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Emilia Offline OP
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I will try to explain my long story as short as I can...
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. A month ago I discovered he has an affair with a woman they share the same interest and because of that they often spend time in the same company. This is how they met in the first place. Around the same time they began their affair I got pregnant with a child we had been waiting for 4 years.
By the time I discovered the affair they had been lovers for a month, they had spent at least one or two weekends together, had sex, sent lovely e-mails and text messages...It was a real shock to discover all that. I confronted him, he admitted everything and told me it happened because at one point, about a year ago, he felt I don�t love him anymore so he tried to stop loving me... and it worked. So now he has found someone who gives him what he needs, they have so much incommon, they are in love, there�s a lot of passion etc. The woman had just separated from her long time boyfriend, so the time was right for her too. And he also told me, he never really wanted a child and agreed to have one just because he thought I wanted one. When I asked why he didn�t tell me any of that, he said, he had hoped that our relationship will get better and he will love me again... But it didn�t, probably because by that time I really wanted a child and I was so stressed and mainly into planning the proceedures and hoping to get pregnant and I just forgot my husbands needs.
But he agreed to wait, not to end our marriage, but he also told me he can�t stop the affair. And he hasn�t so far, as far as I know, they haven�t met so often and probably haven�t been intimate. But they still send e-mails, text messages and probably call eachother saying they love eachother (I recently accitentalt saw an e-mail for a second) and probably still hope finally to be with eachother... SO the flame is still burning and hot, because they don�t let it calm down. But I just can not accept that. I really, so badly, want to restore our marriage. After reading this site I understand my mistakes and I want to make it all better for him. But how to make him want the same? So far I have just tried to meet his emotional needs more than before, avoid love busters...But he resists. He says I am acting strange, I am kissing and hugging him too much, I offer him too many chances to do something together, because "before we never did" as he said. But at the same time we get along really well, though ofcourse things are not the same and sometimes we both feel unconfortable. But we still talk, laugh...And I feel like there is hope every time I see a spark in his eye when he is looking at me. But sometimes I see nothing, as if I don�t exist for him... It is just so painful, especially when we have a baby coming and our life as a family is finally starting...
Do I have a reason to hope that our marriage will restore? I don�t think their relationship will end just like that, becuse they still meet because of their hobby and they would meet even i the affair would be ended... I feel I love him so much and I am so ready to continue our relationship. So far he has just told me he is sorry he has hurt me so bad. But that�s all. The affair still continues, now it has been continued about 2-3 months already and he is not with me emotionally. I know he wants to see where this affair is going...maybe they are not right for eachother anyway. But I feel it is so unfair...I am his wife, carrying his child and that�s what should matter...But I a can�t reallt talk to him, because it usually ends with my panic attack and depression. And I can see that it is already frightening him. So I just try to live my life as normal as possible to make him to feel comfortable with me again. But for how long? Every day I am afraid that he comes to me and says he will now leave me for this other woman...

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Have you exposed this affair?

Read everything on this site, but your marriage is an easy fix if your willing to do the work?

Gather all the evidence you have of the Affair
Expose the affair to..
Family/friends/co-workers/OW family/friends/ETC..
Read everything on this site about exposure, plan A, and Plan B.

I am so sorry you are here but you need to realize that he is lieing to you, he is rewriting history ALL WS do they are justifying there adultery do not believe one word that comes out of his pie hole.

One more thing I would like to add...

Affairs THRIVE on secrecy so the longer you wait on exposure the longer you are enabling your husband to sleep with this other woman.

Sorry again that you are here but you turned to the right place.

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OH one more thing about exposure...

If he found his "soul Mate" Why not tell everyone the GOOD NEWS laugh

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Originally Posted by Emilia
By the time I discovered the affair they had been lovers for a month, they had spent at least one or two weekends together, had sex, sent lovely e-mails and text messages....

The woman had just separated from her long time boyfriend, so the time was right for her too. And he also told me, he never really wanted a child and agreed to have one just because he thought I wanted one.
Welcome to MB, Emilia. I am sorry to hear of these dreadful events, especially since you are pregnant. When is your baby due?

You say that they met because of an interest they share. Could you tell us what this is? Is it something like running, or church involvement? Does that mean that she lives in your neighbourhood?

