Am still struggling with making progress with WH. He says he's not in the affair but he's not giving me full access to everything I've asked for - phone records, etc. I have been able to do some spying and have yet to uncover anything suspicious yet. WH is going to the country where the OW lives at the end of this month. I suggested that I travel with him and he is wavering regarding whether I can join him. How much do I push the issue? He's suggesting we take another trip together somewhere closer (the trip to the affair country takes about 18 hours total). I still have concerns that he will lead a "dual life" if he travels without me.

I also can't get him to make our marriage a priority. Despite the fact we're in crisis mode, work is still consuming him. I'm trying my very best in plan A but am losing my patience!!

Of course he doesn't want you to go to India or China or wherever it is if he is having an affair with someone there. That would be rough for him. Yes it would.

He most likely is having one, you do know that.

Tell him you are going. If he waffles, etc. just say you are going (Super sweet and lovingly).

Then, you may get more info quicker than later. Yes. He will try his best to foil your travel plans. Yes. If you go, he may implode on the trip with you since he will be stressed from the experience.

Can you keep a level head and remain in plan A while doing this?

You might want to call the marriagebuilders coaches for their take on what to do ($195 well spent).

By the end of this month, you will be well within range to go to Plan B. One of two things needs to happen:

1. You go with him on the trip, and he is accountable to you for all his time,

or

2. By the time he gets back, all his stuff is packed and out of the house, and you are in a dark Plan B.

WH reluctantly agreed that I could go on the trip - actually we met with our MC who was a strong supporter of the idea. WH just emailed me and said he bought the ticket. Guess I need to figure out childcare arrangements/ work arrangements now.

Cool.
Make sure you check personally into everything you need to have for the trip (visa, vacines,whatever) so that you can't be stopped at the last minute by unforseen circumstances on that part of the travel. You don't need to tell him you are seeing to it. Just do.

Also, know that if he plans on causing conflict with you at the last moment or even on the trip.....you are prepared for it from inside your sprit to roll with any situation. That you are above any petty stuff to drag your Taker/nasty side out.
Cool as a cucumber. Ultimate wife. Ultimate human being.

Also, know that though you need childcare and work taken care of you are making a stand for your marriage. For your family.

Ok, I need to chime in because I just read your thread and there are a number of similar instances between your thread and my former situation. My H met his POSOW on a business trip. You know what? If he travels, I go with now. No exceptions. If your H is sincere about recovery, he wouldn't blink an eye. You do what you have to do to travel with him, or he DOES NOT GO. Plain and simple.

The whole telephone thing? My H talked to OW for over an hour trying to "break it off" with her. (I was listening.) 2 weeks later we had a false recovery and I landed in a very quick, but luckily semi-prepared, Plan B.

If he's not giving you full access, he's hiding something. My H actually created a new email that I didn't know about at first and password-protected his phone. I broke the code and found out about re-contact. And I "thought" at the time that it was over and I could trust him. Do not let a wayward deceive you. Do not take "his word." Even now, almost a year since D-day, I still check up on him, check emails, computer, phone records, anything and everything. Always be vigilant. But, he also has access to all of my stuff at any time. Open and honest.

Don't listen for a moment that the A is in any way your fault. HE made the decision. Not you. I heard all that crap too. I don't love you, I never loved you, it's not you it's me, etc. Fog-babble. Neak and Wheels gave you great advice on the other page. If he's not making your marriage a priority, then he's still in fog-land. You need on your end to do an incredible Plan A. Make him remember why he married YOU. I don't recall from my reading, have you read Surviving An Affair? Best book ever. A must-read for the betrayed. I actually wrote notes in mine to help me assess where we were, and where we are. It was an eye-opener how similar these A's really are.

Keep fighting. ((((FA))))

ITA with Neak. If he goes on the trip, YOU GO. Or HE GOES when he gets back. This is a requirement for recovery that you should not back down from.

Right after WH booked the tickets I found out he had a one hour call with OW!! What the heck do I do now? Clearly it was a false recovery. I don't think I can stomach going. Yes I've read SAA. I think it's time to move to plan B and potentially divorce. He's a pathological liar.

I don't think he's a pathological liar. I think he's an addict. What he is doing is typical for an addicted wayward.

fa, only you can decide what you want to do about this. I would totally understand if you chose not to continue with this drama. FR is hell on most BS's.

I'll tell you what, though - there is no way I would go down without swinging. I'd be on that flight NOW. I wouldn't hand him off to some woman. Huh-uh. I'd take his cell phone away once I got on that plane, too. And when OW called him to find out where they're meeting, I'd discuss that with her to make sure it's convenient for ME.

It hasn't been a false recovery cause you haven't even started girl!

You are in plan A.
The plan for laying your wishes out to be shown (you want no OW in picture) and you show your best wife self and KNOW that he will lie and still talk with her. The only expectations you should have right now are he will still be cheating on you. You plan A anyway (cause you know plan B is around the corner....he doesn't know it and you don't tell him).
You still be best wife.
You show him what he will be missing WHEN you go to plan B. That is when boundaries are really shown. No more negotiation about them.

