DH

Words cannot describe how sorry I am for creating this mess, if only I could turn back time things would be so different. It is the worst decision I have ever made, and one that I will always regret for the rest of my life. I know I put you through incredible pain, both through the affair, treatment of you and lies. I am ashamed of my behaviour.

I honestly believe that it was a self destructive cry for help rather than a love affair. I should have told you the truth before the A, that I was struggling, that I needed your love, support, time and attention. I thought if I had to ask for it, it meant that you didn�t love me. I have realised that I have self destructive coping skills that surface when I am faced with difficult situations. The stressful new job, the house move, the house building, in law issues, your business finance issues, the wedding, the fertility problems, Dads cancer, all took its toll and I did not know how to cope.

In the past 6 months, which has been very tough I have used this time to work on me and implement new coping tools, as this would have been prime time for me to get self destructive, but I have made it on my own and learnt to cope with some pretty tough [censored] and be strong without doing anything destructive.

I have learnt that in order to receive forgiveness I need to give it too. I do not want to have a contest of who hurt each other more, or whose decision was worse than the other it is a waste of time. What I do want to do is apply new principles from the ground up, it�s what I have been waiting for �..but I cannot build a marriage alone. I still believe we can have a wonderful marriage one day if we truly made a DOUBLE effort at it with both of us.

Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you. If you need anything urgent please speak to Dawn.

For reconciliation to happen the following would need to happen before making a commitment, I have done some of them already and would be willing to join you in all of them:

> No contact with the other women for the rest of your life.
> A full confession.....an ability to be totally open and honest with me about anything I ask about whenever I ask.
> A sincere, remorseful apology...for the pain and suffering you have caused me
> Complete transparency to each other in all areas of our life (to all phones, emails, credit card bills and receipts, passwords, facebook etc)
> Sit down together and agree a recovery plan for us both which will protect us both and address what we both need from a marriage and what we are willing to give. Examples include,

Spending time together
Stop doing things that cause each other unhappiness e.g. solo holidays, angry outbursts, criticising, lies�
Doing things for each other which makes us happy e.g buying cakes!, arranging days out, supportive of business, consideration of others feelings, involving family�
Complete honesty about everything including thoughts both positive and negative about each other�s behaviour, whereabouts, hopes for the future�

I truly love you H, and love being with you, that�s why I wanted to marry you. I want to have a happy fun life, doing all the amazing things we have talked about, you know what I mean. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

I love you always, Harmony

But can you do this, Harmony?

Can you keep it only at that?

From what we've seen from your history, you will allow much more to be said. And then your stance will weaken.

I still think the letter is best. Firm but loving. No chance for you to melt.

Do not under any circumstances meet with him, IMO. You are not strong against his advances and may end up in bed with him ... again.

Is this your Plan B letter, Harmony? It's pretty long, and you're taking on the lion's share of blame for the damage to your M. I wouldn't do that. You both share responsibility for the state of your M.

Can you trim it down a bit and take out the self-beating that you've got in there? You don't deserve all of that.

What's changed?

See, you've already laid out your condition. You need to state all your conditions clearly in the letter.

So, he misses and loves you. Great. I know that's what you want to hear.

But it's not enough, is it?

OK thanks so much.

Why do I feel that I am so near the finishing line but just can't summon the strength to get across.

I am happy but feel so exhausted.

I know I am in a position of power here. I have read so many threads here.

He also knows I am going away next week and I think he wants to make sure he sees me before then so I don't get interested in anyone else.

Why did he have to do it today? I am not READY to deal with it!!!

Nowhere near enough. He has no idea.

OK cool thank you Melody. Much better.

can I text him the PLan B letter?

You are in a GREAT position right now to have it ALL if you will simply put aside your emotions and stick to a plan. SEe, he wants you back badly, BUT he is testing you to see if he can you back on HIS TERMS. Go back on his terms and you are SCREWED and do not have marriage. His "terms" are to have you and his OW. He is just testing to see if he can have that.

If you hold out for your conditions, I predict you will get them. You are in a PERFECT position today to get this. He will be thinking of you all day long and thinking he can have you AND the OW. When you tell him he has to dump her to get you, he will be much more likely to do that.

BUT, you have to stay firm and back up your standards with ACTIONS. That means you tell him what I said above. And DO NOT see him before you go because that will give him an opportunity to get a FIX of you before you go and then change his mind while you are gone. BETTER TO HOLD OUT AND MAKE HIM WAIT! That way he will be thinking of you all the time you are gone.

THEN, when you get back he will be more inclined to dump the OW and meet all your conditions!

noooooooooo, hand write that baby!! And stick it in the mail on your way out of town.

OK I agree when he calls I will say (i am going to have to write it down and just read it), are you prepared to end all contact with other women, be commited to the marriage and move back home)?

Good job I don't have to do it in person.



As far as I am aware there is no OW, not to say that there hasn't been. Ofcourse thats not to say there isn't but as far as I am concerned there is no one else.

no rest for the wicked???

No.........

Did he get the letter yet?

Zactly how I see it too

In your letter you display hope and a plan

In person you either totally break or seem distant to him.


Like Mel said too, (although you have allready changed the locks), Get an IM and refuse to let his emotional attempt to fence sit put you back in the position of dieing the death of a thousand cuts.

Your in plan B, a lot of people have been exactly where you are now, take thier advice. He needs even more time and to agrre with the conditions in the letter. Be aggressive in the PLAN, not your FEELINGS. The feelings are all jumbled up right now. Don't worry, he will not quit if you follow ther plan and gets offended by the letter, but he might get mad and set you both back if you see him face to face and emotionally struggle with reactionary jargon. That will set you back.

Have hope and faith in the plan harm, don't rush in, Dark plan B.

Now that said, , I TOLD YOU SO.. NAH, nee,nahnee, nah nah.. Lighten up, take a breath, and rejoice!! The plan is doin its magic!

Okey Dokey.

I wish he picked a better day!!!

I would listen to Delta on this point. She knows you better than I do.

I can do the phone call, it is important for me to do this BIG PANTS TIME.

I will give him the letter too.

I will just simply say, I meant what I said in the text message I sent before Christmas I don't want any contact unless you are commited to a plan to rebuild the marriage, move home and end all contact with other women.

If he says anything appart from yes, then I will say then there isn't anything left to talk about.

The good thing is now he is thinking he is going to see me, so he will be looking forward to that...

See? Perfect example. You know what should have come out of your mouth, but couldn't say it to his face. Niether of you are ready to talk face to face without triggering from each other stuff that would result in more confusion and the blame game. If he does what the letter has so clearly pointed out he you wont have to ask that question to his face, you will allready know he is commited to you and a plan and a whole new life Which he has then proven he is eager and willing to have.


Letter,, IM,, Stay Dark...

OK Harm, "BIG PANTS THING", lol, I knew you had it in you.

Just do what you said about the call, and don't react if he gets mad. Give him the letter if he you think he wont be dramatic and throw it away right now. He is just coming out of the fog a little, so don't be surprised by ANY reaction he has.