Hey Ritzie Mitzie

Sounds like the magic of Plan B is starting to have some effect.



I have to say you did brilliant. Its funny my WH said exactly the same thing, I just don't get it, one day you want to talk to me and now this. Plan B really throws them.

I love your responses too, that had me laughing.

Keep going, you are in the driving seat now. It feels better doesn't it?

Nicely done, mitzie!

Hey Mitzie,

I see your profile is western PA but you mentioned a casino, do you work at the Sand's Casino in Bethlehem?

I live right near the PA border in NW NJ.

BA

Bravissima!

Nicely played! Mail his letter out TODAY, since now that you've told him verbally that you are going NC, you don't want explanations to wait even a couple more days, as that will (in his mind) open the door for further contact and negotiations.

This little upcoming reminder is only for the sake of future readers, and not to beat a dead horse with you : Plan B goes much more smoothly if you deliver the letter and block/change your info all at the same time. Get it all done at once, and you will save yourself a lot of hassle.

So Mitzie, even though your Plan B started a bit irregularly, lol, as long as you get him that letter ASAP it will still pack a pretty good punch. Do not delay, even if you have to call in late to work in order to get it done.

I just have to commend you again on your beautiful response - he sure walked into that one, didn't he?

Hey, What can I say? I have really good teachers!

I am getting the letter out today. I CANNOT go into work late, we work on a point system, and I DO NOT want any points! I have it typed and ready to go into mail. He should get it tomorrow.

What if he brings it up before/after CS hearing on Thursday? How do I handle THAT conversation? Apparently the court schedules ALL the CS hearings at the same time for that particular day, and we may have to sit around and wait for TWO hours! OH CRAP! That's why I wanted to GIVE it to him after the meeting. I don't even know if he's checking his mail yet, most of it is still getting delivered to our house. But I will mail. ASAP

BTW, I don't work at the SANDS. Sorry.

Time to do a little brainstorming. Who might be able to go with you to the hearing? It will be easier if you have someone beside you. Two hours - ghastly!!! If you absolutely can't find anyone, take a good book.

When WH comes to speak to you as he very likely will, you say, "Have you decided to get help for your drinking, and cut OW out of our lives forever?"

WH: "Blah blah blah."

You: (sweetly and lovingly) "Then we have nothing to talk about. Let IM know when you change your mind."

Repeat as needed. (Within reason.)

I can't prepare you for every happenstance, but when in doubt, err on the side of politeness. And once it's over, go back dark and stay dark.

It's time for you both to see the cost that adultery and alcohol have exacted on your lives. He needs to see what he stands to lose if he holds on to his two mistresses, and you need to see what you stand to gain by not allowing either infidelity or drinking into your life ever again.

This is my FEAR. I KNOW what the cost is going to be, my marriage...

He will come to realize I was the best thing that ever happened to him and I will come to realize that I was a fool to let him into me & our childrens lives for so long with his alcohol problem. two frownies for that

I hand wrote my Plan B letter and sent it out after the last pick-up, so earliest he would get it would be tomorrow. I understand the purpose of the Plan B letter is to let him know exactly what he must do if he wants to save this marriage and let him know I am doing what I am doing (not seeing or talking to him)to save my love for him, but I wonder...

Do WS really 'get' what the letter is about? I mean with their foggy minds, can they comprehend it? Seems they would just read it and say to themselves, "Well, I'm not giving up OP, so I guess I won't be hearing from or seeing BS for a long, long time." How many WS read that letter and contact the WSs IM? Do they try and weasle their way back in? What should I expect? Or should I expect nothing?

Tonight I am going to an AL-Anon meeting. I called the director and she was very nice. She said the one on Wed. nights have a lot of people and there is a less crowded one on Tuesday afternoons. I think I feel better being lost in a sea of people for right now.

You can expect he will try to see how serious you are about the boundaries you lay out in the letter.
He will try to communicate with you, see you, keep you as one of his women.
Eventually, if you are dark and demonstrate your boundaries are non negotiable (he can not have contact with both you and OW) he will try to be a one woman man (probably with OW to try it out) and you won't hear from him until he tries testing your boundaries again.
I think part of them comprehends the letter and the part that isn't willing to face no contact with their OP says....oh well....guess no wifey for the forseeable future.

I want to think that this is the way it IS to be.

They get to experience the relationship they blew their marriage for and we get to experience life without the abuse of the affair.

If a marriage reconsiles or not....only time will tell. MB plans give it the best chance of that. Give the situation a strategic advantage that not following the MB plan, you would not have.


You will have expectations because you have had them during the entire marriage but you will learn to release them as they pop in your mind. It is freeing. Not scary. Freeing. You will learn to expect nothing. That is freeing.

