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Originally Posted by DJB1971
[/She even says there's nothing else I could possibly do to try and make her happy. She's just plagued by what happened. Every time I do something like send her a youtube song, or write her a note, etc. She thinks about me doing that stuff to the other girl or wonder if I did.

The more sex you have, the sooner she will get over that aversion. So, I think the more sex you have the sooner she will get over this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Some good advive there Jessi, thank you.

Bliss - that is a problem. I do all the non-sexual touching but I find her so much more attractive, and interesting now than before (why?) Arousal quickly follows. I know women don't exaclty understand this but once that occurs that's all you can think about at the time crazy It can be extremely annoying.

IE: Last night...we are in the hot tub just casually cuddling. I'm trying my best to be cool. She moves not so much on top of me but more in front of me and starts kissing me gently. *WHAM* there it is. She feels it and immediately moves away.

Last edited by DJB1971; 01/06/11 06:47 PM.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by DJB1971
[/She even says there's nothing else I could possibly do to try and make her happy. She's just plagued by what happened. Every time I do something like send her a youtube song, or write her a note, etc. She thinks about me doing that stuff to the other girl or wonder if I did.

The more sex you have, the sooner she will get over that aversion. So, I think the more sex you have the sooner she will get over this.

Jesus...Tell her that! Good luck getting her to listen to some random girl on a message board when her marriage counselor said to refrain from it.

She sure as heck won't listen to me saying it! She'll think I'm just trying to get what I want.

Need to find a different counselor who has your same opinion..

But then again she wouldn't finish the workbooks because it was a constant reminder of everything frown


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Originally Posted by DJB1971
Bliss - that is a problem. I do all the non-sexual touching but I find her so much more attractive, and interesting now than before (why?) Arousal quickly follows. I know women don't exaclty understand this but once that occurs that's all you can think about at the time crazy It can be extremely annoying.

IE: Last night...we are in the hot tub just casually cuddling. I'm trying my best to be cool. She moves not so much on top of me but more in front of me and starts kissing me gently. *WHAM* there it is. She feels it and immediately moves away.
DJB, your WW may likely feel like a sexual object to you, if you are unable to touch her without having to 'finish the act'. That can cause a lot of resentment.

Now, I can see your..er, extra interest in the hot tub, since she was kissing you. I understand that. What I'm wondering is how often you are in an intimate situation, like cudding in bed, where you are sensual with her without having to finish the act. By sensual I mean what I mentioned before; rubbing lotion on her legs, brushing her hair, rubbing her feet - without allowing it to escalate to sex.


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Sorry for the confusion, but I did not mean to say abstain from sex for a month as a hard and fast rule, but more like try to be affectionate without expecting sex. I do think you need to be clear with your wife that you desire her, and she needs to understand that you are going to respond sexually to her affection. It's natural and impossible for you to prevent.

However, her aversion to sex needs to be discussed between the two of you, not in an accusatory way, but so she can express her issues. Talking to my DH about what I was feeling helped me get through those feelings of inadequacy.

I don't think forcing sex is going to improve the situation. She needs to come to terms with what you did and work through the mind movies before she can get comfortable again. She needs to initiate and you need to be flexible when it doesn't go as planned.


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[/quote]DJB, your WW may likely feel like a sexual object to you, if you are unable to touch her without having to 'finish the act'. That can cause a lot of resentment.

Now, I can see your..er, extra interest in the hot tub, since she was kissing you. I understand that. What I'm wondering is how often you are in an intimate situation, like cudding in bed, where you are sensual with her without having to finish the act. By sensual I mean what I mentioned before; rubbing lotion on her legs, brushing her hair, rubbing her feet - without allowing it to escalate to sex. [/quote]


Happens daily bliss. But it always seems to be hanging in the air like a dense fog...lol.
She said her legs itched last night (before the hot tub incident) I said they are probably dry, let me rub some lotion on them (funny you mentioned that) Sex was NOT on my mind until...I pulled her pants off. My arousal was apparent I just shook my head and continued with the lotion. She was well aware, but I said nothing.

Maybe this is too much for this website (if it is delete sorry) But for months I have been "taking care of myself" before she comes home so I won't bother her with it.
Of course sometimes I get hopeful and don't (to my disapointment) and sometimes it doesn't matter..lol.


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Melody you don't have a PHD by chance and would be willing to call my wife and talk to her? LOL. Best idea yet!


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Originally Posted by DJB1971
[Jesus...Tell her that! Good luck getting her to listen to some random girl on a message board when her marriage counselor said to refrain from it.

She sure as heck won't listen to me saying it! She'll think I'm just trying to get what I want.

Need to find a different counselor who has your same opinion..(

Why don't you send an email to Dr Harley about this? He will answer on the radio and you can send your wife the radio clip? I bet he tells her it will get easier the more sex she has! Are you familiar with the radio show? You can talk to Dr Harley free. here is the link: here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by DJB1971
Melody you don't have a PHD by chance and would be willing to call my wife and talk to her? LOL. Best idea yet!

I have a PhD in shopping!! laugh


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Well at least you'll have that in common.

I am not familiar with the radio show. So if I email them they will answer my question on the radio? Do I have to be listening? If not how do I get the clip. I doubt she would listen to even that advice. She has gotten pretty stubborn. Actually she's pretty sick of even talking about sex altogether.


