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Joined: Dec 2007
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Being you can monitor NC I think your pace is good for the time being.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 59
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Awoken, I handled my WW with kid gloves this spring because she felt like she was living in my shadow and lost her identity. The result was although we had a recovery it only lasted 3 months before she went back to 2 new OM because I let her back in without any boundaries. I wanted her back under any terms. This was a big mistake. This time I still want her back, but not without removing the causes of the A in the first place.

My lesson learned was that without establishing the terms on how we could rebuild our marriage any progress we made was destroyed by not changing the terms on what allowed the affair to happen in the first place.

I am also from the Western NY area and found a great marriage councilor that works with MB principles if you are looking for someone that will work with the program you are using to restore your marriage. My WW and I have tried multiple councilors in the area and he is the first one that uses a system to rebuild love, not just tackle the issues that caused the A to happen in the first place.


Me (32) BS
Her (33) WW
S(8) | D(6) | D(5)

My Story
Married 9 Years
March 2010: D-Day #1
May - July 2010: Retrouville & counseling
July 2010: WW stopped couseling because we were "better"
November 2010: D-Day #2 (lesson learned "don't stop until the professional tells you are better")
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Paladad,
Your lesson is exactly why I don't want her back in the house until ALL terms are in place and we have fully started the recovery. I am also not going to truly say we have recovered until they are all in place and we are working at all of them. My current counselor believes in creating an environment where we reconnect and don't just rehash the past on our mistakes. That being said I would love the name of a counselor here in WNY that follows the Harleys. I don't know if you can/should post his name here, or if I can put my e-mail in a post. I believe private messages are enabled for me, send me the name. It is amazing that there are so many WNYers on here; you are the third one that has been on my thread.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 59
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I could not PM and I am not sure about dropping his name in open thread but I think email addresses are ok. You can e-mail me at iampaladad@gmail.com and I can pass along his information.


Me (32) BS
Her (33) WW
S(8) | D(6) | D(5)

My Story
Married 9 Years
March 2010: D-Day #1
May - July 2010: Retrouville & counseling
July 2010: WW stopped couseling because we were "better"
November 2010: D-Day #2 (lesson learned "don't stop until the professional tells you are better")
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
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Awokenhubby,

I think you are seeing things clearly and have a good grasp on what is probably the plan for your reconnection with your wife, I guess since she is still gun shy all you can do is take little snippits of time and opportunity. I remember doing little things like looking right into his eyes when I spoke to him, I picked lint of his sweater, brushed against him(accidentally of course) I made sure I thanked him for the effort and consideration he was showing. When I could and it didn't look obvious I would bring up a past memory we had shared together or with the kids.
I cooked his favorite foods........did little things for him, things he would do and found out I had taken care of it for him, things like that......he noticed.
But I always made sure he felt he was free to chose to go, I was leaving it up to him. I would say that maybe once he left he would have to come back to do this and show me how to run that........making him think that is was leaving the home we had built and raised our children in............history is a big pull in this kind of situation, do they really want to leave their families for someone they only knew for a short time and only in a fantasy type of relationship..........they just need to remember that they also loved their lives before they went brain dead.........
It's like their brains need to thaw out and that takes some time.......depends how long they have been out in the cold..............


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Jessi,
Thanks for the support. It is hard with her not being here to do those little, subtle things. She did have a nice talk with me at church last weekend. She usually never acknowledges me. She was even talking about the past. Maybe that was the beginning of her wanting to try. The church has a marriage help group. It is more of a date night, where dinner is included and couples are given topics to discuss. I don't know the topics, but it sounds like a fairly harmless place to start. We are together, but we are not alone. It gives us a date and serious topics to discuss. Since there are others there it would be tough to get into an argument. I have asked her to go, I am waiting for a response.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Posts: 346
well I just got done reading Paladad's thread and saw I received an e-mail from my wife. The marriage course is out. She says that she does not want to go and be humiliated in front of friends. So that is off for now. She says that she is still leery of getting back together. I think that means afraid of it failing. She also said she still has some unresolved issues she needs to work on. At least she is admitting that she has some now and it is not all me; unless they are about me and not actually her issues. But she is sounding like she does want to try once she works out her issues. She still wants to go to our current counselor to discuss things with a neutral party. I told her to write down everything she wants to talk about so she doesn't forget to bring them up, or gets too timid to. I really want all the issues out in the open so they can be banished and there is nothing in our way. time for bed, I have a match after school and it will be a long day.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
So this week was Senior night for my wrestling team. I get roses for my seniors to give to their mothers as thanks for putting up with them. In the past I always get an extra for my wife as thanks for putting up with me being gone so much and my crazy schedule. After much internal debate I got an extra one for her again. I knew she was coming over the house this morning to pick up my son and walk the dog with him. So I left it on the hall table and then texted her and told her it was to thank her for feeding the boys and running them around on the nights of my matches. She texted me and thanked me for it and then went on to tell me about her walk and talk with my son. Some days I feel we are so close to reconnecting, then BAM! she gets skittish and backs off and finds things to get angry and cold over. I seem to see less of this and more of being friendly and nice. I hope now that she is not contacting POS, that she will really try to reconnect. The counselor recommended by Palladad sounds perfect. His website sounds like it was written by the Harleys it has all of the principles of Marriage Builders clearly spelled out, and he has a Master's in Divinity so she would like the religious part of him. I sent her his website, but she has not responded about it yet. I will still make an appointment with our current counselor and hopefully something good can come of it. I think if she really starts to try and reconcile I will push hard for this new guy.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
Sunday's church sermon was about how the marriage is blessed and how everything should be done to save and nurture it. Without going into details, it couldn't have hit home harder than if the pastor sat down with us for a few hours, learned every detail of our problems and wrote it specifically for us. It really shocked me, and from what I could tell, my wife as well. I sent her an e-mail about it and we have exchange several over the last few days and it seems to have moved her closer to coming back (or her lack of contact with POSOM helped). She drove by me on Mon. as I was walking the dog and honked. She has been texting me the last 2 days about her day and happenings. In her one e-mail she said she is still not sure if she wants to come back. This is a big change in her attitude. Up to now she has always said she doesn't want to come back and wouldn't even consider it. She said she is working on her to fix the problems with her. She has agreed to go to joint counseling; I have it scheduled for 2 weeks. Here's hoping it is all about us and fixing this mess. I am going to keep it on track and not let her hijack it to be about our son.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
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Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 346
A little help/advice. My wife texted me tonight and told me that POSOM sent her a picture message from her mother. Remember that MIL lives next door to POSOM in Fla. She was at the beach and since she doesn't have texting on her phone she had him take a picture of her having a drink at the beach and send it to her. My wife let me know that she did this and will do it more. MIL has never accepted that the relationship was an EA; she doesn't believe in them. She just thinks he's a harmless flirt/ladies man. I don't think it's my place to tell her this is unacceptable; but given the decades of domineering/abuse by her mother I don't know if wife can or will tell her not to do it. What can I do? I was proud that she immediately told me to be open and honest.


ME: 48
WAW:47
Years Married: 21
Children: 2 Boys, 19 & 16
D Day: informed of separation desire May 14, 2010
Move out day: July 1st 2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 397
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Block her number from receiving text messages or change her number. You keep the old number and phone. This guy is going to play games with your wife , there will come a point in time when you tell your mother in law she is no longer part of the family as she by her actions is supporting the OM.

Last edited by Xau; 01/20/11 01:54 AM.
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