Even though I know she did this, not me, it is still difficult. My stomach is in knots right now thinking about her reaction when she reads that letter from her mother. The first time I exposed, I expected wrath and fury, and what I got was cold indifference. I don't know what to expect from this, but I am dreading it.

In my prayers recently, I have prayed that she would be humbled, that she might have some experience that would humble her to the point of thinking of someone other than herself. I have been very concerned about her safety as I think about what that experience might be. I worry about her alot, now that her new single lifestyle has her out at all hours of the night, doing who knows what.

Perhaps this letter from her mom will be the beginning of a humbling experience for her?

Don't dread it - embrace it. This is a consequence of her actions! Her Mom is lowering the boom! Nice!

I know that's right MB. It's not the consequences to her that I am dreading- it is my having to deal with her reaction. Even though I know it is for the best, it is still painful to see her suffer, and even though I know that 99% of what comes out of her mouth now is fog-babble, it still takes its toll. Does that make sense?

Look at this in a positive way: this confirms that you've got a good balance in your Love Bank.

I'm trying to think of an analogy that might help. I wanted to say something like 'remember her being in labor and the suffering she went through, and the joy that resulted.' Hackneyed, maybe. But I'll leave it.

My point to you is to keep in the forefront of your mind that positive things can come from pain.

Consider it a better emotion for her to have than indifference.

And if she starts fog-babble with you about her mother's letter, stop her. You aren't the author of that letter, her mother is. Take on NO ownership of other people's reactions to the A. Tell WW she needs to talk with her mother about her mother's letter.

Total, you are lucky to have someone who IS putting pressure on your WW the right way.

Stay on script. You are doing grand.

Also, you WANT to enter Plan B with a positive LB balance. If it gets too low, there will be no chance for your marriage because you won't want to recover.

I only suggested that you either do a full Plan A or a full Plan B. Right now, from what you have been posting, you are doing a bit of both. That isn't the way that DrH devised it to be used.

You MIL is drawing the line for you which is the whole point of exposure. Shes doing the heavy lifting for you.

Its great - best possible outcome unless the OM suddenly grows a family and they tackle him for you too....

This is great! Don't worry about reaction!

Hi, Total. Haven't heard from you in a few days. Just wondering how everything is going.

Spent New Years Eve at home with the kids- first time in 23 yrs w/o WS. She came over to p/u the kids on New Years Day. I asked her about her New Years Eve, and she admitted that she was at a party, and that POSOM was there. I didn't go ballistic, but I did express my displeasure. She also mentioned MIL's letter. She didn't seem angry, but I could tell that it had a major impact on her. I said, "Honey, I need for you to be okay. You know that what you are doing is wrong, and you see the damage it is doing to the kids. As long as this continues, you are not going to be okay. You say that I was controlling, but now you are being controlled by something else." She began to cry and said, "I know".

She brings the kids to church Sunday, and the Stake President is there (ecclesiastical leader of several congregations, sort of like a Catholic Bishop). He approaches her after the service, and she spends 2.5 hours talking to him. LDS posters will understnd that this is a huge step for her. I talked with her yesterday afternoon and again last night, and she was extremely emotional.

I can tell that she is at a turning point. I'm not saying that she is going to change right away, but the emotional turmoil and pressure is at an all-time high. I can foresee this causing lots of problems between her and OM, as he has no respect for her religion.

Also, I contacted the Harley's over the weekend, and they have invited me to call in to the radio show next week. I am very excited to get some expert advice, straight from the horse's mouth.

This is awesome! Let us know what time you're going to be on.

Hows it going TD?

Sorry, haven't posted for awhile- very busy. In addition to meeting with our church leader, WS had an appt. with our family doc. She shared with her our situation, and family doc prescribed anti-D meds. She also insisted that WS seek professional counseling for depression. WS called me up and shared all of this with me. She said she was going to take the meds and seek the counseling. This is huge for her, because she has been extremely resistant to this from day one, especially the meds. I had an appt. with the family doc later in the week and she talked with me about it. She said she has no doubt that WS is depressed. WS has a follow-up appt. with church leader in two weeks. She told me that he had given her some things he wanted her to accomplish before their next meeting. She said "they are going to be very hard for me, but I am going to do them."

