Yeah my state doesn't allow AOAs. Most don't actually.

Try anyway..it's worth a shot, some judges might be in your favor knowing she has been talking to other men just keep all the evidence. I know I would.

This is why I have followed the route with you that I have followed.

The distance and length of separation are very difficult, if not impossible. I want to believe that it is not impossible, but the normal tactics for these situations are very difficult to pull off when you are so far away, and don't have good family support.

Make yourself a honey pot in a bear trap. Make her get careless and lazy so that you can gather your evidence, and when the time is ripe, you can STRIKE.

Gather what evidence? All methods of gathering have been removed. All I can do is talk to people. That is it. No one around that knows enough to help me install programs/spy software, and if they did she wouldn't let them. Phone logs aren't telling me much, and she's barely texting anyone.

Chris, you're still trying to "educate" her, and she's not open to that! She's going to see you as boorish, controlling, overbearing, etc...

Let me ask you this, if she was a single woman that you're trying to attract, what would you be doing now?

Talk to her.

This allows you to meet two of the four Intimate ENs, Conversation and Affection.

Do you see how the Relationship talking has been a huge LB?

I know how you feel about being separated from family. I have a Sea Counter of 3yrs, 10mths, and 21 days. The only contact I had was letters and phone calls when in port.

Don't be disheartened by this. IMHO, you have been so wrapped up in breaking up this Affair/Addiction from a long distance that you see as impossible. Accept it! At this moment in time you can only use the Carrot and Stick of Plan A.

Do you understand how to use the Carrot and Stick?

Apparently not.

**DJ incoming, please don't remind me**


So she sent me a message telling me she's going to a birthday party at 6. I log on around 8:30 and see her on FB so I shoot her a message, "thought you were at a bday party?"

Her: I was
Me: Who was it for?
Her: Perry. That's why I didn't stay long
Me: lol. Any other big plans tonight?

There is about a 30 minute gap right here. So I log into WoW to see what's up.

Sure enough she is logged in and playing.

She sends me a message.

Her: Hey babe, give me a minute in boss fight
Me; yeah sure np
Her: =(

Sometime during this I notice she replied on facebook

Her: No, just gaming

So I swapped back over to WoW and sent her this message:

Me: I'm still trying to figure out how you're too tired, too busy, too sick for me and our marriage, but have plenty of time and energy to do everything with everyone else.

Then logged out. I'm about this | | close to just giving up and moving on. This seems so hopeless.

That depends on the contents of the conversation. And that's what I'm getting at here. Hey, I can start rattling off about nuclear physics to my FWW, but that sure ain't gonna make deposits into her LB for me.

Content counts.

Have you really given a Plan A a chance?

It is really FOXTROT UNIFORM CHARLIE KILO INDIA NOVEMBER GOLF unfair that the BS has to do the heavy lifting. And you have it really bad, that you are over their sacrificing. Military service is about sacrifice. And right now the things that people normally can do, you can't.

Nobody is telling you what to do. The choice is all yours. No matter what you decide I believe the people here can help you. Including me.

Have you spoken to a chaplain?

I agree it is unfair. Unfortunately, communicating has been our weakest point lately and with all these issues, and me being so far away, I don't think I'm going to be able to rely on communicating to fix everything. I'm at the point where I'm ready to just sit around and see what happens and work this issue in person when I get home.

And yes I've seen a Chaplain, accomplished nothing.

What do you know about the Love Bank and Love Busters?

I'm not re-answering questions. I've read all the articles and have said I am incorporating them into my daily. My wife is not accepting them.

It doesn't matter how much I know about these processes if she doesn't want to use them.

Simple yeah?

What is ur plan? This is ur decision, if u think u can't do this anymore then file for a divorce.

But if u feel like u can stick with all the lieing, and cheating and wait till u get home then....

If u r willing to stick to it I would consider doing plan a with no more relationship talk, no more expectations, etc...

If u start getting upset with her then exit urself from the conversation so u do not lovebust, or do any disrespected judgements, etc.

Can u do that till u get home?

Or if its too hard to talk to her have u considered plan b? I'm not sure how much plan a u have done but it sounds like u need to control ur emotions and have no more expectations.

At the moment, I think you should be using the techniques without expectations, e.g. "Plan A". The idea is to show your W your best side. Keep this in mind whenever you engage in any communication with her.

One more thing...