Do they work together, or are they connected through work in any way? If they do not work together, there is no need to expose the affair to either of their employers, but you should if they do.

Do your families know about his affair? Are the families supporting you?

Do you know this woman personally? Do you know anything about her parents or siblings? Have you looked her up on Facebook, or another site? Do they post about their interest on a web forum?

How did he manage to spend weekends with her? What did he tell you to explain his absence?

How old are you, your H and OW? Lastly, I take it that there are no other children?



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Emilia Offline OP
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My...our...baby is due in July. It�s our first child. I am 29, my husband is 34 and she is 28.

The interest they share is photography. It has been my husbands hobby for years and I know he really loves it. And I have always been happy for him, that he has something he can do with other people than me. He works at home, so this is his chance to go out and meet other people. As I meet other people at work. At least that�s what I thought. I have been joining him sometimes, but mostly not, because it has no point if I am not taking photos also.

She lives in the same town, probably somewhere in 10 km or so. But they have this one certain great group of people who go to "phototrips", sometimes over a weekend, sometime one day, once or twice a year for a week. My husband has done that for couple of years, but she joined this group about 5 months ago and soon after that they started communicating more closely. But because this hobby is my husbands second, if not to say first love, I am not surprised it happened with someone like her...Now, I realize that, after reading MB...

His mother knows and some of his friends. But they don�t want to get involved. I know they have told him not to hurry and not to burn any bridges, because this affair really may be just an affair and they may not click in "real life". But that�s it. I guess that�s one reason why he is still continuing...he wants to see where this affair is going and to get to know her better to see if they would be right for eachother...Because that�s basically what everyone have told him. I don�t know, maybe that�s still a good thing, maybe otherwise he would have left me without thinking...But his mother is supporting me too, she just doesn�t want to take sides.

My friends or family don�t know anything. I don�t want to tell them, because if we survive, then I don�t want them to look at him differently. But they would hate him if they knew.

I don �t know her personally, but I have contacted her through Facebook and I have her phone number. I even called her once, but didn�t really tell much. What could I tell her? She knows how I feel about all this anyway. Her mother has passed away and his father is probably not in the picture for a long time already. But I know her brother, also from Facebook. I have thought of letting him know...but I am not sure if that would help.

They probably spent a weekend or two together when my husband told me he is on a "phototrip" for a weekend. It is not uncommon at all, so ofcource I believed him. I didn�t know what was going on yet. He also acted really strange, woke up early in the morning (usually he doesn�t, because he works at home), showered and left home as soon as I left for work. His trips to nearby supermarket took 2-3 hours, instead of usual 0,5-1 hour. As I discovered later, it was because they had intimate meetings. But after I found everything out, all of this has been stopped. He spends more time at home and with me. Though he still has been meeting her because of their hobby. And he tells me they will be meeting in future also, even if he stays with me... And in the meanwhile they are sending these lovely e-mails etc. so no owonder his feelings are not still the same about our marriage and me...

Everyone (his mother and one of his friends from this photo group) has told me just to stay calm and positive and try to be nice to him. Because there is not much to do now, just to wait and see what time will bring. But I don �t want to wait just like that, I want to do something to help myself and our marriage. But what makes it difficult...he just waits as his friends and family told him to, so I can�t get any help from him and I am saving our marriage alone.

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You do a full exposure to all your family, her facebook friends everyone. She is so proud to be in an affair you ensure all know about her behaviours. If you require words post and some will be provided , check the site for Plan A articles , one of the first steps is Plan A is a full exposure, as an new poster you may doubt this , do not.

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Emilia Offline OP
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I am just so afraid that my husband will get angry and then he will no longer think and just leave me...But I have just sent a message to her brother. Maybe that�s at least something.

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Quote
my husband will get angry
Almost certainly. He will get angry because in exposing his A you will be

- enlisting the moral disapproval of his family/friends on your side in this fight, leaving him alone on "Tawdry Island."

- revealing skank-ho as a ......well, skank-ho, whose self respect is so poor that she cannot imagine earning the love of a decent man, but only stealing that love from another woman's life. Her discomfiture at the approbation she will receive cannot reflect well in their relationship.

Quote
he will no longer think and just leave me
Not likely, and not permanently, even if he does for a while. But if he's going to bolt over the truth of his actions being brought to light, in effect he has already left you. Having his physical presence gone will at least make it consistent with having his emotional being absent.

