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Joined: Apr 2010
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Hi awoken, thanks for setting me straight! Please keep posting. There is really no 'good

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good' time to go through something like this but the Holidays seem to make it that much more difficult. It just seemed that you were doing so well and then you were gone for some time and came back not feeling to good. I don't want to make any more conclusions and then have to eat my words but it did seem that posting here was helping. I'll go back behind the snow bank and lurk. LOL

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Marital,
I followed a plan A. I became/am becoming the best person I can be. I have tried to connect with her and avoid MB and show her we can be happy together. I did not rely on church to fix us. I started going to church again for the feelings of support. As I have gone, I have gotten a stronger faith. I was never really religious, there is too much scientist in me. But as I have gone, I have seen the power of positive thinking and joy and what it can accomplish. It is this feeling that can help us put our lives back together. I know that it can't do it alone. But it is the feeling and belief from religion that can give us the strength to do it. It still needs to be accomplished through counseling and hard work. I am getting frustrated with where we are. She is still fighting the urge to try. She wants to call me for help; like this week she texted me about getting a router and what to get because she is finally getting internet. She still won't use my name in e-mail, a sign to me that she is trying not to connect. She says she misses everything and hates where she is, but she can't come back. I don't know the piece that is preventing her, other than fear that it won't work and she will be hurt all over again after she has started to move on.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Kenmoore,
Posting here has always definitely helped. It made me feel that I was being proactive. It gave me good advice to try and support. I need to start posting again. Plus I miss everyone on here. It is finding the time. I need to make time to be on. It's just that after school, it's straight to practice to coach for 2.5 hours. Then my own cardio workout. Then home to make dinner and take care of the boys. Then to the gym for lifting 3 times a week. Then I have matches every week and a 12-14 hour tournament every Sat. Sunday is usually catch up on house stuff, laundry, grocery shopping, my school work. I have very little time during wrestling season. It is good in one way, it gives me little time to dwell on my situation. These holidays are very raw. The problem is I am becoming run down and that makes me more vulnerable to my feelings. I went out for wings and beer with my assistant coach and met his family and spent the day having fun yesterday and that helped. It took my mind off things and gave me a day of peace. I need to try and make time for more of that. Again I need to cut it short; too much has built up in 5 weeks and I am making my posts too long. I will try to post and read regularly again. I think I need it, especially if I am going to go into Plan B.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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A little help please. From those who have been through the holidays in this situation. Are there any tricks for dealing with the emotions and loneliness? I run the gamut from extreme sadness at not being a family, to anger that she is still communicating with POSOM and get her needs met during this time of loneliness for me. I have agree to let her have the boys Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and she is still bitching that I wanted to see them at church Fri. night and get our traditional picture taken at the tree as we do every year. She complained that she won't get much time with them if I want to see them at church.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
awoken, I am so sorry you remain in this situation. It sounds like you didn't do Plan A or Plan B, but instead relied on religion to do the work for you. Obviously that didn't work.

I'm sorry, that sounded a tad condescending.

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I say the 'hedge of thorns' prayer every day.....just in case :-)

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Helpfordad,
I am not familiar with that one; where can I find it? Thanks


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Well the holidays kind of sucked, but not as bad as I expected. She brought the boys to church Fri. night so we could get our traditional picture taken; without her of course. Spent the night watching TV, hard to sleep. Took the dog for a good walk in the morning. Boys came home at noon. Opened presents. She sent a present over with the boys for me. A shirt and a daily devotional book. A nice leather bound one; the book, not the shirt. Good thing I got her something as well. This is just how she confuses me. She still gets me a present; one that is very personal, but doesn't want to talk about reconciliation. Thoughts on this?


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Mar 2009
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Hi awoken,
Are you still in Plan A? Your wife has not moved back, shown no interest in recovering M and is still in contact with OM but she gets what she wants from you when she needs something like the router. Are you considering Plan B?

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Gg,
That is what I am thinking right now. I am debating going into Plan B. I see some movement, but nothing substantial. For instance the Christmas gift. I need to give it some serious thought and decide.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
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Time for an update, too busy to write. I had a 2 day tournament over break, 15 hour days. I had a match Tues. and Wed. and another 2 day tournament Fri. and Sat., again 15 hour days for this tournament. I got a chance to call and talk to my wife yesterday afternoon. We talked for 1.5 hours. I brought up the POSOM and she again said that they are friends and he is there to be an ear and means nothing. I stopped her and caller her on it. I told her 275 texts and 6 phone calls in one month are not signs of just friends. Even if it goes no farther than talking, that is an emotional attachment and she cannot think or work on us if this is going on. She said she does miss talking to me and seeing me and being home. I told her that we can fix this. I brought up more of Marriage Builders philosophies.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Out of the blue she said she wants to go back to counseling with me and she will stop contacting POSOM. She says she is not doing it to please me, but to prove to me that he means nothing to her. We talked about more of our problems and I brought up how the Marriage Builder concepts can fix them and that I don't want to go back to what we had, but make something we both want and deserve. I also said I don't want her back in the house yet until we can reconnect and be there for each other. She sent me an e-mail this morning saying that POSOM texted her last night and she told him she is not going to talk to him again. I know that I should have demanded to see the communication and approve it; but with this coming out of the blue, her not living here, and her over-sensitivity; I would be pushing it right now. I am going to push for/insist on complete openness with access to each others' phones, e-mails, and anything else to prove that we are both staying the course. I don't know if this is a false start, but it is welcome and sudden. I am going to call the counselor and make an appointment tomorrow. After our first counseling session I want to sit down with her and do the ENs questionaire and begin discussing the philosophies and working on them. I want to start slowly, she is still afraid of getting back together and going back to the way it was. I think I need to move slowly and build trust that it will work and add them in slowly.