You can not educate with a WW anything u say about recovering ur marriage....fixing ur issues...helping the marriage/relationship, will go in one ear and right out the other...

She will be more annoyed at you so no more teaching a WW got it??

Everytime wheels brought up anything about what to do to fix out marriage I got mad. This is hard for u I know because u are soo far away, so think it in another way......

Send her good morning texts like have a nice day today
Send her flowers or her fav desert
Send her pix of u and love letters
Write her letters and remind her of good happy memories
Etc...

Can u do that till u get home?
Remember no expectations if she doesn't care about the gifts just keep doing it.

I AM currently working plan A and it went from being partially started a few days ago to being 100% full motion this morning. I am willing to work on this if I feel like I'm getting something in return. If I still feel ignored then I'm going to think she's not interested and probably move on.

We had a long talk this morning after the other post and have fully implemented plan A. We both talked about some issues that were bothering us, nothing was really "solved" per say, but we agreed to work on positives and quit mentioning the negatives.

This was the last thing I sent her before she went to bed. It mentions the two biggest issues my wife has with me. The porn thing I've already mentioned and the one female friend I briefly mentioned, but here I mention it a bit more indepth because she was asking me if I had feelings for her and a physical attraction to her. The key thing to note about this "relationship" was that my wife was telling our whole life story to 3-4 other guys, emotionally disconnecting from me, etc so I sought another female to give my attention to. I didn't emotionally connect with her and I never physically met her. As soon as my wife expressed that she didn't like the relationship I ended it immediately (point proven) and have never contacted her again (not something my wife can say she's done).

(Toliak is Jon)

Almost every day I tell her good morning and good night, and always say I love her, hope she feels better, ask her what she's doing, if she's feeling okay, etc.

I have been doing the gifts. I sent gifts for Christmas (His & her watches). I sent Flowers for Christmas (candy cane roses). I already had her Anniversary gift made (custom made, engraved, jewelry box), her birthday present made (pendant with the birthstones of us and our 3 kids in it), and have many more plans for more gifts (including a Pink Topaz Necklace/Earring Set). And I just recently sent home a care package with some Afghan scarves, some Afghan purses for the kids, candy, letters, colored pictures, etc for everyone.

Recently I planned a vacation for us in June. I told her I wanted it to be a game between us, no googling, asking for help, etc. I would post clues on her facebook page or mine every so often with random facts or pictures of this place and her task is to try and figure it out in 6 months. So far I've given her 3 clues and this is the enthusiastic response I got after the third one:



She never expressed to me that she DID NOT want to play so I thought she was all for it. Should I stop this game or continue on with it? If she's not enjoying it should I do it anyways just to show I am trying and care. She knows I mean well...

An exampple of some of the poetry I've written her. There's a bunch:


Throughout II

Five long years ago,
I wrote "Throughout" part 1.
I was facing some hard times,
But for you, I stopped for none.

Today I progress our story,
I write you another rhyme.
To let everyone know I love you,
And forever, you are mine.

The last few years have been rough,
I was lost on what to do.
But we battled through the pain,
And we fought to pull through.

Just when I thought it was over,
We came to an agreement.
You assured me of the mistakes,
How you said, was not how you meant.

Since then things have been great,
Until one day a call on the line,
Informs me I have to leave,
For a year, that's some time!

We prepared and we readied,
But in the bitter end,
Nothing can prepare you,
For what lurks around that bend.

More hard times are upon us,
But we both remain strong.
To give up on ourselves now,
Would do our babies wrong.

You now hold the homefront,
The problems never seem to stop.
Even when you feel caught up,
Issues arise, and you want to drop.

You tell me of your pain,
You tell me of your worry.
The stress builds high,
So for you, I write this story.

Now just like last time,
I will help you when you're down.
I will kiss away your tears,
And take away your frown.

For no woman stands,
Nearly as tall as you.
Unlike most of the others,
You now do the job of two.

You have a lot on your plate,
But you manage it well,
If it was any other woman,
They would have cursed to hell.

But you hold strong,
You're an inspiration to all,
You keep it all together,
Without you, we'd fall.

I thank you for all you do,
I love you very much.
I miss your bright smile,
And your soft touch.

When that day finally comes,
We will finally have reprieve.
I want you to know,
I love you more, than you can believe.

Your lips upon mine,
My arms around you.
I'll whisper in your ear,
"I missed you too."