Harmony,

I know my post was long and complex but believe it or not I was not in that post advising you to divorce. Read it again please. The only time I even mention divorce is in the last part where to divorce or stay married is MOOT if you do not get the foundation of marriage down pat.

To say "Harmony you should get a divorce" is not the solution because it is way way way too simple. You need a complex all encompassing solution right now and part of what you say you are doing, growing up, learning, etc which is great.

Divorce would be easier than really doing the hard hard work of honing out your morals, values, what you want in another person, how you are going to be as a wife, etc.

You don't need to divorce right now to learn this other stuff. Really you don't.

You can learn it while being married to this one. Even separated from him you can learn.

I hope you re- read this (long post of mine)again and discover the complexities so you can gain some other direction...

What I am saying is that even if you did make a marriage mistake marrying this man, and even if you are now separated, and even if he proves to be an alcoholic or abusive, that you can learn and do not have to do anything about a divorce right now. After all he is not over your house beating you is he?

Leave it alone and get to more working on yourself and learning. You can do it.

I will re read, when I haven't had a glass of vino

Seriously I know where you are heading with this, and I know I have way more work to do. It will never stop I am sure. I just think you under estimate the stage I am at, I am way further down the road. I am stil learning though, I just had my 2 books arrive from Amazon 'Torn Asunder' and 'Love Must be tough'.

I have learnt so much here, I really wanted to learn all this stuff, well way back, but just never got it. So its great being here. At a time in my life when I should be a complete wreck, somewhere I am holding it together and actually feel ok.

So something must be working. Because if this was 5 years ago, I would be in a white coat right now.

I still think I have 'men issues'. I think I have set the bar way too low as far as men in my life are concerned. Thtas because of the standard that I have been given in the past. I never had a father who showed me what I should expect. My father was always very distant, to put you in the picture, my niece when to the same school as me and my Dad came to see her in a show and my Dad said this is a nice school how did you find out about this? I said Dad, bro and I went to this school. I am OK with that, well I have to be not much choice, but you don't know what your missing if you have never had it right? So now I look and observe and see what I should actually expect out of a 'marriage.

Yeah I know I have way to go. I am still here and still learning.

Thanks so much for posting Bubbles, I really get you.

I guess my biggest fear is that my H won't grow with me, I fear that because I love him and truly want the best for him. I know I have to put a time limit on that.

Oh 3 and half blissful happy years!! Each day better than the other.

..Oh 3 and half blissful happy years!! Each day better than the other.

[/quote]
Your just getting started lol.

You have had a shot and lesson of relationships and are attacking the problem, not the people. Do you realize how many marriages exist where things are covered up, minimized and left to fester untill everything besides the marriage was concentrated on, as the whole point of the relationship was lost while under the surface, they blamed each other?

If he had given you children, think how much more guilt you would feel. This has been a gift in disguise.

Did you notice how what Bubs said did not make you waver in your resolve? Its progress Harm.

Did I summerize the situation correctly before? It was new readers who wont be able to read the whole thread, and process the stages you went through or unclear of the details or progress of your attitude. It was also a way to ask you how you see it, not a way to dictate the way it was from my perspective. Allways take what is true and speaks to you, and trash the rest, while you reason this all out.

I think you are progressing, not because you are complient to what we are suggesting, but because I see your objectivity improving, along with your resolve to do the right thing for what I know you want, a healthy and happy marrige.

This saying just came to mind and its funny. Hope you enjoy it.

"Momma told me there would be days like this, but not so damn many of them in a row"

Feels like that sometimes huh?

It will take time as you process all this, and you will look back at it as a gift of learning but as you realize now, you can't see the forest through the trees when the drama and pain is so close. Don't worry, we wont let you get back into the marriage without making sure you have covered all the bases. Its not "marriage at any cost", and it was never supposed to be.

Now we will see plan B do its magic, and pray your WH will start seeing you were a gift too. I believe with you he is capable. Hands off him till he comes to that point. Just take care of you.

Ok guys I need your help here.

I am working from home today, and H just turned up at the front door. He could not get in the house and rang the doorbell.

I opened the window and asked him what he wanted, he said he needed to get something from the house. So I let him in.

