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How are you today, lily?


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
[
I would make this call with your WH sitting there. I also think your WH needs to apologize to BH.


The best way to do this is without his knowledge and with no forewarning. I like your proposed dialogue, but am concerned about the WH being there. I can see all sorts of problems. First off, he probably will refuse to let her call the OWH and there will be a big fight. That means she either goes against his wishes and does it later, or worse yet, doesn't do it at all. That leads to the next problem, which is that the WS will FOREWARN the OW and then the story will be pre-empted. If she ever does call at that point, then her credibility will have been ruined.

Better to just avoid all that drama, pick up the phone today and tell the OWH and be done with it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I also think your WH needs to apologize to BH.
I'm confused about this. Specifically, the confusions stems from the fact that this is not the first time on this site I've read from former BW's that the WH should apologize to the OWH, yet never the flip-side, in which the suggestion is that WW's should, at the BH's direction, apologize to the OMW.

BW's: Would a supposdly contrite OW sending you a note apologizing, as if banging your husband were as excusable a faux pas as dinging you car fender, help? Because, as a FBH, I have to submit that an apology from OM would have been viewed more as a taunt, than true contrition. "Hey, dude, sorry I had an affair with your Mrs., but you can have her back now!"

Remember, as well, we have an active thread in "Recovery" in which the OWH "beat down" the WH (as part of his "Healing Process"?), and might not be a situation we want to facilitate.

I would urge Lily to demand her WH to spend all his time/effort/soul healing their marriage, not "settling up" with the OWH. OW will have to make good with him on her own.

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Not to thread jack, but I received a letter from the OW about 8 months after d day and it made me sick! She asked for forgiveness and I gave it to her, but believe me I could tell by the tone of the letter that she was still all about herself and not caring how I felt. I didn't respond until three months later when she showed up at our new church and I wrote to her, asking her not to come back. She was less than remorseful.

Do not have your WH apologize to OWH unless OWH asks for it. Men may be different and feel differently about receiving a letter or call such as this, but I don't believe there is anything an OP can say to repair the damage they caused and they just come off as disingenuous.

{{{Lily}}}}

So sorry that you had to find this out, but you are getting good advice. Be strong and follow the plan; you can recover a better marriage than you ever had before.

The OWH needs to be your ally now to kill this A dead! Tell him today, right now.

I can't believe that your WH told you this information and then went to work. Reminds me of my D day (2 years ago today BTW) when from work GO called me at work to tell me he had to confess something. UGH! After I had a breakdown with my best friend, I called him and demanded that he come home so we could talk. Since your WH has trickle truthed you, you may have already decided some important issues like where he should sleep, what to tell the 2 year old, etc. but you two need to be together right now to hash out a plan. Call him and tell him to come home now!



ME: 45 FBS
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by maritalbliss
[
I would make this call with your WH sitting there. I also think your WH needs to apologize to BH.


The best way to do this is without his knowledge and with no forewarning. I like your proposed dialogue, but am concerned about the WH being there. I can see all sorts of problems. First off, he probably will refuse to let her call the OWH and there will be a big fight. That means she either goes against his wishes and does it later, or worse yet, doesn't do it at all. That leads to the next problem, which is that the WS will FOREWARN the OW and then the story will be pre-empted. If she ever does call at that point, then her credibility will have been ruined.

Better to just avoid all that drama, pick up the phone today and tell the OWH and be done with it.
Yes, yes and yes. That's a better idea.


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I asked my H to apologize the OWH for me. I wanted to see him understand and acknowledge that there was a human being he had damaged. That human being had the right to be addressed personally.

I don't think many/most waywards consider the AP's spouse as even existing.

If the OW in my sitch had apologized to me I would have acknowledged the apology but would not have extended forgiveness.

Just my opinion. smile Sorry about the t/j, Lily.


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lily,

I think you should do what you need to right now to protect your unborn baby, since you are so close to delivery.

Try above all to stay as calm as you can. You cannot change what has happened, but you can take care of yourself.

I think trying to keep calm is of the utmost importance and exposure, etc. can wait if you don't feel up to it.

When you are about to deliver any minute, I think that trying to remain calm and keeping healthy is the most important thing right now. I hope you are okay and did not go into early labor over this.