Your Taker is riled but tell your Taker this is part of YOUR plan. To sit back and watch your Giver put on the very best show which is in Taker's best interest.

You also plan on going on the trip and when you are on it......look good.....are fun (even if his addiction is still playing out while you are there). OW will be bummed he is with his wife in their little part of the world. Again, a good thing once you go to plan B and go dark. Hehe(giggle).

This is not your H but a WH who appears to partially be your H. Your H is hostage down deep in there and may someday appear but you have to study plan A and plan B and not let your ego jump the gun.

Lay back in plan A time and know you are part of the competition for your H for now and will abruptly pull out to let them at each other later.

Do not have expectations of recovery for now. Hope for it eventually but not expectations. If he looks like he is for recovery, assume he is trying to mislead you and enjoy plan A for the good times you can have with your H whether you recover or not.

Hope it makes sense to you.

Let me get this right?

You are going on a business trip
Your husband booked the tickets
Then right after he calls the OW and talks for an hour?

And you are asking what to do now??

Simple

DO NOT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They just talked an hour on the phone what they are going to do while YOU are gone!!!

Cancel your trip.

Write your plan B letter.

Find an IM.

Tell your husband to leave.

And

STAY DARK!!!

I missed a page so I guess he booked for you and him?

fa,

Your H will not end the affair if he continues to travel. He also will not do so without exposure to key people on OW's side. I forget now whether she is married and whether she is connected to his company? Even with exposure (or if that is ineffective), the EA part of the affair might continue for some time unless you go to Plan B. Your H needs needs to get to the point where the affair is not worth the trouble it causes him, and you should not Plan A endlessly while waiting for that to happen. I think you have been in plan A for about one month anyway, haven't you?

Please go back and read my first post (or two) to you on this thread, and my post on the False Recovery thread that I linked. I never heard from you that you were following my advice, and I gave up posting to you when you did not seem to be listening.

Your H will have to stop travelling altogether. I asked you whether he could hire someone to do that part of his job, but I don't think you replied. You won't be able to go on for long getting childcare and going with him on every trip. Even while you do that, will he be at your side 24 hours per day? Do you want to behave like a jailer in your marriage?

Your H has to want to stop the affair. He has to want to be transparent with his phone etc. Plan B is the solution for you while waiting for the affair to die.

I totally get what SugarCane is saying.

Here is my take on the situation though.

If it were me (reading) I would plan on going. Even if it is the last hurrah of the marriage cause I would plan that I would go dark after at some point and want to show WH that the planet belongs to wonderful me.

I (reading) can travel anywhere on it. (By the way...OW would see that I am comfortable in her neck of the woods for future reference).

I would go on the trip and be a really awesome wife. I would have plans for things I was going to do on the trip. Day excursions for myself that H could join me in and all sorts of amazing things to do on it. He would be welcome to participate with me. I would know he was probably messing around when not in my site. He would probably be instant messaging/texting her like crazy BUT I would enjoy my trip with my husband like a top notch wife would/should/could. Again, with full knowledge he was still lying/cheating/etc. Plan Aing my booty off and proving to M Y S E L F that I was capable of being my best self given this situation.

I would do this while planning on my plan B (unbeknownst to him).

Really, if you go on the trip plan on it being sort of reverse honeymoon. You are there on a possible end of the marriage but you are aware of it and going to leave the best impression possible before you go dark and must create your future with or without him.

I hope this makes sense and I understand if you are not in the frame of mind to do this. It would take a lot of resolve and ability to not react to some potent triggers to lovebust.

Just wanted to add my input.

How you implement your marriagebuilders plans is unique to you.

I am taking Sapphire's advice. I am not going on the trip. I am moving to Plan B fairly soon - need to talk to an attorney because my WH won't move out without a separation agreement. He made that very clear when we almost separated last month. I haven't obviously said anything to WH. I have not confronted him with my information yet on his phone call. I just said the trip was too expensive.

So he's not going either right??

Cause I thought you were going on a trip a lone...if he's going on that trip bet your @$$ you should be there!! >.<

I would call his company and tell them to cancel his business trip. Can you do that?

If he will let you, go. Absolutely go. If you can go without his ok, go.

Perhaps I haven't made my situation clear enough. WH has his own company. He genuinely needs to be overseas one week every 4 to 6 weeks. He doesn't have anyone else he can send. He will not quit his job, because it's his and his alone and he stands to make a good living at it. Plus he loves it more than me! That's part of our marital issue beyond the affair. He loves his work and doesn't even consider it work and there's not a chance in hell he'll ever give it up. He's ruined his marriage as a result of this. Even if I went on this trip (which I am not going to) I'd have to babysit him 10 times a year and leave my kids with a sitter or family, take time off of my work, my life.

I feel like I have no choice other than to consult an attorney and get separated. I really don't think we have a chance anymore.

I agree, might as well start the divorce process, if he is willing to lose everything all for his work then by all means let him.

It does appear that you are in a lose/lose situation as far as saving your M goes, foreign. Sorry.

Good luck.