I have noticed a major change in her attitude in the past week. Where she had been very cold and indifferent, now she is actually treating me like a human being. She came over Saturday to get the kids and gave me a hug and kiss (first time since Christmas). She came in the house, plopped down in her favorite chair and visited with me and the kids, as if she still lived there. Yesterday at church, she was like her old self. Several of her friends even commented to me about it.

I'm not doing celebratory backflips or anything, but something is changing. Time will tell.

I will be on the Harley's radio show today, so we'll see what the expert has to say.

I am really glad for you. Was a little worried because you didn't post for a while.

Thanks for the update. I hope it goes well for you on the radio show today. I'm going to try to figure out how to listen. I think there's a way you can listen after the show airs here on the website? Anyone have a link for that?

Just got off the phone with Dr. Harley. He says my best chance is to move to another state. Interestingly, I offered that option to WS when this first started and she actually agreed, but has since changed her mind. He says I should make plans to do that in two years if A has not ended. Meanwhile, continue Plan A for as long as I can possibly endure it. Show as much interest in the marriage and WS as possible, create conflict in the A, and make the POSOM give up. He feels most likely outcome is POSOM will decide WS is too much trouble, breaking it off (just like Jon & Sue in SAA). If not, moving away is the only option.

I encourage everyone to take advantage of emailing the Harley's to be on the radio show. They were very gracious, and Dr. Harley is sending me in a different direction than I was headed, as I had started to take an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" approach. I will now regroup and follow his advice.

By the way, if you go to "Marriage Builders Radio" on the website, there are two links- one to listen to the show live, and another to listen to a rebroadcast of the previous show for the next 23 hours. Hope this is helpful.

After my conversation with Dr. Harley yesterday, I have decided to re-focus my Plan A. We are having inclement weather here, so I called WS on the way home from work last night, told her I was stopping at the grocery store on the way home, did she need anything, also, would you like to come over for dinner with me and the kids? She came over and we had a nice dinner together as a family. She seemed happy and relaxed. This is the first time she has accepted such an invitation, other than Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. On both of those occasions, she seemed very tense and uncomfortable.

I called her this morning before work to see if she needed any help getting to work in the ice. She said she was okay, but thanks for checking on her.
This morning, she emailed me- said she just wanted to make sure I had made it to work safely. This is the first time in over 2 months that she has made contact with me, other than relating to the kids.

Dr. Harley said something very interesting yesterday. He said that for women BS, he generally recommends that they fall back and allow the WH to pursue them. With men BS, he generally recommends that they actively pursue the WW, and let them know that they are willing to fight for the marriage and that they desire to have them back.

So, according to Dr. Harley's instructions, that is what I intend to do.

Good weekend- WS had kids Sat night, and she called me up and asked if I had any plans, then wanted to know if we could do something together as a family. We had dinner together and spent the rest of the evening at our house together. This is the first time since she moved out that she has ever suggested that we do something together (and this on a night that she already had the kids). She also accepted an invitation to Sunday dinner at my parents house (second time that has happened). The anti-D meds are making a huge difference in her demeanor. She begins individual counseling tomorrow, and is also continuing to counsel with our church leader. Baby steps, I know, but moving in a positive direction, I think.

This is very promising, td! Yes, baby steps...

Real glad to hear you doing well:)

Not much to report, but wanted to post an update. WS had her initial counseling session Tuesday- says it went well. She is taking prescribed anti-D meds, says they are helping her. She has another session with church leader tonight. So, in the past two weeks, she has taken three major steps, which I have been trying to get her to do since the beginning: church leader, counseling for depression, meds. There has been a noticeable change in her behavior (so much so that several of her friends pulled me aside at church Sunday and commented that "she seems like her old self"). The most surprising thing to me is that she has been sharing all of this information with me (about the church sessions, the counseling, and the meds). Other than that, this week has been uneventful so far.