Take care of yourself, do what you can to protect yourself and kids. Your health, baby's health are more important than anything right now.

Hope you are okay.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


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Originally Posted by Miss M
I think trying to keep calm is of the utmost importance and exposure, etc. can wait if you don't feel up to it.

I disagree she should wait. Exposing to the OWH means the affair is more likely is be killed. She needs that added assurance at a time when she needs to focus on giving birth. Exposing the affair to the OWH means he can be watching the infidels while she gives birth. There is no reason to put off such a critically important step.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think trying to keep calm is of the utmost importance and exposure, etc. can wait if you don't feel up to it.

When you are about to deliver any minute, I think that trying to remain calm and keeping healthy is the most important thing right now. I hope you are okay and did not go into early labor over this.
I'm worried about her health if she DOESN'T expose! The mental turmoil Lily is going through is horrible for her, and can't be good for the baby.


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I understand mb, but the drama of exposure can be intense also.

I am more concerned for her and baby's health right now.

I agree exposure is important also. She is very close to her due date and I am worried about what all this drama is doing to her.

I just tried to communicate that she take care of baby and self first.

Only lily knows what she can and cannot handle at this time.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


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I understand mb, but the drama of exposure can be intense also.

In comparison to the "drama" of a resumed affair? Because that is the likely result if the OWH is not informed. Affairs are very traumatic, much more traumatic than exposure. Informing the OWH reduces the risk of resumption and she needs that peace of mind while she is having a baby.

Originally Posted by Miss M
I just tried to communicate that she take care of baby and self first.

Yes, that is why we told her to expose the affair to the OWH - busting up the affair IS taking care of her and her baby FIRST. She is scared to do so and now you have just made it that much harder to help this woman.

Thanks so much for interfering with the goal of helping her. I don't know how we would do it day in and day out without your annual cameo appearances to set the rest of us straight. mad



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry if I offended.

I hesitate to post, as you, ML and MB have such wisdom and I admire you both.

There's not a lot to post when you all have so much wisdom and knowledge for these hurting people.

Just speaking from my experience of having a 6 week premature baby due to very similar circumstances that lily is going through.

Enough said.

I do appreciate all of your hard work here. I agree with exposure.

And I will end the 'annual cameo appearance' at this time. I am sorry you feel that I have ruined your hard work here. Not my intention at all.

I'm out. Love you all, you have helped my on-going recovery more than you know.

My apologies for disrupting this thread.

Love in Christ,
Miss M




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Originally Posted by Miss M
Sorry if I offended.

I am VERY offended and have been for years that you do this. Correcting those who are doing the heavy lifting when you do none is very galling.

I appreciate the apology.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

Please check my posting history, and I think you will find that is not completely true. I won't defend myself further, this is futile.

Nevertheless, my apology is heartfelt.

Let's return this thread to helping lily. I will no longer post on this thread.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


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Originally Posted by Miss M
ML,

Please check my posting history, and I think you will find that is not completely true. I won't defend myself further, this is futile.
Miss M

MissM, I have been the beneficiary of your drive-by "corrections" over the years. I know your posting history. You have a history of jumping into situations to correct others or to interfere with those who are trying to help just as you did here. Years of threads/posts chastising contributing posters to "go help someone" when you can't be bothered yourself.

Now, we are put in a position to have to undo the damage you have done.

See, even though this woman is pregnant, it is critical that she expose to the OWH NOW so there can be at least ONE person watching out for her while she has the baby. If she doesn't expose now, it is much more likely that the affair will resume when she is incapacitated. The odds of that happening are much greater when there is no one there to watch. Affairs thrive on secrecy after all so the more secret, the more likely it is to resume.

So, yes while exposure can be "dramatic," a resumed affair is far worse than that. It is TRAUMATIC. It is all the more traumatic when you have just given birth. Is that what you want for this young lady?

When a new poster comes to this forum, they are all scared to death. Their success or failure is contingent upon their ability to overcome their fear and follow a plan. That leaves it to we board members - the regular contributors - to help that person overcome their fear long enough to follow a plan that seems very scary and counterintuitive. You make that mission all the harder when you float in and encourage a scared newcomer to follow their FEAR rather than a tried and true PLAN. They are drowning and we are trying to get them to grab the life raft; you come in and hand them an anchor.

