My wife and I have been married for 3.5 years and together for 11.5. We have 4 children - two of which are from my wife's prev marriage. Up until April 2010 I would have said we were I would have said happily married. We argued a fair bit but always have as both of us are strong minded.
In April, my wife's half brother commited suicide. This obviously was devastating for the family. Now they way I tried to react was for her to lean on me and for us to tackle it together i.e. visiting her family 80 miles away but she just wanted to have her own space and be with her 2 other half-brothers and dad. I found this hard to deal with esp looking after 4 children and holding a job down although she only went at weekends. It prob is fair to say I acted needy. We argued more and then she found out her step dad had cancer who later died in October. In early Sept she told me she had lost feelings for me and saw me more as a brother. Now I put this all done to what had happened and I kept on asking her what the matter was etc. and I suppose I was smothering her. In Oct we split up and since then intimacy has totally gone. We still share a bed but its very distant and cold. I am still trying everything I can to get our marriage back on track. She says the deaths in her family have nothing to do with these lost feelings and that all they did is made her realise she wasn't happy in the marriage as it made her look on life differently. Now she brings up things that happened years ago that didn't mean anything to me at the time, some things I don't even remember. She says she wants to end it permanently but she seems quite happy living in the house with me and the kids but no feelings still and no intimacy. She seems very secretive about things - what she is doing, where she goes, she doesn't like going out with me for fear of arguments. She absolutely point bank refuses to go and see councillors and gets annoyed with me that I think I know the reasons why she may have lost feelings. She is extremely close to one of her half-brothers to the point where she gets annoyed if I talk about him. He appears at our house alot (80 miles away), she talks to him alot on facebook and he even bought her tickets to see a band for New years eve - a xmas present. Just them two. Iused to go to bed after late nights and she wouldn't come up to bed and she would be staying down with him. She even stayed out in the car all night with him after an argument. I have found myself getting jealous over the time he spends with her even though there can't be anything going on and when I did mention it she thought I was sick or something. Im sure there isn't and I think it is someone she can talk to but doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She says I never listened in the past. I always felt I did though. All the things she is saying apart from the lost feelings dont seem like relationship busters to me but she says she would rather live with her children in a small house than with me there. We are getting on better lately but there is just no intimacy from her. I try and give her hugs but it is always me giving her hugs and kisses. I love her so much and I write poems to her, letters about how I feel but it doesn't make any difference. She says she has no feelings and she wont change her mind. Any help greatly appreciated.

Hi RL10, welcome.

Your W's relationship with her half brother is unacceptable. But you already know that - your gut is telling you so.
I doubt that you were smothering her. I doubt that you acted needy. She is currently rewriting your marital history so that she has a 'reason' for her inappropriate behavior.

Have you explained to your W that her relationship with her brother is upsetting you? What is her response to that?

Well Ive made it pretty clear that I didn't like it but every time I bring him up she says "what problem do you have with my brother" and "you wouldn't have a problem if i slept in the same bed as my sister, would you" (sorry may have missed that bit out - they have shared same bed when she was visiting family). Absolutely assures me nothing is going on but it doesn't make me feel very good. It gets to the point when you don't want to mention it because she is grieving still and you don't want to make the atmosphere worse. With what happened to her other brother she obviously wnats to feel closer to both her brothers than she did before - perhaps there is guilt there I don't know. She isn't that close with her other brother who shares my feelings.
But really all this is beside the point - she has lost feelings for me which I would like to get back. I think because she didn't like the way I reacted to her going away to be with her family all the time, she started analysing our marriage and she looked on life very differently after her brother's death.

Reallove10, may I suggest you ask the moderators to move this thread to the Marriage Builders 101 forum? You'll certainly get more responses there!

You might also choose to have it moved to the Surviving An Affair forum, as this type of behavior most certainly skirts her having an affair, if not directly points to it.

Good luck.

Im new to this. How do I talk to the mods?

I really dont think she is having a thing with her brother. I think I have got paranoid and jealous. But there is always that nagging doubt. I think she just can talk to him and feels she cant talk to me anymore - she has said she thinks I judge her, check up on her etc. (I prob have a little e.g. check if she is online and if her brother is at the time etc. since she told me feelings have gone because it came as a complete shock).

I personally don't think the mods should have put this into "Surviving an affair". I really don't think she is - especially with her halfd brother. Thats just wrong. Please move to Marriage Builders - as this is where I will get more constructive assistance. I need to know what I can do (without her going to counselling because she refuses and without having to talk to her about this site I am visiting) for her to start seeing a better side of me i.e. building the love bank so she starts falling in love with me again.

This right here seems like a big

Have you done any snooping to see if she may be involved with someone other than the half-brother (cause I don't really want to go there)?

Usually, sneaking around and being secretive about things is a huge sign that your wife may indeed be having an A.

As a BS, I couldn't believe that my FWW could be having an A with the OM in question, and would have had difficulty believing anyone that told me so. Of course, when the truth came out...

What you've wrote suggests that an A is going on, and has being going on for awhile.

You need to click the "notify" button at the bottom of any of the posts on the thread and ask a moderator to move this to MB 101. They won't do it unless you click "notify".

Oops! When I started reading the thread it was on Other Topics!

I'm not sure what you mean by "nothing is going on." Something is going on -- she's building a relationship with her brother instead of with her husband. You and she are both aware of this and she admits it, right? Isn't this a problem, regardless of the nature and details of the relationship? Isn't it a problem for you that she is spending time with her brother instead of with you?