If the affair ever ends and the marriage is rebuilt, you will have expectations again. New ones. Better ones. Non naive ones that help create a good future that isn't as vulnerable to affairs.

If the marriage is not rebuilt you will still be in a better place in that you are no longer naive about how love works (love banks, love busting, etc).

Oh Neak,
I SHOULD have RAN to the postoffice!

WH just did a 'POP-IN' to see if he needed anything else for tomorrow's hearing. And to see if I had an extra pillow and sheets for him!! I told him he should just rest his head on OW pretty little shoulder. COLD STARE from peircing blue eyes. YIKES!!!

Then he asked if he could have his favorite couch blanket(he bought it 20 years ago when we were first together)told him no because it's DS2's favorite blanket too. Then I told him I didn't want skank smell all over it(used those exact words). YIKES!!!

Asked him if he was going to file for divorce. He said he thought I was. I told him I didn't want a divorce, when I said I do, I meant it, better or worse. I wanted him to end his affair and stop drinking and come home. No response from him. YIKES!!!

Some other stuff said and I told him he got what he wanted...his FREEDOM. Icy COLD STARE. YIKES!!!

He was going on and on about the CS meeting tomorrow, about paperwork, went out to the truck and got the notice(yeah, I got one too WH)and blah,blah,blah...I couldn't take it anymore...I told him quote:"I hope your new life is worth X amount of dollars a month because that's the price tag you put on DS2's head. That's what you made him worth a month to you." end quote. COLD STARE out the window. YIKES!!!

It didn't end well. He left mad after he tried to convince me to let him pay the mortgage on the house. Told him I got it covered. He wanted to know how, and when I told him how much he was going to have a pay a month total(CS SP & % of mtg), he got mad at ME! I told him he started this...he said he knows and walked out the door. YIKES!!!

How many LB's did I commit in that 30 minute period? Now I've got to go and face him tomorrow, sit accross from him and discuss child support and spousal support and mortgage payments...like it's normal everyday business...

I can only hope that his brain fog is soooo thick that he doesn't remember ANY of today.

AND he gets that letter tomorrow, how's that going to go over?

Love busters or not he most certainly knows how he has hurt you and reality is setting in. Some men have to be spoken to in the most direct terms to understand the errors of their ways.

What is done is done, keep calm tomorrow and stay on course, look the lion eye and don't blink, uncertainty will affect him, he will not be sleeping well for a long time and there is nothing the OW can do to fill that gap.

In Plan A you take the stress in Plan B WH has his turn and he has only one person to turn his negative attention to , not you.

Mitzie

You do make me chuckle! Why on earth would your H want to mess around with somEone else, you sound full of personality!

Try and reign it in if poss you don't want to do any love busters, avoid if poss.

Go tommorow be strong, confident, calm and graceful. The best woman you can possibly be. Don't forget to look hot too!!!

Best of luck

H

I AM full of it...personality...maybe...

My WH isn't messin' round with someone else, he's in 'love'.

WH called just a few minutes ago from someone ELSES phone & of course I didn't know who it was so I answered...

Now I've got to screen ALL my calls?

Anyway, told him I really didn't want to talk to him, I would see him tomorrow at the courthouse. Then he starts...

"I am sorry for everything" oh, really? So now he's responsible for global warming too?

"You deserve someone who can make you happy." Maybe I should marry a clown.

"I can't explain the way I feel about her." So now your feelings are just like dark matter, unexplainable.

He was hinting to getting some SF off me, just let it slide by...

Said tooda-loo and that was that. I was nice enough on the phone with him.

Fog babble.

I am sick of this drama. Spoke to the SO of the OW tonight(he calls ALOT)and was told that OW has tourette syndrome(she has a blinking tic, always wondered why her eyes did that) AND she is bi-polar and only takes her meds intermittenly, like when SHE feels like it.

I don't get it. One of the reasons my WH told me (waaaay back when)he fell in love with me was because I wasn't so needy. Now 20 years later he's with someone that needs constant attention and approval, has medical issues,drinks like a fish and does drugs, has horrible nasty hangovers and, and is a terrible parent! And he can't explain the way he feels about her...

Let me tell you something people. This is the SAME rehetoric I remember from 3 years ago. Oh, I saved all those e-mails, kept the secret phone with the texts on them. Yes I did. Why. Call it intuition for myself. He only feels close to two people in the world (OW and DS2[not wife or DS1 or any family or anyone else EVER]) but 3 years ago it OW#1. Go figure. Now he explains A #1 as an ego boost (told me that when I pointed out similarities of A1 & A2). I could probably state word for word what he's said to OW over the last few months. Same crap that's in those e-mails and texts.

