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nextOne Offline OP
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It has been 7 months after D-day of my WW�s EA. She got involved in it so deeply in only a few months. She still claims that she had no reasons for it and it �just� happened from �innocent friendly� talks over the phone and emails. She told me that since d-day her feelings and all emotions to me rapidly disappeared. She told me that she wants to work on our marriage, but I cannot see any visible involvement from her. She doesn�t want to talk about her A no more. I heard from her many times �I love you but I am not in love with you� � before. Since 3 months she hasn�t say even that. She doesn�t use any emotional words at all. Her idea of fixing marriage is to wait and maybe one day she will be the same person she was before, because right now she is empty inside. She needs to find herself. Just to pretend we are Ok and wait. I am pretty sure she doesn�t know how bad I feel inside and it looks like she doesn�t care about it or she is afraid to see that. She definitely is under big stress. She mentioned to me that she gets very nervous whenever I want to talk to her about her A, about us and what is going on with her internally. I have not scream on her or treated her bad, but she feels like attacked by me whenever we talk. I tried different approaches, like 180, to be very loving and understanding. If I show her no interest she gets sad that I don�t love and care about her anymore, when I am tender and loving, she is more energized, more smiley with me, but to the certain point. It feels like she build some bariers that she or myself cannot cross. I tried to convince her to read more with me about our current situation, she agreed, but never get back to it. She doesn�t believe counseling will help, so she refused.
If you see us now somewhere, probably you would say: normal couple, but it is only outside image. It disappears always when I want to talk to her or show her affection. She will close up to me, and be unhappy looking and more stressed.
I don�t know how long I can wait for her miracle to come true. I am trying to be as much supportive for her as possible. She says it�s been better last several weeks. Maybe for her, not for me. Sometimes my disappointment for her lack of active involvement takes over me and I want to give up. I become angry and want to forget her to stop the pain I feel inside. I hide my bed emotions from her so far.
Is it possible that she will ever get over her other love and start realizing what is really going on. I was expecting some good signs, some word said to me that show her appreciation.
Is it normal process she is in right now? How you successfully managed to survive it. To all of you FWW, please let me know what you needed from your BH at that time, what could help you to get better.


Me BH 37
Her WW 37
M 15 years
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nextone, having no plan is a plan to fail. Your marriage is now a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage and has never recovered. Nor will it recover until you have a plan.

I would strongly urge you to use the Marriage Builders plan to recover your marriage. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get that book and follow the program in it.

Has your wife ended all contact with the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am not a WW, but here are some thoughts for you. First, your M is not in recovery. If you move your thread over to the Surviving an Affair forum, you will get more readers and more help from veterans.

Next, how does you wife know the OM? Is she still in contact with him? If so, there is really no chance for recovering your marriage until there is no contact between them.

My advice would be to get the book, "Surviving an Affair" as soon as possible. Read all the information on this site and listen to the daily radio broadcasts. You can hear them on line by clicking the link on the left side of the discussion forum entry.

I am sorry this is happening to you. However, this is the best site for getting assistance in recovering a marriage after infidelity.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it a lot.
as far as I know she maintains NC since 4 months. She doesn't really know OP, contact over the phone and email only, swap pictures. She build her own world around what she imagined about "sweet adorated words" he said to her. and boy there was a lot of high promises. After D-day OP became very "family oriented" and tell her to take care about her family and started to avoid her phone calls. She was and probably still is hartbroken. What upsets me a lot is that she pictres OP as very positive and honest person. My argument that good people don't mess others happy mariages and lifes are not good enough to convince her about OP's false intentions.

armymama: how do I move my post to Surviving an Affair forum?


Me BH 37
Her WW 37
M 15 years
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One more quesion.
You both said that I am not in recovery stage. How do I know when recovery begins?

Thank you.


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NextOne,

You need to speak with the OMW, other mans wife, and tell her all the details.

OM will turn his back on your wife and dump her, forever breaking the illusion that OM is her soul mate.

How far away is OM anything less than 500 miles is an easy trip for someone in LOVE, and given the depth of your wifes attraction and the extreme secrecy they may have met.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 01/04/11 09:22 PM.
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Sorry you are in this position. Luckily, you found MB!

SAA (book) would be of great help.