Hang on tight, the roller coaster ride

[Linked Image from kathika.com]

is about to commence.

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Originally Posted by Emilia
I am just so afraid that my husband will get angry and then he will no longer think and just leave me...But I have just sent a message to her brother. Maybe that�s at least something.

Hi Emilia. sorry that u find yourself here. you are not alone. Sapphirereturns post above pretty much says it all. you need to expose his affair. he WILL be angry. expect it. u see, he is NOT thinking. if he was, then why is he in this affair? the message to her brother is a start not the end. please listen to the advice that you are being given. i am a firm believer in using what works. this works. stupid marriage counselors are dime a dozen. their success rate is poo. if your H thought this woman was soooo great, then he wouldnt be sneaking around. you are his W, you are married to him. i know it seems as if we live in a time when "everyone" does it. but if that is so, why does the words "affair," "infidelity" and "cheating" carry the connotations that they do?

1. start gathering your data of who she is, where she lives, her FB friends, her family and all of the same for your H.
2. put that list together
3. then draft an exposure email/letter. post it on FB, send it to everyone on the list. do not worry about his embarrassment, do not worry hers. he WILL be very angry. duh. big surprise. what he is doing is unseemly, dishonorable, inappropriate, immoral and plain old wrong. expect rage. that is the norm in these cases. he will spout the typical drivel:
"i hate you."
"this guarantees that we will never be together again."
"i do not see any hope for us."
"i am leaving you."
"we shouldve never gotten married."
"i never loved you."
"i hate how you sleep at night."
"i dont like how your breath smells in the morning, that's why we are done."
"she is taller (or shorter or thinner or fatter) than you are, that's why we were destined to be together."
"she is a great photographer."

blah, blah, blah. total BS. i have heard them all from my W and from reading the posts of many others on this and other sites. I am still dealing w/ a wacko in my situation. they are blind. they have been described as aliens bc they are. how else would you explain a married mother of 5 taking up with a married father of 4 who moves 1000 miles away from his family to carry on w/ my W and 2 other women? this is my replacement? LOL. and it was ALL my fault, BTW. she is sticking to that one really tightly bc the alternative is actually stepping up and assuming responsiblity for your extreme choice. i know this is hard to really accept, but be prepared for a whole lot of nonsense, untruths and things that are downright confusing. he will wax and wane, say i want for us to be together, i want for us to separate, i want a divorce. it will make your head spin.

4. read up about plan A to start. browse the MB website. lots of great advice.

try putting off exposure and you WILL regret it. your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it too. "cakeeating." who wouldn't like to have 2 women on the hook providing for his needs. i too would opt for that. DO NOT sell yourself short and allow it to happen. you deserve better than that. do not for once think that whatever it is that you seemingly did justifies his choice to engage in immorality and infidelity. where is your anger? it is not to say that you should lash out, scream or throw a tantrum. you have been wronged. he has committed a sin (if you subscribe to that idea) or a grave wrong. you can still love him and acknowledge that he eff'd up and it pisses you off. dont be afraid. if he wants to leave, then go ahead. do not think he will. be strong Emilia. your name in Greek means "soft/friendly." don't be.

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Emilia, are you in Europe? I'm in London.


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Originally Posted by Emilia
I am just so afraid that my husband will get angry and then he will no longer think and just leave me...But I have just sent a message to her brother. Maybe that�s at least something.
Emilia, don't expose a little bit here and a little bit there. Exposure needs to be done in one fell swoop, so the adulterers don't realize what you're doing until after you've done it. Make your list of exposure targets first. We'll help you figure out what to do with it after that.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Emilia Offline OP
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Emilia, are you in Europe? I'm in London.

Yes, I am in Europe, lets say Northern Europe.

But I just don�t know about the exposure...So far, everyone who know, have said they feel sorry for the situation, but they don�t want to get involved. And I just don�t know who I should inform so that it would really matter to my H and OW. My family will probably just tell me to leave this man, they wouldn�t understand why I want to stay. His friends will be on his side and her friends probably on her side. Or they will take no sides at all.

By the way.., her brother already knew. So they both have been telling it to their closest friends and family. I am really confused... Are they proud of it?