ME: 48
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Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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No you demand her to write a nc letter, u read it, and u send it!

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she should also change phone numbers, FB and any other way for OM to get a hold of her. Her intensions are good, but so far they seems like intentions. She has to put those into useful actions to prove you can trust her, that is what it really comes down to.

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Sapphire and Wheels,
I know that I need to be more forceful with the NC letter, but I am trying to get her to completely buy into MB and its concepts. I can still monitor her texts and phone. He doesn't FB. After our counseling session I can judge her intentions better. That's why I said I'm not sure if this is a false start on her part. If I see that these are more than intentions, then I need to push the NC. It is closure on her part and something she needs to do. I will also insist on complete transparency on all e-mail, FB and all means of contact. At this point I don't want to make too many demands and push her away. She did say she is leery of my If/Then statements. i.e. If we follow MB then we can make it work; If you stay in contact with him then you can never think of reconciliation. I know these are true, but she feels that it is more of me controlling her. That is why I am trying to move slowly and not push too many demands at one time. She just agreed to some and I know that as she sees these working I can get her to buy into them all. Again I want to sit down and do the ENs questionaire with her and let her see this working. I have 5 of Harley's books and if I see this is an honest effort on her part, then we will start reading them together.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
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Originally Posted by awokenhubby
At this point I don't want to make too many demands and push her away. She did say she is leery of my If/Then statements. i.e. If we follow MB then we can make it work; If you stay in contact with him then you can never think of reconciliation. I know these are true, but she feels that it is more of me controlling her.


If that is the case then sir you are not in a recovery, you are starting a false one.

If you do not demand these things in the beginning what makes you think she will be ok with it later down the road??

If this statement is true then she is not remorseful of what she has done to you, she does not feel bad.

What she is doing is making you feel that everything is ok so she can go back before pre-affair, what she doesn't understand that she needs to make a LIFE CHANGE, and if she is not respecting you right now you better believe that they will continue the affair once it is under the rug, pushed aside, and forgotten.

You demand these things and make requirements for her to come back, if you make it too easy then she will do this again, you need to make sure she feels the consequences if not you will lose her.

Requirments wheels made for me to come back...

NC letter and wheels send it
UA time
Access to everything phone, email, Fb, etc..
No more talking to other men even if they are friends
Using MB concepts in our marriage to sure this never happens again

I am SURE that if I had said this to wheels (the statement I posted) he would NOT of taken me back!!

So what are you making this easy for her??

She is the one that screwed everything up??

DO NOT TAKE HER BACK THAT EASY!!

SHE WILL CONTINUE THE AFFAIR OR FIND A NEW OM!!

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Awokenhubby,

I can understand your need to move slowly, my husband was convinced he wanted to move on with his other woman at first too.
I remember I just kept telling him that I wasn't the one out of love and that if he really wanted to have a life with someone else that he was free to go, that I loved him enough to let him find happiness.
I also told him the same day I found out if he continued to see the OW while we still lived in the same house that he would lose me for good. That meant never seeing or speaking to each other again.......
I was firm but loving I told him I understood he couldn't help how he felt now about the OW and that if he truly thought someone he had been involved with in a lying, cheating situation for 6 months was truly the love that was right for him then I would let him go...........
I made it clear he would have to leave the home and our lives and not disrupt our sons lives for something that was just a personal decision and not a family decision.........
Then I proceeded to be respectful and to keep my side of the street clean, I looked good, smelled good and truly became a safe place for him to be.......
It was a slow go awokenhubby but he finally opened up and saw things for what they were and he said the thought of me being totally out of his life was devastating to him we have been together for 27 years.........
So my point to this is I didn't push him to stay I put him in a position to think about what he really was doing and where his life would be if he chose the OW,
I spoke with caring and logic and understanding, although I was firm with my boundaries, I would in no way be in any relationship with a 3rd person, that was his life not mine..............he took 4 months to come around and I had to listen to him talk about the love he felt for her and how unhappy he was in the marriage. Fog babble, had to just understand that this wasn't the man I married but the fool that tried to throw our lives away with selfish acts............so if you set your boundaries up for yourself you aren't controlling her, she is going to have to chose how she lives within your boundaries if she does........
I think you approach is good, reading and understanding that what has happened is a good thing, self reflection and a reality check is all going to happen at some point........
Patience is the key, don't expect anything, don't let anything she says throw you off your plan, the rejection is tough but the end result is worth it........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Sapphire,
I know I should be more forceful, but this is a bit of a feel out the situation thing. I am still protecting myself and my boys. I will not let her come back until our connection is re-established. I will not get hopes up until I see her commitment and her desire to follow MB principles. I really feel that it will come as she sees the ones we are doing are working. It is a little tougher with her not living with me. She has her own place and is independent and part of why she left is she felt she had lost her identity and control of her life. If I start demanding everything she will feel that I am controlling her whole life again and will run. This is something that needs some kid gloves.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Jessi,
I think your approach is similar to mine. However, she has been moved out for 6 months. That makes things a little more difficult. She is starting to send me daily e-mails talking about her day. Now we need to start talking and then spending time together. This will be slow. She is so messed up right now she is unable to have physical contact. She told me that a friend went to hug her in church over the holidays and she stiffened up and almost threw up. With her feelings still that wonky, I need to move slowly and build it up slowly. If I demand to much she will run like a skittish colt; fast and hard. It took her 6 months to realize that she misses seeing and talking to me; how long before we can be for long in the same room is unknown. It is almost like I am trying to tame a wild animal. It will take patience and love and care and let her learn to trust me again. If you try to touch or pick up or cage a wild animal too soon, it will run and probably never allow you the chance again.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
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