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Update:
So I get off work Friday morning, go to the gym, drop by our daughters doctor to take car of something there, drive home, no more than walk in the door and my wife calls from work and asks me if I can come there. I said "Sure why" The furniture delivery guy is here and he has no one to help him. (She's getting furniture delivered to a model home she's sitting at)
I get there, help this guy unload all the furniture. I stay there until 5:30 putting together the furniture (she had to leave at 4:30) and drove out of the way to pick up dinner on the way home. Surely this is going to score me some major points..

I had already talked to her about setting a schedule for UA time starting that night. (She kissed and hugged me several times during the day also)

We ate, I showered, Our daughter went to watch TV in her room. Me and her layed in our bed, and I started holding her telling her I really wanted to start counseling again, and start having some UA time, going for walks, slow dancing in the BR or LR, talking on the porch, etc. Tried reassuring her yet again how committed I was to her, and to working this out, etc.

First thing out of her mouth is "I think maybe I should just move back out, I am very unhappy. You are being so good to me and It doesn't matter, I just can't get over this. Someone else would love to be treated the way you're treating me"

Of course I tried telling her (yet again) that this doesn't just transfer over to someone else, and that I don't WANT anyone else. I want YOU but I am fed up with this. (The above conversation has went down about 10 times since she moved back in and this is twice in a week)
In the same 5 minutes she says maybe we should move to Florida, and maybe we could just be friends. (yeah I'm moving to florida when you can't even like me for 2 hours straight)

If you can't recommit yourself to really trying to work through this then go ahead and do what you need to do. I went to sleep in my sons room, she wanted me to stay in there with her.
I'm like you can't keep telling me you want to separate and then expect me to stay in here and snuggle you. All it does is confuse the hell out of me. I told her I want a decision to recommit, and I want her to start treating me like someone she loves, and like a husband and not some piece of trash. Until she can promise to REALLY try and do this, I'll me staying in my sons room.

So she tried to hug me after work yesterday, I didn't. I just told her I was serious this time, and wanted a decision before we got all snuggly and confused again and went to my sons room.

She called me again today while I'm at work and we talked briefly again about the same thing. I want a dedicated effort and I don't want to hear "Maybe I should move out" EVER again.



Should she move out because she will never get over it? Did I handle this wrong? Is she a nutcase? Does she just need more time? (It's been a little over a year since the reveal and 7 months back home)

Last edited by DJB1971; 01/09/11 03:55 PM.

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Originally Posted by DJB1971
Should she move out because she will never get over it? Did I handle this wrong? Is she a nutcase? Does she just need more time? (It's been a little over a year since the reveal and 7 months back home)

She's certainly not a nutcase. She's a devastated, abused woman who's trying to heal.

I understand your frustrations, but I'd like to hear her side.

Have you asked her to come to this forum?

I'm wondering if she's simply fed up with your frustrations and expectations when she's the victim.

Remember that recovery from this crime takes years, not months.

She's telling you how she feels. She's unhappy, still devastated and just can't get over her H's betrayal.

Some BSs can. Some can't.

Maybe she can't.


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I know she's not a nutcase.

I have asked her to come here, that's part of my point. She really doesn't want to try and deal with anything in the ways suggested here or by our counselor. She just wants to forget about it and be done. But it's not happening. I'm not expecting it to just go away all of a sudden, but it's the constant talk of moving out (out of the blue when things have seemed ok mind you) You can't be committed to working something out when you have 1 foot in and 1 foot out. Also toying with my emotions DAILY..(not purposely) "I miss you today, maybe I should move out, come snuggle me, I don't care to ever have sex with you again, let's do it"

This is my life somedays. I never know if I'm coming or going anymore. (I guess she doesn't either) But that's why I'm here trying to get some help.

I really hope she's not one of the ones who just CAN't get over it....

Last edited by DJB1971; 01/09/11 04:11 PM.

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DJB, you're describing your betrayed wife's horrible wishy washy life of indecision after becoming a victim of adultery abuse. Her thoughts and emotions are on a wild roller coaster ride that she didn't ask for nor deserve, and it's a direct result of your betrayal.

She doesn't want to vacillate like this.

Sure, we all know it's not good for your marital recovery, but this is pretty typical fallout from an A as far as I can tell.

She wants you but doesn't. Back and forth. All of us BSs know the feeling.

Others have suggested you put forth your best Plan A to show her your love her through your actions.

What steps are you taking THIS WEEK to Plan A her?

Forget her response this week (you can't control her). What are YOU doing? Watch your AOs and LBs.

It is your responsibility for your wife to be in love with you; it's not hers. Is that counterintuitive to you? If so, you need to study Dr. Harley's concepts better.

If you fail to create the conditions that allow her to be in love with you, she won't be. You need to ensure she feels safe and cared for.

I do hope you're reading LL's thread "Questions for BS that are still married to the WS": http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2462131&page=all

I bet much of it will sound familiar. Most BSs are all over the place ... for a long time.

(And keep in mind that BSs were likely not as sweet to their WSs as they might let on here.)


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
What Extraordinary Precautions did you take? Be specific. And are they written?


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Hello. I am DJB1971's wife. I have read this thread and feel that he has followed suit to a point. I am certainly not a nutcase, but should be after all our marriage has been through. Thank you for supporting him.

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Welcome!

Now how can we help you both?



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Originally Posted by TB80
Hello. I am DJB1971's wife. I have read this thread and feel that he has followed suit to a point. I am certainly not a nutcase, but should be after all our marriage has been through. Thank you for supporting him.
Welcome, TB80. Why don't you start your own thread and tell us your side of the story?


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I have started a thread under surviving an affair. It has the gist of it...

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DJB, how many women have you had emotional or physical affairs with since marrying your wife?


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