When he came in the house, I went upstairs, and stayed out of the way. He started trying to talk to me from downstairs, I was very blase and just answered his questions politely.

He didn't like that at all, and he walked off, I ignored him and carried on about my business. I thought he left the house and went into the kitchen, he was sat there.

This is how the conversation went:

Me: What you doing here? I though you had gone.

H: No I am still here (sat looking all upset and miserable)

Me: What do you want? You have got what you needed haven't you?(I started to leave the room)

H: Harmony talk to me!

Me: OK what do you want?

H: I went away, it did me a lot of good, I did a lot of thinking, I really missed you. I wish that I had gone away with you.

I just stayed slient and I didnt respond for what seemed like forever.

H: Do you hate me for going away?

Me: I don't hate you, I agree that we need this time alone, it is helping me reflect on things.

H: Really? What have you been thinking?

Me: I just agree that we both need this time alone.

H: Hmmm, ok. Will you see me? Can I take you out? What you doing tonight?

Me: I have a lot of work to do at the moment.

H: Can I call you later?

Me: OK.

Then he stayed we had a cup of tea and then he just didn't stop telling me about his snowboarding trip asking me lots and being completely over eager.

So advice please, what do i do if he calls? Do I go see him? I am thinking go meet him, and tell him that unless he is interested in sitting down and putting a plan together there is no point in meeting again.

I am obviously pleased and surprised but want to tread carefully I actually feel quite complacent about it.

God I love him though. My heart nearly went through the roof when he came to the house.

OK steady she goes?

I am not sure if this is a genuine olive branch, it feels like it is, he appeared pretty desperate.

Not sure how to respond and guidance would be much appreciated.

Harmony,

Maybe you could meet him in a neutral place and you ask him what his plan is and what his thoughts are..........
Get your list of things that have to change in the relationship and what you want and need to make it work........
Just see what he has to say..............don't expect anything different from him, but keep an open mind, maybe he has had enough time to reflect and figure out what he wants and what he is willing to do..............
I would listen more than speak................
Stay strong...........

Harmony, I thought you were in a dark Plan B.

Does dark Plan B include opening the window and asking him what he wants?

I thought you were in Plan B? Did he end his affair and commit to working on the marriage? That should be the only reason he would be allowed in the house and to talk to you.

Thanks Melody, I get you.

I should have not allowed him in the house. If he calls I should just answer and say 'are you commited to the marriage and have you ended your affairs'?

The hard work never stops...........

I would not take his call at all. Let him prove his sincerity to your IM.

NO

Have you even given him the new letter?

I haven't given him the letter yet, the last contact I had with him was a text message telling him that unless he was willing to commit to the marriage then leave me alone, I have written the letter I just haven't given it to him yet.

ahhh, I gotcha! You are not really in Plan B yet. Do you have an IM set up?

Have you posted the letter here? If so, I missed it. If not, why don't you go ahead and post so we can give you feedback ... including adding something in about this latest exchange?

yes my friend.

I have the letter just need to give it to him.

Guys I will be honest, I am feeling weak, I am finding it hard to get the strength to reject him, as this is the first time he has really told me he misses me and loves me. He has also asked to take me away.

I need to find the strength here.

He is going to call tonight and I agree to it, well by saying 'ok.

What do I do?

ok, I am somewhat caught up on the situation. When he calls Harmony, tell him you will only resume contact if he agrees to end his affair<s>, move home and work on the marriage. Otherwise there is nothing to discuss.

What he is doing is trying to get it set up where he has you AND his OW. That is the first thing a WS attempts to achieve. And if he can get away with it, he will do it! He would rather YOU make the adjustment than him.

If you don't take this stance, you are damning yourself to a death of a thousand cuts.

He is missing you and the needs of his that you are meeting. Harmony, you are in a very good spot, here! Know your position of power!

I would stick to my guns and politely, gently tell him that you will be happy to meet and talk with him about your future together. When he gets rid of OW. If you are in Plan B, do this through your IM.

If he won't agree to your terms, then change the locks and send the letter. I predict he will be back soon - ON YOUR CONDITIONS - if you take a firm stance!!