Here are signs of a person who is in an affair:
1) they say "I love you but Im not in love with you" or I think of you as a brother
2) they are secretive
3) they hide or leave to go text
4) they have tons of text like 1000 a week to one person
5) FB and email is very active with the same person
6) they leave often and you dont know where they are going
7) they re-write history
8) they bring up old problems that are irrelevant anymore
9) they are quick to get angry over anything
10) they claim they are victims of the marriage
11) they ignore basic parental responsibilites

the list goes on...

You need evidence to convince yourself that this is not an affair.

You need to get a VAR and put it on the car or wherever else your wife talks to her half-brother. You need to know what they are talking about.

You need to put flexispy on her cell phone.

You need to put a keylogger on your computer.

You need to look at phone bills and determine how much time she is communicating with her brother.

Do these things for a week or two and really get down to the bottom of why she is doing this. If it is not an affair, then you will know what is hurting her to keep secrets from you. You can figure out how to fix your marriage.

If it is an affair then you have some work to do.

Either way this relationship with her brother is harming your marriage, and you can't just sit theere and let her do that to your marriage.

Wheels is a very smart man ;P he wasn't blind when I was doing all this to him..

<3 <3

This sounds rather like a Jeff Foxworth parody. "If you hide your phone from your spouse, you might be having an affair". If you get mad everytime your spouse questions you about your actions, you might be having an affair".

I do think that those thinking an affair is going on are wrong. She just doesn't have the time. She is always at home at night and busy with kids in the day. Any time I have come back in the day she is just doing her normal day. I think because of all the distrust Ive shown in the past few months she has become secretive because Ive challenged her a couple of times which just makes the situation worse.

She said tonite the main reason for her feelings going is that I just don't listen and that we disagree about everything. I just feel we are both strong minded and opinionated and because of her grief she has become so negative about us and because of the way I reacted when she told me she had lost feelings. I constantly was on at her probably every day asking why she felt that way and at first she didnt really know. Recently she has come out with things that yes they happened but I never realy thought they were that big. For example, we would have a silly argument. I would give my opinion even though she said I was trying to force my opinion on her. Then when I do pause when she starts speaking she would then stop so I would carry on talking to fill the silence and she would say I am not listening to her and I dont let her finish.

Regarding any snooping, she is now deleting texts which I must admit sounds fishy but I think that was down to an occasion when I challenged her on something I found on a text which could have been taken lots of ways granted. The only thing I think would be useful is what and who she writes to on facebook. But I can't do that without her password and if Im on it (if I did find her password) when she is on it she would know surely. Then if she finds out Im snooping and there is nothing she has done then I would really have blown it!!!

Just need to know how I can get her to love me again which involves me addressing the issues she has mentioned. But she is adamant that she will not change her mind. So I feel this is all pointless even though I have alot of feelings for her.

First, see Wheels' list.

Second, see Wheels' list.

Third - you can't earn her love back if she is allowing someone else to make deposits, which causes withdrawals from your account without your consent or knowledge.

Lastly - denial is getting you nowhere.

Actually...

You can be logged into Facebook from multiple locations and you you don't DO anything except look and observe....

The other person won't know you are there.

For example...

If you know she is on and sending FB messages, you can log on and go to her Sent messages and see what was sent.

You can also go to Sent and see messages when they're received.

You can also watch chats that are going on while logged on at a different location.

As long as you don't inject anything, close out the chat window, etc...you're a "ghost".

*****

How to get her to love you? Lol...easier said than done.

1) Love Busters book. Get it. Read it.

If you can't read it soon, at least start with this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Ask her what LB's she feels you do to her, and ask her to review the ones that she does to you:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html

Work your A$$ off at avoiding LB's.

If its a non-major issue that you want to give your opinion on, but you think she might take it wrong...don't give it "Silence is golden" sometimes.

2) His Needs/Her Needs. Read it...both of you.

If you can't get it soon, go through the basic concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Go through the Emotional Needs Questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Find out what her top 5 EN's are...and work your a$$ off to meet them for her. Every day. No excuses.

She, of course, has to be willing to meet you 1/2 way and start meeting your top 5 EN's in a way that is agreeable to you. You might want SF immediately (I know I sure have wanted it from my wife) but I'll tell you right now, from experience, thats not going to happen immediately!

From the sounds of it, there are a couple I can think would be hers:

Love Bustes you do to her from the sounds of it:
1) Disrespectful Judgements
2) Annoying Habits
-- finishing her sentences, for example

Emotional needs that I think she may want filled:
1: Conversation
2: Honesty/Openness

Just some food for thought

Good luck!

Are you aware that an affair can be (mostly) conducted via computer, facebook, texting, etc? any one of or all of the above? The fact that she doesn't leave the house often or isn't away overnight, etc is not an indicator at all that you don't need to worry about an affair.

The others are right, there are insurmountable red flags here for an affair. It is critical that you QUIETLY (no, this doesn't mean asking her if she's having an affair!) snoop.

I would urge you to put a keylogger on the computer so that you can see what these fb messages say. What kind of cell phone does she have? Look up flexispy.com to see if her model is compatible. I would also suggest you install a VAR in the car or in the home where she uses the phone.

Install a keylogger on your computer that will give everything she is typing u can get her passwords, etc..

Then put a var in her car voice activated recorder.

Do this and report in a week