It's getting late. Al-Anon was okay. I'll go back next week.

Good luck today with CS! Thinking of you!

ba

Let us know how it goes Mitzie!

Those confrontational things you said so well, would have made a beautiful part of a Plan A. (As long as you said them calmly and not angrily.) It probably is not what you want your last interaction to be like, so AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE all such things at the hearing. Do not argue, do not allow yourself to be drawn into the chaos.

And starting now, today, you need to stick to Plan B with no little oopsies. First, change your cell phone # and don't give it to ANYONE who might give it to him. If you don't already have one, get an answering machine for the house phone and turn the volume way down so you don't hear the messages as they're left.

Change your email. If you just block him, he may continue to try and email from other addresses that aren't blocked.

If he shows up on your doorstep, do not answer the door.

If he ambushes you anywhere, do not engage in loving confrontation of the sort you described. It's very simple. WH: blah blah blah. Mitzie: Have you decided to end all C with OW and get help for your drinking? WH: blah blah blah Mitzie: then we have nothing to talk about. You need to leave, now.

If, by some freak chance he answers yes he is ready, you can reply, "When you have moved away from OW and joined AA, give IM a call and she'll let me know. We can discuss it more then."

He may occasionally break through your barriers to C you, but if he does you need to see that as letting you know where you need to strengthen your barricades. So far he's had way too easy of a time. Don't waste any time beating yourself up over it, just fix it and move on.

It's time to concentrate on you.

Today I had my support hearing. It went rather well...for ME!

WS didn't take an attorney like I did. His friends told him he shouldn't waste his money on one. Mind you these are the same people that told him he could file for divorce as a married man with assets for under $400! Well, they were wrong.

I didn't really talk much, just to answer yes or no. Attorney did ALL the talking. Ended up with MORE than we origionally thought! WH will end up with under a hundered bucks a week to live off after all his expenses are paid. Too bad. Looks like he's going to have to cut back on his drinking AND buying the OW's drinks too (yeah, she's gonna loooove him even more now, ha!)

WH was hootin' and hollerin' about how was he supposed to live off that, and what about the personal loan for the car that's deducted out of his pay(we have the title, no proof that's what loan is for-teehee).

Here's the clincher that really got him and an attorney would have benefited him... our DS1 was a half credit short to receive diploma, he's taking a cyber course through the HS and therefore is still enrolled in HS and even though he is 18, by state law that doesn't matter, as long as he's in HS then WH HAS to pay cs for him too! He was VERY upset. I just sat there, let my attorney earn her salary(NOT cheap, but worth every penny) and let the chips fall where they may. This time in my favor.

All in all it was a GOOD day. I only got sad about once or twice. It was kinda sureal sitting in that waiting room with WS right beside me(very small room and it was packed, had no choice)knowing that we still love each other, but not saying a word...I was waiting for that magic moment in the movie where the guy gets up and screams "WHAT AM I DOING!!?? I LOVE U baby, always have and always will!" then he sweeps the woman in his arms plants a big wet one on her and they all live happily ever after...

I guess God IS watching out for me. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to keep the house or the car or pay the bills and take care of my kids, and all that's taken care of.

Now,into a deep, dark Plan B.

After the day WH had to today, then he had to go to work in this freezing cold weather, I'm sure my letter will go over real well ,I'm sure I won't be hearing from him for a while anyway...


Oh, this is really weird. On the way out, after we finalized and signed the papers he was walking with me(he kind of just started walking with me, it was in a hallway, I had no where to go, I was trapped...)and he was nice. I mean, it wasn't like he was trying to get me to do anything about what he had to pay, the state sets up formula based on salary-it is what it is. I couldn't figure it out. I wasn't being rude, I wasn't having a conversation with him, he was talking to me, small chit chat mostly, but he was nice. Not angry like when we were in the hearing or right after, It was very strange...is he up to something...YIKES!

It is kinda funny watching the wayward jumpping in front of the karma bus.

Yeah, he's up to something - he doesn't believe you're serious about NC with him. He was reassuring himself that you will still talk to him. Little does he know...

Time to go very dark. If you haven't changed your ph # and email, this is the time to do so. You want to make it so you don't even know if he's trying to C you.

Protect yourself, and get down to the business of healing.

I agree with Neak ..... this time is for you.

I know you will think about him , I know you will miss him, I know you still love him.

But you stated what he has to do .... do not waver from it. Talk is cheap .... actions will speak a whole lot louder.

Keep the bar high & do not lower it for any reason. You will be tempted but do not lower it.

You will only hurt yourself in the end .....