Some random thoughts, I hope I express myself correctly:

Often and esp in such cases, feelings follow actions (whilst the common understanding is the opposite). If she really wants to work on her marriage, she should just begin regardless of her (missing) feelings - they will most probably follow soon.

Quote
She told me that since d-day her feelings and all emotions to me rapidly disappeared.

This was a bit confusing. Does she mean that the loving feelings and emotions for you were there until d-day? I find it hard to believe. AFAIK, the more common situation is that the feelings erode over time, which allows the OM to jump in, and already during the EA, there really are only very few feelings towards the spouse left (it is tough to be emotionally attached to two men simultaneously).

What happened on D-day?

Quote
She mentioned to me that she gets very nervous whenever I want to talk to her about her A, about us and what is going on with her internally. I have not scream on her or treated her bad, but she feels like attacked by me whenever we talk.

Look at the guidelines for successful negotiation (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html), if you haven't yet. Using these will help you discover why she feels attacked. What is she actually afraid of? You have to get her to open up to you, so you could understand the state your marriage was in just a year ago and start repairing your marriage on your side. It is probable that she perceives Love Busters (e.g. disrespectful judgments / DJ-s or selfish demands - SD-s) that you don't even know you are doing.

Don't get me wrong, NextOne and other folks!! I am not justifying the wife, I am fully aware that the responsibility of having any affair falls only on the shoulders of the person committing the affair. You wouldn't want your old marriage back, though, because the conditions in the old marriage allowed the EA to happen. Was it her first A during your 15 years of marriage?

Even if I only have my own experience, I find it a bit odd, that your relationship is in such a state 7 months past D-day. She looks as if she is still in the state of withdrawal, which is a bit weird taking into account the allegedly short duration of the EA (has the length been verified?) When was her last contact with OM? (edit: found the answer - 4 months. Still quite a long time. Of course, being rejected prolongs the withdrawal and moving on as opposed to being the one to reject)

A NC-letter from either side would be an essential step. Have you read about EP-s? Have you done any significant changes in your family life after d-day?

In our case - what helped tremendously was that my DH did and does not do practically any LB-s (at least not the ones Dr Harley lists). I felt secure enough to discuss things with him and didn't have to be afraid of his reaction.

You say:
Quote
I tried different approaches, like 180, to be very loving and understanding. If I show her no interest she gets sad that I don�t love and care about her anymore, when I am tender and loving, she is more energized, more smiley with me, but to the certain point. It feels like she build some bariers that she or myself cannot cross.
As I understand it, your actions and reactions can be quite unexpected, is this true? Perhaps she builds those barriers because she is afraid of the Mr Hyde inside you, even though you do your best to act as Dr Jekyll? Or that this Mr Hyde would use the information you get as dr Jekyll, which in turn means that Dr Jekyll cannot be trusted either? If that is true, I would suggest that you find a way to show her that she is safe with you.

By the way... there are reasons the EA was allowed to happen, they never "just" happen. One reason is, obviously, lack of boundaries, but if it is the first time in 15 years, I think there is more than that to it. But I guess that these reasons will not become clearer until she is out of her wayward fog and state of withdrawal.

What are your WW-s most important emotional needs? Do you know how to fulfill them? How much time per week are you spending together?

edit: Whatever you say to her, I would advise you not to belittle or derogate OM in front of WW. While this will probably make you feel better, it will force her to stand up against you in order to protect OM (wayward thinking + feminine need to protect those who cannot defend themselves). Leave all such trash talking to other family members, so you could be above this; work on showing your good qualities.

And of course - exposing. How many people know? It does wonders, you know.

Last edited by Sparkler; 01/05/11 07:05 AM. Reason: found info in a later post + adding two paragraphs

Me: FWW 31
DH: BH 32
M: April 2001
DSs b 2005 and 2006
EA began summer~autumn 2009, D-Day1 Feb 2010
EA went uglier until NC-letters mid-June 2010
Discovering MB site end of June 2010
D-Day 2 Jul 7, 2010, followed by 2 other D-days (Jul 14, 2010, and Jul 31?, 2010)

Falling back in love - or so it seemed...
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Originally Posted by nextOne
One more quesion.
You both said that I am not in recovery stage. How do I know when recovery begins?

Thank you.

