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#2462058 01/09/11 04:57 PM
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Wow, I never thought I would be writing this. My earlier story is summarised below. I worked with MB for two years to save our marriage before coming to terms with the fact that it could never be repaired because he saw any kind of honesty as too controlling. Still, I kept hoping until that he would want to stay married enough to start telling the truth.

In 2009 I filed for divorce. At the beginning of 2010 I was finally allowed to move out (he is a very controlling person) but the divorce is not yet final as he keeps playing delaying games. We are now at the point where the judge has had enough and has given him a short deadline.

It has now been five years since discovery.

About a year ago, a lovely man put an arm around me. It was just a friendly gesture in a very public place but I felt 15 years old again and was totally swept off my feet by it. He was newly widowed and indirectly asked me out but I was not ready and declined him.

Three months ago I finally felt ready to start dating. I'm 58. My children are grown up. It was time to see whether sharing my life with a new man could work before I had settled completely into my newly contented single state.

I posted on Match.com and was snowed under with responses. After some careful weeding I had my first date in 30 years which was fine, chatted to lots, met with several who were also fine, was set up with someone by a mutual friend who was more than just fine and then suddenly got hit over the head by a 2x4.

2x4 and I have been seeing one another for about 6 weeks and it is very intense. I've said no SF till the divorce is final, he's cool about that. I'm worried that this is a rebound, he thinks that is a risk and is cool about that too.

I've read the other posts in here and so agree that the knowledge of MB concepts is an incredibly powerful and potentially quite dangerous weapon.

I'm following all your stories, learning lots, making no commitments, no plans further out than a month whilst thanking God for giving me this great gift.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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One of the things I've become very sensitive to are boundaries. One of the huge boundaries for me is being married, whether technically or not. Your divorce will be final shortly, why not wait until then before dating?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Yes, I'm worried about not being divorced. Didn't come back to MB till two weeks ago when the genie was already out of the bottle. I did not think of the possibility of a 2x4, just of starting to make my own life and meet other people. This was so unexpected.



3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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If you ask me (and many people)...mentally you are not married any longer. Marriage is MUCH more than a piece of paper signed by a judge. That signature is just the state saying they agree...marriage is over. The marriage can (and sounds like it is) be VERY over before the state gets around to signing a document to agree with you.

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Captain,
That doesn't sound like a MB response. Humans are great masters at justifying and pushing boundaries. How many waywards said their marriages were over is why they were having affairs (they didn't consider it cheating). To be safe, why not wait until the piece of paper backs it up?


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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The point about waiting and time is not so much about the official nature of the piece of paper that says your marriage is over. It has much more to do with becoming your own person again before you get involved with someone else.

It's very hard to see clearly after divorce especially after a long marriage. Adjustments need to be made and the only way to do that is by taking time to understand what you need and want. Be patient with yourself as you learn how to be alone. What you think you want immediately post divorce may be quite different a year, three years after your divorce is final.


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
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Originally Posted by nams
It has much more to do with becoming your own person again before you get involved with someone else.

It's very hard to see clearly after divorce especially after a long marriage. Adjustments need to be made and the only way to do that is by taking time to understand what you need and want. Be patient with yourself as you learn how to be alone. What you think you want immediately post divorce may be quite different a year, three years after your divorce is final.

Very true!

I still think the piece of paper means something. There's a country song that says "if you don't stand for something, you stand for nothing at all." We've lost the ability to stand for something in this country. Things have become so compromised and blurred.


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A piece of paper does mean something BUT this divorce has potentially been going on for two years now. How long does she have to wait to have a meaningful adult relationship if her STBXH is being an obstructionist? Some states require a two year wait for a contested divorce. How much life does she have to burn for a cheating husband? I'm not saying there's a right or wrong answer here but your boundaries may not be the OP's. Just my thoughts.

Travis


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

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That is a boundary I believe in very strongly. Others do not, obviously. I guess that's something each person answers for his/herself.


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Thank you for all your input. The divorce should have been over two years ago as in 2007 we agreed a two year stay of execution in return for an uncontested if the marriage was irreparable. Of course he lied about that too. At least he is consistent.

I have learned how to be alone and am so happy that I am free, I am at peace with both my STBX and the OWs. I am definitely, definitely my own person again - far stronger and wiser as a result of the discovery of five years ago that my marriage had been a charade for 20 years.

I am proud to say that my children are in agreement with kaycstamper's viewpoint; they have told me that it is ok for me to start to meet new people but that any official recognition such as a meeting with them must wait till the divorce is final.

My problem is that this 2x4 happened. So violent and so unexpected. I haven't met enough new people, I am not fully legal and yet here he is meeting all my most important ENs. Revisiting MB has helped me remember the addictive nature of an infatuation and how to protect myself.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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It's true, just take it slow, start with friendship, give it time to get past the six month infatuation stage before making any commitments. It'd also be good to be open to other friendships as well. Remember what Fred said about his XWW having "love-bombed" him...remember that happens easily in the infatuation stage and can cloud our eyesight. While we can enjoy the "new love" stage, we need to be careful as well...


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .

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