I am asking that you rethink that strategy. If you are really here to help people, I would ask that you stop interfering when regular contributors are trying to help. It is not fair to them and it certainly is not fair to the desperate newcomer.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Lily, the vast majority of posters who have exposed are glad they did. They took back control of their lives. It was a relief for them.

Please consider doing this now, before you're recovering from childbirth and dealing with raging post-birth hormones.


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Lily -
Exposure is the best method of starting the process of ending the affair by eliminating the "we're so special" cocoon in which the AP's wrap themselves. Rather than continuing to see themselves as poor misunderstood souls, meant to be together but kept (at least partially) apart by cruel fate and unreasonable society conventions, they are informed by right-thinking family, friends and colleagues that they, in reality, are skanky, broken slimeballs. As the majority starts to weigh in in that vein, their immediate reaction is NOT pleasant.

Their little "snow globe" being smashed, they will look to find the person responsible, and there you will be, proudly holding your little hammer. Skank-ho will bring pressure on WH (maybe even cutting him off from their previously-committed "perpetual rut"), and he will be very angry with YOU! How angry, and what his actions will entail, will only be revealed then. You know your WH and the prior state of your union better than we do, limited as we are to reading what you tell us.

This is going to happen; it's part and parcel of the consequences of the necessary exposure. Now, Lily, you decide when you want this to happen. All other factors being equal (which is complicated by your nine-month "special project"), earlier would be better than later - no question. But in any case being aware of the likely backlash and "drama" will certainly help you avoid the worst posssible outcome, in which you are struck by feelings of guilt and remorse for fighting with the tools at your disposal, and increase the odds of the optimum resolution, in which WH quickly sees the folly of his actions, and begins the ask your forgiveness. Remember - they began the A, you would be the one trying to end it, nothing more malicious than that.

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hey everyone,

it has been a long few days.

other woman's husband knows. his wife disclosed everything to him. he showed up at my husbands work (but never came in, sat outside) and has been calling my husband daily. we arent quite sure what to do or how to handle it. this man is known for having major anger/violence issues (not just from his wife but from friends and people who know him). i know everyone is going to say my husband deserves it and all. but it scares me. violence in any form just freaks me out. especially being pregnant and with a toddler at home.

i just hope the other woman does not reveal our address. she was never here, but she works at the hospital/doctors office we attend and she has access to all our accounts if she so likes. addresses, social security numbers, phone numbers-anything and everything.

my husband is sick with guilt. vomiting, sobbing, hasnt eaten in 3 days. terrified i am going to leave him. he has been incredibly open and honest about every single solitary detail, which i appreciate. we are hopefully starting counseling this week through church. waiting to hear back from our pastor.

side question...of course i am in NO WAY ready for him to even touch me right now, but out of curiosity...when you guys did feel you were ready to take that step, how long did it take you to feel that way? how long did it take for you to embrace, kiss or be intimate with your spouse again? i cant even imagine him ever touching me let alone seeing me nude again. just makes me sick.






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oh and miss m...i noticed in your signature that your husband continued contact for another 4 months after you found out...how did you make that discovery? that is what terrifies me the most. is that he is somehow still talking to her and i have no clue of it. i REALLY dont think he is, but of course, i cant help but wonder.

i have blocked her home, cell and work numbers from his cell phone (unbeknownst to him). they cannot call, text, etc. back and forth at all.

but that doesnt stop emails or calls from work...which is where my worry is.

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Hi Lily2009,

When I first found out I needed him to hug me when I was distraught, at first he didn't hug me back(he had the affair and was claiming to be in love with skanky Ow) but I figured he put me in this place he should give some time of comfort for me. It helped me calm down and I think it helped us feel close again.........It was our only way of connecting for the first couple of months.........Even though it was tough and it didn't feel real it was a small way for us to feel together.....
Every couple is different with what they can give, you will know what and when it feels right.........
Don't try to protect your husband right now, every bit of stress because of what he has done is a good thing, he is really having to come to terms with his foolish decisions..........
Let the situation just take care of itself...............
You just take care of yourself............and the babies of course.......
(hugs) jessi


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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