Nextone, recovery begins when you go to the hospital. grin You haven't gone to the hospital yet. What I mean by that, is that you have to have a PLAN of recovery and follow it. The plan at Marriage Builders is to affair proof your marriage [eliminate the conditions that led to the affair] and have a plan to fall in love again.

I agree with the others that you should quietly inform the OM's wife of the affair. That will shut that door so the OM can't easily resume the affair. I would inform the OMW and then let your wife know afterwards.

That plan can be found in the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. Here is an outline:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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And finally... why do you believe it was only an EA? I sure don't. Not based on what you've described.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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NextOne, click on the notify button at the bottom and ask to be moved to the surviving an affair forum. You'll get more help there.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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Ditto what TWC said.


Me: FWW 31
DH: BH 32
M: April 2001
DSs b 2005 and 2006
EA began summer~autumn 2009, D-Day1 Feb 2010
EA went uglier until NC-letters mid-June 2010
Discovering MB site end of June 2010
D-Day 2 Jul 7, 2010, followed by 2 other D-days (Jul 14, 2010, and Jul 31?, 2010)

Falling back in love - or so it seemed...
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Hi N1,

I'm new here, but sure sounds like your W is still either in contact or hasn't mentally accepted broken or NC. As long as she pines for OM, she can't focus on you or even realize the fog she is/was in.

T10


Me: BH 50
W: 43
DD 12
DD 10
EA Exposed / D Day: 4-30-2010
W strongly disputes / denies EA - thats the problem
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Originally Posted by RookKev
And finally... why do you believe it was only an EA? I sure don't. Not based on what you've described.
I tend to believe they never met. Very big geographic distance. It was possible, but she denies it happened.


Me BH 37
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MelodyLane, Unfortunately I cannot inform OMW, OM is single.


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nextOne,
Based on what you've said...I would approach this as both a PA and an EA. I know you are clinging to the idea of only an EA, we all did, but the reality of it is, there are VERY FEW people that end up here, at this board, and it was only emotional. Distance is irrelevant, especially with a single man. Guys will do anything they can to get a score, you should know that by now.

I think if you take the time to read this board, and go through ALOT of posts, you will start to see the actions of your wife replicated in some of these posts. I'm sure they will provide you with some keen insight. I do believe, that since she is still with you, you have some hope for recovery. But understand this, in my opinion, the only way you are going to make progress is to grow a spine. You can not sit and wallow over the past... you must just make up your mind, and take it all in, then move forwards. It's tough when she won't come clean, but, that's ok. If you just tell yourself it's the worst case, and I forgive her, then you take care of that problem now. When she does feel safe and admits it, you hopefully will be able to respond in an acceptable manner.

Remember, although you feel like you have no control, and it's all hinging on her, you are wrong. You have all the control too. You are making a choice to let her be a part of your life still. That is your choice, you get to decide how you want that part to be, not just accept the scraps she gives you. It's ok to be a 'jerk', stand up for yourself. You can't mistreat her, but you do get to be a man, you do get to draw a line in the sand and say, not my life, not my wife, not in my marriage. You are accepting her back into your life, not the other way around. I know it doesn't feel this way, but...she is hiding behind the bravado of 'ILYBNILWY' statement to keep you scared.

hang in there.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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If there is NC and the affair is over, then you probably aren't doing a very good job of meeting her ENs and making love bank deposits, or you are making love busting withdrawals at a greater clip. Give your WW the EN and LB questionnair (links at the top of the website) and have her fill them out. This will help you learn how to meet her ENs better. If you are meeting her ENs (while avoiding LBs) and no other man is, eventually she will start to fall in love with you again.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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He probably has GF and dumped your WW. Look up Reynolds thread in Surviving Affair forum - he had similar siutation. WW got dumped because OM did not want to leave GF. The fact your wife is still not honest says she's still hiding things. Ask her to take a polygraph to confirm she's telling the truth that is was only EA. You have to willing to go through with poly.

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) � Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

G


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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Sorry you are here. My wife's married OM flew on a plane from over 1000 miles away to see my wife. Don't kid yourself about long distances, as people will go to any length to pursue an A. Of course, they will look you in the eye and swear on their mother's grave that they are not having an A. Her behavior is a classic symptom of an on-going affair.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.

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