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We will help you with the words, no matter what you think his friends and family will be more than embarrassed by his activities if you do the exposure properly. Please check and copy the links of all her facebook friends into word. Understand you are not the first to be fearfull of exposure , if you choose to do nothing you may as well start Plan D - divorce. Hope, faith, trust, prayer, watch and wait will not stop the affair , tangible steps developed by Marriage Builders -Dr. Harley are effective. This is not a telling off, you are being aligned behind the principles of this site these are geared to give you the best chance of saving your marriage.

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Emilia you need to understand that exposure is the NUMBER ONE way to kill an affair so my question is this....

Do you love your husband?
DO you want your husband back?
Are you willing to fight for your marriage?

If the answer is YES YES YES then you need to expose to everyone, what are you afraid of? that your husband might sleep with another woman? Guess what...HE IS ALREADY DOING THAT!!!!

Please do not make this worse, if you expose to EVERYONE on OW side and your side then the affair will be in the light and affairs thrive on secrecy the only reason why his family does not want to be involved because he probably told them all this BULL crap about how miserable he was in his marriage, trickling exposure will do that, but if you do NUCLEAR exposure he wont have time to twist his story. Do you understand??

You need to understand a WS

THEY LIE
THEY CHEAT
THEY LIE
THEY ARE SELFISH
THEY LIE
THEY DON'T CARE
THEY LIE
THEY WILL DO ANYTHING THEY CAN TO KEEP THE AFFAIR GOING


and one more thing THEY LIE!!!!

WS rewrite history to justify what they are doing, and when EVERYONE knows about his affair the fog will start to lift and he will realize what he has done was WRONG!

But until you expose you lady are enabling his affair.

Is that what you want?? If you are ok with him sleeping with the OW, and taking your husband away then by all mean do NOT EXPOSE!!

But if you want this affair to end...

then EXPOSE!!

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 01/13/11 10:02 AM.
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and remember....you are not alone anymore...you have us laugh

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I think you should approach your MIL and his family that his affair is affecting your marriage right now, and he is causing an inevitable divorce because of the advice they are giving him. Their advice is ruining your marriage. They either want him to leave you or stay with you because this affair will affect your marriage even more if it is played out slowly over time. Their support of his affair is ruinig your marriage, and I think they ought to know that.

I would also suggest going on his photography trips with him, to cause strife in the affair. I know you live there but I would love to go on a photography trip through "Northern Europe" I think it is beautiful country. My ancestry is Norweigan, Danish, and English I would love to see that area of the world.

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This stitch is crazy because.....

You still haven't exposed to the OMW
Or your children
Your husband then cheated
And wont end all contact

sigh....please do the following...

first thing first expose to OMW/children
then talk to his family (like wheels mentioned)
plan A your husband (how long have you been doing plan A?)
If you have been doing plan A I suggest you start getting ready for plan B

Please know that we are not telling you to do all this stuff because we think this "MIGHT" work no there have been countless marriages that have been saved using the MB principle, and if you have been reading this site you will trust us.

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Emilia, nice to see you in this forum also;-)

You have already some heavy hitters here helping you. I do encourage you listen to them and read here as much as you can.

I am rooting for you.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Originally Posted by Emilia
My friends or family don�t know anything. I don�t want to tell them, because if we survive, then I don�t want them to look at him differently. But they would hate him if they knew.

Emilia,
So sorry you are here. Your in a great place now. Listen to the VETS, they have 'been there,done that' and know what works and doesn't work.

Why are you protecting your cheating spouse? He is sleeping with another woman while you are carrying his child for goodness sake! Is he protecting you and your unborn child from his lack of boundries? NO.

You MUST expose. You MUST tell everyone that knows your WH(wayward husband).

You're worried about how others will look at him if they knew about his A(affair)? How will YOU look at him tommorow, next week, in a year? How do YOU look at him NOW?



BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


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Emilia, you cannot be afraid of the consequences of exposure. That is for him to worry about when you do it. There is a chance he could leave, but if you don't do anything, the chances are even greater that he will leave.

You have a child on the way. When you throw water in his face with exposure, he is likely to come to his senses and see that he has a wife and new child on the way. A's are very powerful and cause people to literally lose their mind.

Don't sit back and let this filthy A continue. Fight for your marriage using the advice given here. We have all seen this before.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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