Have you been at the point that you think maybe your WS or your marriage isn't worth all the pain and anxiety? What did you do to get back on track? So far my FWH wants to work on our marriage, and so do I most of the time. Sometimes, though I am overcome with the reality of what he did and doubt that our marriage can survive. I wish I had a tool to dig myself out of that hole when I fall in.

6yearsoflies,

I feel like this alot. I feel like this right now... Just remember that giving up is our basic reaction, we protect ourselves this way.

I have been battling this feeling with all I have, yet all I have is not enough to win. Spiritual support is very important at times like this. I feel like God is closer, I want to be closer to Him - which also is natural at times of trouble...

Pray hard, cry hard, ask for strength, share with good friends...

Don't Give Up.

When I first discovered MB (a few weeks after D-day), I told myself that if recovery takes 2 years, I would stay in the M until at least that point. When my H contacted OW 17 months after D-day, I started plan D. Then, my H said he wanted to be in the M. After that, he took the lead in MB (made arrangements for us to attend an MB weekend, started working the program enthusiastically, finally became more open and honest, and showed that he was sincere). I still have my moments, but not near as often.

AM

I remind myself that I don't have to decide that moment. That day. That month.

That I can let it ride and refocus on me.

That I can do my best, following the MB plans. That if something challenges my following the plans, I will use what I know about them and attempt to re-direct to the plan.

I am in control with the plan, trust in the plan (as much as any other choices to take in such a situation)

and

I just don't let myself feel compelled to action whereas inaction is okay.

Hope that helps.

Friend,
You're still in the early stages (7 months?) of what often takes YEARS of work and struggle to recover from. May I suggest that:
- you keep your eye on the long-term prize, that is, where you want your marriage to be in, say, five years
- assuming your xWH is on-board with his responsibility to facilitate your healing, let him know, as soon as possible, when one of these episodes hits.
- for those BS-based feelings that he would be of no use to alleviate, bring the specific emotions to this site. It would be remarkable indeed if you were to discover a trigger, fear, reflection, regret, irritant, or doubt that SOMEONE here has not fought thru.


Yes, it's daunting to consider that a hugely important thing like your marriage will have to be repaired from this enormous damage. Do not think of the whole job. To get through this entire process, you're going to have to eat the elephant, and that's best done one bite at a time.

One day..........one day at a time...

Today I'm staying,,,trying to work through this.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

Talk to your H. Let him know you're having a bad day,,and if you know why,,what triggered it, let him know that too.

My H used to hug me,,hold me tight and tell me again and again "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do today to make you feel better."

Made a big difference and helped alot.

Oh yes, I hit that stage around 9 months into recovery. I asked myself why if I wasn't being a CHUMP to settle for such damaged goods. However, a great marriage eventually replaced those feelings. Work hard on creating a great, romantic marriage, 6years, and your anger will be replaced with something very good.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am trying to be more honest about my feelings because keeping things in and letting them build until they blow was a habit that I know contributed to the affair. However, when I share a feeling that my husband sees as negative, he perceives the comment as a criticism. How do I continue to share my feelings ( especially the negative ones) in a way that won't seem like criticism or rejection to him?

Your feelings about what? The affair? Can you be more specific?

I cannot offer you any advice, as I am right there with you. I was going to post a similar thread today. I am so sorry that you have these feelings as well.

feelings about the affair, or about things he does or says that make me think he doesn't really want me, just wants to cover up and move on as though it never happened. Yesterday he said a few things about how attractive the OW is and about how he is attracted to other, younger women. He says he's trying to be honest with me, as being honest with each other was a problem in the past. Well I don't really appreciate the honesty. I just feel put down and defeated. I don't see the point of working on our marriage if he doesn't find me physically attractive. I have this overwhelming feeling that he doesn't really want to be married to me, he just doesn't want to be the one who wrecked our marriage and hurt our family by having an affair.

Reading my last post, I think I sound like a pathetic loser with no self esteem - and I blame him for turning me into that person. Why would I want to stay with someone who does that to me?

Ok. That's disgusting of him.

Is this an off-hand way of him stating an attractive spouse is one of his needs?

Don't buy it as you aren't attractive, buy it as he's a d-bag.

Your husband should just stop being so selfish, he knows what he is doing, he is 48 years old.
Look just look your best, smell your best and if that isn't good enough for him then let him go, you just live the best life for you. Give yourself a time limit and if he doesn't come to his senses.
Leave and start over, you don't need to be treated like that by anyone, I'm sure we could all say that we thought someone else was good looking but a caring person knows that would hurt our spouses because we care about them we would never say it..........

This is how I see his openess and honesty
WH: "One of my needs is physical attractiveness"
WH: "I am a D-bag who trolls for younger women"

His Open and Honest is really a Disrespectful Judgement since it puts you down and makes you feel defeted. He is a WS that will say anything to hurt you right now because he is selfish. He is trying to throw you off because you are ruining his affair. Don't fall for it because you are doing the right things. Smoke and fog is where is is right now so it is hard to beleive his openess and honesty.

Thanks for the affirmation.

i guess the need for attractiveness is more important to him than I thught. And maybe I don't need honesty and openness as much as I thought.

ok, he should have not said that about that filthy skank ho, but he did the right thing in telling you how important PA is to him!! How can you know if he doesn't tell you??

6years, 47 year old women can be VERY ATTRACTIVE. I know many middle aged women who are HOT. ARE YOU ATTRACTIVE?

Can you describe your appearance? ARe you at a good weight? Do you do your best to be attractive?

Your H can fall in love with you if you use this program. ARE YOU USING THIS PROGRAM?? What are you doing to restore the romantic love in your marriage?

If your H is in love with you, he will be much less likely to be attracted by other women. ALSO, if he feels attracted to younger women, what is he doing to PROTECT HIMSELF from that attraction? Is he avoiding them?

Crud, I forgot to hit submit. I wanted to say the openess and honesty is present in all healthy marriages. You NEED openess and honesty as much as you think. i just think the way your WH went about it was all wrong wrong wrong.

There are ways to let your spouse know that your needs are not being met, but comparing you to OW and younger women is not the way. That is disrespectful.

BTW, my FWW looks sexier the older she is getting. I dunno why, but its more of a powerful woman sexieness than a naive young woman cuteness. She has more control over herself and knows what she wants, and I think that is hot.

So don't go and underestimate yourself. You got something there, you just have to bring it out. Through proper diet, exercise, and your um....let say prowess, I think you can knock out those other contenders.

yep, I so agree with Wheelspinning. The way your H said this was really obnoxious and hurtful.