when she heard the radio station they used to listen to among many other things.

But she is back to investing in us, and it is working. It is possible that it could work for you, but you have to open your heart to your H.

Don't expect to magically feel all the fuzzy things for you H that you did for the OM. It takes time. Don't force it. And probably the best advice I ever heard: Don't follow your heart. LEAD YOUR HEART. If you follow every emotion you feel, you will be a leaf in the wind.

Sorry to tell you that every OM is a liar and a POS. You will one day come to this realization. He is a cancer in your life. Plain and simple.

Do you really feel you need to return some of their things. Why? Are they expensive items? If not I'd say toss them. If so, mail them. Why is BH physically dropping them off? This could be a huge trigger for OMW if they are in recovery. I don't see the point in doing this.

Athena, he's still with his wife.

I would be tempted to toss them in the trash, personally. Regardless of value.

But if they MUST be returned, BH needs to mail them to OM's WIFE.

Mostly DVDs and DS games he leant my kids. I don't want to make things worse for OMW and I know it will also probably affect OM when these things return home. But it is not my call to dispose of something that isn't mine. It was BH's idea to return them because he doesn't want them around here anymore.

Well of course they had "serious problems in their marriage;" he was getting easy nookie at work. But I seriously doubt he stopped having sex at home. Did his wife tell you that?

I would think that your local women's shelter or Goodwill would be grateful to have them.

Goodwill or garbage. Goodwill probably requires too much thought. Trash them.

The best thing your H can do is take them outside and burn them. Those items are poison and should never enter the OMW's home. Returning them will just be a trigger for everyone. Trust me when I say the OMW doesn't want that tainted trash in her home.

Remnants of filthy behavior.

Your BH is being self-sacrificing to return them, rather than defecate on them and burn them.

You had no problem disposing of your husbands love and trust, and while he may have given them to you freely, they were not yours to dispose of.

Though, maybe if your BH has a little Powwow with OMW dropping this stuff off, he will bring home some truth-nuggets.

When I tried to expose to OMGF, she called him out, and he ran to his big sister, because that's the kind of weasel he is. His excuse? "FWW is making it up to get a reaction out of him!"

WHAT? LMAO!!!

Worked doubly for me - broke the fog about how "good of a friend" POSOM was, not to mention his sister.

You were a piece of action, Athena, and he fed you whatever crap he had to to keep stringing you along. You did the same to him.

He told you exactly what you were worth; nothing compared to his wife. Once it was in the light, he ran back to her, and likely blamed it all on you.

ITA with Mel